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Reconciliation
User Topic: Caught Him Drinking!! After 100 Days. :(
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Friday I posted how I was closing my SI chapter because things were going so well in R with my fWH.

It's 2am, this morning and I hear a bottle cap open from a bottle...

I go out to the living room and ask him if he's drinking. He says no. I pull the blanket from him and his beer falls...

It breaks my heart. For my baby boys, it breaks my heart. I don't want an alcoholic father for them or an alcoholic husband. It's so sad. It's beyond sad.

Need some suggestions, please. I've tried being nice and supportive, I've tried wearing bitch boots, I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm powerless. I know that. I'm just not too sure how to react in a supporting, positive, productive way. I told him drinking is unaaceptable and if he wanted to drink he needs to get the fuck out of here. I was pretty upset.

What should I be saying or doing? I'm so lost. I thought I made it very clear no drinking is our #1 R requirement....


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Gently, I don't think you need to say anything else. I think you need to follow through with what you have said you would do.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 5th (Monday)

You need to decide for you and your boys. You will hear lots of promises.

Is he going to meetings? Doing his step work? Reading the big book?
He needs to get it going.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm powerless. I know that.
You are not powerless over your life, honey, even if you are powerless over his choices.

I thought I made it very clear no drinking is our #1 R requirement....
You did. And, gently, he is making it clear that he is in no position to be in R. He is not a safe person right now.

The best thing you can do for yourself, your boys, and even for fWH is to stand by what you said. He needs to go.

((((liberty))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25736 | Registered: Aug 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 5th (Monday)

1. he's drinking
2. he lied about it

follow through libertyrocks, follow through. Be brave honey...
I'm so sorry.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5269 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, August 5th (Monday)

(((Libertyrocks)))

The full weight needs to be on his shoulders now. He knows what needs to be done. He has to do it.

You need to take care of you and the kids.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2630 | Registered: Aug 2012
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 5th (Monday)

i had a drunk for a dad NOT GOOD AT ALL! it killed me to see my mom hurt and it hurt that he always let me down he was non functional and not there for me cause he was drowning in boose it sucked , he choose beer over us.


i say go through with what you said would happen.


my mom took my dad back al the time and he always still drank and put so much money into it that we couldnt pay bills



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 5th (Monday)

(((libertyrocks)))


You know what you have to do..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Good advice, here, thank you everyone!


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 5th (Monday)

First off I am so very sorry. I can relate to the drinking problem.
My husband quit drinking the day after d-day three and a half years ago. He still is not drinking. Like you that was my number one requirement for reconcilliation. I forgave him for the affair but I could not forgive him for his drinking another minute.

[This message edited by Deanna at 5:36 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 5th (Monday)

(((libertyrocks))))

I ache for you.

I am 54, my father was an alcoholic, I am still trying to fix the damage.

Protect yourself and your boys, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You are the only one that can make it safe.

I am now married to an alcoholic, history repeats if we don't learn the lesson. I never knew any different, I learned that anger and abuse were normal.

I am now in the worst pain of my life because no one ever protected me and I never learned to protect myself. My mom couldn't, she could barely get through each day. I learned all the wrong lessons, never knew there was anything better until now.

If he feels that his family is the most important thing he will make the necessary choices, AA, no drinking.

You cannot do this for him, he must suffer the consequences of his actions.

If the drink is most important, even though it will break your heart now, you will be better off without him. Your boys will be better off shielded from his addiction.

I really am not sure if what I say is right, it is just coming from my gut.

I am just learning about all of this myself. Alcoholism breeds abuse, at least in my life. The effects of it lasted for so many years, I am 54 and just starting to adjust my behavior and thoughts from my fathers behavior.

See what others say, I just had to let you know how devastating it has been to my life.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1422 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Alexisk17
Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I am so sorry.


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
HopeFloats2272
New Member
Member # 39264
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 5th (Monday)

((Libertyrocks))


I hate that your FWH made that choice. It seems so insane from where we stand since he is now fully aware of what the consequences are and chose to do it anyway.

Alcohol is an issue for us as well. Just curious, did you know there was beer in the house or did he sneak it in? I ask because my IC told me that if I was going to ask my WH to stop drinking altogether then I couldn't drink either. It's not fair to have it in the house if he truly has a drinking problem. I haven't gone that route yet (for selfish reasons) but I suppose it's in the future.

My thoughts are with you.


BS- 40, WH 38
Married 13yrs, 2 Sweet Boys-5 & 9
DD#1: 1/10/12- 6mo EA
DD#2: 8/23/12-revealed 1PA, 2ONS in 2010 and 1EA/PA in 2004
DD#3: 9/10/12- ONS w/friend in 2010
Lots of other crap and TT - basically I was married to a guy that forgot he was

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Maryland
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I'm so sorry Liberty! (((hugs))) Such is the nature of an addict. He has to really want recovery. I agree with the others that keeping the boundary you set is crucial. Please take care of yourself.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I'm so sorry ((Liberty)).

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to get strong enough motivation to change. I would calmly impose the consequence you stated--he drank, he leaves.

Maybe the loss of his family will be his rock bottom, but either way, you can keep your self-worth and protect your boys.

My WH grew up with an alcoholic father. WH is a wonderful but deeply damaged person. His soul is gentle and loyal, yet he could not help but absorb characteristics from alcoholism.

He's working so hard now, but before he had no personal boundaries. Anyone could manipulate him because he had no real self confidence and was convinced that deep down he must be unlovable. (If he were lovable, his dad wouldn't have been driven to drink. If he were worth something, his mom would have protected him.)

He has trust issues and fear of abandonment. The coping skills he learned from his FOO are denial, compartmentalization, blame shifting, and rugsweeping.

This is a man who craves intimacy and adores me. Yet, in the perfect storm of stress pre-A and the A itself, he became just like his father. Cold, disdainful, detached and emotionally abusive.

If you let your boys grow up with an alcoholic, they will sustain the damage that millions of ACoA's have. I wish with all my heart that WH's mom had left his dad when he was still little.

Very best wishes and hug your boys.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 5:16 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Hugs, honey. I am living with a recovering SA, have an adult son who is a recovering alcoholic, and am the daughter of a drunk mother. The damage that did is far reaching. Be strong. Put on those bitch boots. If not for you, for those kids.
The second hardest thing I ever did was throw my SAfWH out. The HARDEST thing I ever did was throw my DS out. They both say now it saved their lives. But that CANNOT be the reason you do it, because you have no control over him. You do have control over your actions.

Many many hugs...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:52 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3656 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I am sorry. You need to follow thru with what your said as hard as it will be. Sending good thoughts to you and your kids


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Liberty, I keep writing and re-writing a response. This is such a tough situation. Firstly, sobriety is not a straight line path for everyone. And that's OK. Maybe Chicho can chime in more on this, but slip-ups are a part of the early days of recovery for most. It doesn't meant he can't be successful in arresting this disease. Just keep that in mind no matter what - even if you break-up, there is still hope that he can clean up for your kiddos. No guarantee, but nothing wrong with cautious, detached optimism.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums. They suck. They are often issued with a particular goal in mind - to elicit a certain behavior - rather than being a real boundary. Most people (myself included) don't really and truly think through the complexities of situations and how the way they play out could affect whether or not we want to follow through. I guess my advice is don't worry so much about following through just for the sake of following through. Go back to what you really want and what you really feel. Did you issue the ultimatum because you really could not R with someone who is drinking? Or did you issue the ultimatum hoping it would knock him into sobriety? If you issued the ultimatum to do that, to get him sober, I'm not surprised it didn't work and he didn't stay sober. And I'm not surprised it left you conflicted; that is what happens if your ultimatum is about the other person rather than yourself. Can you R with someone who is addressing the disease, but experiences a slip-up (I don't know if he's addressing the disease or not)? I guess all I'm saying is I disagree with the posters who say you have to leave because you said you would. So what. Maybe you changed your mind in a very trying emotional time with infidelity and alcoholism. The important part is to take care of you, take care of the kids, get more centered so that you really know what you want and need in R. Once you know, don't make an ultimatum out of it. Just live it, embrace it, and find strength from the boundaries you have. Strength from within.

My WH is 6 months sober. I know how I will approach a slip up if it happens. And it is my boundary. For myself. Not to cojole him into staying sober.

Liberty, take care. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 10:04 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I spent my entire M (20+yrs) with a WH who drank wine every single day. He was never: fall down drunk, did not slur his words, held an executive position and never missed a day of work. I would accuse him of being an alcoholic (because he drank daily, and hid it) but internally I was confused as to whether he was one or not. He built up such a huge tolerance for alcohol it was difficult to tell. I now understand that he was a functioning alcoholic.

For years I bitched to him about his drinking. Looking back I see how destructive his drinking was to our M. I began to feel like he was a complete asshole and let him know it, I lost respect for him, in turn he basically ignored me. We co-existed, did not fight all that much, but the love was lacking.

My WH took his last drink 10/2010 on Dday. While in MC I was told that I should have done exactly what I threatened to do during the course of our M, "Divorce his ass". I learned during that session that the MC was a reformed alcoholic, so I trust he knew what he was talking about.

Had I known then what I know now I really should have sat my WH down for a serious talk, one that basically said, get help and stop drinking or I am leaving.

When I ask my WH what he thinks would have happened had I done that he honestly believes that he would have stopped drinking.

Please, please, please do not do what I did and allow this to continue - take action now to force him to make a decision to stop drinking or give up his family.

{{{libertyrocks}}}

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 12:11 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

No words of advice. Just sending you strength and serenity.

((liberty rocks))


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Sending you my best wishes. I'm sorry to read about the position you're in. I hope you find the strength to make the decision that is right for you and your family. ((((Libertyrocks))))

Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Checking in to see how you are doing.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2630 | Registered: Aug 2012
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I told him drinking is unaaceptable and if he wanted to drink he needs to get the fuck out of here.

Maybe something truly drastic, a true consequence.

You can your children leave for a few days, express to him (letter form, written) that you are leaving because he broken his promise, his sobriety and how this is affecting you and your family and your relationship.

Is he in AA? Has a sponsor?


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I'm so sorry you're in this spot.

(((libertyrocks))

You might read up on 'Drama Triangle'. IIRC, Karpman came up with his model after observing a lot of alcoholism, and then he realized it had a wider application. In any case, reading might help you stay firm with your consequences.



fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10363 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I can understand that drinking would be a deal-breaker for you, living with an active alcoholic is hell

I see drinking and cheating as separate, both equally lousy coping skills or acting out, if you wish.

My fWH is a "recovered" alcoholic with over 12 years sober when he had his A. Sobriety does not guarantee fidelity.

If it was "just a slip" and he''s willing to "get back on the wagon" and he does have a sponsor and is doing (or will do step work), then his slip may not be that much of threat to your R.

I hope you''re well. Have you done any reading on co-dependence? This might be a good time to implement the 180 (if he''s around) or use it as a guide on how to take care of yourself right now.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
beenthere2?
Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, August 9th (Friday)

WH had an issue with drinking and it caused a lot of problems between us. It took a medical issue and us ridding the house of alcohol before he removed his head from his ass.

We were "lucky" in the medical issue, I don't think he would have stopped without it.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
Topic Posts: 26