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User Topic: I can't shut off the movie in my head
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Why can't I shut off my brain....the pictures of the texts keep running through my head and then I start imagining them in bed together ( even though I have no proof he slept with her). I feel sick to my stomach from the constant thoughts of this and I can not think of anything else. When does it stop? And now I am dealing with his silent treatment again as if I am at fault for all of this


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, August 5th (Monday)

He needs to be totally transparent with his phone, computer, whereabouts, etc. If my husband EVER doubted my intentions, I would go above and beyond to prove to him that I did not (and would never) do anything to betray him!

But that's just me. I've recently learned myself that my husband and I had very different expectations and values regarding marriage.

As to HOW to turn off the mind movies?...I am still reeling from those. I've been told that the trick is to focus more on yourself and away from the situation, but it's an incredibly hard task when you have so much invested in one person.

[This message edited by ccw82 at 9:55 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 5th (Monday)

He told me I am being ridiculous wanting to monitor his phone etc. and that I should have better things to do than monitor him...he is also smart enough to delete every text ass it comes in. It is like he honestly doesn't care that I am bothered by this... I am seeing an IC Wednesday and pray she can help me see the right road and find the right words to speak to him without an angry eruption on his part and an emotional breakdown on mine. I hope you find the ability to turn off the movies in your head ccw82.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Others will be along to tell you how to stop them. Some require a rubber band snapping to the wrist.
I am here to tell you
in time
nothing will bother you in the least.

There is hope.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Thanks jjct...I guess right now I am just out of hope and dwelling on too much time!


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 5th (Monday)

just huge hugs to you. I get it

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lovelymrsm
New Member
Member # 40077
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, August 5th (Monday)

emotional girl
stay strong with your request for TT. With each of my husband's affairs I would stumble across a "clue" and confront him. He would say he wasn't and would than spend hours saying all kinds of mean things and bringing up any kind of thing he can think of to make me feel horrible. We met 24 years ago, and dated on and off, so he knows everything I have ever thought about, let alone done. A few weeks later he would confess. I think he used that time to break it off with the ows. He would say that it was over, he was sorry and he will never do it again...

this last dday that we have had we are trying Total Transparency. Some how he has realized that how he communicates with women is very wrong and has promised to clean up his behaviour.

I hope your IC can help you figure out the words to say to your husband so that he understands that his behaviour is hurting you.
BUT please learn from my mistakes. If he turns the conversation around and makes you feel like crap, that is a controlling method, so that he can hide his bad behaviour and make you feel like crap so you wont bring it up again.

Stay Strong, go with your gut, if something you see makes you hurt, then it IS WRONG. It just takes a lot for them to see it.
I hope this makes sense. I'm new to posting.


BS me 38,fWS him 40
Married 2004
4 kids S21,S7,twinsS/D4
DDay1-PA-Nov17,04 ow1 xgf
DDay2-PA-Jan07 ow2 my co-worker
DDay3-PA-Aug11 ow3 5x/2wks hooker
DDay4-E/PA-Aug13 ow4 (Jan-Apr13)
TT Aug13, working on R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thanks lovel mrsm. I know that right now I am not getting nor am I likely to get TT. I am waiting to see what the counsellor says tomorrow about how to approach him with this. God luck.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

If he's not manning up, being transparent, & certainly if he's not remorseful, you actually don't approach him.

You go the other direction: 180.
Have you studied it, considered it?
Just a reminder, as you do, remember it is about you and your healing. It is about gaining strength. It is not about getting him to see or do anything. (not a manipulative device).

I'm sorry for this hell.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
my2sons
New Member
Member # 40216
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I too have a constant "affair movie" that is difficult to turn off. Here's something that's a little crazy, but helpful for me. I read somewhere to get an old remote control, and actively use it to "turn off" the movie in your brain. Keep pushing that OFF button until the movie stops. I've done it a few times, and if I'm in the right frame of mind, it will at least put the movie on "pause" for a while. Good luck.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

(((Emotionalgirl)))

I'm so sorry, the movies really suck.

I don't have much advice, I'm a newbie myself. But, you are in no way being ridiculous needing to monitor his phone, online history, etc. This is a non-negotiable for me.

Don't let him turn it around on you. Stay strong.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

You are all so right he is not manning up nor is he being honest with me or himself (can anyone tell I woke up really angry today ). I saw the IC today she said the same thing take care of me! Thanks everyone.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
ShedSomeLight
Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

I am so sorry. "Hugs". I am having the same thing happen. I am finding that physical activity really helps. I signed up for martial arts. I am feeling empowered and it has been getting my anger out ad well as helping me sleep better. I was stalked by the woman he had an affair with, and I have an active police case. I feel I need to protect myself, but I really think that any kind of steady physical activity will help you right now. Ever walking everyday to clear your mind. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. Please send me a private message if you want to talk.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Hi Emotionalgirl, I struggled with the idea of my beautiful husband with his AP. That he willingly gave away, repeatedly something that WE promised to only give to each other. So having sex with him became almost impossible. Almost. blush:

I told Mr. Happy that my body knew his body so even though I was gutted by his betrayal we still managed to have some kind of sex. But I would cry or feel dirty afterwards. Even though they had not had sex for a year, it went on for 5 years. I found out after the PA went to a EA.

I was lamenting about this issue in a thread and PPGA send me a video that really helped with the the mind movies.

It's kinda gross so I would need to PM it to you.

But ultimately it is hilarious and really changed the mind movies to something that made me feel much better about myself. It gave me a metaphor for their lurrve that tickles me to this day.

Somehow in my head, when I found out how long his A went on, I thought that I was some horrible thing that he was escaping. That I somehow caused this breech in our marriage.

Then I started reading here on SI and went with the general consensus that it was all on him. But...I still felt bad because I though he had this fabulous love affair...then PPGA sent me this video.

It saved my sex life with him because I am not the little frog in the video. I am not some random thing to be used.

They say that the brain is your real sex organ. Switching the players in the video to Mr. Happy and his AP did the trick for me.

OH and I showed the video to Mr. Happy. I let him look at it in its entirety... then I let him in on the joke that he and his AP were really the players in the video. He went from laughing to somber in 2 sec. flat and then gave me the stink eye... That will teach him!!!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Shed some light I can not imagine having this become a stalking case. God know I would just walk away and tell her she can have him. God bless you are a better person than I am.

Getting to be happy. I would live to see that video. I think I need the laugh if nothing else. Glad you are finding some peace.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

So sorry you are hurting. The mind movies are one of the worst things in this hell hole.

I am a photographer and clearly VERY visual by nature. The mind movies were eating me alive. I have taken some things I heard here on SI and expanded and can mostly stop them now. Someone said something about "unfuck the donkey", I expanded on this and actually pictured OW's face on a fat, saggy donkey body and them having sex. It's kinda true and funny. in a desperate night, I started visualizing chickens playing baseball instead. I get VERY detailed in my visuals and it usually help.

(((HUGS)))) hope you find relief soon!


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
2004kk
New Member
Member # 40134
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I can totally relate. I see the photos that she exchanged with him and I can't stop thinking, is he thinking of her right now. I find that I try and focus on us and moving forward. I think the hardest part for me, is the wondering I do. I do find myself writing these thoughts down has helped me too. At least they are on paper and not necessarily in my head for the moment.

Stay strong and know that you have a ton of support!


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I am trying so hard to just focus on me and 180. Have decided that when he finally realizes what he stands to loose that is when I can demand full disclosure as right now he is still totally denying.... I need the facts eventually because they can not be worse than what I make up in my own brain. I do well for awhile using some of the techniques everyone has mentioned and then my brain wanders at the stupidest times and boom bad movie! Feeling angry then indifferent and just tired! Thanks everyone for your kindness.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
Juanita
New Member
Member # 39913
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 9th (Friday)

One week beyond the first anniversary of my husband's death and four and a half months after the discovery of the letters he cherished from his mistress of 15 years (probably much longer), I feel I am moored at the same degree of agony as you, emotionalgirl.
Their affair was so long and the betrayal so effective that my grieving ends up contaminated by images of the two of them: having sex in my bed or a lovely b&b, greeting each other affectionately as they rendez-vous, having dinner out together, hiking a mountain together, sailing, watching TV together.
Invariably this triggers a physical convulsion, then nausea and burning gut.
Working now with a therapist I have some hope of finding mechanisms to keep this sequence from continuing to damage me.
The heartfelt counsel from SI members led me to an instructive interview with Shirley Glass, author of,Not Just Friends. Perhaps it will help as an overview of a subject none of us wished to be studying.<http://www.psychologytoday.com/em/25300>


La Posada

"Mourning is not forgetting. It is an undoing.
Every minute tie has to be untied, and something permanent
and valuable recovered and assimilated from the knot."
- Margery Allingham


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York State
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Juanita. I appreciate tour post. I will check out the video. Thought and prayers. I can't think how hard it must be when the person you want to confront and yell at the most is no longer there. That and to have what happy memories you have contaminated and your grieving disrupted...(((hugs)))I wish you much future happiness!


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 20