New Beginnings
User Topic: Couldn't resist answering the phone
New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I have been divorced now for almost two years, we had no children . At first I talked to my ex wife on a monthly basis. Even though she cheated me we continued to have really great long conversations. I stopped taking her calls last October because I know keeping in constant contact with her would not help me heal throughly and any future woman would run for the hills knowing we still talk for hours.
She normally has been calling once a month and leaves me a message that if I wanted to talk she would love to hear my voice again. Well after nine months of not having a meaningful conversation I answered and we talked for hours. She lives with the guy she cheated on me with and I can only assume they don't talk like we used to.It drives me crazy that the only person who I enjoy talking to is my cheater ex wife.
I don't know if I should just give in and start talking to her until someone better come along or just dig in and resist like I did before.
I also hate to admit this but a part of me hopes the new guy checks her phone record and see's 3 hour calls to her ex husband. That's never a good sign.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Dig in, a scab you keep picking will never heal.

Why are you even discussing her AP?

It is hard moving on, I did it with my divorce years ago, took what seemed forever but it is the healthy thing to do.

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Random thoughts
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Nip it in the bud, this is what cake eating looks like after divorce.

Why reward her with her love language of conversation?

She cheated with a man who may have a grunting, yes, no, get me a beer vocabulary, let her suffer the consequences of her choices, she didn't want you as a husband, but now sh wants to use you for whatever reason.

And your right, any sane women will run when they find out you still have entanglements with an ex and you have no kids.

All this time spent on the phone could be used to meet up with others who are into the same things as you.

Once you disconnect I'm sure your ex will find someone else to talk to besides you and then the om will find out how special he is.

Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
New Member
Member # 40090
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

This smells like codependency on both ends, knowing in your heart the outcome of it all, why invest your precious time into this when it is sure to hurt so many people? No one wins in the end, right? The deeper question is what are you getting from this - be honest with yourself.

[This message edited by truthislove at 8:06 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

~ When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. ~ & ~ Turn your wounds into wisdom. ~ Oprah

We owe it to ourselves and life to assist, support and serve others. We must remember, however, that we cannot give what we do not have

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

You can resist and I suggest you do.

Unless you want to be stuck in this limbo hell for another 5, 10, 20 years.

NC means no internet stalking, no obsessive thinking about them - nothing. I would hazard a guess that you have not been working on detaching OR you're at a low place ATM which is why you let her in.

You are rewarding her with your attention. She is not deserving.

Furthermore you are now having an emotional affair with your XW. Do you really want to be an OM? Being an OM is no more noble because the BSO is an OM - it is still you being an OM.

Focus on you. Don't waste any more time or energy in her direction.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Thanks for the responses. Never in a million years did I think two years later I would still be discussing this. Also what is AP ?

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

AP is Affair Partner

Posts: 35846 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I will chase off any normal woman in your future. For example, a date I went on (met on OLD...On Line Dating) told me that he and his ex are still really good friends. They sit around and discuss each others dating lives.

In his defense, he had pounded about 6 beers after I told him my ex was his tongue was loose. Regardless, I'm not interested in someone who has an emotional entanglement with their ex. It smacks of not being healed/over the relationship. Cordial? yes. Coparents? Sure. But discussing personal lives?? Nope.

Have you dated started dating yet?

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4182 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
million pieces
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Ha, see my post if you want a glimpse into your future. I've only put up with my SO's relationship w his ex because of their child, if there were no kids I'd be running for the hills.

Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Hey you made it 9 months. That's really good.

It took me a couple of years to let go of my XH. I continued to talk to him and even have sex with him from time to time. I always hated myself after, but it was so hard to stay away. He felt familiar and for a long time he was the first person I wanted to tell just about anything to.

What kind of support system do you have in your life. Do you have friends/family that you can talk to? It really helps to start working on finding new people to talk to so you won't WANT to talk to her.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I have dated a few times, I was probably the worst date these poor women ever went on. I tried really hard to converse but had so little in common it was painful for all involved. I miss my friend. She wasn't easy to find and I waited a long time and now I have to replace that. I know it's a time game and eventually someone will come along but after two years you start to get desperate, and take the easy way out.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

I think this is a Dr Phil-ism:

"Instead of looking for 'the one' focus on becoming 'the one'".

Broken attracts broken. I wish these waywards were hard to find. Truth is they're not.

Do you still see her as a prize? As something special? Really?

Take a good look at her. A wayward to you and now a wayward to the OM. Don't you want more for yourself?

I understand what you miss - you miss the perception you had of her. You're still holding onto it and when you talk to her all you see is that mask that you both constructed.

Remember what she did. Remember her face when she lied to you. Remember her face when your heart was broken. Have a look at what she is doing now.

She is no prize brother. She is a total train wreck who wears an appealing mask.

You won't be open or ready to meet anyone else whilst you're still thinking she was anything but a disaster for you.

Work on fixing you. No-one else can fill the hole inside you but you. Anyone that appears to do so is just a bandaid - that hole needs to be filled by you in order for you to have a healthy, loving relationship.

We all need to do this otherwise we're heading for a WS#2, #3 etc. I don't know about you but this wayward I did have is one too many for me.

Don't waste any more time on her lest you fall back into that black, black hole.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Do you honestly think it's a good idea? How does this benefit you? At all?

Sorry for the big ol' 2 by 4, but really?

You had no children. Move on.

BH - early 40s
XWW - early 40s
Two kids

D-Day - Easter 2010
D-Day 2 - July 18, 2010

Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012

Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2010
Topic Posts: 13