SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: To RA or not to RA that was her question.
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

My BGF has told me that she would like to keep her options open and see other men and see if that's what she wants or if she would miss me. Now I know that in our relationship I neither told her or gave her the chance to know that I at one point kept my options open.

Could this be a good thing or a bad thing? While I know because of my actions that there's no way I could be a "catch" even tho I'm trying to do the right thing even tho I know I've messed up during our R. While it wasn't messing around with another woman. I lied about a woman at my new job. What should I do? She asked me what makes me so special that I could do this to her. And I'm nothing special. But I'm trying hard to make this work.

Sorry if its horrible typing. I'm on my phone.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 1:55 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

If she does it, she's the one who'll pay the price of losing her integrity.

If she chooses to it, she should officially end things with you first.

I think it's normal to entertain thoughts of RAs early in the process, but doing it is another issue- MANY other issues. She's angry and hurt, but having a RA is just going to hurt her. Probably a whole lot more than it would hurt you.

How long have you been together? Do you live together? What was the lie about the woman at your new job?


Posts: 11413 | Registered: Mar 2008
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Is that really ok with you? It won't even the score, it won't make either of you feel better. It will just double the betrayal and hurt.

Hopefully some of the MHs will be along soon to give some hard earned wisdom.

Try not to berate yourself too much. Heal instead.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I said that to my FWH in earnest shortly after DDay. Luckily the good people at SI talked me down.

The unfairness of what has happened is overwhelming, and in our broken state of mind we think that we will gain some control over the situation if we have an affair of our own.

An RA is a VERY bad thing, but you can't be the one to preach this to her. It's painfully ironic. Tell her that you don't want her to lower herself to what you've done, but that you will try and extend the same forgiveness to her that you are asking for if she blows it.

This is not giving permission - this is letting her know that you understand how unfair and unbalanced things are, and that you will love her unconditionally. Then steer the convo to how she deserves to look herself in the mirror and know that she acts with the integrity you strive to have.

These kinds of talks helped me come around.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16451 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

An RA is a VERY bad thing, but you can't be the one to preach this to her. It's painfully ironic. Tell her that you don't want her to lower herself to what you've done, but that you will try and extend the same forgiveness to her that you are asking for if she blows it.

Actually, it's not ironic at all. That's why people that have hurt or killed someone while driving drunk make very effective speakers about the dangers and destruction driving drunk risks.

Sponsors can be the best resources for recovering addicts. Who better than someone that knows exactly what the person seeking sobriety is going through?

You don't have to preach. Share with her what your decisions did to you, your pain at losing your integrity.

Let her go and let go of the outcome. She will need to make her choices. Those are hers to own and have nothing to do with you. Just as she had nothing to do with your choices.

You can choose if you want to wait or if you let her go with love and work at becoming a healthy safe person for yourself and whoever comes into your life.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

We have been together a little over a year. And we have lived together for most of that time. (Staying at her house almost every night before actually moving in.) and I lied about the way she dresses and her looks in general. While I do not find a lot about her attractive and I look for negatives rather than positives. Ultimately it should have been how she sees her.

But she has said that she wants this over. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up. Bu I also for want to look for a new place to love either. And it's not wanting me to use her. I work and can support myself. But my BGF thinks I've been using her. And while yes for the first 7-8 months I had lied. It's not that I haven't wanted her I just couldn't face what I had been doing.

I had a ONS the first month we were dating. And I had friended her on fb and then deleted her when me and my BGF became friends on fb. We only talked one day on the phone a day after the ONS. Then never again. But I've never touched another woman after that. But I also lied about and ex I had kept around as a friend although I never met her it was all though the Internet and phone wayyyy before me and BGF were dating. She found out and I told her never to talk to me again and I haven't since. As well as I was in a relationship before her and I had lied about the terms of my break up with my ex. Me and her were on a break that I had no intentions of getting back with her.

But where this debate about me never wanting her is I had a lot of female friends I kept around because at one point I wanted to be with them even tho they never knew that. And I kept the friendships going. I guess in hopes of them seeing what a good person I am. And now looking at it. It makes me sad to think I did this. Always had my options open and one foot out the door. Untill I deleted them all several months ago. But kept lying about who they were to me.

My BGF is much older than me and she now feels I settled for her which isn't the case. I wanted to have my cake and eat it to. In the most shellfish way.

And while I'm as transparent as I can be. I can't answer half the questions she's asking me and I can't remember stuff I've lied about. I want to tell her but If someone had a gun to my head and was a known killer I still couldn't remember. I have to have my memory sparked in order to remember. And asking what I lied about doesn't help. And I'm telling her the worse case scenario so that way if I can come up with the truth it won't be as bad as what I had originally told her..... Which I'm sure is stupid as hell.

I guess at some point our BS have to decide when enough is enough. And I feel as tho mine has had enough. And it kills me to know I've lost the best person in the world over my stupid selfish ways. And I wish I could take it all back. I guess thats why they say if "I knew half of what I know now back then"

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 6:22 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

If she does it, she's the one who'll pay the price of losing her integrity.

I really think some people don't care about this. The idea of evening the score is more important in their head. Because it was done first to them, they are perfectly justified, in their head, and it has nothing to do with integrity.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4530 | Registered: Dec 2010
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

Rachaelc- that is pretty much the definition of wayward thinking, so you're absolutely right, some people will care more about being "even" or whatever than their own integrity. Isn't what we waywards do every day really just working to re-establish our integrity?

Really good point.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

My BS has told me that she would like to keep her options open and see other men and see if that's what she wants or if she would miss me.

In my opinion, your BS is more interested in getting out of the relation than she is about having an RA. It if means having sex with someone else to maintain a relationship, then she doesn't care what you think. Her number one goal is to find someone else; so she may be planning to do to you the same thing you did to her.

My advice is to seek MC ASAP if you want any chance of maintaining the relationship.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:33 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

It really is simple, something we should have done before cheating. If she wants to date other people then the relationship is over and you need to separate. It doesn't pan out to me that she has you at home and she will go out until she finds the right one and then she'll leave. The situation is shit but believe me you don't want to sit there as she gets dolled up to see another man, as she has a dating life separate from whatever is going on at home. It is the hell I am currently living while making my choices. I would recommend it to no one.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2642 | Registered: Oct 2012
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

BW here and no stop sign. I entertained the idea of an RA in my head a handful of times. Is it wrong, yes. Most people know in the gut of their stomachs it's not right. I think it's just a phase, if she's a good one, she'll stick around. Sorry you're going through this. I know it's super hard for WS, too. Good luck, nogoodap. Hey, you are good!! You just made some "no good" decisions...If you learn from them, then you get to start all over again. :)

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 9:40 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

And I agree she has the most amazing Integrity of anyone I know. And it kills me to know she would go against it because of what I've done. I just want to make it right but I also know she has a choice to stay with me, leave, or do whatever the hell she wants. I just hope we can work on this. I'd give anything....


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

And I agree she has the most amazing Integrity of anyone I know. And it kills me to know she would go against it because of what I've done.

Don't get fooled into thinking this way. If she truly has amazing integrity, then it's not for sale regardless of what you've done. If she acts out, it's on her.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1331 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

BW here.
I don't know your story, are you 2 in R or is she deciding whether or not to R?

If she has not committed to R, I see what you posted as her saying she wants a break, see other people. Like she is telling you she is not ready to try R.

If that is the case, while it is sad for your relationship, I don't see how that is a RA.

If she is saying she wants you 2 to stay together, but she gets to see other people, you're entitled to say hell no, sure thing, goodbye, what ever you choose.

If she isn't committed to R, could it be that she is just saying, too indirectly perhaps, that she wants to take a break from your relationship?

Now, my experience tells me this is not smart for her, for herslf, to jump from one bad experience into the dating scene, because she likely is just not ready emotionally and it makes it hard to make wise choices for a new relationship - but that is her call.

You need to decide what you are willing to accept, and decide if hat she's offering is good for you.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3586 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Actually, it's not ironic at all. That's why people that have hurt or killed someone while driving drunk make very effective speakers about the dangers and destruction driving drunk risks.

So true. It is this concept that I cannot understand why my WH does not own his A's the way I have owned my RA.

My RA really hurt me, it hurt my kids while I was in the A because they did not get all my undivided attention. My RA hurt me because I let another person use me and I them. My RA hurt me because I hurt my WH in the deepest way a partner could hurt their spouse. I really did betray myself as my WH did during his A's.

I agree with UO's post that you will have to let her decide and make her own choices and you your own choices. Just because she thinks this is the right way for her does not make it okay.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

While I do not find a lot about her attractive and I look for negatives rather than positives.

What do you mean by this statement? Why do you want to stay with her? IMHO looking for more negatives than positives is not good for any relationship. It sounds to me like someone who is looking for something more and settling for less or just is not happy with what they have. You should figure this out and she deserves to be with someone who thinks more of her. If she knows how you feel and chooses to stay then that's her decision. My guess from what you have posted she senses your feelings.

As a BW I did think about a RA because I wanted him to hurt like me but then I thought about my dignity and integrity and realized I could not do that.

If she chooses to have an RA that is her choice. Not to be too harsh - you made the same choice and you can't blame her if she decides to have a RA. You can't stop her no more than she could stop you. Actions do have consequences.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

you can't blame her if she decides to have a RA
actually,wondering, she's the only one toblame. Sure you can't control her, but you also can't blame yourself for her choices anymore than she can blame herself for yours.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

You say:
While I do not find a lot about her attractive

And then go on to say:
I don't want to give up.

You are leaving me scratching my head. If you don't find a lot about your BGF attractive, then why f'n bother even being in a relationship with her? Wouldn't it serve BOTH of you best to go your separate ways?

I guess I just don't understand why you won't just end a relationship with a person that you feel very little attraction to and have already cheated on.......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DecadeCentrifuge
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

BS here.

I agree with JustWow. It doesn't sound like she wants revenge, it sounds like she wants to check out what it would be like to move on and be done with your relationship.

She's not hiding it from you, and while it might completely suck, it's not an RA in my book. She wants to date other men, and seeing how you guys aren't married, her options actually are already open. If she decides she wants to come back after doing so and you don't want her, than that's fine too.

I don't think you should attempt to manipulate her out of this decision. It's clear she's not convinced of the value of R in this case, and she might be right.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

BGF here... in fact I'm nogoodap1's BGF. I've debated on posting here, since he left it open for me to do so. After reading a few posts from today, I thought maybe I could clear something up.

I don't want to debate anything my WBF has written. I truly believe how important it is that we ALL have support through this very difficult time. So many people have made very good points, and I want to leave it up to nogoodap1 to respond how he wants to.

I did write out something under general, regarding it all, and it was calming, to say the least.

I saw that my WBF wrote something in haste, that was misinterpreted.

and I lied about the way she dresses and her looks in general. While I do not find a lot about her attractive and I look for negatives rather than positives. Ultimately it should have been how she sees her.

He wasn't referring to me, in this statement. He was referring to a woman he now works with. I was upset with him that he misled me about her appearance. Right now, I consider ALL females a risk, and for him to describe her to me in a way that was misleading, was extremely wrong and scary. It's a new job, and nothing feels safe anymore.

Thank you for supporting each other, be it by calling people out on their wrongs, or by just being a sounding board. It's so important, and I wish more people had the courage to do this in "real" life.


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 424 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 20