I'm 6 months into R with a self-professed SA.
When I say "self professed", that's speaking of the present. He had no clue, and neither did I, that we were dealing with that on Day 1.
DDay was, like everyone's, traumatic.
Horrific. 8 years of EA and PA with several OW's (all at work)...no clue on my part.
When I would think of SA's in the past, I would think of creepy guys in trench oats. Guess what?? The men who walk out of the SA meetings (my S Anon is a few doors down, so I see this) in my area are successful, good looking, and look like the kind of guy you would take home to mom (for the most part).
My handsome, brilliant, "everyone adores" H was a disgusting reprobate who had (literally) been putting my life and family in jeopardy for years.
Fast forward, and I guess I'm doing ok. Lots of IC, MC, S Anon meetings. He's committed heavily to his recovery (meds, IC, meetings galore, agreeing to all my boundaries and needs without question, being transparent in all ways).
I was in a pit. Clawing my way out after all this happened.
I felt a divine hand on my shoulder the moment all this hit the fan. A very clear message of "This will not destroy you".
I feel like it almost did. I was putting myself in such a state...a lot of my IC focused on my anger in the early days, not just at him, but at ME for living this life that I had no clue I was living.
It's about forgiving me first.
My life is as authentic as it can be right now. I deal with everyone in my life with a LOT more implicit demands for respect for myself.
Ask yourself questions if you have been betrayed..sex addiction is more rampant than you could ever guess, and it's not as dramatic a presentation as you would think. If your H looks at porn without you, masturbates more days than not, objectifies women (in his head or out loud), has limited boundaries with women ( this is a biggie, I just thought he was enormously charming lol), has a warped use of text/email as communication style...please look into SA.
I read so many posts on here of men falling back into A, EA, PA....again and again. There is a root to these issues, always. Is it always SA? No. However, for both of you, it is a worthwhile thing to investigate.
Does my successful, handsome, well raised, charming WH fit the societal thought of what a SA looks like?
With the exception that he looks a little like David Duchovny, the answer is no.
I had a really stable childhood. I have high self esteem, had my own successful career before children, I hold advanced degrees. I'm not codependent.
There is no " typical" person in SA. SA stems from a myriad of sources...very few visible on the surface.
If you have an inkling to look into the definitions of SA, do it.
I am redefining my marriage as the wife of a recovering SA. Is that what I imagined for myself? Ummm...no.
I am realizing we don't have guarantees in life, just choices.
Here's to all of us...as we heal ourselves
xoxoI choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.
That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???