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User Topic: Staying and forgiving because I'm just that awesome
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

When I JFO about WH's affairs, I immediately demanded he end his affairs, but also offered to reconcile. Because you know, I'm just that kind of person. Long suffering. I believed in my vows "for better or for worse" and this was "worse". And I would honor my vows, despite him not honoring his.

I thought it was a) the right thing to do and b) would prove what an awesome wife I was, that he was treating like shit, and make him realize what an idiot he was.

All it proved was that I was a doormat.

False R after false R, lies upon lies upon gaslighting, his endless pursuit of new AP's, his emotional abuse, his behavior started with "just cheating" and then steadily got worse and worse and worse.

What kind of woman puts up with that? An awesome one?

NO. A codependent doormat with such deep self esteem issues that my only way of valuing me was to stay with an abuser.

I've been thinking on this all day. I'm so glad to be free of him, but also glad to be free of that kind of crazy thinking I had back in the early days.

I'm awesome alright. Now that I've learned I don't have to forgive him, and I don't have to hang around waiting for him to heal himself. Cuz he isn't going to.

I wish I hadn't thought I had something to prove by staying.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1086 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

Good for you. Best of luck on your "new" life and never settle for someone who does not value and respect you.
Hugs on your journey!!


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1276 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I'm awesome alright. Now that I've learned I don't have to forgive him, and I don't have to hang around waiting for him to heal himself.[/quote

You certainly are awesome. And you're going to be just fine.
(((hugs)))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

As Reba sang, "Nothing feels as good as letting go." Congratulations on showing you love yourself.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I've been thinking about this for 2 days, also.

ďI care too much I think. My friends tell me that I have too much empathy, is that even possible? I still don't always see the manipulation.Ē That is my problem too! I think one reason we are targeted by narcs is that we are higher on empathy/compassion/kindness so its takes a lot longer longer for us to see through their "masks" of normality to the hidden monster that lies beneath. I kept making excuses for my then-H's bad behavior (work stress, family illness, moving, job hunting etc). In reality he was just devaluing me. I read a great quote: "If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, youíre fooling yourself. Thatís like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didnít eat him."

When does empathy become codependence? (Unfortunately, I lent my copy of "Codependent No More" to someone, so I can't peek at my notes)
When does self-care become selfishness?

I guess it's all about balance -- that magical spot between caring too little and caring too much.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Wow. These posts hit home. I am six weeks from D-Day and am committed to doing what I can - for now - to make things work with WH. I know I can always make a different choice later, but for now there is enough hope in my situation that I prefer to stay and see what happens.

Even so, having learned two nights ago that WH broke NC, I am starting to emerge from my own fog and understand what all of you more experienced people have been saying. I thought for sure that my husband did a terrible thing but wasn't a terrible person...and now I'm not certain. We have talked constantly for 36 hours about his broken NC, and last night I actually told him that I know the RIGHT thing for me to do is to insist on NC and provide a consequence if he chooses to break it again, but that I'm too emotionally fragile right now to make that ultimatum. I guess I can't see myself being able to carry out the consequence right now if it came to that.

So I know that my empathy and optimism is getting in the way of my own healing...and I can even articulate this to WH...yet I'm not able to take action. Heartbroken, I'm so impressed by your insight, and the fact that you've gotten to this point gives me hope that I can do the same. Good luck in your new life, free of the "crazy thinking"!


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jul 2013
Whatdoido333
Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Good for you! So proud of you.

After a year of therapy and NC never being established by NPDH and OW, I'm still not there yet.

Maybe I'm waiting for my child to get older...no idea. But I know I owe it to myself to get there one day.

We all deserve to be treated with respect......


Posts: 116 | Registered: Aug 2012
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Yes, a healthy dose of Mutual Respect and the Golden Rule:

The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim,[1] ethical code or morality[2] that essentially states either of the following:

(Positive form of Golden Rule): One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.[1]
(Negative form of Golden Rule): One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated (also known as the Silver Rule).

This concept describes a "reciprocal", or "two-way", relationship between one's self and others that involves both sides equally, and in a mutual fashion.

(From Wikipedia)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 5th (Monday)

(((heartbroken_kk))) You ARE an awesome woman! The shit is on him. Keep moving on and healing yourself. Peace and strength.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9649 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
MylarPineapples
Member
Member # 39570
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I have really been struggling with similar thoughts ever since the most recent DDay. After DDay #2 in January, I was explicit with my WH that up to that point, I could still see him as a good man who made very bad choices, but that any further BS would make it clear to me that his cheating was a much more intrinsic character flaw - and I begged him not to make me see him that way. No matter - didn't stop him from sexting with another howorker 5 months later.

So now, I am thinking a lot more about how MY responses to this are indicative of who I am as a woman, and what kind of woman I WANT to be. Does forgiving over and over make me a loving wife who is honoring my part of the wedding vows, or does it make me a pathetic doormat that doesn't demand any respect from others? I haven't figured out my answers to these questions yet.


Me: BS, Him: WH, 3 kids
8/08: EA with former neighbor
1/13: EA/Sexting with Coworker #1
6/13: Sexting with Coworker #2

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

So now, I am thinking a lot more about how MY responses to this are indicative of who I am as a woman, and what kind of woman I WANT to be. Does forgiving over and over make me a loving wife who is honoring my part of the wedding vows, or does it make me a pathetic doormat that doesn't demand any respect from others? I haven't figured out my answers to these questions yet

Talked about this in IC today. I have 3 teenage boys who are watching me. At some point, I have to live with myself and the decisions I've made.
It really pisses me off that WS has put me in the position of *needing* to choose divorce to save myself.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 11