User Topic: figured something out today
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I keep reading on SI about the why and how's of our ws. I've been trying to figure him out for a long time. Focusing on him and avoiding myself. This isn't about him anymore. He cheated, he continues to, end of story. It doesn't matter why or how, he just did.
What I need to figure out is why me, myself, and I let it continue. Why I allow my ws to disrespect me. Why I pretend to believe his bullshit. Why I can't be honest with myself. He can only stay if I let him and I have. I'm afraid to kick him out, afraid not to kick him out etc. I need to get to the nitty gritty of my fear and exactly what I'm afraid of. So he's here for now and I'm going to try my hardest to focus on myself and not wasting my time seeing what he's up to. He's betrayed me, he's lied to me, he's confided and been intimate with ow while turning a cold shoulder to me. I need to see why I'm not freaking out and demanding he stop or leave. I need to understand why I accept this and still take care of his daily needs...dinner, laundry, an ear when's he's griping about work. Hopefully I'll figure out why I don't think I deserve better. He doesn't deserve my fretting over his shady life. No longer a marriage issue, its a personal one. Wish me luck on my journey to see who I really am because I don't know anymore.. FTG!!!!
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I think you're getting somewhere Ostrich. Start small, like by not doing his laundry, cooking him dinner, etc.

Are you in IC?

Wishing you luck and many more steps forward!

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38093 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Good luck, O.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8089 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Yes! You. You you you. It is about you now and what you'll accept. Good work. Keep it up.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Yes keep the focus on YOU Ostrich! Good luck

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

That's a huge first step Ostrich!!

I've just reached that step too. IC and many books later have helped me reach it. It's a painful mirror that IC holds up in front of me at times but oh what I am learning...about myself!

And while I'm crying while I write this because of more bulls*&t that went on today, I know that I need to continue on this path.

Keep that focus on yourself! I'm so happy for you

Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thanks you guys. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I could havea masters degree by now with all the time I've spent obsessing over him. I think I was a way for me to stay in denial and not move forward.
I was in IC but bailed when the hard questions came...about me
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

You're at the start of some great stuff here, Ostrich. Finally a place to invest your attention that will pay off in spades.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25777 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Yay Ostrich!!! I am so happy for you! This is good stuff and I sense, very different from when you would post that you were getting your ducks in a row. I sense a change!

I understand where you have been. Focusing on him and what he is up to is the fastest way to not look at YOU. Huge step! I look forward to more posts from you about your journey! Good luck!!

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

It's been a struggle for me to get to this point as well.
Everyone here says "concentrate on yourself" and I would try. I really would! But so many days I didn't even have the energy to get up and cook a meal, much less do something nice for myself.
Then, suddenly I realized that the majority of "concentrating on myself" was in my thinking.
While I was thinking my "what ifs", I was thinking them of HIM.
What if he changed this, what if he changed that, what if he hadn't slept with her, what if he hadn't told her he loved her. (gag)
At some point it truly dawned on me that "concentrate on yourself" could simply start with the "what if" being about ME.
What if I filed for divorce?
What if I bought a little house with a garden?
What if I saved some money and traveled like I'd always dreamed?
What if I got my hair cut and a pedicure and some new clothes?
What if I just worry about MY shit for today.
What if I don't think about him and HIS PROBLEMS today.
I began to separate my problems from his and to understand that this marriage cannot be worked on right now. Period.
Play the what if game for yourself. Even if it's just a wild daydream that may never happen (one of mine was a deep, emotional conversation with Jonny Depp-hey, he's single!)...give yourself permission to think about yourself.
I did, and it's truly changed my focus.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Ostrich, I could have written most of your post myself! I've lately been wondering the same things about myself and my sitch. I realized a few weeks ago the amount of time I've spent (wasted!) trying to figure him out and trying to help him. I am on the same search as you now, if you have any insight I hope you'll post it. ((((Ostrich)))) Wishing you the best and I hope you will find the answers you're seeking.

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"

Posts: 9756 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 11