New Beginnings
User Topic: How Do You Get Past The Loneliness?
Member # 32790
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Hi everyone. I am wondering what things you have done that have helped you get through those lonely nights when no one has expressed any interest in being with you and you have no where to go, nothing scheduled to do, and no money anyway.

Any great Netflix movie suggestions?


Looking forward to heaven and finally being out of this hell.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: PA
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Hi Ariel

How bout volunteering somewhere, meeting new people?

A church group that has activities? Bible studies or social activities?

Is a second job something you would consider? Again, more for meeting other people and at least getting out of the house.

hang in there, hugs

Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 19319
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I struggle with this too. Recently I've decided to do some home renos. Keeps me busy. And tired! Which is helpful so I don't lay awake at night.

I'm thinking about getting back into some activities I used to enjoy. But I'm curious to see what everyone else has to say.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

when no one has expressed any interest in being with you

I flip that around and ask myself if I've expressed an interest in spending time with others.

When money is tight, I'll make myself head out to the library or bookstore. I like looking at glossy magazines to generate ideas for my bucket list; dreaming about hobbies and destinations doesn't cost anything.

Speaking of ideas:
A aerobics, archery
B bicycling, bowling, badminton, basketball, baseball, boxing, board sport
C cooking classes, canoing cheerleading, cross training
D dancing, dog walking, diving, darts
E exercise, equestrianism
F fishing, football
G gardening, golf, gymnastics, grappling
H horseback riding, handball, hockey
I ice skating
J jumping rope, jogging, jai alai
K kayaking, karate, kickboxing, kiting
L lifting weights, log splitting
M meditation, martial arts
N netball
O orienteering
P pilates, paint ball, parachuting
Q quad biking
R rock climbing, running, rowing, rugby
S sex, swimming, shooting, skiing, scuba diving, softball, surfing,
T tennis, table tennis, trampolining
U unicycling
V vigorous sex, volleyball, video games (Wii sports, etc.)
W walking, weight training, wrestling, water skiing
X xylophoning
Y yoga, yachting
Z zumba

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Any great Netflix movie suggestions?

Not a movie, but check out Doctor Who, starting with the 2005 season.

A big part of getting past the loneliness is making friends. The suggestions in this thread are a great starting point for doing that.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Making friends with yourself is the first step.

You can distract yourself all you like with outings and activities, but if you haven't learned the art of sitting still and just *being* with yourself, that's something you might want to work on.

Meditation and yoga really helped me get centred in that regard.

Big hugs. This isn't easy, but it's hugely rewarding.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17535 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

make a bucket list, figure all the things you couldn't do before and FORCE yourself to do them.

I joined an online Disney forums board since I love Disney. I met some amazing people who really helped me through that time. Still friends to this day.

I also started to train for a marathon, I had GBP, and joined a runners club, when I couldn't even walk fast(347lbs) They were great, I was there project. 18 months later did my first Goofy in WDW.

There are groups and people with open arms but you gotta find them. They are there waiting for you to reach out.

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I adopted a dog last year...he really helps knock out some of the loneliness on the weekends I don't have the kids. I read, volunteer and try and keep up with my hobbies.

Sometimes it is worse than others.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Wandering in nature, allowing my curiosity about birds, plants or animal tracks lead me like I did when I was alone a lot as a kid. We are part of nature so at some point our brain recognizes that kinship with other species and that loneliness is replaced by a sense of connection.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5859 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I'm the odd bird who never feels lonely. I enjoy being with my friends and family and I am very capable of navigating interactions with people in social and professional situations. But I am always excited to get home and spend time alone. I have an amazing ability to entertain myself!

I think the key to being happily alone is to have solitary hobbies and interests.

Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12

Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Member # 32790
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

These are all great suggestions. Thanks so much to everyone who has responded.

I have been separated now for almost 3 months, so I know that I'm still 'new' in this and have quite a bit of healing to do.

I have been reading a ton of books, some of which were suggested in the Healing Library here.

I have also been getting out and doing things - like taking my dog to the dog park and I taking dancing lessons.

But Saturday nights are just the worst for me. I guess it's because I know my X is out dating.

I'm not at a place where I can even begin to think about any kind of relationship, but it sure would be nice just to have someone to do something with once in a while.

Oh well.... And so it goes.....

Thanks so much, everyone. I really appreciate all the thoughtful suggestions and tips.

Looking forward to heaven and finally being out of this hell.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: PA
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Ariel, I have a platonic guy friend. We usually meet up a couple of times per week for supper, and we check up on each other daily.

It helps ease the loneliness.

I try to keep very busy, and I work a lot- at least my career isn't suffering from this mess!

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Oh I get it. I remember how it was for me too 3 months out. All my friends were XH's friends and family, and to top it, I'm an introvert. And couples just prefer dining with other couples... etc.

For the immediate time, I'd suggest pamper-myself nights. Book yourself a home made spa : get your nails and legs done, get a scrub and a mask, pehaps a hair mask too, fill the tub several times if you need to. Give yourself the attention you deserve.

I posted a lot on SI to kill my loneliness in the first year. It helped me to help others (and have laughs too once in a while!)

For the mid-longer term, I'd say approach friendship a bit like courting. Find yourself groups of people who practice an activity you love. Even if you don't have a dating goal, singles of both sexes have a good chances to have more free saturday nights for friendly outings than couples ans families. Don't refuse invitations.

Now this is the part you can skip if you are an extrovert : When discovering you enjoy someones's company, make the first steps and invite them to do something another time. Tell new aquaintances you enjoyed spending time in their company, that you find them interesting. Most people seek connexion and love/need to hear that.

In time you will learn to enjoy your alone time as you will adapt to your new life. Give yourself some time.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 6:02 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

It is what it is.

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Meet ups! There are plenty of interests available, and if you don't find one that suits you, you can start your own!

Also, check in F&G to see if there is an SI g2g coming to a place near you--they are wonderful and you'll make lots of new friends

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20287 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I made new friends. I found a group of friends at school (a bit younger than me, but hey, they are fun!) and we all went out dancing on the weekends.

I now have friends for any occasions....dancing, getting lunch, traveling, movies, shopping, etc....

Get out there and meet new people. Join new may not like the activity but you may meet someone neat and interesting!

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I have an amazing ability to entertain myself!

Me too! Friends find this unusual or "weird." Normal for me.

"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Ariel, are you in IC? I've posted a number of times here about how hard it is for me to make friends, how lonely I feel sometimes, how isolated, and even how resentful I get toward the two good friends I have because they won't just entertain me when I want (which I know is ridiculous, but at times it's how I feel). Not saying you're experiencing any of that, but I have found such comfort in pouring out everything to the same therapist who saw me through 3 years of false R and then the D. She helps me keep perspective, and she has great ideas for getting involved, for taking baby steps, and for being kind to myself through all of this.

All the suggestions folks here have already made are fantastic, and it can only help more IMO to continue counseling, because getting through all of this *is* really hard.

And I got a puppy. And that led to more posts here about what a huge mistake I'd made and how the puppy was actually making me feel even more isolated from other people. Thankfully, we got through all that, and now I love hanging with him in the evening and watching TV after our last walk through the neighborhood.

Not sure I offered any help, but I wanted to commiserate with how hard it is to just live through lonely times.

Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1873 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Member # 34485
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Hi Ariel, I know the loneliness in the beginning was horrible. But you sound like you are doing fairly well. At a few months out I was still crying at least 80 times a day ;-).

I started out by adopting a dog since my dog had cancer and had to be put down 4 weeks before XWH left. It took some time for me and the pup to get to know each other. ;-)

I am not real outgoing so, I started going to church but that made me feel even lonelier going by myself. From the church I joined a couple of growth groups which was good for me to get out and meet new people.

Months later I joined a few meetup groups and attended some activities which I really enjoyed.

I spent time on SI posting when I needed or felt like I could provide support. I'm glad we have our friends on SI to help us navigate our new lives. Hugs

Me BS 54
Him WH 55
M 32 yrs - together 40 yrs
Kids 0
D-Day 12-18-11 (WH didn't want to R)
Divorced 6-21-12 Done!

If the grass is greener on the other side....water your own lawn.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

I joined a few meetup group, singles dance, divorce support group, etc. so you meet all the people in the similar situation, normally it is in a pub where they pick the date when they have $3.99 steak sandwich night, so everyone can afford, or you can simply join the conversation without buying anything.

I went to singles dance, New Year Eve party, had a great time!

Good luck!

M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 20th (Monday)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 22