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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Ton of bricks? Maybe a wall...
Zamas
Member
Member # 38658
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Just about four months out from final Dday and I've just hit a wall. I'm so done. We are fairly amicable, custody, visitation, support, has all been figured out between us with no lawyers involved. We speak most days just about the kids, money, nothing personal ever and I would actually prefer less contact. I know that I don't want him back, could never take him back but I think the depression has caught up with me. I snap at the kids, all I want to do is zone out to Netflix, I can barely scrape up enough energy to make dinner. I'm the queen of big dinners and have been happy with feeding them fish sticks and chicken fries. I ignore laundry for days at a time, doing the dishes is a huge amount of energy. I feel like my edges are frayed.

I know it's normal and to be expected but why, if I know I don't want him back, is the depression hitting me so hard now? It's not as if I would do anything to change the situation :-(


Me- SAHM 30yo BS
Him- 32yo WS
Three kids, 9, 7, 10mo

Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: New Jersey
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Have you ever suffered from depression in the past? People react differently to stress: some people get depressed; others get angry. Would you consider taking meds to get you back to functional mode?

[This message edited by traicionada at 10:04 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Zamas
Member
Member # 38658
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I did suffer from it as a teenager and was diagnosed as bipolar. I never bought into the diagnosis, I felt it was the diagnosis du jour back in the 90's and learned how to ride out the different mood cycles with awareness and exercise and after the kids were born it became much easier. Just lately, with the shit storm that has become my life, it's become much harder to handle it. I can do the day to day parenting stuff. Kids make it to bible camp, football, baseball, cheer, play dates, day trips just like always, it just takes so much more if an effort than it did. I'm moving back in with my mom in September and so this month is all about packing on too of it and I'm worried I'm going to just turn a blind eye to it instead if tackling it head on. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore when I was always able to cope before this.


Me- SAHM 30yo BS
Him- 32yo WS
Three kids, 9, 7, 10mo

Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: New Jersey
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I can't advise you about meds, but I felt quite similar. Even if you don't want him back, and I didn't want my XWH back either, you're facing the fact that your whole life is changing. It may be that the life you envisioned for yourself is now going to be completely different, or it's still a huge unknown.

That's hard. And scary. And upsetting.

I thought I would be a SAHM, maybe working part-time as the kids got older, and that I was with someone who had my back. Now that the smoke has cleared, I can now see that he never really had anyone's back but his own, but at the time, I was mourning the loss of who I thought he was, what I thought we had together, and what I thought our lives would be like. It was dreadfully painful. I don't know how I even functioned. I cried myself to sleep every night and probably talked my poor mom's ear off.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't get help-- see your doctor, go to IC if you aren't already-- but I am saying that the pain hit me hardest in much the same way.

(((Zamas)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

I have heard that it's a roller coaster ride, and you may be on the lower portion.

I also remember handling things pretty well until month 6 when I got very very angry.

It's now been 18 months and I am feeling very much like what you described, not linking to the divorce since I am glad to be rid of him...Just tonight I did an internet search to see if I have MS because of the symptoms. Maybe for me and you it's from the affiar...

I think I would not have such a hard time if it weren't for the kids being hurt.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:43 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1967 | Registered: Jan 2012
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

I could have written everything Tryingagain74 wrote! I thought I had a rock backing me up and instead I had a mirage. How I imagined my future up until the end of last year and what I'm facing now is like night and day. That kind of unforeseeable change is HARD to deal with.

Those changes being the result of the decisions of the assholes who were supposed to protect us makes it even harder.

"all I want to do is zone out to Netflix, I can barely scrape up enough energy to make dinner. I'm the queen of big dinners and have been happy with feeding them fish sticks and chicken fries."

This pretty much describes the first months after I kicked Ex out. Netflix was my best friend and our couch was where I spent the bulk of every day either zoning out, sleeping or crying. I KNEW that it was the end of our family and life as we knew it.

For me, it started with the X-files series. There is over 100 hour-long episodes and I watched from episode 1. I told myself that by the time I got to the last episode I should be OK enough to do something other than sit there and watch the X-files. 92 episodes in and I indeed felt good enough to do something other than cry and sleep!

I stopped watching the X-files and started watching a series I'd never seen before! Progress!

But I also had just enough will-power to also cook some simple meals most days and clean up a little bit. I even half-heartedly looked for a job but I that was too depressing at the time so I quickly took a break and resumed that a month or so later.

My point is that what has happened is HUGE and HORRIBLE and like a sudden death it turned life completely upside down. You're going through what will hopefully be the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through. It's normal to be depressed when something this depressing happens. Only you would know if it gets to the point that you need help to get out of it but I think it's to be expected to struggle through this.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

I snap at the kids, all I want to do is zone out to Netflix, I can barely scrape up enough energy to make dinner. I'm the queen of big dinners and have been happy with feeding them fish sticks and chicken fries. I ignore laundry for days at a time, doing the dishes is a huge amount of energy. I feel like my edges are frayed.

This is totally me some days.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9289 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Zamas
Member
Member # 38658
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

Thanks everyone, the best thing about this site is knowing that I'm not alone. It's such a relief to know that I'm not the only one who spent the hours and days being sad and depressed about this. And you're absolutely right, it's the death of the future I had pictured. I don't even recognize my stbx anymore as the man I fell in love with and my future is uncertain and hazy and that is so scary.


Me- SAHM 30yo BS
Him- 32yo WS
Three kids, 9, 7, 10mo

Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: New Jersey
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

Zamas, I think you are experiencing some depression and also going thru delayed reaction. You had to function to keep your head above water while everything was going on and now you have to confront the reality of it all.

Posts: 186 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Topic Posts: 9