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User Topic: This is getting crazy-shit-scary. I'm in shock.
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Shocked  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 5th (Monday)

So after much debating with myself, I decided to meet XSO to be as clear as I can be about our breakup being permanent.

We discussed calmly and what I could see is that his head understand why he has to let go but not his heart (which is perfectly normal and conceivable). We even talked calmly about selling the condo.

Then things got weird and scary.

He proceeded to tell me that he had made a will and just signed it at the notary. That I'm the only beneficiary. Then he told me he wanted to end things. That he booked a room at the 18th floor of (specific hotel), because it has a balcony.

I made him promise not to do it. He told me that's what he hoped I'd say and he promised after many deep breaths. He showed me a farwell email he had prepared and deleted it in front of me.

Befor our meeting, I had sworn myself to refrain from wanting to help him (with advice and such) or show him that I care (since he was in such denial, I didn't want to lead him on to hoping for more), but I had to step aside from that "role" to tell him to call someone when he feels the urge. I talked about how the feelings are temporary and he needs someone with him when they happen. I also made him note down 2 self-help books that helped me a lot during my D. I told him I was doing this because he needed to seek help outside of me. Fortunately, he told me he had been discussing his suicidal thoughts with his therapist.

I just called a suicide hotline and the guy told me I did great. (Whatever that can be.) I took extra advice in case XSO tries to contact me in a crisis.

Any word of confort, reassurance, advice, wisdom, etc. would be really appreciated. I'm in shock.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:26 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Lilypad
Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, August 5th (Monday)

What an asshole to do this to you.

He is manipulating you. He obviously has some mental issues and I am glad he is at least talking to a therapist.

At the end you have no control over what he does.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Oh, burnt...this is the worst kind of manipulation.

My very first serious boyfriend in college acted this same way when I wanted to break up with him. I felt bad for him, and stayed in the relationship because I didn't want the guilt if he did commit suicide. But, after a few times of him controlling my entire life, me wanting to end the relationship, him threatening suicide...I finally just walked away.

You can't help him. What he said to you, showed you, threatened you is just...horrible. His choices are his. You can't help him.

I think you handled it great and I'm sorry you have to go through this.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4112 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 5th (Monday)

I know him enough to know all of this is true. Of course, the choice of telling me is not 100% innocent, but I can tell the whole deal was not based solely on manipulation. The bottom line rang and felt true.

I've been suicidal once in my life, I can tell. It was detailed as heck.

But granted, I can't be his first respondent nor control how he deals with the breakup. I know that.

The whole thing is horribly sad and terrible in every way.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:33 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Do you know who his therapist is? You could call him/her and just give them the info. They won't talk to you of course, but would probably appreciate the heads-up. And if he is manipulating he will quickly learn not to do that again.

In the future, I would just go ahead and call 911!


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 5th (Monday)

On the surface, it reads like manipulation...but no way we know that for sure from just reading on an internet site. There certainly appears to be some serious mental issues going on whether it's manipulation or no.

I agree with the others that you shouldn't take this on by yourself and probably not at all...it appears he needs professional help for his suicidal thoughts and or his need to manipulate...he needs to get it and get it now.
I just think the best thing you could get from this site are the virtual hugs and support and...well hope he gets some serious therapy.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 539 | Registered: Jun 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Frankly, the next time he pulls that, if there is a next time, call 911. This is not your problem any more. He fired you from that job. Yes, it''s horrible and shocky to have to go through, but let the professionals handle him and walk away. And NC. And (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4718 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, August 5th (Monday)

This makes me crazy mad! My STBX used to pull the suicide threat fairly regularly. I then would immediately jump into "Must Save His Life!" mode and all problems would be swept aside as I begged him to live.

It didn't end until I finally was counseled to tell him I'd never again beg him to live, I would simply call 911 immediately if he ever threatened suicide again, or if I ever even thought he was so sad that he might want to kill himself. And you know what? He never threatened suicide again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9513 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I can't say whether it is manipulation to try to get a particular response from you, or if he is just having suicidal thoughts, and sharing them with you because he has a history of sharing personal things with you.

I have been suicidal, many times in my life. starting in my early teens. It goes with my particular way of being severely depressed. It ramped up again with all the false R of this latest fuckup in my life known as my M to STBXWHNPDPAFTG.

I could NOT stop the thoughts from comping into my head. Driving was the worst. All the bridge abutments, trees, etc I could crash into.

I had to stop driving at freeway speeds. For months I took surface streets.

I told WH about my thoughts. He accused me of trying to manipulate him.

((((burnt_toast))))

You know that if he does attempt or succeed at suicide, it isn't your fault. His depression is his to own. His thoughts are his responsibility to handle.

He can take specific action when he is less freaked out to help himself be less vulnerable to impulse when he freaks out again. Like, cancel the hotel reservation. Like, putting the phone number for his therapist, the suicide prevention hotline, etc. in his phone.

You cannot control him or cause or prevent any particular action on his part.

Let go. Breathe. Focus on you. When your thoughts go to this crazy shit, find an alternate thought to distract you. What are you going to put in the tossed salad? (one of my favorite go-to thoughts). Or visualize a park bench. Or upcoming maintenance on your car. ANYTHING to get your mind away from him.

Suicidal thoughts are not all that rare in depressed people. Actual suicide is.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1122 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

My X did this as well.

My attorney said one phone call to the local 911 or suicide hotline would take care of it if it was a manipulation ploy.

Yes - you did the right thing and you are (unfortunatley) not alone.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 10:05 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2056 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I've read many angry anwsers to my initial post. It was not my intention to stir any wounds in those who may have ran across similar situations.

Please take in consideraton XSO is the guy I rebuilt my life with after my D. He didn't cheat. He actually took care of me when I spent 2 years in a wheelchair. Understand this is an incredibly hard decision for me.

Thank you for all who posted. I appreciate all the wisdom and life based experience here.

I can handle shaking or challenging thoughts, but please be gentle as you deliver them.

I hope this message won't kill the thread as I still need support, but I had to clarify.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 6:41 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Wow burnt_toast,

I feel bad for both of you. I think the suicide hotline person was right, you handled it well.

You cannot stop somone from ending their life if they are committed to that end, but you provided him with support and advice.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It is up to his therapist and himself now. Next time I agree that you should just call the hotline.

((hugs))


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Please don't meet with him again even in public.

Your other post alarmed me when you stated how you broke up with him and he made camping plans and now this, him telling you of his plans of killing himself.

That sounds like a last stand statement that and his FOO issues might make him feel all is lost right now especially with the breakup.

Be safe


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Hope you're ok this morning. :( sorry you have to deal with this


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Hope you're ok this morning. :( sorry you have to deal with this


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

((((burnt_toast))))

XSO has really put you in a hard place. I know that you are a very caring person and his actions will draw you to help. I am glad that you talked to a suicide hotline for advice.

The power to change the attitude of XSO is his. I am glad that he is in therapy. I am praying for him to be over his suicidal tendencies.

My only advice is don't get back together with him in these circumstances. Keep reaching out for support.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51938 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

((((burnttoast)))

Take care of yourself! Do something for you today...

Remember you can care for someone without taking care "of" them. I'm so sorry he is is such pain, it isn't your fault and it isn't up to you to fix this.

My ex did this too when I told him it was over between us. I know it was only partly manipulative, and mostly based on his feeling hopeless. He had family that could gather around him so that I didn't have to. His family tried to make me "do" something about his sadness to take care of him, but I was able to set a boundary. I hope your XSO has other people IRL besides you. Can you let those people know he is hurting? Maybe they can offer him support so that you can continue to set limits...

(((burnt toast)))

[This message edited by better4me at 12:37 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3089 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry for the added confusion that he's putting on an already difficult situation.

Nearly ExH also did something kind of similar, where he talked to siblings during "confessions" about calling crisis hotlines and going to crisis centers. But he became such a blatant, f'ing liar that I don't know if it's believable or not.

I did the same as you and I also contacted his siblings, basically sounding an alarm for them to watch over him since I was no longer allowed.

I always have thought that if it made him truly that full of hurt, he should have tried to work it out when he had the chance. It was OW he should have let go, but he is so messed in the head that no one can tell him that he's mixed things all up.

It's not unheard of and things I've heard (from counselors, also) is that it sometimes is manipulation, unfortunately...but it's good that you checked up on what to do by calling the hotline. At least it's a bit of validation for you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2200 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

burnt_toast,

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I've ideated suicide before, but never went so far as to plan it or write a suicide note. Just thought about it. How not existing would be preferable to the unrelenting, fathomless pain.

And I've never threatened anyone with killing myself if they didn't respond the way I wanted. I am a controller, but I never, ever used suicide as a control method. Even to a controller like me, who controlled my wife for 4 years and is in IC right now to fix this, it wouldn't occur to me to use something as horrific as suicide as a tool. Yuck.

For sure there's some manipulation, but as you also pointed out, it was a massive cry for help. And you remain connected to him for some very good reasons. So of course you care.

You're not the only one here on SI who has been fucking BESIEGED by people who think they're being helpful, but who are in fact coming from a raw and traumatic place and want to protect you as much as they should protect themselves, and as a result are actually doing harm. It is difficult for a collective to allow for outliers or exceptions when they live so much of the time within the bulk of the bell curve. And who could blame them?

Understand that there are people who get what you're saying, we're just fewer in number because our experiences are less common. I sure learned that.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

(((((BT))))))

Hoping today is a better day with a bit more clarity for you and him.

It sounds like you did all that you could do to let him know you care about what happens to him, without assuming responsibility for his choices. I think you handled it as well as could be expected.

Sending hugs your way.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Hi there, here is an update :

A friend persuaded me to call the hotel to see if there was a booking. He HAD booked a room on the 18th floor for tomorrow, but I was told he cancelled.

Pfew.

I called the suicide hotline again and they advised that I out his plans to his best friend. I just wrote him a message and I also left one at his therapist.

Yep. I'm in shock. It was all very, very real. Horrified is the best word I guess for tonight.

(Edited because I can't type.)

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 8:49 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

(((B_T)))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51938 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Reaching out to other people to help him is a wise choice. IMHO. He needs to be rinsed that he is still lovable by his friends. One relationship ending IS NOT a reason to take his life. There are others who love him and want to grow old being friends with him-he needs that reminder.

Good choice B_T

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

double post

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:09 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

(((((burnt_toast))))) How terrifying. Sending you strength and comfort, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25020 | Registered: Aug 2011
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Ugh, I can't tell you how many times over the years here on SI I've seen ex's threaten suicide. Not once has one of them followed through, it's always been a manipulation tactic.

I could be wrong, but that's just been the pattern I've seen. Manipulation at it's worst.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 9:28 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3310 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

My brother killed himself when he was 19 after a break-up with his teenage girlfriend. He was a sensitive, sweet, kind and very emotional person. He was just a kid. There were no threats, no drama, nobody ever knew he was thinking of this or what pain he was suffering. He did it quietly, alone, in the middle of the night and left us a note to tell us how much he loved us and that he would be with my father who died at 35.

What I'm trying to say is I think most people who threaten and make all of the suicide noise are most likely not the type to do it.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7467 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I understand that this is pushing every one of yoyr buttons. I also understand that you believe he is serious. You have gone above & beyond the call of duty. Your only recourse now is to call 911 or your equivalent if he threatens again. Then step away from the crazy.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20020 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

(((((burnt_toast)))))

What a relief to know he did cancel the reservation. And good on you for reaching out to his friend and therapist.

Hopefully with each passing hour, each passing day, TIME will help ease his mind.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1122 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

((((Burnt))))

Posts: 34685 | Registered: Mar 2011
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

You handled this extremely well. Kudos to you.

Do you have a therapist of your own to talk with? As you said, this is a shocking scary thing, and you might benefit from counseling for what YOU are going through too.



Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 258 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
burnt_toast
Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Hello,

Yes, I do have a therapist but he'll be back from vacation only next week. In the meantime, I've been in contact with a very wise friend and with the suicide hotline. They provide an excellent follow-up service to relatives and it has been helpful. They reassured me I was ok to set my limits and have done the right things, just like many of you did so kindly.

Going to work felt surreal, but I managed. I need a few good nights of sleep though.

Apparently he told his two best friends about his plans yesterday and has been in contact with his therapist. So I think there is a better safety net now around him for the future.

Sadly, this only reinforces that I should keep on moving forward with the breakup. One of the reasons I left was because he expected me to be everything for him : his support network, his therapist and so on. I hope this will teach him to reach out to other people. I beleive since I went NC he saw suicide as the only way to get my attention. If he ever tries that again, I will follow the sound advice of many here and leave it directly to 911.


On another note, I hated what the therapist told me this morning whe I called her to let her know what XSO was up to. She told me he was working very hard and making enormous changes, and that I'd be welcome if I want to go back in MC. I don't want to have my emotions triggered this way as I'm working on greiving and detaching. Especially considering I've been too much of a fixer in this relationship - something I have to work on my side.

Plus, hello, if I'd return to MC, I'd be rewarding what he did this week.

Now I'm going to try to get a decent night of sleep. One day at a time is widely enough right now. Shit am I fed up with this drama overload.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 8:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

(((B_T)))

May you have a restful sleep.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51938 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

She told me he was working very had and making enormous changes, and that I'd be welcome if I want to go back in MC.
Not ok! I'm glad you are recognizing this and not letting it play to your fixer tendencies.

Hope you can get some rest tonight, bt. ((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25020 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 34