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User Topic: SA...more rampant than you think...
BFFGone
Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I'm 6 months into R with a self-professed SA.

When I say "self professed", that's speaking of the present. He had no clue, and neither did I, that we were dealing with that on Day 1.

DDay was, like everyone's, traumatic.
Horrific. 8 years of EA and PA with several OW's (all at work)...no clue on my part.

When I would think of SA's in the past, I would think of creepy guys in trench oats. Guess what?? The men who walk out of the SA meetings (my S Anon is a few doors down, so I see this) in my area are successful, good looking, and look like the kind of guy you would take home to mom (for the most part).

My handsome, brilliant, "everyone adores" H was a disgusting reprobate who had (literally) been putting my life and family in jeopardy for years.

Fast forward, and I guess I'm doing ok. Lots of IC, MC, S Anon meetings. He's committed heavily to his recovery (meds, IC, meetings galore, agreeing to all my boundaries and needs without question, being transparent in all ways).

I was in a pit. Clawing my way out after all this happened.

I felt a divine hand on my shoulder the moment all this hit the fan. A very clear message of "This will not destroy you".

I feel like it almost did. I was putting myself in such a state...a lot of my IC focused on my anger in the early days, not just at him, but at ME for living this life that I had no clue I was living.

It's about forgiving me first.

My life is as authentic as it can be right now. I deal with everyone in my life with a LOT more implicit demands for respect for myself.

Ask yourself questions if you have been betrayed..sex addiction is more rampant than you could ever guess, and it's not as dramatic a presentation as you would think. If your H looks at porn without you, masturbates more days than not, objectifies women (in his head or out loud), has limited boundaries with women ( this is a biggie, I just thought he was enormously charming lol), has a warped use of text/email as communication style...please look into SA.

I read so many posts on here of men falling back into A, EA, PA....again and again. There is a root to these issues, always. Is it always SA? No. However, for both of you, it is a worthwhile thing to investigate.

Does my successful, handsome, well raised, charming WH fit the societal thought of what a SA looks like?

With the exception that he looks a little like David Duchovny, the answer is no.

I had a really stable childhood. I have high self esteem, had my own successful career before children, I hold advanced degrees. I'm not codependent.

There is no " typical" person in SA. SA stems from a myriad of sources...very few visible on the surface.

If you have an inkling to look into the definitions of SA, do it.

I am redefining my marriage as the wife of a recovering SA. Is that what I imagined for myself? Ummm...no.

I am realizing we don't have guarantees in life, just choices.

Here's to all of us...as we heal ourselves

xoxo


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

It is so much more common than people realize. My fwh just hit his 1 year sexual sobriety date on July 31. Its a huge milestone. I had no idea for years what we were dealing with.

At times its overwhelming. But I know he wants to change. For him, for me for us. Sex addiction is so scary when you first go into it, but over time and understandi g its like any other addiction. So.ething you work at every day.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it,you can't cure it.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Well you basically just described my ws to a tee. For some reason I never thought about him being a SA. I will take a look at it...thanks for info


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3998 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Well said! My fSAWH fit that description to a T. He just received his 90 day chip. I always had the suspicion but until he was ready to get better, and own it, it was hell.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 14 and 11
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/12/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 420 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
BFFGone
Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

For my WH, his SA was a revelation.

I demanded he go into a 2 week outpatient addiction recovery program. Non specific addiction program..

He was the only sex addict in there.

So here's my Armani clad, "full of himself" WH in a program with drug addicts and alcoholics...who all looked at him as the one with the worst addiction.

To say it was a lesson he needed is an understatement.

I wish there was a forum heading, not just a link header, for SA. There are so many of us that suffer with this.

Xoxoxo


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I wish there was a forum heading, not just a link header, for SA. There are so many of us that suffer with this.

I agree completely. It's hard to follow the thread and figure out what topic is going on.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 14 and 11
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/12/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 420 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
BFFGone
Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

As crazy as it sounds....

The knowledge my WH is 100% owning his SA....everything he did to me, everything he had inside him that gave him impulses to be selfish and damaging...he owns it and understands what it did to me...that respect gives me some peace.

That, and the extensive boundary agreement. I mean....seriously long and seriously extensive.

I can live without him. I had documents for divorce drawn up. i have them filed in my office. I'm strong enough to leave, if I have to.

I don't want to.

I do love him. I don't love what he did to me, and I'm learning to separate those two and recreate a new marriage.

Not go back...because the idea of being in the marriage I had with all the lies makes me physically ill.

Recovery from SA (by both the addict and spouse)is a painful and drawn out process...but done with intent and openness....at least it's a truthful path.


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Well, I agree, of course, given my life. And our thread in ICR is hard to follow at first, but if you jump in and persist, the wisdom and support you will get is worth the headache!

As a society I think we are heading toward more trouble, not less. Kids isolate themselves on the internet anyway, and kids have 24/7 access to porn, learn to self satisfy with it, and DON'T bother, care or learn to have true intimate relationships with others. Why should they? This virtual relationship is much less messy!

SA is an intimacy disorder,all addicts LOVE their isolation and continual access to the virtual world discourages human contact.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Since this is in General, I want to chime in and let people know that there is no obligation to try and reconcile with a SA. There is no shame in calling it quits & moving on with your life. SA has a high rate of not being successfully overcome. The toll on the spouse (and children) is high and life-altering.

There is freedom in finally ending a relationship with a SA and moving on with your life. There is joy again. The sheer peace of not having to monitor or wonder is unbelievable. To finally be able to relax? Delicious!

If anyone reading my words thinks the time has come to S/D their SA, come on down to the S/D forum and let us walk you through it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Nature Girl is right. Of course, there never is any obligation to reconcile in any case and addicts bring their own set of complications.
If you have been in a relationship with an addict at any state of your life, you need, IMHO, IC. If you have been with a SA, you need specialized IC to deal with a very special kind of trauma. That is true whether you stay or not.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
BFFGone
Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Could not agree more with what is being said above ^^

IC is beyond important, it's VITAL.

Victims of (spouses of) someone's SA is TRAUMA. Blunt force, pure trauma. I am dealing with the after effects of trauma (PTSD) as best I can, and the first step is acknowledging that you have been traumatized!

SA or not, I think we are all dealing with trauma on some level. Finding an IC who deals with trauma is key.

I'm trying to R. It's a choice. Not my only one.

Through IC and lots of personal evaluation, it's the choice in making now. I'm strong enough to kick him out should he act out on his addiction, and that knowledge gives me peace.

I love him, but I love me more. I don't need him, I dont "need" anyone but me :)

Love to all!!
xoxo


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2013
BFFGone
Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Could not agree more with what is being said above ^^

IC is beyond important, it's VITAL.

Victims of (spouses of) someone's SA is TRAUMA. Blunt force, pure trauma. I am dealing with the after effects of trauma (PTSD) as best I can, and the first step is acknowledging that you have been traumatized!

SA or not, I think we are all dealing with trauma on some level. Finding an IC who deals with trauma is key.

I'm trying to R. It's a choice. Not my only one.

Through IC and lots of personal evaluation, it's the choice in making now. I'm strong enough to kick him out should he act out on his addiction, and that knowledge gives me peace.

I love him, but I love me more. I don't need him, I dont "need" anyone but me :)

Love to all!!
xoxo


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Agree with everything on this thread.

Want to add that it is important - regardless of what direction your marriage takes (because let's face it...sometimes you are at the end of your rope) it's important to take care of yourself and place your own healing at the top of the priority list. You can't control anything about the SA's recovery but you can support it.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 13