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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Do you provide clothes for the non-custodial parent's time?
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

When I moved out, I left my XWH several outfits for several different seasons for the three kids. Obviously, they wear clothing over there, so there is some back and forth sharing of clothing.

However, XWH expects me to update their wardrobes with clothing when they outgrow what he has, and he expects me to send along extra clothing when they go on vacation with him on his time. Is this appropriate and reasonable? Is this what all of you do? He says that the clothing expenditures fall under the CS that he gives me, so I should be the one who provides clothing for my house and his.

How do I respond to this? If I'm wrong in thinking that he's responsible for purchasing clothing for his house/vacations, then I want to know, and I will continue to provide clothing.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Both my lawyer and the mediator said that in shared custody, each parent is responsible for the clothes/toiletries at their own house. I've still ended up buying all the winter jackets and most shoes, but he does supply them with clothes. Things go back and forth and every few weeks we do a reset, mostly for my dd. My ds could care less about his clothes. But every once in a while I notice that I have all the sweat pants and all of his chinos are at his dad's and I send an email to him or wifetress and things get sent back. For vacations I've offered extra bathing suits.

This is the ONE thing that I think we've done well with


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1155 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
monarchwings
Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I have my kids pack bags for their time with him. I dont see the point in two seperate sets they have certain stuff thwy like to wear. Plus my tween wears bras. He does buy clothes and shoes and will do laundry so it doesnt all come home dirty. He has not yet taken them on vacation..I am not sure what would happen..

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I have no problem with big ticket items-- shoes, winter coats, snowpants, that sort of thing-- but I'm supposed to pack for his vacation that I'm no longer invited on? I'm supposed to take his shopping list of what clothes he needs for his house and provide them?

Again, if I'm totally wrong here, I want to know. I just can't believe that I have to spend the next 13 years buying clothing for his time when he's got far more money than I do and an Owife with no job who can easily go and buy clothing at Target.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

I can only imagine what kind of struggle it would be to get him to provide clothes.

Ex tried to fight me on having enough towels at his place for the kids! He claimed he "didn't have room" for 3 extra towels. Yeah his place is small but unless he was living in a cardboard box it's big enough for 3 extra towels and few toothbrushes! I pretty much had to refuse to keep packing them to get him to buy the bare essentials for the kids.

He's a jackass to the core and I'd rather just make sure the kids have the clothes they need by packing them than have them suffer through whatever bare-minimum arrangements he came up with as a passive aggressive comeback.

He throws it all in a garbage bag that the kids bring home with them. He doesn't even wash anything. I'm learning that when you're dealing with a first-class POS you have to pick your battles.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 11:31 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Absolutely not. If he wants custody he needs to provide his own stuff for them.

Otherwise where does it stop? Do you provide beds, sheets, mattresses, food etc. etc. etc.?

He is responsible for all of that stuff when they are with him. Unless it stipulates otherwise in your divorce decree. If he wants you to provide all clothing then let him pay half.

I have 50/50 and we each buy our own things for them. I put his stuff in a plastic bag and return them to him when he picks up the girls and vice-versa.

I refuse to wash his stuff and I don't want him washing mine.

You don't give him lists of anything - he has to work it out. I would answer if asked but I'm certainly not sticking my nose into his business.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4572 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I will because I don't want STBX to have anything to do with the way my children dress, particularly my girls. Furthermore, I do not want him to have anything to do with my girls undressing/dressing or trying on/modeling clothes for his approval. He's a pervert.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

If my kids want to take something specific they do. They have clothing at their dad's house. And he is very picky about the clothing being "dad's house" clothing. The kids hate it because dad's clothes are uncomfortable and focus on what dad thinks looks cool.

He can hit a yard sale.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

The kids father now have to provide everything that they need when they are with him. I got sick to death of swapping over coats, shoes, etc etc etc only to have things come back damaged, or not come back at all.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

My ex refuses to supply anything. It was even months before he started to supply toothpaste & soap.

So now 2 years later my son still has to pack a bag of clothes to go each time and they send all the clothes back dirty.


"You can never have too much happy!"

Posts: 1152 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Im on the other side of this spectrum. I buy clothes, sneakers, coats etc and he usually takes them home with him. I usually need to remind my XWW that he needs to bring stuff back. I personally find it petty to not have nice clothes and things for your kids wherever they are. Some of these assholes think they are spiting their Ex. When its really the kids who suffer the most. SMH !!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Nov 2007
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I give ex a bag of clothes for each kid every spring and fall. I dont give him underwear, socks or shoes. Just clothes and a couple pair of pjs. They are usually things from the last year that still fit or things that I've picked up at consignment shops that are used but still very nice.

I only do this because he is way too much of an idiot to dress himself most times and I don't want my kids to have to suffer through him allowing them to look like total slobs. Even with the bag of clothes, they look like wrecks half the time he brings them home. He rarely buys clothes for himself and sees nothing wrong with ripped t shirts or underwear that hangs by the elastic. Anything nice that he ever had was because i bought it for him. So, there's no way he would buy a wardrobe for them for his place. In fact, before I started doing this, he had to take DS to target to get a pair of pants. DS was about 7 at the time and dumbass bought him 5T pants. My son is very thin and wore size 5 at the time, but his father had no idea the difference between 5 and 5T. When I mentioned it, he said "I thought they looked too short.". Duh...

I suppose I also do it for selfish reasons. If I didn't, I know my DD would be wearing OWs kids old clothes and that ain't gonna happen. I also do it to make him feel small and stupid. I think a lot of men have enough pride to not accept bags of old clothes and go out and buy their children a few nice things for when they stay over. He has no pride or self respect and I guess a small part of me doesn't mind highlighting that once In a while.

The stuff stays there and they never come back with dirty laundry, which I would have just handed right back to him.

He took them on a vacation earlier this year. I let him borrow their luggage but didn't pack one thing and the bags came back empty. I wouldn't have gone that far.

Child support doesn't mean you still get to run around, buy all the supplies and pack them up neatly whenever he needs them. It is supposed to be so that the kids eat, and they have shoes for winter and summer, and they have school supplies, and live in a house with running water and electricity. It blows my mind when people don't get that.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

When we initially split, I sent along about a third of Teslet's play clothes. I kept the school clothes.
Since then, stripper whore has taken it upon herself to clothes shop for Teslet...sometimes with disastrous results. But whatever...that is between ex-shat and stripper whore. I collect the clothes and return them, they do the same for me.


ish kabibble

Posts: 4205 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

In the beginning he lived 2 hours away, and only had every other weekend. The kids brought clothes. IF he bought anything, I think they were required to leave it at his house. He did the same for toys, etc.

I did draw the line when my girls were taking feminine hygiene products from my house to stock his. With 4 girls, he can stock his own house. The first time NW took the girls shopping for school clothes, she bought my 13 and 11year olds push up bras from Victoria's Secret. I learned my lesson then, NW has slut taste in children's clothing, why would I trust her opinion on My kids clothing.

When they moved closer the kids had their own sense of style. We both picked up what the kids needed or gave the kids money to buy IF the other parent was talk g them shopping.

The kids still take stuff back and forth-they have their favorite clothes. Laundry mostly gets done at my house. NW is particular about her washer. I guess I'm not.

The last kid is off to college in 2 weeks, we survived.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

My kids pack a bag and take it with them. The clothes come home on Sunday. There is no way the their dad would make the effort to see they had proper clothing. And I'm not up for an argument with him every few weeks about who bought what clothes and to which house they belong.

After last visit, Lil bit told me I needed to get her some toothpaste for daddy's house. I told her that I buy stuff for our house, dad needed to get stuff for his. I haven't heard anything since.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Thanks for the input. It seems like many of you are in the same boat-- you provide the clothing because your ex couldn't be bothered or would be content if your children looked like extras in the cast of Oliver!

You brought up two good points that I have to think about:

Could I trust the Owife (who would likely be the driving force behind any clothing purchases) to buy clothing for my children? I would rather provide the clothing than have my kids wearing outfits that I felt were inappropriate.

Would they bother to make sure that my kids look halfway decent? As it is, DD comes home from visitation looking like her hair hasn't been brushed in ages. Maybe they would be fine with letting my kids wear awful-looking clothing while her kids wear nice clothing.

Well, this isn't my hill to die on, that's for sure, so maybe I need to let this go and just keep providing the clothes. I control so little when they're at his house, but at least I can control their appearances somewhat.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:44 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

At first I would send a small suitcase with my DS to his Dad's. Then the clothes would not come back and if they did they were dirty. The first year I went out an bought my son his required uniforms for school. The next thing I knew I had no uniforms and had to go buy all new ones for the second time. It was then I quit sending clothes with him other than what was on his back. I know he went to school more than a few times in dirty uniforms because XWH#1 not washing his uniforms. I had to make myself not care and told his teachers about the problem. They agreed for me to just keep doing it the way I was. Eventually XWH#1's mother bought DS clothes and started washing them. You have to put your foot down somewhere and I couldn't afford to continue to supply my son with two sets of clothes everytime the weather changed. I know one time the school called me at work because DS didn't wear his belt and had left it at his Dad's who now lived an hour away. I refused to take off work for a damned belt and they used a piece of rope. My DS never left his belt after that day.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Bottom line is: you can't make him shop for them and buy appropriate clothing. If you don't send clothes, what will he do? Break down and go get some for them, or just make them stay in the same dirty clothes the entire time?

And, as you said, is this the hill you want to die on?

Maybe the best compromise here is this: let them (or help them until they are old enough to do it themselves) pack for their time with their dad. Make sure they know that they need to take what they are going to need for whatever they will do there. And that anything they leave will be something they will have to do without when they are back home with you.

(Obviously, you'll have to adjust how you do this depending on the age of the kids...)

And then just buy for the kids as you normally would. No buying for him... if he wants the kids to have clothes that stay there, he can buy them.

If you're feeling generous, you can let him know when you are clothes shopping for the kids, and offer to get what they need for his place too... as long as he gives you the money for that. And get the money first.

The amount of time the kids spend with the non-custodial parent is part of the calculation of CS. That means that he doesn't give you CS to take care of the kids for the amount of time he has them. Whatever they need during that time is (or should be) his responsibility.

I know having to pack every time they go with him might be a pain... but it's better than you having to buy two complete wardrobes for them. If he complains about dealing with them having luggage every time, tell him he is free to buy whatever he wants them to have while he's with them.


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I provide 100% of the clothing for my kids. They overnight at their Dad's every other weekend and the only clothing they leave there are bathing suits, since he has a pool in his apartment building. He only recently bought pool towels for them; previously he was asking them to bring towels from my house. And sending them home unwashed.

He is convinced that his child support payments mean he should buy zero clothing. And he sends me snotty emails when he isn't happy with the clothing I send with the kids.

Also, although it says in our custody agreement that he pays for 50% of school activities, he refused to pay for the tuxedo shirt that is a required purchase for son to be in the orchestra. Apparently tuxedo shirts are "everyday" clothing in Ex's world?


Me: BW (49)
ExWH: (50)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Yes. I pack a suit case when it is his weekend. He has toothbrushes etc. He washes their clothes and returns them. He doesn't buy regular clothes for them, but he has been buying things like shoes (which he sends back with them), uniforms for DS7, and I'm going to have him contribute to winter coats.

I view the kids clothes as theirs, so their stuff goes where they do.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 707 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

He provides the clothes for his house, and purchases 1-2 uniforms (private school) for the 6 school mornings a month he has them.

I provide winter coats, (uniform) shoes, and the much larger wardrobe.

Child support is not designed to cover clothing for the non-custodial parent's custodial time. Here's a great article to share with your ex: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/articles/what-does-child-support-actually-cover.html

[This message edited by hoya96 at 4:53 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
LisaP
Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Going on 4 years now, EOW visitation and doesn't want more. X has remarried and doesn't have a problem supporting his new (unemployed) wife and her teenage/out of high school girls with everything they need....yet my kids have to bring ALL their own basic toiletries. It's ridiculous! I feel bad for them, because they feel like complete strangers in that house! My daughter was lucky enough to finally get a bed to sleep on after a year and a half on the floor...and this from a man who makes $300,000+ a year, owns 2 homes, toys, etc.

I don't mind packing clothes (they grow out of them so fast/or taste change), but I asked that he keep PJ's, play shoes, swim suits, and toiletries there for them for convenience, but the wifey doesn't like it. She treats them like they are invading HER home and he allows it.

Very sad for them...


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2161 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I have primary custody, he has them e/o weekend only ( a little more in the summer).

I have all of their clothes. My kids pack their own suitcase for visitation. I will inspect the outfits to make sure they match and are appropriate for the weather, throw in a pair of shoes and jammies. He will wash it and return it each week. I will direct the kids to pack for vacations per anything ex requests.

I buy all of their clothing, ex buys all shoes/undies and all jammies.

We tried to keep things separate in the beginning, and it became way too confusing. This is what works for us...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Thank you, everyone. This thread was very eye opening.

I think I need to reexamine my motives. Most of you seem okay with providing the clothing, and I think it's helpful for me to remember that it's about my kids, not him.

I think it really bugged me that he asked for clothing for this vacation. I had to pack for the vacation that I used to go on with my kids, and he now takes the Owife and her kids along with my kids. That stung. It made me feel like some sort of servant, helping the royal family prepare for their holiday while I stay at home and clean the house.

That feeling should not be what motivates me. I should be motivated by helping my kids. I want them to wear clothing that they feel comfortable in. It sucks that he couldn't be bothered to take his kids shopping now and again to get some extra clothes, and he and I had a minor pissing contest over it, but I'm not about to turn this into WW III. It's so not worth it.

Again, thank you.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

I had to pack for the vacation that I used to go on with my kids, and he now takes the Owife and her kids along with my kids. That stung. It made me feel like some sort of servant, helping the royal family prepare for their holiday while I stay at home and clean the house.

Yeah, that would hurt me, too. ((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Do I think he should provide his own clothes for them? Yes

Does he do it? No

But visitation takes place at his mothers house & she has a shoe fetish!! My kids come home nearly every week with a new pair of shoes.

I decided that I would not compain about the clothes.... If free shoes were falling from the skies!!!!!

And their clothes come back washed and beautifully ironed!

Although in 2 months time (after nearly 4 years) ex WH will move into his own home.

I suspect things will change. No more clean/ironed clothes... But that is ok. It is just not a hill I want to do battle on!!!!!

I think over the years the anger/negative feelings have disappeared.... maybe this would have bothered me when the S was fresh but now I really don't mind packing their stuff. We are past the "you should" stage.......
And we just get on with it.

I think it's called indifference..


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Personally I'd respond for a hell fucking no and go fuck yourself. At least that's what I would say in my head.

If it were me, I think I'd just send what they needed for that particular visitation, and ask that everything came home again.

In your case, he wants you to replenish his household stock. Um, no. However, if you feel that you need to, I'd hit up some garage sales this summer and buy some cheap outfits, but otherwise, not a chance. Plus, I wouldn't want Ms. Ashley Madison's kids to be wearing any good clothes that were bought by you.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 9:07 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

I have been divorced from my ex for 18 years. He had DD and DS EOW...for about 15 years.

I always had them pack a bag before they left..with enough clothes for the entire weekend..and pajamas..and often,a change of clothes *just in case.*

He paid his child support,his half of the medical bills,and occasionally he played Santa Claus if he had them on Christmas.

It never even occurred to me to tell him he had to buy clothes for the kids while they were at his house. First,he never took them shopping before,and wouldn't have any idea as to what they would need..or what was appropriate. And second,Im sure he would have told me he couldn't afford it.

It honestly never bothered me. They are my kids. They live here. If they go to Grandma's for the weekend,I would do the same..pack a bag and make sure they had what they needed to wear during the time they were there.

Now,if they spent 50% of their time at their dad's,I might have felt differently. But as it was,it was no big deal for them to pack a bag and take their clothes with them.

Oh..it would have been nice if he had at least returned their clothes laundered..but that never happened.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
shatteredheart7
Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

I no longer have this issue, as soon as my kids were old enough to say if they wanted to go or not they chose not. However, when they were going they would pack a bag, and then bring them home dirty. They said it was because they didn't like the way he washes clothes. In my youngest dds case, she is allergic to most laundry soap (I make my own with ivory soap to avoid it) he uses the laundry soap that she is most allergic to. We have been divorced for almost 12 yrs and he has bought them clothes once. If I had not sent them clothes they would have had to wear the same outfit all weekend. Never had the vacation problem. He only goes on vacation when he doesn't have them....yeah! He's a POS!


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

For shared custody....around 50/50

In our div/parenting class that was mandatory in our county, they stressed making two homes for the kids. The packing of bags reinforces that house they are going to is where they visit, not live. Like I mentioned earlier, this pretty much the one thing my ex has done well, he has made his house a home for the kids. They need nothing going between houses other than sports related stuff and my dd's blankies.

Pretty much the only useful info from the 4 hrs of classes we had to attend

And I know the limitations of this advice is that you have another parent that goes along with this. I know from MANY other areas that "what is recommended" is often not a reality that is achievable.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1155 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

The bunch no longer goes to see ex-asshat but when they did every other weekend, I packed clothes for them... and he ended up always taking them. I was providing clothes for both houses and getting no CS to boot. I finally stopped sending any clothes and decided he'd figured it out. He did.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

My kids are teens and I taught them to do their own laundry quite some time ago. So I don't have the irritation of doing the laundry from their visitation with Ex. Of course I am paying for the hot water and detergent.

In our div/parenting class that was mandatory in our county, they stressed making two homes for the kids. The packing of bags reinforces that house they are going to is where they visit, not live.

It makes me sad to read that. Too bad we didn't have that class. Ex makes it very clear that the kids don't have a home with him. They have to take turns sleeping on the couch at his place! The place he OWNS by the way, this is not a new rental situation. Ex actually SOLD the bunk beds he'd bought for the 2nd bedroom, because he "didn't like the way they look".


Me: BW (49)
ExWH: (50)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I have always bought all their clothes. By the time they were 8 or 9 they packed their own bags. I would remind them how many days and if thud need a swimsuit or coat but beyond that, I made them responsible for making sure their clothes made it back. If they didn't then they did without the item until the next time. Xpoopsmear has never provided clothes. My kids are all teens, one an adult so they've done this many years now.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 783 | Registered: Aug 2011
woundedwidow
Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I think it's tremendously unfair for one parent to have to provide all the clothing, even for the other parent's weekends or other visits. On the other hand, there are worse scenarios. My late BIL and his Ex had such an acrimonious separation (they never actually got divorced) that when their 2 kids visited the opposite household, they were made to strip naked in the garage and don clothing provided by the parent being visited, lest they contaminate the other house with the Ex's clothing. Needless to say, they both grew up royally screwed in the head.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I've done a little bit of this, because it's my own peace of mind to suffer-or not-otherwise. I can't know if DD will use what I send, but I can assure myself that it's there ...and also I can't be found at fault if something is missing for her.

It was a bit of irony at one point, because I was called "too controlling". So I backed off on packing. in total, for a few months. At one point when making his arrangements, nearly ExH started to request certain things that he knew DD has.

Thanks be that I got custody and she only goes on visits, for who knows what would happen otherwise, as he is "little to no rules", for the most part. Yes, she wears the junior lingerie too and has come home without it on a few times, so I've made a little noise that it's important now.

FWIW, I think we all have different perspective on what is "enough" of something. I tend to be comfortable with extra -towels, bathing suits, underthings-where he doesn't notice too much until there aren't any clean ones at all.

I've found that sharing some of this responsibility is the best way, where something I will ask him to get and keep at the place they stay most, or something I will get and give to keep there, so she has the same...necessities that aren't clothing like acne stuff or swimming gear.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

We don't have 50/50 custody. XH is supposed to take the boys for a minimum of one weekend a month. Yes, I provide the clothes, and like others, the laundry service once they are returned.

It seems to me that in the case of 50/50 custody, each parent should be responsible for the clothing (and laundry) of the kids during the time they are there.

It's interesting to see all the different situations here.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Topic Posts: 36