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User Topic: I define me, rinse and repeat
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I need to talk this out... for ME. I need to own my own life, my own choices. I do NOT let him put me down or my choices or my life or how I spend my time.

I think I need to repeat that. I will pause and go back..........

I am a teacher. I have summer "off." That also means I have summer unpaid.

The kids elected to be unscheduled (read no camp) for the summer. We took our one week beach trip at the very front end of the summer. AND lucky to have a week trip!! First vacation since dday, go me!

So every time Stretch calls the boys and says "what did you do today?" they say "nothing." or "played video games."

I reflexively want to launch into all the things we have done! Visited friends, weekly therapy. I want to defend with "it's rained a lot." and "the boys have been sick."

I want to rationalize with if I worked all summer and they were home alone it would be the same story but I would not feel as guilty?

Then I want to counter attack with "well, you didn't take them for your two weeks this summer and DO anything either!! Not only didn't do anything, didn't TAKE them at all..."

Why can't I be proud of the fact that we are financially stable even through no paycheck (and incomplete CS)? Why can't I accept that we are well rested and de-stressed and comfortable at home? Why do I still feel the need to project and/or live a life that meets HIS standards?

Banish the anxiety inducing frantic scrambling "we could go somewhere there is still time if I could find someone to watch the dog" thinking.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

I define me, rinse and repeat

Absolutely!

I have the opposite problem - I cringe/react when my girls DO tell him what we've been doing.

I don't want him to know anything about me. I don't want him to have a window into the lovely little family I am rebuilding through blood, sweat and tears and a whole lot of love and affection.

HIS standards?? Too low for you mamma - you meet those before breakfast.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5425 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Some days I need that mantra too sigh.....


Everytime the x asks our youngest son what he did that (day, week, month) he answers not much. Purely because he doesn't want to talk to him about what he did with mum. And my youngest tends to be a blabber mouth so I am careful what I tell him or do in front of him. So that is plenty of restraint from him discussing things with his father.

Maybe your kids are doing that too.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

I do the same. I can hear my little one say, "We didn't do much. It was boring."

And I"m thinking...wait...we went bowling, out to lunch, or pool or...grocery store!

It must be a reflex. We don't want them to think we are going to crash without them. "You did nothing? Well! That must mean cmego is depressed and can't take care of you!"

I don't want ex thinking I'm anything but happy.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4031 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

(((Cg9))) you are doing great! Just repeat that to yourself anytime those other thoughts begin to creep in!


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Kids will say that kind of stuff. Unstructured time is OK!!!

Yes, you DO define you!!!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2568 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

I think kids today are so damned structured, it's hard to just be a kid sometimes.

My summers as a kid were spent doing a lot of nothing. Riding our bikes, going to the local pool, playing at the rec center, sleepovers, popcorn lunch parties, dusk games of kick the can and kickball, laying back on the lawn and trying to make pieces of grass whistle.

KID STUFF.

IMO, there isn't a thing wrong with doing nothing.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

"I need to talk this out... for ME. I need to own my own life, my own choices. I do NOT let him put me down or my choices or my life or how I spend my time.
I think I need to repeat that. I will pause and go back.......... "

Girl, yes! I need to do the same! Everyday Ex calls and even if we are busy all day one, two (or all!) of them will answer that they watched TV and played video games.

Sometimes I can't fight the need to correct them and remind them of other things they did while they are on the phone with him. I know I need to stop because his opinion of what is going on here should not matter. If the kids told him that they stared at the walls all day everyday I should not care!

It's so hard because for 10 years his opinion mattered more than anyone else and now I have to reprogram myself to not give a flying F what he thinks about anything.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

his opinion of what is going on here should not matter.

Exactly! And I get the reprogram thing too, but HOW LONG before the knee jerk reaction STOPS? I have fought hard for the independence and the indifference to his life is there. I don't understand the need to prove something to him. I don't want to live or think in a way that gives him power.

It doesn't help that DS9 asked me why daddy thinks I am boring. But I find it easier to address that direct attack than the insinuated "what did you do" questions and the imagined judgement that worm into my head.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

remember that thread where NC code words were defined?

Noted. = Fuck you. I can look up that information on my own.

Maybe you need to make up your own translations for kiddles codewords

Nothing. = None of your business, you absent dad-like-person-without-dad-like-behavior

Played video games. = Got to bathe in the luxury of childhood and a mom who lets us relax

It was boring. = It was bliss. A little of this, a little of that. Nobody told me what to do for HOURS.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

((hb_kk)) THANK YOU.

That code translation hit a spot that all the other reassurance did not. I needed that!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I want to rationalize with if I worked all summer and they were home alone it would be the same story but I would not feel as guilty?

CG,

If you were working and they were stuck home alone you would feel worse because they and you would be stuck. Your current situation allows then to just relax, be kids and chill. What AJ'sMom said!


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3330 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 12