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Just Found Out
User Topic: Obvious but oblivious
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I found out about my ww emotional affair 07/21/13. I checked the cell phone bill and within a 13 day billing cycle there was over one thousand text messages.

Keep in mind she claims emotional only. I can account for most of her time but not all. Ww said it has been going on for 3 months.

She lied extensively for about a week saying they were only text friends. They work together and he is her superior.

I found through a search of her phone sexual text messages, but never any plans to meet out. She said it hadn't made it that far yet.

After a week I got full disclosure, I believe. She is very sorry, very remorseful, and we are r. She is doing everything I ask and need.

I just can't be sure of the no contact. I did not tell the om's wife yet. She doesn't want me to for fear of retaliation at work. She is unable to switch to a different area or job. Any suggestions?


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry, Smokehouse. The pain is intense and not something we should have to go through.

What I'm learning is that asking Nearly ExH things or saying things to him about the A or other cheating is that it gets me nowhere. And, he reacts by being even more sneaky.

Money doesn't matter. He will find it to benefit the A.

My first thought is to be very quiet around your WW, if you can and maybe see what else you can find. Some people put spyware on the person's computer, too, and have the ability to find things that way.

And unfortunately, if something is still going on, it will come to light in its own time. If she knows you're paying attention, it could not only push her away more, but could push her into hiding more.

I hope that full disclosure is what you really got, for it seems like a rare thing in this universe.

I don't know if it's up to her if you tell OM's wife. It seems like she has a right to know, though. And I hope the remorse you sense is real.

The coworker part worries me for your M and the situation.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Tell the OM's BW.

That is the only way to make sure the EA stops and doesn't become a PA.

Your WW was having her EA for validation.

Right now, looking at you reminds her that she is a loser. There is going to be a strong urge for her to go back to her EA for that validation to make herself feel better.

You need to tell the BW so she can confront her WH and shut down your WW's source of external validation.

Also, it is the right thing to do. You would want to be told too.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I agree the obs needs to know. I have so much more to say, but I am still reeling and can barely gather my thoughts.

Sleep comes in increments, when we r together it is easier. When we r apart I have panic attacks. I could tell when I found out on dday she was lying and it was not just a text buddy. The texting went on right in front of my face and I trusted her so much I was oblivious to it..I knew something was wrong but I believe survival instincts told me to not think the worst. During the A I was having dreams she was cheating. I would tell her about them and she would say " are you cheating, is that why u r having these dreams!"

I asked her countless times during her affair if she had anything to tell me or is something wrong. Always no, and that she loved me.

Once she really opened up after dday, she said she had been unhappy emotionally and felt detached from me. I forgot to add I work at the same place. She also had an affair with the same om before her and I. It was a PA then on two occasions.

It is hard for me to function daily. I feel like I am just existing. I believe the advice is correct to out the om to his bs.

BS - 49

WW - 33

SD - 10

Married - 7 yrs

Heartbroken since 07/21/13

The OM is known at our work as a serial cheater..


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Sending strength to you.

The healing library addresses some of these questions, check it out.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ3

Telling the OBS
- do not tell your WS ahead of time that you are going to do it.
- care and compassion (she is you in a way)
- let go of the outcome

Many BS & OBS have helped each other, so just politely give your contact # for future questions (if you feel safe about it).

I would think as her superior, the serial scumbag would be worried about consequences...I think you should find a lawyer & get a consult, for protection and advice on the work front.

Bear up brother!


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

You need to tell the OM's BW.
She needs to know what's going on in her M.

Does your work have a "no fraternization" policy?
My WW's job did, and it got her boss fired.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

There is not a no policy in place. I have made up my mind to tell the OM's wife. I have explained that previously to by WW. She is afraid of retaliation and her friends and co-workers finding out. She says the biggest reason is shame and embarrassment. I do believe that

She also says because it wasn't a PA, she doesn't want me to destroy their marriage. I too would want to know and would be very hurt if the OM had gotten caught and I wouldn't have been told. I would feel like an even bigger fool than what I do now.

I can't believe the OM has so little morals that he never considered me finding out and my reaction.

The damage is permanent and changed my view of her extensively. The trust is gone for the moment. I can forgive her because I believe the remorse is real.

I am not blaming myself, but, I know the marriage was in a bad place at the time of the EA. The majority is my fault. In 2012, there was a traumatic event that occurred in the scope of my work. It left me depressed and my marriage suffered as a result. I did see a therapist and got on meds, but, it helped little. She was great through the whole ordeal, but let it be her reasoning for the EA. She now realizes she forgot the for better or for worse part.

I am still very afraid of the other shoe dropping and finding out it was physical. I tend to believe it wasn't, due to being able to read her so well and knew she was lying about a great deal of it. I just feel lost with little direction right now.

I am very appreciative for this web site and all the responses. The healing library is great. Know that I value any input greatly.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Dday - 07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
stupidgirlme
New Member
Member # 38778
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

She is afraid of retaliation and her friends and co-workers finding out. She says the biggest reason is shame and embarrassment.
She also says because it wasn't a PA, she doesn't want me to destroy their marriage.

Well, just maybe she should have thought about all that BEFORE beginning the betrayal! My H thinks because his affair was only emotional, it's not the same. It really isn't an affair, and is certainly not as bad as a physical one. In my book, they are equally bad and there is no reason for either. Whether your marriage was not right or not, SHE is the one who made the selfish decision to hurt you with no concern for your feelings.

I would definitely let the other BS know what is happening if you are able to.

I am a little worried that since your DD was so recent, you may still not be getting the full truth just yet. Trickle Truth is a favorite way of protecting themselves, again, uncaring for the damage it does to the BS. Each time there is a set back or new info comes to light, it feels like you go back to square one and it all starts over again. The last setback I found out about I think has even put us further back than the beginning. After a year, this crap should have stopped, and it hasn't.

Just try to take it slowly and be prepared for more things to come out. Read as many things in the Healing Library that you can. Even things that you might not think apply, still can be helpful in other ways.

So sorry you are here!!


~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Thank you stupidgirlme. I appreciate the response. I can feel ur pain in ur username and ur written words.

My WW denied an emotional attachment from day one until recently. She told me the OM never called her the next day on her work phone to check on her emotional state. I could slowly see by her actions and words she was slowly realizing there was an attachment. Recently she told me she was hurt that the OM didn't call to check on her. That hurt worse in a way more than D-day.

I could never have built an emotional need with anyone because I love her so much, let alone in such a short time.

I appreciate the response and wise advice. I am cautiously proceeding. That is instinct and my built in survival mode to keep from getting blindsided again. I process all the info my WW gives me over and over again.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD- 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Hi Smokehouse
I am so sorry that you are here.
Your story resonates with me as your timeline and story is similar to mine. The best thing you can do is be easy on yourself as I am sure you are hurt and confused, your trust is shattered and your faith in yourself and wife is gone.
Tell is BS of the OM as she deserves to know. If your wife is serious about ending the EA, then she needs to have the truth out. Also HR at where your wife works needs to know and handle the situation - prevents retaliation filing if harrassment.
Your wife's loyalty should be to you and NC with the OM needs to be in place.
Take care of yourself- there are lots of good people here to support, help and guide you.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Smokehouse, gently ... I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that this has gone PA. Yes it is possible that it hadn't gotten that far yet, but it is my experience from reading here for many years that if the AP's have access to each other, there is no such thing as a long term EA. It invariably goes PA unless logistics (think long distances)requires otherwise. 3 months is a long time with them having access to each other daily. This is by no means definitive, but highly possible and if you told me the EA was 6 months, I would say it was highly likely it was a PA. Remember, cheaters lie and rarely come clean immediately.


Strength to you.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 324 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the reply circling the drain.

I definitely have it in my mind that the possibility of a PA could have happened. Lots of shopping trips on the weekends without me. New clothing, panties, looking extra good at work. The panties thing really bothered me.

There is one day in particular she was gone all day and didn't come home until right before I went to work. I work midnights. I can only go by my reads on her body language, inflections in her voice, choice of words.

As I said, they had a PA prior to our relationship. Text messages for five months prior to the PA. Lots of sexting. But, the one shopping day really sticks with me. I just don't know how to find out definitively unless it is admitted. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

There is no computer, she uses an iPad exclusively.

I base the my belief on what I described in the above paragraphs. I am very god at spotting liars and lies. Comes with my job. Probably can guess my occupation now.

If she is lying, she was able to overcome her speech, delivery, and voice inflections. I can be fooled. No doubt my love for her has somewhat blinded me and I am also scared to find out it was a PA.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

scared to find out it was a PA

Yep. Understand this. You're bargaining with it a little bit.
Each of us can only take so much at a time...

Still, your gut will force you to face it in time. I doubt it will go away.

Something that is a regular event here on SI is what we call "parking lot confession".
They frequently occur when the BS pulls up to the facility where a polygraph is scheduled...


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Thank you jjct. I see what you mean by bargaining with the info and affair. I clearly see that now.

I want to know but don't want to know. I rationalize her behavior to make it fit. That one sentence really put a lot into perspective.

So thankful for this we site and the responses. Both have helped me sort my feelings and concerns.

We schedule regular talks about the affair daily. I just hope and pray it is no more than what she has confessed to.

I want to keep going with the R. I need the whole truth though. She says she understands this now and states she has been completely honest. She still minimizes the text messages and phone conversations.


BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

So it's ok to have an A when your SO is sick and depressed?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1186 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

She doesn't want you to destroy the OM's M ???

What about her M ?

She care more about the OM and her reputation than she does you.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

My WW denied an emotional attachment from day one until recently. She told me the OM never called her the next day on her work phone to check on her emotional state. I could slowly see by her actions and words she was slowly realizing there was an attachment. Recently she told me she was hurt that the OM didn't call to check on her. That hurt worse in a way more than D-day.

Smokehouse, it wasn't attachment like love. It was an attachment to the validation. Your WW was getting ego strokes from thinking another man liked her. When he didn't call her it bruised the ego, not the heart.

Out the A to the BW and let the chips fall where they may. Let your WW put on her big girl panties and own her behavior. She needs to do that as part of her growth and change. If she can't do that, you aren't safe with her.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Tell the wife. There will be NO retaliation at work. He is her superior. Their relationship is sexual harassment. The HR department will fire him quick to protect the company if this comes out.

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2012
TryingEveryday
New Member
Member # 39429
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Smokehouse,

Dude - so so sorry that you are here and this is happening. We all feel that way because we all know the pain. Sucks worse than anything else in this world. I whole-heartedly believe that.

You have to know the whole truth. Everything. If you think she's holding out, even a little, you have to make a demand. She either gives you full disclosure or you see an attorney. Hard to do? Hell yes. But you need to for a couple of reasons:

1. You can't repair your relationship and marriage when there are half-truths and gaps. You just can't.

2. If you go on without the full truth, and find R, and THEN more comes out, where will you be? Do you really want another D-day? And then another? We all know - one is bad enough.

3. If she isn't willing to disclose all, then she isn't giving this her full effort.

4. And to be blunt - fuck her job and her humiliation. If there is retaliation at work- go legal. If she is embarrassed, she should be. If she isn't willing to endure that, will she be willing to endure the next several years of work and pain?

Trust your gut. I think you know the truth. Deal with it now.

I'm not an expert, but some things just jump out. Did you say they were physical before? I think you did - if so that takes the "likely" meter waaaaaay up.

The clothes, shopping absences, and yes, the panties, all strongly indicate a PA.

I am so sorry. The thought of my wife with another man tears me up daily. She had two one-night stands with people out of state. These people are completely out of our life and she had zero emotional attachment to them. And it still tears me up. You have to be experiencing incredible pain.

What you should be experiencing as well, though, is outrage. Lay it on the table - either she comes clean, and starts looking for another job, and ceases all contact - ALL CONTACT - with him, or it's over.

I know it's easy to say (actually, no - it sucks), but you can't have a healthy relationship in the situation you're in.

My wife is my soulmate. She is my best friend. She hurt me deeply and permenantly. I still can't imagine a life without her. But if she cheats again, that is exactly what I will have and she knows it. And she will have a life without me. That too, must be a realization for the WS.

Hang on, man. At this point, that's what you gotta do. Hang on, heal, and hopefully find peace again. Best scenario - at peace in a great marriage. Not best - at peace with yourself and your self-respect despite the loss of someone you loved and trusted.


Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 12 months and going extremely well.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Montana
kenny55
Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

So why the new panties???

Posts: 447 | Registered: Feb 2009
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Wow! I agree with all the responses. I needed to hear the possibility of it being physical from others, because I don't want it to be. She is adamant it was only emotional.

At first, she denied it was even heading that way. She said she never even considered it and only enjoyed the attention. After many talks, she came to me on her own and said she knew if it continued it definitely would have turned physical. She says she is grateful now that I caught them before it became physical.

I love the advice and today I told the OM's wife. She was devastated. Told me there have been 5 affairs that she knows of, and numerous others times she believed something was happening, but could not gain the info or proof it was going on. My WW does not know yet, but I am getting ready to tell her after this post.

I am relieved I did it and don't care what my wife thinks. I am definitely moving into the angry phase. I want my WW to know how extensive my pain is. I am deeply wounded. I have never felt like this before. My mind and body do things I have no control over.

I felt at first I just wanted revenge by telling the OM's BS. Now it feels like I rescued another human being. I hurt for her, as well as myself. Thank you to everybody and this web site for the responses and care. It has helped so much.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
circlingthedrain
Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Congrats on doing the right thing in telling the other BS.

So, it is not his first rodeo and they had a physical relationship (was it an Affair?) prior to you being in the picture. All of this points to it having gone physical.


I would suggest you sit your WW down and explain to her that you can't heal from this without the entire truth(See joseph's letter in the healing library to help you explain why this is important). Then tell her she has one chance to come clean and then you are going to schedule a polygraph to verify her story.
And then do it.

Her reaction will tell you alot. If she refuses to take the poly you can pretty much be assured she is still hiding things. She may tell you a little bit more to satisfy you that she is now being 'honest', great, but still follow through with the poly.
parking lot confessions are frequent where the WS really comes clean right before the poly.

She may try and make excuses why she should not have to take one. Not reliable, humiliating, a marriage that requires a poly is not marriage etc. It is all bullshit. She nuked your marriage and you have every right to demand what YOU need to get through this. Many, Many members here have used a poly to help them get the truth. In almost all cases, the poly results were accurate and the WS that refused to take one almost always had something more to hide.

[This message edited by circlingthedrain at 5:47 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 324 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Thanks for the reply circlingthedrain.

My wife was very upset I outed the OM to his BS. She cried and she let me hold her. It took 20 minutes before she could respond with words. She hated that I did it, but understood. That was all she could say and I let it go until today. While she was at work she texted me ans said she was sorry she shattered my trust, she wanted me to know she was so sorry, and that she loved me and stood by my decision. I think this shows true remorse but would like some feedback please.

She worried all day about retaliation or the higher ups finding out from the OM. She is afraid that he expects me to go to them, so he will do it on his own for damage control.

Tonight, we just held each other and sat quietly. She still denies it being physical and said again it was for sure on its way to that, but was stopped in time.

A couple days ago I sent texts to the OM telling him to stay completely away from her, even if it is business. I told him he could go through her immediate supervisor. He was pissed and told me to watch my threats and he couldn't promise anything. I told him it was he who better watch it.

I agree the outing will benefit the no contact. Thanks to all that have helped. I am doing better.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Ignore the AP's threats Smokehouse. He is bluffing to cover his ass.

Businesses can't tolerate his kind of behavior because it can turn in to a sexual harassment suit VERY easily. All your wife has to say is that she responded to his texts/emails because she feared losing her job if she rebuffed him. Simple as that. AP knows it too.

You did the right thing telling the BW. You did save another human being.

As far as your WW's response, it's not a bad sign. It's better than what I got from my WS: "God damn you. How could you do that? It could cost me my job!!!" Scream. Stomp. Scream.

That was all bluffing. I had told him first he needed to contact the BH and tell him and apologize and he wouldn't because of shame. His screaming was more shame. The BH didn't even work for the same company. Didn't work for a client or a competitor and the chances of them ever crossing paths was very very slim.

He has never brought it up again and never admitted I did the right thing.

So for your WW to acknowledge you did the right thing is a pretty good realization.

There will be ups and downs with your WW's behavior. Just watch and make sure the trend is towards improvement.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Thanks Josephine85. She understands, but thinks it was more for revenge. Some of it may be, but, I tend to think he needs to know other married women are off fucking limits!

What a turd to think he should not be held accountable. If that is revenge, then so be it.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

So sorry you are here. You questioned whether your ws had really spent the day shopping.... Does she use charge cards on a normal outing? Or cash ? Does she withdraw cash a day or two prior to a day spent shopping? Check your bank statement and your cc statements. It's not usual that someone can spend an entire day shopping and find nothing to buy.

Personally, I find it difficult to believe this was not a PA simply because it had been a PA some years back. It doesn't seem likely she's giving you the truth. Also, if it's only an emotional affair, why buy new undergarments?

Thank you for having the courage to talk with the OM's wife. It's sad she's aware of 5 affairs and has chosen to live with the cheating, lying jerk.

Truly, I would go to your ws's employer's HR rep and out the OM to the company. This will likely spare yet another woman and her family, especially if they terminate the OM. Also, it should protect your WS's position since he is her supervisor. Otherwise, it's not uncommon for an affair partner to find reasons to terminate their subordinate affair partner, especially now that the OM is aware you're onto him. His threats to you are idle. You are the one who has the 'power' in this situation. Use it.

Meanwhile, think about what it will take for you to live with what your WS has done. If she truly values your M, she will jump through all hoops to repair herself and repair the damage to you and your M. There's nothing worse than having the one person you love and trust with all your heart betray that love and trust. Nothing.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Oops. I intended to say it IS unusual for someone to spend an entire day shopping and find nothing to buy.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Thanks Josephine85. She understands, but thinks it was more for revenge. Some of it may be, but, I tend to think he needs to know other married women are off fucking limits!
What a turd to think he should not be held accountable. If that is revenge, then so be it.

You nailed it Smokehouse. Part of outing the AP is holding them accountable for their behavior and the consequences of it. It is also letting them know you will not be in collusion with them to keep their dirty little secret.

Lots of immoral, unethical shit goes on in "plain sight" because most people turn the other way. They don't want to be involved. But they are. By not calling the perpetrator on it, they are now in collusion with him/her.

I think if people started outing bad behavior and there was a real sense of consequences, you might see waywards think twice and not cheat. None of them are thinking of their betrayed spouse and what it would do to him/her at the time they are contemplating cheating.

But they ARE thinking of themselves and if they have seen someone else outed and shamed, they may fear that happening to them.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

She still denies it being physical and said again it was for sure on its way to that, but was stopped in time.

If I were a betting girl, I'd place a big wager on the fact that she's lying....for some very obvious (to me) and some very, very subtle reasons.

The fact that she is (most probably) lying, and you (a skilled observer) being unable to detect it.....must be a pretty unsettling feeling to have.

Have you put the notion of taking a poly on the table? If for no other reason than to gauge her reaction.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Thanks gonnabe. I agree she is still lying. It is obvious about some of the little things and quit possibly the bigger one (PA). I have not discussed a poly.

When I asked if they ever discussed meeting up she says no. When I ask why she that is, she says because we r both married. That is the worst lie I have ever heard on the fly. I could have come up with so much better.

The OM is a serial cheater. There is no way in hell he wasn't trying to get her to meet up.

Now she gets mad when I keep asking the same questions. Says she has answered them.

She has never really sat and gave me the full story. It was done over two weeks and in segments. I feel like I haven't even heard the whole thing, mainly because I let it come out in segments and jumped around from thought to thought. This also might be my reasoning for thinking she is lying. I can't seem to put it all together. When we have another day alone I'm going to have her tell it start to finish. Then I'll decide on the poly if the answers don't suffice.

I just need closure. It looks to me, reading other stories, that eventually the truth comes out, in most cases. I'm just going to keep on it till I'm satisfied and we can finally start R.

Thanks for all the responses.

BS - 49
WW- 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I wrote out a boundaries and consequences sheet tonight at work and will give it to her tonight.

I have not ever asked for the whole story on the affair, but she is going to tell me tonight start to finish.

I'm done moping around, calling her all the time, sending constant I love u texts. I realize I'm acting pathetic. No more.

Now it's time for me to feel better. Going to start IC. She doesn't want to get MC. Says we can do this on our own. I don't think so. We will see.

I need to just feel normal again or at least attempt


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Now she gets mad when I keep asking the same questions. Says she has answered them.

It's been my experience, and the experience of many others that I've read, that when this type of behavior is displayed....it's because the WS is still hiding <something>.

Discussion is good, but a written timeline is better. That way there is a hard copy for you to digest and process over time. AND with the added bonus of having it written down by her own hand so that you don't have to deal with future "That's not what I said's."

People around SI are very helpful at *tweaking* stuff, so if you want, you can post the list you wrote up and get some input (although weekends are a bit slow here, so if you decide to do that, you might want to put it into a new post asking for input)..... or just carry on with your current plan and report back later.

Good luck to you.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Smokehouse,

Here is the thing about being a freshly betrayed spouse: You can never, EVER, ask enough questions---even if they are repeated questions.

That is just the way it is. If anyone tells you differently, you can tell them to go f**k themselves.

That is the attitude that you need to take when getting to the bottom of your cheating wife's lies. You didn't ask for any of this, but being that it has now been thrust upon you---by the one that was supposed to protect you---there is no way in hell that she is going to limit her responses.

Let me take that back---she is absolutely within her rights to not answer you. It is her life, and if she chooses not to give you any answers, then that is her decision.

But that does not mean that you have to tolerate it.

Just as she is free to make her decisions, so are you. And one of the first decisions that I am sure is pounding in your head is to get the truth. As ugly as it may be, it is a whole lot better than being left more lies and deceit.

All actions have consequences....good and bad. Hold her accountable for them.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 2:56 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Hi smokehouse... I find it funny how many of these stories are similar to mine in some way... My WH has not given me the whole truth, I still get bits here and there. Doubt I will ever get the whole truth and I can not guarantee NC. Like your WS mine denies PA ( i like you tend to believe but i ave this nagging doubt) but mine can not seem to wrap his head around why I am so angry and am saying he had an EA. he lied about his whereabouts, who was texting him and put major effort into an emotional relationship with her. It has only been a week for me since D day and although I want R eventually he has to understand that this is a hurt that runs deep. My questions just like yours are part of my healing process. Our WS DO NOT get to dictate how fast or how we heal. They made their beds now they have to lie in them ALONE until we are ready to join them.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Thanks everybody. I started the 180 because I'm not getting the response I want. I didn't want to do it, but, I was so pathetic, I realized it is what I needed to do.

I was constantly apologizing for our bad marriage, for he way I treated her, for our constant strife in the marriage.

For now, she is ignoring me, I hope she sees I am looking out for myself. I want R, but, need all the answers. After weeks of lies and gas lighting, I am exhausted. I am so angry at her I could divorce her right now, but, I still love her more than anything.

I believe she is still deep in the fog and needs time to come out of it. I hope this works and we can work it out.

I want to be with her and have the loving relationship I know we can have. I am aware of what I was doing wrong in the marriage and need to correct it. I am eyes wide open and see things clearly like never before. Hope it isn't too late, but, if it is, I am ready for that too.

This web site and the people are amazing. Thanks for the direction, I truly am grateful and humbled by everybody's help and wisdom.

BS -49
WW -33
SD-10
Heartbroken -07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

The heart and soul of the 180 is to get
"I hope she sees"
out of your mind.

Understand, I hope she sees too, but you're so focused on you, she will need to bring a brass band of remorse to the party to get your attention right now.

I want to be with her and have the loving relationship I know we can have.

Of course. Normal.
BUT
The 180 turns this around and self-talk becomes;
"I want to be with me, and have the loving relationship with myself that I know I can have."

Are you seeing this little turn around trick of the mind?

I am aware of what I was doing wrong in the marriage and need to correct it. I am eyes wide open and see things clearly like never before.

This is all good for your self growth, your self improvement going forward.
Nothing like a bomb going off in our lives to make us reflective, right?
BUT
Not only are you new,
the M you have going forward will be too IF. (the brass band plays)

Looking back on the old M is good - when you seek to correct your mistakes. That's good. Shows ability to introspect,
self-correct. Helluva deserving dudes and dudettes do that.
Pat yourself on the back.
BUT
Going forward is not to get stuck in maudlin longing for the past, for "what we had".
People get stuck in re-creating and re-doing stuff then.
I say no.
Better to imagine your old M is dead. Is it not? The betrayer killed it. It's dead, jim.

Want a new M?
Let me hear the brass band.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

No, I didn't see it jjct. You are right. How did I not see it. Because I am still holding on. It is now clear. I should be doing this for myself, but it is so hard. God, you r right. How could I not see this.

I feel so stupid. I am so hurt, and my love for her s so strong I am jaded. How can I correct myself? Tomorrow I will post the boundaries and consequences I wrote to her.

I will stick by these, I will hold her to these. I am so new at this I can't find my way. Thanks for the help.

I feel so stupid. It has been two weeks since any physical contact. Despite my age, I am very much a loving, physical person. I just don't know now if I can. I want too, but can't bring myself to complete the act. I want her, but think about her being with the OM. I have no direction at this time.

BS -49
WW -33
SD -10
Heartbroken -07/21/13


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I feel so stupid

Quite simply....DON'T. There is no dishonor or stupidity in loving and trusting your spouse. That *shame* is on her.

As for the *physical* stuff...YOU have nothing to *prove* here. The fact that having sex with your WW is unpalatable to you right now is completely normal. 'Sloppy seconds' and all, right?

Don't be so hard on yourself.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Sometimes I just get so sad that the coworker thing comes up far too often. Are we all so wrapped up in life that we forget we are married??????


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 39