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Just Found Out
User Topic: Why do I want to know if he took off his wedding ring?
painandgrief
Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

The last several days I've been plagued with a nagging thought. I want to know if my WH removed his wedding ring when he went out with the OW.

Some back story first: my husband travels for business and met the OW in Asia (far, far away from where we live). They met at the end of one trip and communicated extensively for a month via electronic methods. He returned for another legitimate trip a month later and at this point, they spend practically every evening together. So the emotional affair turned physical pretty quickly.

During his week stay, I believe she stayed every night with him in his hotel room and I know they toured around the city and went out to frequent dinners.

I know he doesn't wear his ring to bed, so what is bothering me so much about what he did with the ring the other times? I'm going crazy wondering if he left it on for business meetings so he could keep up appearances, but then did he take it off for his dates with her?

Was it to lessen his guilt, to pretend I didn't exist, or to feel free to do whatever the hell he pleased?

Right up there with imagining them performing oral sex on one another (which I know they did) I'm becoming obsessed with this.

Why does this matter so much to me?

OMG - when will this torture end?


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

You want to know because of what the ring symbolizes - marriage and fidelity to you.

He takes it off for bed, which is really weird by the way, so you can be sure he did when he was with her. It's all part of their compartmentalization. Life with you in one and life with her in another. A guilty conscience is a strong motivation.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

Are you still together? If so, ask him. Mine left his on. I asked why he didn't take it off he said he didn't think about it. He always wears it, so at the time I think it was just a piece of jewelry. No meaning behind it

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

This was a big deal to me too, but unfortunately it's one of the many things concerning this that there are no "good" answers to.

Mine didn't take his off and it revolts me to think that it touched OW's skin.

But if he had taken it off it would revolt me bc I would think he was trying to forget me or the fact that he was married in order to do what he did.

If you need to know, ask him and find out. But you probably won't like the answer either way...


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

IMO the whole ring thing is just a symbol of what should have been when the vows were said and the ring was placed on the hand of the spouse. The ring on or off during the time of sex with the op isn't really the issue. The issue to me was the lack of respect and integrity h had for the marriage itself to allow himself to have the a in the first place.

Now if a ws is removing the wedding ring because he/she is trying to cover up the fact that they are married, then that would indeed bother me. But then again remember, it is just another thing to add to the pile of shit they got themselves into. In the end, ring on or off, they still went out and threw us under the bus.


Posts: 2463 | Registered: Sep 2005
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

It bothered me to see my ex's ring gone the next morning after D-Day. He couldn't wait to move on, openly walking hand-in-hand with OW uptown 2 days later.

It's like our 30 year M just evaporated.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

My STBXH took his off. I hated the pics that showed no ring but his chain around his neck stay cross in tact. That still makes me
He always took his ring off when he got home. Weird now I guess.
I hope you can put this part to rest after asking him. I hate that nagging feeling. Take care!


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
painandgrief
Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

But if he had taken it off it would revolt me bc I would think he was trying to forget me or the fact that he was married in order to do what he did.

I think that's it. He's always worn it every day except at bedtime, so if he took it off, then he cast me and our marriage aside. The game playing with wearing it around business associates would be equally hurtful because he would have known what he did the night before.

I would give anything to have been in his head as he justified whatever decision he made. Ugh.

To answer an earlier question, we are still together trying to make a go of it. I'm angry that my joy has been ripped from me. I'm normally a really happy person and the fact that I needed meds to keep some semblance of sanity just makes me so angry.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

Three days after telling me she had been seeing somebody she said these words to me. "I know it's a weird question, but when is it ok to take off the rings?"
I asked her if it bothered him the OM. She said, "Yeah, he asked." In retrospect it was then that I knew it was over


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
momoffive
Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I would say you want to know because of what that ring that you placed on his finger represents.

On my dday#2 when he admitted to the PA, as I crumbled to the floor, of all the things I could have said to him, I cried out asking if he kept his ring on while having sex with the whore.

I think I asked because in that moment I needed to know if he disrespected me in that way as well.

By the way, my SAWH kept his ring on. It doesn't mean anything to him. It's just a piece of jewelry to him.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 19
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I wanted to know too. My H seems like I should give him brownie points for keeping it on. I was disgusted to think about my ring being all over the OW's body and god knows where else. I think I would've wanted him to take it off.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

^^^^^^This
My WH kept the ring on. Yuck. I know where it's been on her. He says he didn't even think about taking it off or not (!)- not at all.
But as was said before, neither answer is going to make you happy.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

At the beginning, I was pretty desperate to know that, too. A wedding ring is a such a huge symbol.

Nearly ExH took his off, pretty quickly. He told OW and probably others that he was a widower (Nope!).

FWIW, I take rings off at night because I have neuropathy and reynauds. My hands fall asleep sometimes at night and it's this horrific feeling when my ring finger would swell with my ring on it. Nearly ExH knew this, though, I made sure to tell him when it first began.

I think as the others do, that you want to know if he wears the ring maybe because of what it signifies-and doesn't, like if someone is pretending.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, August 5th (Monday)

I also wanted to know, did she wear them, did she take them off, did she think about them at all?

Apparently didn't think about it much.

It was a meaningless piece of metal at that point, but not later.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
NotsureIcan
Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 5th (Monday)

So weird... I had this thought the other day but I think my WH kept his on because he knew that him wearing his ring afterward repulsed me and he probably would have told me he didn't wear it. Instead we bought new ones. I did see a partial text about his ring (looking over his shoulder) but maybe he was charting with her about a cock ring...God only knows! Bastard

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I'm so sorry for your pain, and mind movies. (((((painandgrief))))

You want to know all the details to get some grounding and reality back. IMHO, the whole secret A while the BS thinks the WS is faithful throws the BS'es sense of reality for a loop. If we can know what was going on in secret helps us know we are not crazy in a dream land....the WS is in the dream land.

I've read here on SI of WS'es who take their rings off while with the OP, and others who keep it on. Some have a conscience, others are being sneaky, while others just don't give a hoot.

He takes it off for bed, which is really weird by the way

My mother never took hers off, and was proud of the fact. She would agree that taking it off is weird.

But FWH and I have to disagree. We have always taken ours off before we shower and go to bed. Our rings are a bit wide, and get moist underneath, so we like to let our skin dry out overnight. When we began R, we got new ones to symbolize R, and even though they are narrower I still take mine off every night.

Have you asked him how he handled the ring while he was with her? This would be a completely appropriate question for you to ask, and for him to answer if he is committed to R.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Mine took his off (lost several times and had to buy replacements) as part of his secret life. The OW knew he was married, so it's not like he was leading her to believe he was single. I think he was just trying to live a secret life that made him feel single and 15 years younger. Part of the "appeal" if the affair.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
lovelymrsm
New Member
Member # 40077
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I am struggling with the same mind movies. wh also wears my father's wedding ring. My dad passed away 3mths before we got married. Each dday has made the mind movies worse. We are now in an actual R with TT. I think that if he is real this time that we should get new rings. He refuses saying that he cant get a new dick so he will keep his wedding ring and my Dad's wedding ring.
I just want to thank everybody for this conversation it has helped me to put words to my feelings about what the rings mean to me, and strength to explain it to my wh


BS me 38,fWS him 40
Married 2004
4 kids S21,S7,twinsS/D4
DDay1-PA-Nov17,04 ow1 xgf
DDay2-PA-Jan07 ow2 my co-worker
DDay3-PA-Aug11 ow3 5x/2wks hooker
DDay4-E/PA-Aug13 ow4 (Jan-Apr13)
TT Aug13, working on R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
lovelymrsm
New Member
Member # 40077
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, August 5th (Monday)

[This message edited by lovelymrsm at 10:52 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


BS me 38,fWS him 40
Married 2004
4 kids S21,S7,twinsS/D4
DDay1-PA-Nov17,04 ow1 xgf
DDay2-PA-Jan07 ow2 my co-worker
DDay3-PA-Aug11 ow3 5x/2wks hooker
DDay4-E/PA-Aug13 ow4 (Jan-Apr13)
TT Aug13, working on R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Painandgrief,

My WH wore his wedding ring, until his psycho OW demanded that he leave his ring in the car every day -when he showed up at he love-nest-apartment for sex. Of course, he obeyed HER.

TJ,
loverlymrsm:
IF my WH dared to say something like this to me...after having affairs with 4 OW: His stupid butt would be OUT THE DOOR!!

He refuses saying that he cant get a new dick so he will keep his wedding ring and my Dad's wedding ring.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

For me, this is a question that results in a no win answer. If WH took his ring off, it meant that that the ring, and hence our marriage, were easily discarded. It WH kept the ring on, it meant that the ring was meaningless to him and as such, our marriage was meaningless. There was no answer that he could provide that would ease my pain.

As a BS, I think we look for meaning in actions that are inherently incomprehensible. We want clear signs that tell us that our Marriages meant the same to our BS that it meant to us. For me, it meant that by focusing on this, it meant that I could avoid looking at the bigger issue, which was why fWH engaged in adulterous behaviour. Whether he took his ring off or not, does not minimize the effect of his transgressions, namely that he had betrayed you and broken his vows to you.

For the record, fWH tells me that he took his ring off when he saw the OW. It does not provide me any comfort that he did so.

((painandgrief))


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
painandgrief
Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Me plus four, I think you are right there are no good answers to this question. Like so may of you have said, imagining him holding hands with her while having our ring on would be wrong on so many levels, at least, I know the ring never got to her naked body.

This is just one more of those things that we are expected to process, accept and forget it we are to move on eventuallly toward reconciliation.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Helpless  Posted: 6:06 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I wanted to know too. And it was a late hit. Something that I wanted to know during the first year but that I didn't think of until after I had finished a lot of other questions.

Ask him. And tell him how you feel about even the question and his answer.

For the record, my WH and marriedOW kept theirs on, even while wandering around romantic locales as a couple in love.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

The wedding ring is a highly charged symbol, rightfully so.

Logically, I suppose one could say that it doesn't 'matter'; however, the thought of his hand wearing the ring I gave him being on (I won't even go into other possibilities) another woman seems like an added measure of blatant disrespect. There's the symbol of his vows, and he's 'f*ck that!'.

Of course, taking OFF the ring has its own painful spin, but to me it's slightly less disgusting than keeping it on.

Mine came off the minute I knew, and I will never wear it again; I do intend to give it to one of my kids some day.

Due to my fwH's tawdry past stretching all through our history, even my engagement ring was tainted. We wound up getting a new ring made using the original diamond and adding a couple stones. A new symbol for a new start.

Originally my thought had been to melt down our two original wedding bands and have new ones made, but that was absolutely cost prohibitive.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Doubts
Member
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I asked my WH the same question. It was one of those questions that has no right answer. If he took it off it would show forethought and control. If he kept it on it shows that he didn't care. The ring is just a piece of garbage now, as are mine. He threatened to hock his and I told him to be sure to split the money with me.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Doubts, I know this is a painful subject but I laughed out loud when I read your response to your WH's threat to hock his ring.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

My WH took his ring off and left it in the car when he went to her apartment. When they finished, he put it back on and returned to work.

I don't think there is an answer that will make you feel better. When asked, he told me he took it off for himself. He knew it was wrong and he made the conscience and selfish decision to proceed.

I have not worn my ring since dday, it just makes me sad even thinking about it. He still wears his ring, as though he's some sort of "super husband". He told me recently, that he realizes that he should have seen the ring as a warning or a barrier that stopped him, but he didn't see it that way at the time and it proves just how skewed this thoughts were at the time. Gee, now I feel much better, thanks.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Yep this is a crappy question I got the answer too an hour ago....so on one hand I'm thrilled it never touched that sluts body but I'm sad each time he made the conscious choice to take it off so he knew what he was doing was wrong


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
painandgrief
Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Thank you all for the excellent advice. I've started to understand my own patterns, if I don't ask something, it will eat away at me and I just cant' let it go.

I asked and was surprised by the answer and non-answer. He didn't wear it when he was with her. The first reason given was guilt, the second was because he knew that it would make her uncomfortable.

What surprised me was when I asked him about during the work day, since he does not work with her. I thought he would have taken if off at night when he met up with her.
He claimed he didn't remember if he wore it during the day or not. So obviously, he chose not to wear it at all.

So the surprise was that he presented to his work colleagues that he wasn't married. That meant the ring came off when he arrived over there and only went back on when he came back home.

Now the ring means nothing to me. I'm glad I know. I'm not angry, I'm satisfied to have clarity about one more aspect of what I thought reality was. Reality is now reset to understand the depths of his selfishness.

I'm starting to come to terms with how her feelings have overridden mine time and time again.

I met alone with our MC yesterday. She recommended the 180. I now have the strength and determination to do it.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Mine kept his on. Didn't even think about it. It's never been off his finger in 18years and he just didn't think about it. She knew he was married and knowing her she would have got a kick out of him using that hand to touch her.

When I pointed out that it was his left hand he used to 'touch her intimately'I first made him Dettol it. That didn't help I still felt sick. Then I made him take it off and hide it.

He replaced it with his old tacky engagement ring I got him as a teenager. I was touched by that. Then he told me he didn't want the ring to be kept in case I ever stumbled across the hiding place. .... So he ceremoniously flushed it down the loo and said he will stick to his engagement ring until we know if I can R and replace his wedding ring. He said the engagement ring means more cos at that time he was the man he wants to be again.

can I be REALLY crude here .... don't read on if you're squeamish! I took great pleasure in going to the toilet straight after he flushed the wedding ring. He shat on our marriage so I did on the ring! it was surprisingly cathartic for me and I feel much happier now every time I see his engagement ring, horrible as it is - cheesy snake ring -because it shows me he wants to start again from scratch and win me back. He refuses to go ringless but turns out he detested the wedding ring after what he did. It was a permanent reminder to him.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Bloomsday
Member
Member # 40275
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Interesting topic and responses. My XWW took her's off. It was her way of "turning off" her marriage vows while she cheated. As noted above, there would be no good answer. But as significant as a wedding ring can be, there are worse ideas to fixate on. Like the times I picked her up at the airport when she returned from a "business trip" and kissed her deeply, oblivious as to where her lips had been that day. In retrospect, I think I would gladly trade the ring thingie not to have done that until after she brushed her teeth.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Aug 2013
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 12th (Monday)


..for me, bottom line was the fact that WW would engage in the 'activities' at all, with or without her rings on (going steady ring and wedding bands)..

..meant that she had no respect for the rings to begin with.

..being my gf or my wife didn't stand in her way from betraying me..

..i don't wear any rings or jewelry at all, ..only my watch!

..as a symbol of all that is sacred in one's marriage, the rings were a total joke..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Topic Posts: 32