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User Topic: transitions in a relationship
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

wow - first off I can't believe I've reached this point in a new relationship...OK its not so new anymore. 3 years. When I left my X it was out of hte realm of comprehension that I could ever get to this point in a different relationship.

TG is changing jobs. This is a good change on a number of levels. However, TG does not handle change like this well. There was about a month of limbo before things were finalized. 3 weeks longer than expected and his start date has left him unemployed for a week. In all his adult life TG has only been in the military and had 2 other jobs post military. (while still putting in time in the National Guard which led to even more active duty military time ) He's never been through the process of an actual change.

Thank goodness he starts Monday! The budget is fine w/his missed week of work. Its not a problem. TG doesn't like to have much cash b/c he spends it too easily. I do most of the money related things in our relationship. He ended up with $500 in cash which he gave to me last night. I stashed away $100 for emergency cash. He picked up the stack of money off the dresser this morning and noticed the $100 missing.

He asked me about it. I jokingly said "I hid it". He got bent out of shape. I was sort of stunned. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. The short version is that he said 'don't keep secrets from me. we don't do this in our relationship. do you want me to start keeping secrets from you!'

I did not like the whole exchange. I wasn't hiding it. It started off as a joke. He has been extra touchy for hte last 3 weeks with all this transition. I might be just wearing a little thin with it but this bugged me.

Any suggestions on how to address his transitional stress attitude?

This is not normal for him. He normal doesn't get cranky over small stuff but he really has been a pain in the butt about it lately. We don't yell but this is about as cranky/agressive as he ever is.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Any suggestions on how to address his transitional stress attitude?

You can't control him, or his attitude.

But given *your* postings about mojo between jobs, and the tight money situation, you might want to focus on empathy.


I stashed away $100 for emergency cash. He picked up the stack of money off the dresser this morning and noticed the $100 missing.

He asked me about it. I jokingly said "I hid it".


Hand over the $100, apologize for the miscommunication, tell him you love him, and ask him how he'd like you to support him through his transition.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I get super cranky with big transitions, so I can definitely relate to TG. I appreciate when my SO calls me out on it (in a nice way). Sometimes I don’t realize how much transitions are affecting me, and consequently, how much my behavior affects him. It helps to diffuse the situation because I realize I’ve been projecting, which I don’t want to do, and forces me to acknowledge the real source.


Posts: 3343 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I immediately told him where the $100 went. Fortunately money is not that tight right now. Its not time to be frivolous but I sent aside a months worth of cash b/c of this change. I know how paydays with new jobs work.

I've been holding my tongue and he has apologized a few times but I'm getting to the point that this feels like a new pattern and I'm not liking it at all.

Maybe what I need is a pat on the head and someone to tell me that a month of cranky really isn't that long with a major transition.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Maybe what I need is a pat on the head and someone to tell me that a month of cranky really isn't that long with a major transition.

While you're getting support here, who is supporting your SO?

ETA: Pat, pat, pat... a month isn't that long a "forever" relationship

[This message edited by ladies_first at 5:34 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 5