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User Topic: He wants to take a break...
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

My SO and I have been having issues lately. I feel like he's been distant and pushing me away. We've been together around 2 months. Things were great at first, but he's been having issues at work and with his family the past few weeks and I can feel him pulling away. We spent this past weekend together and had a really good time. But, I noticed he took his phone into the bathroom with him when he'd shower. This bothered me bc it's not something he's done with me before. So, I asked him about it. We talked about it- he was not defensive and offered to let me look at it. I said no. I thought we were ok. But, he's been even more distant since then. Last night when we talked he told me that he felt like I didn't trust him and he needed to take a break. He said he was stressed and overwhelmed and needed time to think about what he wants.

I don't know what to think. I'm hurt and confused. He texted me this big long explanation this morning about how I was so great and wonderful and just a better person than him and he wants to protect me from his lack of direction (same crap wxh said to me when he left). He doesn't want to break up, but just take time off and slow things way down. I don't know.

Am I being overly sensitive here? Should I just go with the flow? Or next him and be done with this situation? I feel very conflicted.


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I could understand slowing things down. However, since you said this:

But, I noticed he took his phone into the bathroom with him when he'd shower. This bothered me bc it's not something he's done with me before.

It makes me think he's keeping you as a Plan B backup instead.

And no, I don't think you are being too sensitive. I'd next him.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

IMHO, he's showing you who he is. He has doubts. He's trying to pin the "taking of the phone to the bathroom" on you, when he's the one that did it.

Step away. Don't beg him to be with you. It's only been 2 months, and you're having issues already? This should still be the "best behavior" phase of the relationship.

Good luck.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7653 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

(((Survivor)))

What do you want? It sounds like he isn't up for the task of a committed relationship right now. If you want one, it might be better to put this one behind you for awhile, heal, and start fresh.


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

First of all, two months in is not long, and it certainly could be rushing things to be SOs to each other.

That being said, if you do have an agreement to be exclusive, I would find this behavior troubling. If you have no such agreement and just "assume" exclusivity, it doesn't make his behavior all that much better, but he would have an out in that you hadn't both agreed on the nature of the relationship.

People who are serious about each other don't take breaks--they work through their feelings alone or with you.

I look at the two month timeframe and I am thinking that he just isn't into you. Space is for astronauts. I would let him have all the space he could ever want--permanently.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29611 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

He doesn't want to break up, but just take time off and slow things way down. I don't know.

Anytime a "break" is suggested, I think it's because there are bigger doubts and they just don't want to break up because there isn't anything specific. But maybe just not the connection that they are looking for.

I take a "break" as it being over.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

(((Survivor)))

From what you said it sounds like "survivor, you hang out here for abit while I check out this girl I just met and if that doesn't work out we can come back from our break"

Its only been 2 months. No need to waste time on someone who is not into being with you. He wants to take a break already, jeez.

I believe you are both on different paying fields about what you want. It seems as though you are plan B, because he feels obligated in some way to keep you around and even have you as Plan B.

Next!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
lonelylost
Member
Member # 36784
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

That phone in the shower thing is definitely a huge red flag. I don't believe anyone that offers their phone to check it after the fact...of course they could have deleted things.

Last night when we talked he told me that he felt like I didn't trust him and he needed to take a break.

There really can be only two options after this point: either the other person feels not trusted and wants to do all they can to get your trust or the other person feels not trusted and doesn't want to work on it. Flees. What would a break do?

He doesn't want to break up, but just take time off and slow things way down.

IDK, when I hear things like this it makes me wonder if they don't want to lose connection with you, but also have weekends/time open for more dating.

Did you guys have an exclusive agreement?

I say go with the flow, BUT do your own thing. Don't follow up on him or ask him what he is doing. When he texts, don't be so eager and quick to follow up. Let him know you're busy too. Do things with your friends. Don't say "no" to someone else walking into your life as well. See how things go.
Good luck! Dating sucks!! lol


Divorced Jan 2013

"Don't look back, the road is long."
- Needtobreathe


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: IL
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

"survivor, you hang out here for abit while I check out this girl I just met and if that doesn't work out we can come back from our break"
Ditto this!

I'm always suspicious of the wanting to "take a break". It never just means that.

And most normal people don't react with "we need to take a break" when you ask them a simple question, such as "what's with taking your phone into the john w/you?"


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for the replies. We are/were exclusive. I agree we may have rushed a bit, but I don't get the break. Slowing down- sure, I can see that.

I'm not really worried about the phone thing. He explained it and I have no reason to not trust him. He has not lied to or misled me as far as I know.

I also know he has a lot of work stress right now with a huge project, some pretty major issues with his oldest daughter, and he's buying a house. So, I get he may be overwhelmed and stressed. But, should his reaction be to have a 'break' with me? We've only been together a couple months, so I get that I shouldn't expect a whole lot here, but shouldn't I expect something?

This is my first relationship post divorce, so I don't know what to expect. Even after saying he wants a break, he still said he wants to talk to me and has texted me several times today. Is that a break? It's weird and I don't get it.

Advice and/or 2x4s welcome.


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

If this is how he reacts to stress by pulling away now, this what your will be every time there is a bump in the road him withdrawing into himself.

Which makes you nervous and doubtful about yourself and this relationship.

Sorry but grabbing your phone to the bathroom is a RED FLAG, what reason would you need to talk the bathroom that couldn't be said in the same room as you?

And after the fact, when you mention it he offers to show you the phone while making you feel guilty "saying you have trust issues "...


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1593 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I was seeing a guy, and every time he came over, he left his phone in the car.

My friends told me I was overreacting.

Turns out, he was still boinking his ex wife.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Even after saying he wants a break, he still said he wants to talk to me and has texted me several times today. Is that a break? It's weird and I don't get it.

I think you need to discuss what you each hope to achieve from this break and set some boundaries. If the break is just to take some time to sort through feelings I would think no contact for a set amount of time and an agreement not to see other people would be in order. If you just accept any scrap he gives you and it is all on his terms you set a horrible precedent if you do get back together.


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

big long explanation this morning about how I was so great and wonderful and just a better person than him and he wants to protect me from his lack of direction
When someone says something like this, I take them at their word...you are wonderful and better than he is and he knows it. I don't think it is about him not being "into you" I think it is about him realizing he isn't good enough for you.

I'm so sorry that it is the same explanation you got from your wxh...but remember it is about THEM and not about you. I learned a lot from my first post divorce relationship. And when it ended I learned more. I wouldn't accept a "break" with this guy, I'd just end it. It will hurt. You will heal. You will be okay!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I'm going to be honest with my first thoughts as I read this because your 2nd reply indicated you wanted to hear some truth.

My gut reaction is he is having doubts about being exclusive with you.

He likes you, therefore he doesn't want to break up. But it's likely there is someone else on the phone.

He offered it to you because he deleted the evidence.

You aren't being overly sensitive. He should be turning to YOU during this time of stress so that you can help him through it.

Part of his stress is potentially juggling a new relationship while protecting you "just in case" the new interest isn't worth it.

I hope I am 100% wrong. But that's how it read to me.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I call BS on his explanation.

I'd give him all the time in the world, like, forever.

Next.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Confused1829
Member
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Well jeez, I know we've all been cheated on but I don't think that's necessarily someone else on his phone. For example, I know it's weird but sometimes I take my phone with me to the bathroom, cause I don't want people reading texts that I may have sent to friends about my life in general (my stomach is killing me, I really fucked up today at work, my mom is annoying me) or a calendar reminder (get to the gym fatty alarm clock!) or even texts about them (IE he's cute, or I dont know if I like him, what do I say about xyz). It really could be anything. I'm a private person, but I'm not a cheater.

Having said that, he says he wants a break. I just told my bf that I wanted a break too. So, the truth is probably this (speaking from my recent experience):

He DOES care for you, but he doesn't want to commit. He's having doubts for one reason or another. He doesn't want to end things entirely, either cause he wants to shop around, or he thinks things might get better, or he doesn't want to hurt you. The point is he has enough doubt to tell you that he needs a break. This early on. I think that's a sign. Anyone who wants to take a break, this early on, isn't in it for the long haul.

It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or you're a bad catch. It's either bad timing or it's just not there between you two. And ya know what? That's ok. The mature, and probably easiest thing for both of you in the long run, is to end things now before you get deeper in and it's harder to end.

Biggest thing I've learned in my adult life post D: You don't need a definite 'reason' for a relationship to end. Don't wait for the canyon to go off. If one or both parties are just not feeling it or not that sure, especially early on, don't wait for a glaring sign to validate the concern. Cause in the meantime, one is trying desperately to make it work, while the other is looking for reasons for it to end. That can't end well, for anyone.

I mean that with a lot of love and respect! I'm looking out for your heart :) Good luck!


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

While I do not know how intense your relationship is....2 months seems pretty soon to need a break.

Also, it seems pretty odd that if he really did like you, pulling away when the going gets tough is not a quality I would want in an exclusive partner.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I'm going in a different direction with this phone thing. Sounds like a manipulative test to me; not unlike one my ExH pulled with me.

He offered to show you the phone. This was a test. He figured you would say no, so the risk was small. But, if you had said yes, he would have been horrified and hurt and probably said something along the lines of "I can't believe you don't trust me!! OMG, I don't really know you at all, and I think I need some time and space to think this over."

You didn't "fail" the test, so he's executed the second part of the manipulation anyway - needing "time and space" to keep you in line. If you are afraid of LOSING him, he can keep you from questioning him further.

Before my own DDay, I my exH had a trip planned to Germany with his best guy friend. (Was business trip for friend). About 5 days before he was scheduled to leave, I found all kinds of searches on his computer for prostitutes in Germany and all over Europe. I confronted him. He was VERY contrite and said that he was just goofing around and let his curiosity get the best of him. Smooth as silk, he was, and convincing because he was a master at manipulation (I now know).

The master manipulation move was to offer to cancel his trip. He KNEW I wouldn't let him do it. It would have cost a ton of $$ for the non-refundable ticket, along with horrible embarrassment with our friends (we were BFF with the COUPLE, so the wife was also my BF).

But do you see how I played right into his hands??? He went on the trip. Banged hookers all over Europe, and I was none the wiser.

I may be completely off-base here, but my gut is SCREAMING that your sitch is very similar to mine.

I'm in the "next" camp, myself. Sorry, survivor.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 9:12 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2468 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I so appreciate all the replies! I haven't decided what I want to do yet and this is all great food for thought. Thanks so much!!


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I say give him what he wants. Walk away. No texting, No calling...No facebooking. Walk away, if he really wants you he will come back.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Just thought I'd let y'all know there are no updates on this really. I have backed off. We still talk- he initiates- but I'm distancing myself. I just don't think this is going to work out for me. I don't think this is the kind of relationship I want. Thanks for all your replies and advice!


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Good for you Survivor. I think if he wants a break he should leave you alone, don't let him keep you on a string. What a bore. He doesn't sound like a fun partner. If you are only 2 months in to your exclusive connection it should be more fun and light. If he is stressed then why isn't being with you a great de-stressor for him? Something is clearly not right and I can't image this feels good to you. I think you can do a lot better.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Topic Posts: 23