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User Topic: Is it the 17 year itch??
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I am seeing a lot of people posting with 17 year marriages devastated by affairs.
Is it just me, or are there a lot of them?


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

at the time wh started his dumb fuckery we had been married 12yrs. together 15yrs.

we have now been together almost 20yrs and married almost 17yrs...

i dont think there is any 7 yr itch or 17yr itch just ws epic stupidity and selfishness at any given time.


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

My grandma called grandpa's affair the "7 year itch." They were married for 33 years before he cheated and left her for my step-grandmother (who is 2 years older than my mom).

I don't know, I think it's just a phrase.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

My 19 year anniversary would have been in Sept.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

21 years married when she began it. Two days before our 22nd anniversary I saw the texts on her phone that revealed the affair. Two days later my 4 kids threw a surprise anniversary party for us with all our friends over. Had to fake happiness. Later found out she called him the day of our anniversary (she said she called him to tell him it was over). I don't think there is a special timeline. i always thought the longer in a marriage the more secure but boy was I wrong.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

21 years married when she began it. Two days before our 22nd anniversary I saw the texts on her phone that revealed the affair. Two days later my 4 kids threw a surprise anniversary party for us with all our friends over. Had to fake happiness. Later found out she called him the day of our anniversary (she said she called him to tell him it was over). I don't think there is a special timeline. i always thought the longer in a marriage the more secure but boy was I wrong.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

When I started, we had been together 17, married for 13. I have two GFs whose marriages also crumbled around that point in time (one was not due to infidelity). It's sad-- I naively thought that once you got that far into a relationship, you were doing pretty well. Clearly, my XWH wasn't thinking the same thing.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yes!!! Married 17 years. We lived together a couple years before getting married. Like a dumbass I posted our 20 years together sappy pic and status on FB - right while the fucker was cheating. That makes me sick now.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Married 14, together 17. (now married 22)


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Close enough for me. My wife started her affair just before (yes, just before ) our 16th anniversary, and got caught and ended the affair a couple of months before our 17th.

I think the reason why 17 years comes up so much is that it places the cheater around age 40, which seems to be prime affair time for so many people, men and women. Maybe it's more like a MLC than a 17 yr. itch.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Sal1995 very astute


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yep I have had the same thought as Sal. One last hurrah before the looks fade. I even asked WH why he couldn't have gotten a convertible or some fake hair instead.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Thanks WIF. My wife was actually the big 4-0 when she started her affair, as if she was trying to fit the MLC stereotype.

I think Tripletrouble put her finger on the problem - one last hurrah before the looks fade. My wife was stunned that at age 40 a man would pursue her with such passion and persistence. I complemented her looks frequently and quite sincerely, but I guess in her mind I was just saying what a husband is supposed to say to his wife. Never underestimate the toxic mix of aging and low self-esteem.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

What Sal and Triple said fits right into the cliche. My husband pretty much was 40 when his 2 1/2 y affair started. He's got all sorts of lotions and potions to make him look/feel younger. He's an informercial marketing dream. Male menopause? There's a treatment sign me up!!!too bad there's no treatment for general dickheadedness.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

All very true but what bs for the wayward to chalk it up to a MLC as if its a convertible or they dyed their hair. My MLC was to run a marathon and ride a road bike race for 500 miles. Why did hers have to be mounting someone? Thats not a MLC that is a mid life selfish act (MLSA) with devastating impacts.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I noticed that too. I found out my husband was cheating within days of our 17 year anniversary.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Sal,
You may have a valid point. Although my stbxws is only 37. I told him if this wasn't an MLC then I didn't want to stick around for the "real" one.

And yes-MLC or no, no excuse for it.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I found out the hard way that when they are in affair mode, nothing is sacred. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day...nothing. If there's a chance for a stolen moment and a romp in the hay with the AP, they'll take it.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yep together 15 years when it happened. I think though unless we had been together less than 4 years (you know during those sigh romantic early years) it would have happened at that time as fWS turned 45 and had a gigantic MLC.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2244 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

My husbands EA/PA started five months after our 17th anniversary. He had an EA prior to that and his boundaries were screwed up for who knows how long. Possibly an earlier affair...

Don't know, is my answer...


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Nov 2010
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yes Sal in addition to the 20 yr anniversary, about two weeks later I found out he was sexting with at least 7 other women on my birthday. He sent me flowers that day for the 1st time ever with a card about how much he loved me. I guess we defined love differently.
Colorado I did like you - went back to running when I turned 40 and within a year did a half marathon (just a half but still). There are lots of ways to get your groove back that don't involve going out of the marriage.
Maybe Hallmark needs a card that says "happy 17th anniversary - watch your back".


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

My 17th anniversary was such a joke. He spent the evening with her and my oldest son. Neither I nor my son knew at the time they were having an affair.
I didn't see him at all that day because we were separated.
It makes me sick to even think about it. How he could even sit beside her like that on our anniversary. I don't understand people at all.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
ZoeF
New Member
Member # 40034
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Interesting. We've been married for almost 17, together for 20. His A started just before our 16th anniversary, last year, and ended almost a month ago.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Found out days before our 17th anniversary. OW was almost 40. My H has been in MLC since I had known him. He may finally be getting past that. I can only hope.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Mommato4
Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

My marriage seemed to be every 6 years. What I thought was the 1st A was at 6 years when he turned 30. Then 6 years later.

What it comes down to is he has poor boundaries with women in general.


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
scarredforever
Member
Member # 23875
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Right around the 16th-17th Anniver. when he started, coincided with him being in his early forties, I think there is a correlation there somewhere.


"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

Me-BS 52
Him-WS 53
Together 33 years

6-5-06 Day of Reckoning

"The acquired inability to escape"


Posts: 1058 | Registered: May 2009 | From: swfl
Topic Posts: 26