I did something really stupid last night, and I am angry with myself today.
I received an e-mail from OM on my work account. I opened it and read it, showed husband, and deleted it. The whole experience made me angry - I didn't feel good after reading it at all (it was a note where he told a current - male - coworker who complimented him on something that everything he learned on the topic came from me... and he added that he will always value the place I had in his life. )
The EA ended 7 years ago, and I have not seen nor heard from OM in more than 6 years. He was a coworker but left the company and moved states away. My husband and I truly have healed... I tore myself and my destructive thinking and ways apart and rebuilt a person I am proud of... or have I?
Why did I open that e-mail? I should have just deleted it, but for some reason I panicked (yes - it felt like panic when I saw his name in my inbox) and needed to find out why he was contacting me. It was instinct to open it, and I am glad it made me angry/revolted rather than strike a warm fuzzy feeling, but I should be completely indifferent and just delete the damn thing without opening it.
My wonderful husband took it in stride... so far. He has complete access to all of my phone, FB, e-mail accounts, etc. and told me he is confident I'm no longer participating in wayward activities (and I'm definitely not - we have never been closer and I have never been happier to be with him). I volunteered the e-mail to him - in fact - I told him about it AS I WAS OPENING IT and read it to him the same moment I was reading it for the first time.
BUT... I am asking myself why. Why did I even open that? Damn it - maybe I haven't done all the work I need to do yet.
I'm so angry with myself.