User Topic: Did your WS accuse you of cheating?
Member # 33296
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Up to me finding out about her As she was always accusing me of cheating.

"Men always cheat."

Her grandmother didn't help. She told her I was cheating. This was during hunting season. I would go every weekend that I could. Her grandmother told her there was no way I could hunt that much and not get anything. My thought was "Maybe I am not like your family and kill every thing I see, legal or not."

She also told her "men always cheat".

"A thief believes everybody steals."
E. W. Howe

Me: BH (47)
Her: fWWx2 (possible ONSs while drunk), lied about job, worked as a stripper (39)
Married: 14
Together: 19
Children: s 13, d 4, s 3

Who dares, wins

Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Yes, he did. But I very rarely thought anything of it, because.... In a past relationship (actually, the one I was in right before I married my husband), I cheated. Several times, with the same man. My husband knew this before he married me, and off and on over the last 2 years he'd bring it up, usually in passing, or as a joke. I have never hid my past from him, and I wasn't overly bothered when he'd mentioned it. But recently it came to light that my husband had found an e-mail I wrote to my ex 2 years ago, shortly after he and I got together (and I was pregnant with our child). He said finding the e-mail destroyed him, even though it was forever ago and nothing ever came of it. Since then, he has found a way to bring it up almost daily. I have never cheated on him (and the e-mail doesn't suggest that I did), but he couldn't let it go. He was bringing it up constantly lately, and now that I know what he was up to, I know why. Or at least I think I know why. Trying to justify his own behavior, perhaps?

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Not precisely. But while he was actively cheating he did say things like, "if you ever chest on me, you better tell me." Once, after he got tested (I assume), he said, "I'll know you cheated on me if I get an STD."


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 33296
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I never gave her a reason to think I was cheating. I avoided women, kept conversations short and to the point because I knew she would get upset.

Looking back I wonder if was hoping I was cheating to make herself feel better?

Me: BH (47)
Her: fWWx2 (possible ONSs while drunk), lied about job, worked as a stripper (39)
Married: 14
Together: 19
Children: s 13, d 4, s 3

Who dares, wins

Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Chinese proverb : man doesn't look under the bed unless he hid there himself.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Yes he did, I never gave him a reason to not trust me but he needed to give himself an excuse for his behavior. I think it was his guilt eating him alive, knowing he was wrong but didn't feel like he had to change. Personally, I think he got high off of his actions, even just looking or fantasizing made him feel alive. I like that chinese proverb, only monsters know what monsters do. Good luck

BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

We talked about his worry about this a lot because I travel a great deal for work. He never outright accused me but would bring up statistics for those who frequently travel for business. Also I remember vividly him inferring that after being intimate with me he felt a physical reaction down there and worried I was causing it. I thought well hmmm maybe a yeast infection...honestly didnt cross my mind what he may have been hinting about at the time. Just made me feel self conscious. Amazing what hindsight brings out of the corners of my mind.

Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

That was one of his excuses after I confronted him. He said "I thought you were already cheating. " WTH!? Was that supposed to make what he did better? Then another time (TMI warning) I was late for my cycle due to stress from his cheating and he had the gall to say "are you pregnant?" (We're not having sex by the way) I looked him right in the eye and said "now you and I both know that's impossible." I turned and walked out of the room.

I think they try to look for any excuse to justify their actions.

Man, just remembering that is making me

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Yep, I never gave him any reason to suspect that I was.

When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3777 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
Member # 33296
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

"if you ever chest on me, you better tell me."

I heard this instead "you better be using protection." The most protection she used was spermicide (I find it in her van).

Me: BH (47)
Her: fWWx2 (possible ONSs while drunk), lied about job, worked as a stripper (39)
Married: 14
Together: 19
Children: s 13, d 4, s 3

Who dares, wins

Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2011
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Yup. She even told her friends that I did years later. My current wife was told, "we were cheating on each other" back when she was close to my ex.

Total bullshit.

Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).
Thought Industry

Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

In another post you wrote:
During the first A she tried to set me up with her bff. "See, I'm thinking of you."

Her boundaries are scandalous!

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

When WS and I met I had recently broken up with a boyfriend who is now my bestfriend. The exBF and I would go out to movies, out to dinner with his family, we'd double date now and then (usually when he had a new girlfriend he wanted us to meet). WS and exBF never got along. Probably hated each other in fact. WS never said much to me about him... but he would talk to my Mom about it. Mom would tell me that the friendship made WS really unhappy and uncomfortable. But I knew nothing was happening, so I was kind of dismissive, I have to admit. Didn't see why I couldn't have a male friend, blah blah blah. I was dumb and in my 20s. Immature.

As soon as DDay happened, WS said to me that he "never knew what was really going on there" and it made him feel insecure. He never felt he could trust me to tell him the truth about that relationship. I started hysterically crying and told him nothing ever happened.

The first thing my father said to me when he heard about DDay was that my friendship with exBF probably was part of the problem.

It kills me that he thought anything was going on and that we never really talked about it. The idea that he spent years feeling insecure and self-conscious about it kills me. I never meant to make him feel that way. If he wanted to R and told me NC with exBF was part of the deal, I'd do it in a second.

In retrospect, I think I can see how that friendship could be construed as an EA. WS and I are not R, so I feel terrible on some level that this remains yet another loose end with us to some extent. After DDay exBF's girlfriend got pregnant and they got married, so I think he would seem like less of a threat to a new partner in the future. I hope, anyway.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 10:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Yes. He and OW tried to set me up with a man so I would cheat. She pretended to be someone interested in me (yeah he gave her my email address). Then he just came to me and said that I needed to find someone to love me properly and gave me the name of a guy at church to hook up with. Lovely isn't he?

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Mine accused me of cheating with her sister for God sake! Her sister's husband is one of my best friends. I always told her "First, you are the only one I want, I have no desire for anyone else, second, she is married and I would never do something like that to another man (and I mean that most sincerely), third, that man happens to be one of my best friends and four, I like your sister as a sister-in-law, nothing more. She would accuse me of having sex with the mailwoman, cashier at the grocery store, and scores more. It always bothered me that she thought I could do such a thing to her. I have had several opportunities but quickly flash my wedding ring. To some women that tried I think the wedding band was an additional "thrill of the hunt" until they find out when I said no, I meant NO!

My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I was never blatantly accused but I got the "if you ever cheat on me I'll blah, blah, blah!" I just ignored that because I saw cheating growing up with a WW for a mother so no way Jose was I going down that hot mess of a road.

I never said the same back to fWS because it was unfathomable to me that she would cheat knowing how that had destroyed my childhood. Hmmm, yeah not so much.

It was interesting that the one person she demanded NC for me was the XGF I was with way before meeting fWS. When I met fWS xGF and I had been broken up for over four years but fWS still found her very threatening for some reason. Shoulder shrug.

And then there were some of my coworkers that just out of no where from my perspective she would forbid me to text them / email them after hours. In retrospect she seemed to have good radar as other colleagues later informed me both these young women were angling for me. Evidently I am obtuse and clueless or so says some of my work friends!

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

He didn't accuse exactly but only a couple of days ago he said

"I was really upset how you got along with all the guys at work"

One before we got retrenched I WORKED WITH HIM

2. Never mentioned it at all to me

3. I don't even talk to those guys anymore! And didn't after we got retrenched!

He's always been jelous so I do acknowledge there is a strong possibility he thought that was the case. But he could of mentioned it!

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

WS accused me of cheating many times. WS also convinced his family I was cheating. His family promptly encouraged him to divorce me, offered to set him up with friends, and totally showed their asses and poor character. In a cruel twist WS then started sharing his fantasies of me being with other men.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

He did; I had taken a course before D-day. I mentioned liking one of the instructors because he reminded me so much of my DAD.

After D-day he tried to say he thought I was trying to hook up with dad-instructor dude. It was pathetic, really XH grasping at straws to justify his own bullshit. I LAUGHED in his face. Like yeah, I had a hard on for an older guy that reminded me of my own father.

Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Yup mine did , it created a whole shit storm he even told me one nite lots of women have sex with a op then go home and have sex with their spouse ........ I just left the room he knew me better than that but I didn't know about all the other women yet or that he was probly talking to the OP he left me for around that time I repeated to him many times u know I could never to that it took him 5 months of dating to get anywhere with me and he was pretty much my first he said he accused me because I became distant and this is the words he was telling me one day we don't have sex enough so I said do u not want to be with me and instead of reassuring me he wanted me he said well do u want to be with me wich I quickly said yes there were other comments like if u leave I will be ok I will still be my kids dad so yes I became distant because I was scared that after 16yrs of marriage at the time he was tired of me ......that was in 2010 a cheater I am not isn't it called projection when they do that

3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Chinese proverb : man doesn't look under the bed unless he hid there himself.

Good one. ^^^^^^

Yes my ws did. In fact I couldn't sleep one night and was sitting outside on SI. He woke up and asked who I was texting?? Then he slammed the door. He had the balls to question me later . He said I wake up at 3am and my wife's on the phone, makes me wonder who she's talking to. Grrr
I was pretty secretive and sneaky while was gathering my info on him and he acted like I was hiding something. I was but it was about him.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 21