User Topic: focus at work, any one else struggle
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Just wondered if I am alone in this.

Somehow I just don't care anymore. So not me, I have always been such a hard worker, now I am so totally unmotivated.

I feel consumed by this pain, I have brief time when I feel ok, but it seems to always be with me.

I find it such a struggle to turn off the thoughts, even when I am laughing it still hurts.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I am so totally there with you.

I'm at work now. I'm responsible for over 20 people, and a multi million dollar budget. I used to be one of the most productive people in the company, but now I spend my day looking for support from my friends or from SI.

The pain never seems to leave, it just subsides for a while. It's always in the background. I'm not quite 4 weeks out, so I'm hoping desperately it gets better.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

And how!!!!

I am self employed and need to be self motivated.

I haven't really worked consistently since dday. That has been the main focus of working on myself lately. The more I am able to do the better I feel about myself.

I don't really have suggestions. But I can definitely relate. But I am our working today. And I feel good!!!


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

You are not at all alone.

Depending on your work situation, it may be beneficial for you to share with your management and/or HR that you are going through a difficult personal time. I did this, as I was basically worthless for the first 6 months, and was concerned that my performance would endanger my job. In my case, management could not have been more supportive. You have to weigh your own situation carefully, though, and decide for yourself whether it would be a help or a hinderance.

In the end, I stepped back from my management role and into an individual contributor role to reduce my stress levels. Best decision I ever made, although it isn't the right call for everyone.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25845 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

You're not alone AT ALL. I spend my entire work day on SI asking people to talk me down from the ledge. My boss will be in his office, jabbering away about something work-related, but all I can focus on is the pain. At close-of-business tomorrow it will be 40 work hours since I confonted my husband about his afair... I have gotten maybe 2 hours worth of actual work done. In a 40-hour work week! And I'm getting paid for this shit!

Part of me wants to feel bad that I am spending company time grieving instead of working, but dealing with all of this has completely busted my "give-a-shit." I'm in a "me" mode right now - I'm hurting and everyone else's problems, personal or profressional, are not registering at the moment.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

My husband received a stern talking to when he went through DDay and the months after. He told his boss we were having empty nest issues....
I can't believe I got anything done for about a year after my Dday. I cried in room 1 (I'm a teacher) every 6th hour for about 4 months.
I did lose a lot of weight and that's when I got called in to see what was going on...

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

My dday was 10/21/12, but he left me for her, a stranger and has only been remorseful? open? for about 2 weeks now.

There has been so much more damage since dday, I didn't protect myself very well.

It feels as if I am just beginning to get relief, just beginning. I still cry every day.

I keep wishing that I could take a leave from work, I know I am not meeting expectations. I don't even feel like me.

I hope it gets better for you soon.

I will say that I am much better than I was at 4weeks.

At that point, I could not eat anything, lost 40 pounds in about 6 weeks, sick everyday, no sleep, I screamed every night until I lost my voice. I felt crazy.

SI was my lifeline, without it I don't know what I would have done, even still when I need compassion, I come here.

H is beginning to try but it doesn't always hit the mark. He is just beginning to understand.

There is so much I would have done differently, keep reading here. Protect yourself.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Count me in too! Since I spent the first few months in my office crying, everyone here knew about it. My boss was cool - he was in the middle of a divorce because his wife cheated on him.

Fortunately for me, I had just started a new job in January. When things started changing for us in March, then DDay in April, I was not up to speed in my role yet. No one expected me to contribute 1000%. But, I knew I could have done better...

((lots of hugs to those of us that spend our breaks and lunch hours - or more - on SI everyday))

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 12:28 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

My first month post D-day is a blur. I don't remember anything at work that happened. My mind could only take so much so it just did a partial shut down. Luckily I was 15 plus years into my career and was able to function on autopilot. I later saw some patient notes I had written and they were fine but I had no memory of writing them. It's as if I were reading another physician's work. It was scary.

I used to put in 100% at work. Frankly I was a typical physician workaholic. This contributed to the relationship problems preceding fWS' affair. Now I kick back some. Take vacation. If I feel bad I take off. No one is going to take care of me but me. No more martyrdom. Not for the residents. Not for the students. Not for the patients. Not for fWS. I put ME first now.

It's funny. When I backed off of all these things I thought I'd be hauled in by my chairman or administrator for "coasting." They did NOT even notice. which means what I thought I HAD to do went completely unappreciated. So now I do my job but I put ME first. The irony is that NOW they put me up for promotion to associate professor! Ha! What a world.

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2261 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

My last reply was in response to Arable, I guess that wasn't clear.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I was an artist for 20 years, until the economy tanked, I became a luxury.

I am doing interior decorating for a family owned company. I have been here for 7 years and have always taken pride in being able to do everything, from unloading trucks to giving seminars for large groups.

Now I just can't see the importance of any of it, I just don't care. My brain keeps saying, "it's only curtains, who cares, my heart is broken".

I guess it has always been a challenge to feel pride in this work but now I just want to walk away from it.

I did try to paint several weeks back, my brush felt like a foreign object.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
New Member
Member # 40134
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I feel like I am constantly looking for more proof and figuring out how to fix me. I know I wasn't the one that caused all of this, but how do I get past this all. I am an office manager and constantly needed and I can't focus. Last week I had a total melt down and finally told my boss that I was having issues. It sucks putting it out there. I hate the lost feeling.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Since dday, it's been almost impossible to focus on work.

I oversee special projects and have several going at any given time. I am usually very focused, but my brain still hasn't checked back in. It's here on SI and off wandering in "what if" and "worse case scenario" land.

Some of my lack of focus comes from not eating well and not getting enough sleep. My stomach has been a bundle of nerves and my brain doesn't have an off switch anymore.

My boss finally said something last week, so I'm trying to check back in. Reality is life marches on whether I'm a part of the parade or not.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 413 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I'm so glad that I'm not alone. I've been feeling sooo guilty because it's been a year since my last bit of TT and I'm still unable to focus most of the time at work and am extremely lethargic most times.

I'm doing barely the minimum and I need to be creative in my job and that's just gone.

My IC gave me some advice a few months ago that I folllowed, but seem to be off track with it now. She told me to give myself an allotted time to think about A related things and then give myself permission to take a break in order to work - understanding that I can think about it again later. That sounds great, and it worked to an extent, but I seem to have fallen right back into my rut.

Just wanted you to know that you're not alone in how you're feeling.

2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I am so there too. My dday was last year and its still hard. Mostly because of the back and forth of me and WH over the past 10 months.

I did talk to my boss and he was very understanding. I stepped back from some supervisor duties to give myself some breathing room and time to focus on my work. (when you're stressing over personal issues, people coming at you left and right is too hard to deal with)

Everyone needs special considerations at some point in their life. Most employers recognize this as they too have had their share no doubt.

WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Member # 28621
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 1st (Thursday)


I am there too and understand. I'm glad that I'm not alone! When my first DDay happened I would sweat a lot and get very anxious and was afraid co-workers could see it on my face. I've tried to check SI only on lunch breaks but am so hurt that it is hard not to come back more. I get so much help here.

So sorry to hear you are in pain. *hugs*

Posts: 204 | Registered: May 2010 | From: IL
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I can relate to what you're going through. I teach online courses, which means that I can work from home. Which also means that I can flop on the sofa staring vacantly into space, or read SI, or watch junk TV, or go on pointless shopping trips, and no one knows.

Our D-Day was last August, right before classes started. I love my work, and usually inject a good bit of enthusiasm into it, but for this whole past academic year, I have been not performing up to snuff. I've been doing what's necessary, but no more. I know it's depression. Truly, I am embarrassed about my performance. (Student evaluations were good, though. But what do they know? They should have gotten more from me.)

I even claimed illness to avoid attending the honors society ceremony for our dept.'s outstanding students--some of whom were in my majors' class. I just didn't want to face my chair, who has always had a high opinion of me. I knew that I did not merit such an opinion. At least, not this year.

And this is with a remorseful FWH who has been consistently making me feel loved (trying at first, then succeeding) and who has been consistently building trust. I can't imagine what I'd be like if he were not remorseful, transparent, and committed to R.

This year, I think I will be able to function well again. I hope so.

I hope that we all will be able to heal enough to get back on track soon.

I think we need a group hug!
(((((( all of us ))))))

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Self employed here as well. Not motivated, still depressed. How can one work like this?

BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

It's been 9 months since dday . Some days I fight back the tears.I find myself in the bathroom forcing myself to just breathe !
I work very closely with ppl . I have trouble just listening to the questions I ask them.
I too feel guilty for not being able to focus on my work . I used to be so focused. .....Some days I can't wait to drive home so I can cry freely.
I also have a hard time staying motivated at home ... I just don't seen to care anymore .. What's the point!?!

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

I was just complaining to my sister about this today! I work from home part-time and my work group is scattered all over the country. I've started having nightmares about my boss asking me why I am not getting reports posted on time. I am fortunate my work schedule is flexible,so I've tried just "working" for an hour or two at a time and TRYING to focus. It's been almost 6 months and it's still a huge struggle.

I feel guilty toward my children too. I can't even focus to truly "listen" to them. I felt I was making progress when I wasn't thinking about the A every second - only every other second!!!!

It does get better a tiny tiny bit at a time. Better when R seems to be going well. Totally regress whenever the rollercoaster takes a plunge down.

It helps to know there are others out there going through the same crazy stuff. I just found this website a few days ago and have been consumed with reading. It brings me to a calmer place.

Just keep doing the best you can and be kind to yourself. Look for the smallest of successes or improvements.

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Topic Posts: 20