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New Beginnings
User Topic: Note to my grown sons - or owning my own sh*t
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Note to my 2 grown sons:

In packing up my ďthingsĒ to move in with SO I find myself not only letting go of physical stuff, but a lot of emotional baggage thatís been following me around for the last 8 years. I might not always have handled things with the divorce in the correct way, but I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time.

I hope you are not harboring ill will towards your Dad for what happened. It was certainly a time of insanity for him and I see him still struggling for equilibrium.

The thing is Ė since Iím looking back at this with a little more life experience Ė if he had not had the affair we might still be married, but Iím not sure I would have been happy. We had fallen into a comfortable place after raising you both. Itís impossible to judge accurately because I have changed and grown so much in these 8 years. I would NOT have been happy with him wanting to stay home all the time and watch TV. Iím sure I would have gone my own way (while remaining married) to have some adventures and live life on my terms. In fact, I had thought about it before all this happened. I was going to travel and have fun with or without him.

I have to take 50% of that on myself. I was a very protective and involved Mother (as Iím sure you both know). I did the majority of raising you, not because he was not wanting to be involved, but because I wanted the control. He worked long shifts at the CoOp and so sometimes I was like a single parent. At the time I thought I wanted more help from him, but to be entirely honest, I felt I was the best at making decisions. Iím afraid I may have made a triangle with you two that put him on the outside.

If you don't feel he is making enough effort in your relationship now it's because I was always there helping/encouraging/directing and now I'm not.

When you both left home, we lost focus. You were the glue that held us together for 23 years, and then you were gone. I started plans for my ďfreedomĒ from everyday parenting Ė your dad lost his way and looked for something/someone to make him feel better. We didnít have a strong enough foundation as a couple to weather the empty nest storm.

As I see you both with your own families, I want you to work not to let the same thing happen to your relationships. Itís very easy to let the everyday mundane duties of raising a family take over your entire life. Keep that spark alive in your relationships Ė talk to each other about things other than money and children. Someday you will be done raising the kids and then you need to continue with your partner. A strong foundation needs to be built way before that.

Take an active part in raising the kids and building relationships with them - more than just playing or discipline. Get to know them, let them know they can lean on you as well as their mother. Be actively involved in their lives more than just when their mother asks you to. Build a foundation that can withstand the storms that life may throw your way.

Think about these things as you look at your relationship with your dad. Do not make the same mistakes we made.

And to end on a happy note, I am enjoying my life to the fullest. Iím so LUCKY to have found SO at this time in my life. I realize nothing is forever, but Iím thankful for the time we are sharing together.

Love you both more than you will ever know,
Mom


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7691 | Registered: Aug 2005
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Very nice, NL.

(The other WB)


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Good one.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5105 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

wow.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4145 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
veelop5
Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

This made me cry....my boys spend more time with their NPD dad than me....I only wish I had a closer relationship with them and I will also say that I haven't made a huge effort to try with having to work two jobs and heal....this is beautifully written and good for you being able to say those things about your x even after what he did


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)


And now to write the next chapter.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20375 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone. I am under no illusion that they will learn from my mistakes. I have been trying to get them to do that since they were born!

But maybe I planted a seed.

I feel I have been complicit in their further deteriorating relationship with their father. They were young adults when this happened and the anger they had for their dad over what happened was pretty strong. They were extremely protective of me which was kind of nice at the time. I was like a wounded animal and was unable to foresee how this would all turn out.

I need them to see the balance in this - that our marriage was not perfect - and that I was partially to blame for that.

This may not help, but I want them to know that we are all just imperfect human beings doing the best we can and that we all had, and still have, love for each other.

NL

[This message edited by Newlease at 2:29 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7691 | Registered: Aug 2005
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

But maybe I planted a seed
I need them to see the balance in this - that our marriage was not perfect - and that I was partially to blame for that
That is what we all hope our kids to take from our mistakes.
I think your note to your kids is perfect and from your heart.
Hugs and you're on the way to a new life with all the good stuff coming with you from the old.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20375 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

This was so nice. Your experience really resonated with me; it was almost like you were describing my life with XWH and the kids. I often wonder if we would have stayed together without the A to end everything.

I hope that you and SO are supremely happy together.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3606 | Registered: Oct 2011
really trying
Member
Member # 5311
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)


Me: late 40's
XH: A parasite and that might be a compliment
My S-23, Our D-15
Married 5/93 D-Day: 11/18/03
Divorced 5/19/08

The future's so bright - I got to wear shades

Plant Seeds of Kindness


Posts: 10394 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Beautiful! So thoughtful! Thanks for letting us all read this.

Good luck on your move and the next New Beginning.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5826 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Very well written and I can relate. It is nice to see these thoughts put into words.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 14