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Just Found Out
User Topic: How can she do this to us?
Lumleybear
New Member
Member # 40163
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

My wife and I have been together for 4 years, we have a 2 year old daughter and a 1 year old and she is 15 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. I have 2 older daughters to a previous relationship and our youngest daughter nearly died at the end of January. My wife struggles to cope with both these issues.

About 8 weeks ago I discovered a message on my wife's phone from a friend saying that if you are tempted to sleep with him then you need to end it with your husband. I confronted my wife about this and she said she had been talking to someone online, someone I wouldn't approve of and he'd offered her casual sex and that if she said yes I wouldn't find out about it. She had created a fake email address to talk to him and had only been talking to him for a few days. At first she wouldn't tell me who the man was but eventually she told me it was her ex boyfriend. She said that she was only tempted for a split second and wanted to talk to her friend about it, she also said that she had said no to him. She assured me that she never would have met him and that she never would have cheated on me.

Two nights ago I found my wife in floods of tears and I asked her what was wrong. At first she wouldn't tell me, so I asked her if she had in fact cheated and she said she had. She said the guilt was killing her and it was right that I should know. She had met him somewhere to talk and assures me that is all she was after. She had been talking to him about our baby nearly dying and he'd been supportive of the way she had been feeling about it. A situation had arose where they were in the same building and he asked if she would meet him for a chat and she said yes. She says within 5 minutes of them being together he started taking her trousers off, she says she was shocked but didn't do anything to stop him. It wasn't until he started having sex with her that she pushed him away and ran off crying. She says it was only for a few seconds and that having sex with him was never her intention. She says there was never any mention of sex in the emails, that was a lie she told her friend to test the water on wether she could tell her about what she had actually done. Her friend went mad at just the thought of her cheating and they fell out about it, so she never got the chance to talk to anyone and the guilt was overpowering her.

I have asked her why she did it and she says that it was an escape from thinking about our daughter dying and that she isn't coping. She says that she is madly in love with me and it is tearing her apart seeing me hurt. All she wants is a family and that she never went with the intention of cheating.

I have managed to get her to see the doctor yesterday and they have diagnosed her with post traumatic stress and that she needs to see someone. Last night she took 10 thyroxine tablets in the hope of killing herself because she can't live without me.

I love my wife more than anything but all I can see is him taking her trousers off.
I am struggling with knowing where the lies finish and the truth starts. I felt initially when it was just about emails that things weren't quite right and I feel now that there is more than my wife is saying.
She says I'm the love of her life but how can I be if she would do this to me?
I can see she is genuinely upset and she looks so sad, all I want to do is cuddle her and tell her everything will be ok but I just can't bring myself to do it :'-(
I don't know how I will ever get over this :''-(


- This is torture, this is pain. I think I'm going to go insane

- How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

You will get through it Lumley))) This I promise.
For right now, she needs professional help for the PTSD and the suicide attempt.
Normally, a remorseful wife can be immense help to your healing, but she's got more important issues, and doesn't sound ready to put you and your littles front and center.
Hope the baby's ok man! Geez.

For now - you take care of you, so you can take care of your daughters. Read that yellow box/healing library & keep posting.
It's an awful way to learn it, but it's writ large in your sitch - you had nothing to do with her cheating.
Sending strength brother.


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I am sorry you find yourself here Lumley, but you came to one of the best places to help you through this ride from hell, and trust me brother, it is gonna be one of the hardest experiences of your life, but as jj said you will survive my friend.

Make sure that you drink enough water, and eat when you can, I recommend some meal replacement bars or shakes if you find it hard to eat.

Keep strong for your kids and keep posting often, the wealth of knowledge on this site is astounding, we are here to help you. And make sure to read up the healing library like jj also said.

Welcome and keep your head up.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It is still very raw and new. It does get better in time.

Your W does need help for her mental health issues. Hopefully that process will help her give you the truth you deserve and ultimately save your M. (If that's what YOU decide YOU want) But in the mean time you need to help yourself. That is so much easier said than done-but once you start putting your needs first it kinda snowballs.

I have asked her why she did it and she says that it was an escape from thinking about our daughter dying and that she isn't coping.

Your wife needs to understand that you were going through the same pain as her in regards to nearly losing a child. You didn't turn to someone else, you didn't cheat. She needs to figure out why she did. "As an escape" doesn't sound like the whole truth to me. Also, the fact that she even had any kind of "friendship" or communication with an ex is troubling. Right now, your wife is in no position to give you the whole truth because she doesn't know/understand it herself.

Is she going to start IC? I think it is imperative in this case. Just as an FYI-you could benefit greatly from IC too. Helps to put and keep things in perspective. I was one who never thought I needed IC-"I wasn't that crazy" but I can attest to how much it helps.
good luck to you. Keep reading and posting here. Check out some books-learn all you can so you can make informed choices about whats best for you. *hugs*


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lumleybear
New Member
Member # 40163
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

The first thing I did was convince my wife to see the doctor. I'm upset with myself for not getting her to do it sooner. I have been asking her for weeks to go see someone but all she kept telling me was she just needed me. Clearly this wasn't the case :-(
My main priority right now is to help my wife get better and then see if we can salvage something of our marriage afterwards. This is proving very difficult at times and I am having a lot of conflicting emotions running through my head.
We were so close, real best friends and we shared everything together and now she has spoilt it all. I know she is ill but it doesn't make it hurt any less :'-(
I will always be there for her because I love her and she's my wife, I just hope I can get over this mess to make our marriage mean something again.


- This is torture, this is pain. I think I'm going to go insane

- How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Hi Lumleybear, so sorry you find yourself here, but the support is worth gold.

Just another thing to consider, and a harsh dose of reality...

While I don't for one minute condone your WW's part in this (she had many options other than the one she chose), this guy is obviously a predator, taking advantage of weakness, and if he could coerce your WW so easily, there will have been many others. Due to the situation, unless he does this all the time and was prepared, neither will have given any thought to protection. (It doesn't matter how brief the exposure was).

Please, if the Dr you saw over the past couple of days didn't request it already, get your WW tested for STD's, immediately.

Unfortunately, as if things aren't bed enough, this is part of infidelity that needs to be taken care of, protect yourself and make sure she's okay.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

So she tried to commit suicide last night? You did call 911..right? Or at least,her doctor? has the baby been checked? Is he/she ok?

If she is pregnant and suicidal,she needs more help than you can give. You must inform her doctor immediately so steps can be taken to protect your unborn child..and your WW.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lumleybear
New Member
Member # 40163
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I know this guy took advantage of her and played on her emotions. He is well known for being a womaniser, something my wife knows from experience. That's part of the heartache, she knew what he was like and if it was just about needing to talk why did she need to see him face to face? Why did she need to go in a room where there was nobody else to see them? There were so many times she could have said no but she chose to carry on :-(
We have been checked for STD's and we both have caught chlamydia from him. Luckly my wife got screened as part of her pregnancy but if it had happened later than her screening our baby could have been born with it.
My wife took an overdose of her Thyroxine tablets and I did call an ambulance. She has been checked out and everything seems fine. She says she wanted to make things better for me and our girls by disappearing. I told her that would make things worse and she needs to concentrate on being a great Mummy to our children like I know she can be.
A counselor is coming to see her on Monday and hopefully that will be the first step to her recovery.


- This is torture, this is pain. I think I'm going to go insane

- How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

if it was just about needing to talk why did she need to see him face to face? Why did she need to go in a room where there was nobody else to see them? There were so many times she could have said no but she chose to carry on :-(

There is a well-known behavior exhibited by adulterers when their affairs are discovered called "trickle truth".

I have no way to know whether your wife is doing this. However, the VAST MAJORITY of adulterers do this.

They figure out what is the "minimum admission", then
"spin" it so as to have a lesser impact on your sensibility..... at the moment.

However, this utterly "backfires" upon them, because over time, the truth comes out, and as it does, trust goes down the drain, and the BS gets hurt all over again.

Brace yourself. You are likely in for quite a ride.

she knew what he was like

right. Therefore, the story that she went there "just for talk" and for "support" is 100% bullshit.

"It just happened...." is another old favorite tale. Nothing could be farther from the truth, especially if you KNOW someone.

She had been talking to him about our baby nearly dying

So, why did she choose him? Why not her girl friend? Why not a pastor, counselor, parent, sibling? Why not YOU?

[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:11 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Lumleybear
New Member
Member # 40163
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 5th (Monday)

We have discussed the fact that she needs to tell me everything or all the time spent now trying to get over it is for nothing. I have to believe that there is no more to tell.

My wife is clearly not well and this has interfered with her thought process. I can see from other people's stories on here that they have suffered a lot worse than what has happened to me and still managed to save their marriage. I love my wife more than anything so if others can get through I'm sure we can, it's just hard to believe right now :-(


- This is torture, this is pain. I think I'm going to go insane

- How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I'm so sorry, LumleyBear.

I don't have a lot of advice but felt a common thread in some of your writing.

My husband has said something similar to your wife a few times and it haunts me...it is her saying she will make you happy by not being there. That's what he told me also and said it again electronically one day recently.

I struggle immensely with it and feel unfortunately, that it's a cop out -at least on his part. Whenever things got heated or he did a wrong, that's what his decision would be-no one else got to decide, also, even though it was all of our lives on the line.

I'm sorry that your wife is preoccupied somewhere in her mind and you are having trouble reaching her. Something in her has broken and she is on a journey that is not pleasant.

I hope that you can work through it with her and at some point soon she will stop blocking you out. If only she could let herself feel the love of her family.

I hope these things are okay to say and I wish you a moment's peace during your day (and night). You sound like a good dad and husband and they are lucky to have you standing by to help.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I don't want to add another log on the fire. But I would suggest a DNA test on the child she is carrying. Cheaters lie that's just fact. I found out of another affair my XWW just prior to our youngest being born. The time table I found out was a couple months before he was conceived. But I certainly could not take that as law. I had the test done on my son and he was mine. This gave me much peace of mind. The knowing is far better than not being certain the child is yours. My DS was 4 when I had that done. And it would have broken my heart to find out he was not my biological child after assuming he was for 4 years. I guess what Im saying is to make sure and don't assume what she tells you to be true.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

i was thinking the same thing. i hope we're wrong.

but it might explain why she would try to commit suicide. She might be thinking the same thing. i hope we're wrong.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Lumley this is hard but you will get through it. I promise you will.

It's especially tough when your WW falls apart and you have to pick up the pieces.

About the trickle truth, she's probably doing it to you. They will paint themselves in the best possible light until the truth comes out. Then they will say it was an accident or something. Every time you catch her lying it starts ALL OVER for you. The "healing clock" gets reset to ZERO!!!

My D-day was 16 months ago. I just got off the phone with a sobbing wife that is still distraught over what she did.
Things can get better but they take time.

Be prepared for much worse to come out about the activity of your spouse. She wants to run for a reason. That's just what mine wanted to do.

Right now your wife isn't who you think she is. Be wary of everything she says. Mine lied with the skill of a sociopath. Before everything happened she was the warmest person I had ever met. Her indiscretions changed that for a while.

She is back and we are getting better. There is hope.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

(((Lumleybear)))

I think the other posters are right. You need to be prepared for the fact that there is much more to the A then your WW is admitting to right now.

Your WW re-established an old relationship probably out of a need for validation. Likely the OM was the one who dumped her in the past.

I have no doubt your WW is deeply ashamed of herself right now. Obviously, suicide was more appealing to her than admitting the full truth.

I will guarantee you, you do not have the full truth now.

Ponder the things that do not add up. Why would the friend cut her off completely if your WW was asking her to talk her down from the ledge? The friend wouldn't, if she found cheating that offensive, she would have tried to talk your WW out of cheating and THEN cut her off if she found out your WW went ahead and cheated any way.

Why would your WW pick OM of all people to have console her over the near death of her baby? Why not talk to you or her friends? She talked to OM about it because she was already in an EA ( if not a PA) with him.

No one says to themself "Oh holy cow, I am stressed over the near death of my child, let me go talk to one of my old boyfriends about it".

Nope. I almost lost my son to sepsis when he was 10 days old. I can tell you, at no time did I feel a desire to look up an old flame to discuss it.

The reality is, if OM consoled your wife over your 1 year olds near death, they were already in at least an EA.

Your WW is spinning it. She is doing what ALL waywards do. She is withholding information and minimizing what she did because she believes it will prevent further damage.
This is human nature Lumleybear. Everyone does it. Little kids do it all the time. They minimize and justify so they don't have to feel bad about what they have done. I think it must be a self defense mechanism built in to our lizard brain.


Your WW is 15 weeks pregnant and 8 weeks ago you found the text and supposedly your WW had sex PRIOR to the text?

I am very sorry Lumleybear, but I think your WW is afraid the baby is not yours. She saw suicide as the only way out of her predicament.

I think you need to sit her down with a counselor and point blank ask her if it is possible the baby could be OMs.

Please take care of yourself. Read the Healing Library. There is also a thread in the I Can Relate Forum for Betrayed Husbands you should look at.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thyroxine is an odd choice to try and OD on. More than likely the dosage she is on is so tiny. Sorry but a thyroid medicine to attempt suicide just sounds like trying to slash your wrists with a spoon.

I hate to even ask but her head is in a very bad place between her getting caught and the baby. Is it possible the suicide attempt was a ploy to take the heat off of her and her choices?


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Lumleybear
New Member
Member # 40163
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Firstly I would like to say thank you to everyone for posting, your support is appreciated. This morning I was in a very bad place but this evening I'm feeling a little stronger.

All of the questions that have been raised have gone through my mind and many more. I have asked them everyday since I found out and so far the answers have been the same. To move forward I have to believe that she has told me everything. The prove in that will come in a few weeks time when I ask the same questions again and see weather the answers tally or not.

As for my wife, she doesn't have many friends and suffers from social anxiety. She came to me about how she was feeling about our daughter nearly dying and I told her not to worry she was fine now. She went to her best friend and she said the same. I did ask her to go get professional help but she said she didn't think it would help. Ultimately she went to someone she used to know and a user and he listened and used it to his advantage.

I have no doubt my wife is truly sorry for what she did and feels ashamed. She also isn't well and since seeing a counsellor it could stem from before our daughter nearly dying to the terrible childhood she had.

I think her overdose was more because of how hurt I was and how hard she was finding watching me, she took 10 tablets of 100mcg, I didn't have a clue what they would do to her body and I don't think she did either.

As for the baby I remember her telling me she was pregnant and how happy she was about it, I just feel her reaction would have been different if there was doubt as to who the dad was. The situation as it stands is that this was a one off and she hated it and stopped it before the end. As na´ve as it sounds it could have happened as she says. At the end of the day I only caught her out with her emailing her ex, she volunteered the information about having sex with him 8 weeks later after she had decided that I deserved to know the truth.

I am one week in to this mess now and I still see them together in my mind all the time. I hope that she has told me everything and we have started the healing process now. My wife is getting help and hopefully she will learn from this mistake.


- This is torture, this is pain. I think I'm going to go insane

- How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

(((Lumleybear)))

I hope your WW has told you everything. But in all seriousness, it would take superhuman willpower for a wayward to confess to everything at once.

I am not telling you this to put your WW down. I am telling you so that you do not have too high of expectations of her right now.

Take care of yourself Lumleybear. Right now you are focusing totally on your WW. Remember, she is an adult. She needs to put on her big girl panties and take care of herself. You can't be fixing things for her. Nor can you fix her. So make sure you don't cross the line between being compassionate and being enabling. You won't do her or yourself any favors.

Now tell us, what are you doing to take care of Lumleybear right now?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Dear Lumleybear

My heart breaks for you right now. I am so sorry you are here.

It is sometimes painful to read what others post but please realize that this is a site filled with kind and compassionate people who have lived through infidelity the hard way.

Whereas every circumstance is unique there are a lot of similarities too.

Many veterans will point out to new members things to consider that they had to learn the hard way. Please know the intent is good.

I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...you will be OK just not for some time.

We've might not have the your exact experience but we all have been where you are now with regards to finding out about the affair.

We will do our best to help you while you find your way.

The shock of infidelity along with dealing with your wife's suicide attempt and the near death of your daughter are bound to cause PTSD.

All of this is likely to take a heavy toll on you and understandably so.

Your confusion and despair are normal. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now.

If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. I would also suggest get your wife in ASAP.

Such traumatic events in your life leaves big wounds. The wounds require lots of care and time to heal.

It is so wonderful and noble of you to be there to assist in your wife's healing but please do not minimize your own hurt or despair. You will need to go through all the emotions of finding out your wife betrayed you.

Regardless of the circumstances there is never a justification to cheating. EVER.

You have had a lot of stressful situations in your lives but there is always a different path to choose.

Your feelings matter too. Don't loose sight of that.

One thing we all have heard and tend to say to one another is that you don't have to make any decisions today.

I am not sure if you are at all faith based, but if you are at all, please pray together. Pray for healing both physically, emotionally and martially.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

When Nearly Exh confessed to people he hadn't been outed to, he pushed the suicide button also. I may never learn if it was authentic or an act, because the betrayal is so huge and so deep and so broad.

I hear of this at times, when a WS or SO has been outed and sometimes, unfortunately, it's used as manipulation and as a way to deflect attention away from the reality of what they did. It gains sympathy and so much more to pull this and can get the "right" reactions a cheater wishes to gain.

I never would have thought myself capable of not always believing a cry for help in this way, but I saw many sides to nearly ExH that I never would have thought capable.

It's my suspicion and a few other people's that he hoped to lessen his consequences, i.e., reactions of people turning against him, by making some of those types of claims.

And I've always felt that if he truly felt that way, why didn't he work harder to work out his M, which he had to know was right?

Anyway, sorry for the long message, it was just meant as example. I will continue to hope that your wife gets help, but I worry, Lumleybear.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Lumleybear
New Member
Member # 40163
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Things are very tough right now. I still have lots of burning questions in my brain and asking my wife is putting her under a lot of stress. I don't want to push her over the edge and I don't want to put our baby at risk either.

My wife is going to start CBT to help with her PTSD and she has sought out MC for us both to help with getting over the infidelity. She insists our marriage is perfect and I'm all she wants and that she has everything and she doesn't understand why she did what she did.

I just have a burning desire to know every last detail so nothing can come back to break my heart again later. I've thought about going to see the OM but I don't think anything constructive can come from that. I keep telling myself that getting my wife better and getting a healthy baby are what counts but it is so difficult.


- This is torture, this is pain. I think I'm going to go insane

- How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly burn so pale


Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
kickboxer
Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

I relate to the impact that a sick child can have on marriage.

Our oldest daughter nearly died 8 years ago (she was 2 at the time)...she was diagnosed with a very costly chronic disease, and the stress of making sure we have access to all of her medical supplies feels overwhelming at times.

Same marriage. Same child. Same stress. He cheated (repeatedly). I did not.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Topic Posts: 22