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User Topic: Devastated by broken NC
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

I haven't posted for a few weeks as things had been going really well. WH was working hard to speak my love language, he was actively engaging in counseling, he realized his affair was a mistake, his actions matched his words, etc...and we were both very happy and optimistic about our future.

Last night he told me that he broke NC two weeks ago. He had seen a disturbing news story that may have impacted OW and her family, so he sent her an email saying he hoped all was ok. She responded and indicated that her husband was ok with them reestablishing communication as he thought it would help his and her healing, and from there my WH and the OW exchanged several emails and had two phone calls over the course of five days.

WH saved all the emails and told me that he wanted to be transparent from the beginning, but that this started just as we were about to leave on a big family vacation. He didn't want to cause me pain at that time, and of course we had a great vacation. So in his mind he was trying to do the right thing but sees that he screwed up. I told him that this latest betrayal is more devastating than the original affair (I suspected that whereas the breaking of NC came out of the blue when thing were seemingly so great), and that I have to reassess our future if OW is in his life even as a long distance friend.

So now WH says he is sad that he will have to say goodbye to OW again and scared that my distrust and feeling of betrayal will cause me to end the marriage. I can't believe he thought there was any chance of me being ok with this - and I am alternating between devastation and total anger at his most recent actions.

I know I should start the 180 and start protecting myself, but in the meantime I am so devastated by the realization that I thought we were on a great path and actually weren't....and that he is still totally in the fog. He says he absolutely loves me and doesn't feel that for her...but he was willing to risk everything to send her a stupid email. Please help...


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

So now WH says he is sad that he will have to say goodbye to OW

Please read about the 180 in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11. He needs a wakeup call. The 180 will make you stronger to get though this.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

So now WH says he is sad that he will have to say goodbye to OW again

I agree with Pippy.

I am not sure when your dday was, but it appears to have been pretty recent.

IMO and from my experience, R shouldn't even be in your vocabulary yet.

It's too early. You need to be in IC to heal you he needs IC to heal him.

You cannot heal a marriage until you have 2 healthy, emotionally stable partners working in the same direction.

After dday you are dealing with shock and trauma. It isn't a time to commit to R, it's a time to commit to YOU. To making sure you are strong, emotionally ok and have dealt with the many issues an A brings into a marriage.

You may even have your own FOO issues to deal with ( I had plenty)

So take R and put it away for now...just leave it on the shelf and revisit it in a few months. Start to take a path that will enable you to make a sound reasonable choice after your H has had time to work through his issues. You need time to watch his actions, see who this man has really become and if he is someone worthy of R.



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, August 5th (Monday)

(((Arnold)))

The devastation one feels when NC is broken is horrible. I am going to give you a different viewpoint from karma though.

Is your H remorseful, and kind, and understanding to you? I he is then I would definately not table R at this point. My H broke NC pretty quickly after D day. Then she contacted im several more times, where he just couldnt resist communicating with her. It took me finally telling him I was done, for him to really really get it.

He gave me all kinds of excuses, but ultimately I think it was a combination of breaking the habit of the relationship, and realizing that I deserved and demanded more respect than being second choice, or an option.

So My suggestion to you is to have some very firm consequences for breaking NC. Be ready to stick to them too. Like if he breaks NC then he is no longer welcome in your home, and be fully prepared to make him leave. The next thing I would have him do is send a NC email to her. Then you need to contact her spouse, and tell him that you do not feel that continued contact is going to help her heal, and to please respect your wishes, and ask her to stop all communication with your H. When you communicate with her spouse, don't tell yours that you are going to, just do it. MY feeling is that him giving the OK for them is total BS.

I think your H wants to R. The fact that he awas forthcoming with this information is actually very good. Do you have access to all his emails, passwords, etc? If not now is the time to get it. I would also suggest placing spyware on any and all of his electronic devices, and putting a VAR in his car. He has proven he isn't trusworthy, so you need to verify his behaviors, and actions.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 5th (Monday)

These words are so helpful - thank you. The update is that after finding out about his breaking NC (he told me the night before last), we talked on and off all day yesterday. He wanted us to decide what he should tell the OW about any possibility of their continued contact (he wants to inform her today). I love how he didn't feel the need to be a team when he decided to break NC, but now it is "we" (read ME) that has to be the bad guy and insist on NC.

Anyway, besides this one big setback, my WH has made huge progress in the six weeks since D-Day, and he has been remorseful and understanding and kind nearly from the beginning. I believe his desire to R is genuine, and if he can be consistent in the actions that he has been demonstrating, then I can R as well.

The big problem in all of this is the NC. Despite all of the positive progress and hard work, I see now that the affair hasn't really ended from an emotional standpoint. He can't seem to break away from the habit of having her in his life, and if it weren't for that HUGE issue, I think we'd be making huge strides forward.

So today is a big day. He's either going to tell her that he has to go NC, or he's going to tell her it is ok for them to continue their "just friends" relationship, or he's going to tell her that he is choosing NC for the next few months to give all of us space and time. Only one of those choices is acceptable to me, so I'm bracing myself.....


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I highly doubt her husband ok'd their continued contact. I would inform him of this breach of NC so we can keep an eye out on his end.

And yes, your husband needs to learn to view the OW as his enemy. She was his accomplice in destroying you and your marriage. She helped him on his path of selfishness and pain. She is NOT a friend. Until he really understands that, it makes R very dicey.

He should not be calling her about NC if that is his plan. Don't allow that as an option. An email sent from him simply stating "our affair was wrong, I am ashamed of my actions, and I never want to hear from you again" is the most he should do. Then, crickets. Forever.

And tell her husband!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 5th (Monday)

It is not uncommon for WS's to break NC in the beginning. They are still somewhat in the "fog" and often rationalize it to themselves that they are trying to end the A with the AP in an "adult" way. This is bull. Once they establish NC, that's what it means NC!!! I don't care if the AP's kids are found dead. They still have no reason to contact them at all if they want their marriage to R.

Your WH is the one that broke NC. There is no way her BH told her it was OK for her to talk to WH if he truely knows of the A. I would make sure he knew.

My WH#2 broke NC as recently as 4/13. I was furious. More so than when he actually had the A. It set us back so far and destroyed any chance we had at R at this time. He still doesn't get it. He thinks just because she texted and he called her to leave us the hell alone (or so he claims) that I should be OK with that. I am not. It killed what tiny bit of trust he had reestablished with me and now he sits again at 0 a year after DDay#2.

Do not let him use excuses to break NC. He should not be still texting or calling her, no matter what.
NC=NO NEW HURTS!!! WS's find this so hard to understand and it often results in the end of their marriages. They can't seem to let go, just like an addict can't let go of the drugs. It made their ego's feel good and they are addicted to that feeling and often restart the A as a result of broken NC.

You are going to have to be firm about this and he is going to have to stick to it or the chances for R are null and void. You cannot R with a spouse who is still in contact with the affair partner. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
NotsureIcan
Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Honestly, if my WH had broken NC only a month after discovery or any time thereafter I would kick him out. That's a deal breaker for me. I'm 9 months from d-day and I still get picture texts from him telling me where he is if he's not with me. He does it because HE wants to. Sure, I've always been afraid of broken NC but I know for my own sanity and what I deserve (which is an honest man) that there will be no discussion if it happens. It will be OVER and everyone close to us will know, our families and everyone. And HE will leave, I'm not leaving my home and uprooting my child for his transgressions.
I'm not trying to be harsh but you aren't sure if your husband is going to even tell her no further contact? Don't you deserve better than that? Who can be happy feeling like they are 2nd best to your spouse? I say that because I know how much you must be hurting. Let him hurt for what he has done,,without you there to fall back on. You are better than that!!
Feel free to pm me. Hugs to you!

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Thanks all for the words of support. You are all absolutely right, and I came home tonight to learn that WH called her to say that they can contine to stay in contact. He was shocked when I expressed how upset this made me and said "I thought you said this was ok." Where has he Ben the past 48 hours?

He kept notes of the call and told me about it the moment I walked in the door. That led to a long conversation about boundaries and the ones he has set for communication with her. At one point he even said that he gets to be selfish and choose her as a friend. He was frustrated by the conversation and is pretty annoyed with me, of all things. He says he hates these discussions that go on and on and all of my over analyzing. He says he has told me a thousand times that he loves me, I am his choice, he is committed to us, and that all he wants from her is a friendship so the fact I keep questioning that has pushed him over the edge.

I am reeling and have no idea who this person is. Up until two days ago he was supportive, remorseful, willing to talk and answer my difficult questions, etc. and now he is a complete stranger. I am close to kicking him out but that is complicated by the fact we have two young kids, he is a stay at home dad and I am the breadwinner. I travel regularly so it will take serious planning to figure out how to do this. I am not willing to leave my house and kids even that would solve the logistics.

So any advice? Start the hard 180 and pretend he isn't living here?


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 5th (Monday)

He is not supportive, remorseful, understanding...any of the things you seem to think he is. If he was, he would get the absolute devastation you are going through. He would talk to YOU when he needed to talk and listen TO YOU when you need him to listen.

He would get that the OW is not a friend, friend of the M or in any way healthy to have in his life.

Everything I'm reading tells me he's selfish, he doesn't get it. His actions aren't matching his words. IME, you're facing another d-day sooner or later. With this OW or another...because a WS that doesn't truly own their actions and deal with their issues is much more likely to cheat again.

If you show him you'll accept little, that's what he'll give you. If you don't value yourself enough to insist on a true M, devoid of the OW and focused on the hard work of R, he will not value you either.

It's hard, I know. What you accept now is the best you will get...is it what you're willing to live with for the rest of your life?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11235 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, August 5th (Monday)

A few days ago, he was cake eating. Of course he was supportive. You can't make him do anything. He can choose his friendship, you can choose to be with a cake eater or not. There is nothing wrong with telling him you are reevaluating your desire to stay married while you think things through


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Tell the OW's BH. It's complete and utter bullshit that he knows they are talking, is okay with it and believes it will help with his healing.

I am sorry Arnold01. You are not in R. You have not been in R. Your WH has simply been nice to you to prove to himself that he is a great guy. He has not faced the reality of what he has done. He was not being nice because he was concerned about you.

Yes, talking to OW means he is still in a relationship with her. Do you want to be in a marriage of 3 people?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 903 | Registered: Jun 2012
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I agree, tell the OW BH, I bet he is not supportive either. If you are ready to draw the line in the sand, then do it. However, you must be ready to carry it through. My H didn't get it until I was ready for D and had all the bills and everything figured out. You could hear his head popping out his rear-end. Even with that, he broke NC. It is very difficult. The 180 will help you to heal.

He is still in his fog and doesn't get it. Protect yourself. He is not remorseful or he wouldn't do this...he is regretful that he got caught. There is a big difference. Remorse would not have broken NC and would not continue to be friends.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Total and complete 180 at this point. See a lawyer and find out your options.

Staying friends isn't an option. Period. Not up for discussion. I would probably tell him he needs to find somewhere else to stay for the night.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
NotsureIcan
Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I just laughed reading that you are also the breadwinner. Wow he really has it good on easy street and he's keeping OW as a friend??!! Because I care about all other women, women should stick together, at the end of the day you are basically telling him its ok to have an affair. Think about it.
Nothing has changed, he still has her for a friend....
If I were you, I would find a good nanny through a background checked web site like nanny.com and tell him to get his shit and get out!!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I may have missed it somewhere but I agree with the other poster.....have you talked to the OBS?

Nothing kills an A faster then getting both BS's on the same page. Don't believe what your WS or the OW are saying, they are trying to do everything they can to make this "OK" to be friends. You need to contact the OBS without your WS knowing and find out what is really going on.

And since you are the bread winner I would REALLY go talk to an attorney to know your rites.

You can do it.


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Absolutely start the 180! I am angry reading this.

Tell the other spouse and do it today.

You can do this, ((Arnold01))!

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Arnold - gently here, but harsh reality....

He doesn't get it, and he won't until he has some consequences. He is sitting on the fence and eating cake. Of course he's been nice to you all along, he's been able to keep in contact with her, and the fact that he continues to believe that this acceptable shows how deep in the fog he is.
I am angry for you.
He wants to have you fall back in line, and not talke about it, so he can continue to do what he wants. This will not help you, or your M. It can be tough to make some of the decisions you face, but many of us have been in the same boat and we have survived it.

You need to do a few things and since he is blissfully unaware you have the option of doing them without his knowledge which may have more impact on him when you do pull the trigger.
I would strongly recommend that you see a D lawyer or 2, and get info on how you can expect this thing to play out should he not get it. Find out what your rights are, and what to expect financially. Next you need to implement the 180, and while doing that figure out what your line in the sand is, and prepare yourself to follow through.
YOU do not deserve to be a choice, YOU do not deserve to be disrespected to this level. YOU are the one who can change it.
I often remind members that you can't force someone to do something that you want, however you can make things very difficult for them should they continue to behave in a way that is detrimental to you, and your marriage.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

He was frustrated by the conversation and is pretty annoyed with me, of all things. He says he hates these discussions that go on and on and all of my over analyzing. He says he has told me a thousand times that he loves me, I am his choice, he is committed to us, and that all he wants from her is a friendship so the fact I keep questioning that has pushed him over the edge.

You know what really struck me when I read this part of your post - ITS ALL ABOUT HIM - he said...he said..

The only part where I agree with him is overanalyzing everything - if there is one thing I learned with my H is that all the "talking" really does nothing - talk is cheap - its so easy to say anything - lets take a look at his actions...thats what you need to listen to-

And that's all he'll listen to also - is YOUR ACTIONS.

Your H can do whatever he wants - its all in how YOU react to it - thats all you can control.

I have to say...I am so angry for you - he's really an idiot who just doesn't get it - and no amount of heart-felt conversations is going to change that-


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Nov 2007
stupidgirlme
New Member
Member # 38778
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I love how he didn't feel the need to be a team when he decided to break NC, but now it is "we" (read ME) that has to be the bad guy and insist on NC.

Oh, Honey, do I hear ya!! In my WH's good-bye my lover letter, which I wasn't supposed to see, he made it clear that *I* (Read horrible, nasty, evill wife) was the one who blocked her on FB and deleted her number from his phone. Amazing how we are the bad ones just because we want to uphold our marriage vows!

I'm so sorry you re going through this!


~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Not saying this to hurt you. Please. . . don't take it that way. (((HUGS)))

He wants cake and ice cream too. Please Arnold01 180 him. He knows that he is being selfish, he said so. He knows that he is hurting you. He doesn't care, he would rather hurt you then her. He wants to have an EA with her and thinks that that should be ok with you but if it isn't oh well. He will do it anyway.

Take good care my friend.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Up until two days ago he was supportive, remorseful, willing to talk and answer my difficult questions, etc

He was only pretending. He was appeasing you for the moment until you backed down and he could revert back to his old ways.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13818 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

He was only pretending. He was appeasing you for the moment until you backed down and he could revert back to his old ways.

he would rather hurt you then her.

I agree and think both of these statements are spot on. Arnold, my heart breaks for you and I don't want to hurt you - but you haven't got a remorseful spouse now and he wasn't remorseful before either. He's being totally unreasonable and he knows it.

Please start the 180 for your own sake, while you decide what is the best thing to do next for you and your children. ((((((Hugs))))))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 9th (Friday)

You guys are awesome, yet again, and I wish I could thank all of you personally for the support.

Things are far from good, but I feel stronger in the past few days. I've started the 180 which is helping me tremendously, and we had a good MC session on Wednesday. That was followed by some very difficult but civilized and constructive conversation at home.

Yesterday, WH emailed MOW to check in - now that he believes everyone is fine with them being friends - and she emailed back that she is really struggling with what she has done and how she's hurt her husband. She suggested that if she and WH are going to remain friends, they need to cool things off for now and see whether someday after a lot of healing that can be possible. WH told her that if she needs her space, he'll respect that.

When I got home yesterday WH told me about this entire exchange and showed me the emails. He told me he felt horrible and started to cry when he told me that he's hurt all the people he cares about (me, her, her husband). I'm glad I made the list (ha!). Even so, my husband absolutely does not cry, so this felt like the first little bit of true emotion and recognize for what he's done.

So, I'm not betting on anything and am not willing to let up on the 180 until I see a LOT more action and not just a few words. Even so, I wonder if the OW telling him that what they've done is wrong, that they hurt everyone they love, and that they cannot stay in contact and keep hurting me and her BH will finally break through to him. I've said all of that all along, but maybe it will take her saying so for him to listen.

For now I'm looking for actions that suggest the fog is lifting. There is probably going to be some affair withdrawal now that she's backed off of their relationship, and I'm prepared to stick with the 180 for a bit to see how this goes. I'm researching my options so that I'm ready to make decisions if it comes to that.

I know several of you might think I'm a fool for not having kicked him out already, but I've realized that my emotions have been so up and down that I can't trust myself yet to know what I'm really feeling. The 180 is helping a ton with that, so I know I'll be strong enough either way - whether things improve and we eventually get to real R or not.

I guess sinsofthefather said it best: I'm taking care of myself while I decide what the best thing to do for me and my children is. ((((hugs back to you all))))


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Arnold01. Just want to lend mu support and say you are far from stupid....my idiot WH still hasn't admitted to affair and has broken no contact. He is currently repenting by being home straight after work every day not using cell or texting after he gets home ( this was method of contact). And not going out with friends etc. he too has said he is sick of me monitoring and any liking him and that he loves only me so what is my issue ( he denies having PA and doesn't see the issue of EA even though he lied continually about where he was who he was talking too and who he was with) I too have not kicked him out am doing 180 and taking time to get my ducks in a row and make decisions. I am numb to him right now. He will either make an effort or not. He refuses MC but has to find a way to win my trust and love back! (((Hugs))) to you. May you find alight at the end of a long dark tunnel.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 9th (Friday)

WH told her that if she needs her space, he'll respect that.

But yet didn't respect YOUR need for NC?

When I got home yesterday WH told me about this entire exchange and showed me the emails. He told me he felt horrible and started to cry when he told me that he's hurt all the people he cares about (me, her, her husband). I'm glad I made the list (ha!). Even so, my husband absolutely does not cry, so this felt like the first little bit of true emotion and recognize for what he's done.

I wouldn't count on it. Finally, he's not getting his way and *that's* what hurts.

MrH has cried only a handful of times in the 22yrs we've been together. A couple have been after 2A. I honestly still don't think he gets it because he's simply too self focused to get it. It's more an uncomfortable feeling about himself that he doesn't know how to deal with than a true realization of the damage he's caused.

I'm sorry, but that's the vibe I'm getting from your WH and I'm pissed for you that he's willing to respect the OW and not you, the woman he chose to spend his life with.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11235 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
endlessabsurdity
Member
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Just wanted to post and say I understand what you are going through. My dday was 6 months ago. About a month later I checked the phone bill and found out my wife was still in contact with the OM. The next two days were the worst living hell I had ever experienced. It was unimaginable emotional pain from which there was no escape. When I confronted my wife and explained how badly it hurt me, the only thing she asked was whether the kids had seen me going through this. She didn't express remorse or concern for my wellbeing.

She committed to me that day to start promising NC on a daily basis, and she reported to me about NC every day. About a month later she sent a very clear NC letter to the OM. While there were some good signs, there were also bad signs, and my wife never really showed true remorse. I had various reasons to suspect that they might still be in contact, though I hoped with all my heart that it wasn't true. I made it very difficult for them to continue contact, and I continued increasing my surveillance. A month later I saw her car parked in his driveway. She had been lying to me almost every single day for two months.

No matter how good a person you believed your spouse to be in the past, an affair turns them into an addict that will say and do anything to keep the affair going. They will say and do things you wouldn't possibly imagine them ever saying or doing.

If you want R, continue to demand absolute NC for the rest of his life, and he must be willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you that NC is being strictly maintained. Never take his word for it. Always conduct your own surveillance to verify NC.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Set your boundaries. Stay strong. Above all, take care of yourself. You can come out of this a stronger, happier person whether your spouse chooses to join you or not.

[This message edited by endlessabsurdity at 6:31 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Arnold01,

First off you are not an idiot or a fool or anything else. You just love your husband and want things to work between you. We have all been there.

When I got home yesterday WH told me about this entire exchange and showed me the emails. He told me he felt horrible and started to cry when he told me that he's hurt all the people he cares about (me, her, her husband). I'm glad I made the list (ha!). Even so, my husband absolutely does not cry, so this felt like the first little bit of true emotion and recognize for what he's done.

I'm not sure that he is crying because "what he's done." I think he is crying because it seems to be over with OW. At least for the time being. They left them selves an opening in case she can't fix things with her BS. Please don't read to much into his tears. I think if you do it could hurt you more later.

Please take care and stay on that 180. Good Job


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Oh honey, he wasn't crying because he recognizes what he's done to you... He cried because he realized he had hurt his OW.

Sorry if that is harsh. I've been through this same thing- she's my friend, I can still talk to her and it is ok, you don't get to choose my friends, blah blah bullshit.

This. Does. Not. Work.

As we say, you are either all in or all out. He is cake eating all over you and in complete BS fog. Save yourself and 180. I kicked the Dooosh out after I realized he was choosing her "friendship" (aka continuing his affair) with her over the sanctity of our marriage vows.

Sorry. This doesn't look like he gets it At All.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 29