SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Its official. I hate her.
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Sad  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

My mom missed my daughter's 1st birthday on Saturday. And, she has now sent me an email saying the following:

Since I have been permanently thrown off the island, I guess now is the time to pay me back for my $ 950.00. It's been over a year and if I am now not a part of the family, I would like to have my money.
Please don't make me go thru the court system, you already hate me enough.
Mom

I told her 2 months ago that I would give her some more money when I get my taxes back. I paid her back the $600 I owed her the last time I got my taxes back from when she helped me with my deposits on my apartment when I was pregnant and needed help. Then, my sister thought it was a bright idea to let her pay the discounted birth bill for Piper because I got a discount for paying it early. I wish I had gone through the hospital instead. I voiced this concern to my sister at the time too. I knew this would happen.

I've never asked my mom for help my entire life...until these 2 times.... and I guess if she has to take me to court...so be it. I don't have it. Period. And, I've told her that. I'm a single mom struggling to do this all by myself getting a measley $65 a month from the "supposedly" unemployed sperm donor....I had to sell things on Ebay this last week just to make ends meet after paying for Piper's birthday party!

I hate her.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:24 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

(((shelly))) yikes! The dysfunction continues, I guess that isn't a surprise but it really, really sucks!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3081 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Curious, why does she think she's been "thrown off the island"?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13679 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Curious, why does she think she's been "thrown off the island"?

Probably because when she purposely turned her cell phone off on my sister and avoided her phone calls to come pick her up for Piper's birthday party, my sister left her a few choice voicemails in response.... (not that she didn't deserve them!) I never said a word. She wasn't worth my anger or my breath.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

It's a manipulative ploy. I wouldn't even respond. Let her take you to small claims if being a bitch is that important to her.

Posts: 3334 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Shelly--tell her to take her story to court. That you'd LOVE to hear her tell a judge what kind of mother she's been and how she's trying to blackmail you, a single mother who gets no support from your baby's SD, who works HARD to meet your responsibilities as a mother and citizen, who WORKS for a living and doesn't ask for help despite limited resources, for a freaking $950.00. And tell her you will be sure to invite your dad, your sister and every single one of the people who love and support you so they can hear it too.

Tell her to bring it on.
I swear, sweetie--if you lived closer to me I would adopt you and Piper myself. I always wanted another daughter!

Hang in there, you poor baby. What she does and what she says is absolutely NO reflection on you!

(((((Shellybeanz)))))


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2105 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

What a sad excuse for a mother... keep your chin up!

((Shelly))


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 801 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Wow, just WOW. I am speechless, and soooooooooo incredibly sorry, Shelly.

Taking her DAUGHTER to court for less than $1,000?

WOW.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2451 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I swear, sweetie--if you lived closer to me I would adopt you and Piper myself. I always wanted another daughter!

I might move closer to you! LOL! I would kill to have a REAL mother ....and a real grandmother for my daughter. My mother is a poor excuse for a human being....

Some people have no soul.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

However hard and hurtful her behavior at the weekend was... Maybe it is a blessing in disguise.

She sounds horrendously toxic and mean. Not really the kind person Piper needs in her life.

She has opted out.... It truly sounds like that may be the very best thing
For you all.

Imagine if she was living with you or popping in every day... Imagine that toxicity every day ......

It really sounds like you will be better without her.

As for the money.... WOW!!!!

I would go NC. It sounds like an empty threat to me.

Did she put in writing to you that it was a loan???

If not I think it would legally be considered a gift.

Hugs to you and Piper.



Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry that you don't have a proper mom for you and grandma for your daughter. I'm not a grandma yet but I can't imagine missing a grandbaby's birthday.

hugs


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Shelly,

Seriously. Why not just cut her out of your life?

Just because she is your manipulative, vindictive, crazy mother doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her. Of any kind.

People do "disown" their parents.

At any rate, step away from the crazy


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1118 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Let her take you to court. They have this thing called a payment plan. I would not respond to her. Just ignore her!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4744 | Registered: Feb 2008
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I agree with cutting her out of your life. She is toxic and harmful to your heart. Everything that comes out of her mouth (or in writing) wears you down further. That toxicity will only trickle down to Piper, and you do not want that.

I'd ignore her stupid blackmail. Let her threaten. She is no mother. Anyone who would take her daughter to court for something like that, is NO MOTHER. Imagine you treating Piper that way?! No, you never would.

I'm so, so sorry, Shelly. I can't even imagine the pain you are experiencing. ((((hugs))))


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry She11y ! Some people don't deserve to be a parent or grandparent.
Time to take another toxic person out of your life. Keep her arms length and never close enough to ever hurt you or Piper again.Yeah,I adopt kids and grandkids too. There's millions of us out there.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a chance to be happy again.

Posts: 20356 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I can't imagine missing a grandbaby's birthday.

I can't either....and I can promise you that if and when my daughter has children of her own.... I will be an awesome grandmother!!



"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

SB,
The door is always open and the Midwest is a great place to raise a family. Slight warning:
You would be exchanging one kind of crazy for another. However, our kind of crazy comes with unconditional love and support, never, EVER missing a birthday or any other reason to celebrate and a whole lot of bad shit for anyone who dares to hurt one of "ours." The women in my family are downright scary when that happens but we can't help it. Sicilian ancestors --what are you gonna do??


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2105 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

My mom used to behave the exact same way. My only advice is DO NOT ENGAGE - not one bit. Do not reply, nothing. It's like a toddler, they want attention, even if it's negative attention.

If you want to, and are able to, send her $20 per month, but keep copies of the checks(or money orders) and the repayments. Maybe write "Balance now due - $930" on the memo line. (Or don't) I wouldn't acknowledge anything she's said in any other way. Then when you do get your tax refund send her the balance with a memo showing "Balance now due: -0-" and leave it at that.

Do not give her any other emotional energy.

((Shelly)) I KNOW how hard this is - you've dealt with this disapproval and anger your entire life, I did the same. You have to turn it around now, and take back your power - she does not get to manipulate and control you with her anger - not any more. It's not easy and it takes practice, but it gets easier.

Weirdly enough, XWH is the one who helped me learn to set the appropriate boundaries with my mother. Crazy huh?


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

It's a manipulative ploy. I wouldn't even respond. Let her take you to small claims if being a bitch is that important to her.

BINGO


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19714 | Registered: Aug 2006
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

NC (but you know that).

Pay her back on the schedule you promised.

Let her "take you to court." Seriously, if there isn't anything in writing about it being a loan only, it's going to be judged a gift, and then your tool of a mother will have wasted time and money on small claims court. I doubt that you will even need to spend any money on a lawyer or legal advice. Take your documentation if it gets to court.

I'm sorry your mom is such a loser. *You* are clearly an awesome mom!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 853 | Registered: Sep 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Sorry, but I disagree on just ignoring this. I would ignore the emotional outburst, but I wouldn't ignore the loan. You do owe her the money after all, right?

I'm not an attorney and this is not legal advice, but in what I've seen and heard, courts tend to be most gracious if a good faith effort is being made to do the right thing. For you, I would think that would mean responding to your mom with plans of when and how you are able to repay her (even if it's $50 a month for the next 2 years, compounding for interest), and then following through.

If you ignore her, who knows what a judge would think.

ETA: My response to her would look something like this:
Mother,
You were missed at Piper's birthday party. I understand your need to have the money you loaned me on xxx-date returned. Unfortunately, as this is the first discussion we have had regarding the repayment terms of the loan, at this time I don't have the funds to repay it in a lump sum. My budget does allow me to pay you $50 a month. I will send a check today and one on the first of each month following until the loan is repaid.
Shelly.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 11:47 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13679 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I have no intentions of ignoring her on paying her back. This was not a loan in writing and we did not have any set time frame on when she was to get the money back. I told her back in June that I would pay her some more money on that bill when I got my taxes back this next time...so I guess in February? She agreed to this in an email and told me that was fine and she didn't need the money right now and she knew I would pay her back so she wasn't worried about it. I plan on sticking to my word. I'm not going to NOT pay her back. I'm good for what I owe her. She just has to wait until I can afford to do it. I've been completely forthcoming on my financial situation and when I would pay her back. I haven't been avoiding her or anything and I made good on the $600 deposit that I owed her and paid her that back when I got my taxes back this last time. I just couldn't do it all at one time. Its just me and my tax money gets spread throughout the year on baby clothes and other necessities. (And to be honest.....I don't even have $50 a month right now...I have other medical bills that have been sitting forever that I'm trying to figure out how to pay and I have had to sell things on Ebay just to make ends meet) I'm struggling. And, she knows that.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Oh, if you have an agreement in writing (email) I'd sent her a polite, professional response, something like, "per our agreement on xxx-date, I will repay the loan when I get my tax return in 2014"


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13679 | Registered: Jul 2011
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Sorry, but I disagree on just ignoring this. I would ignore the emotional outburst, but I wouldn't ignore the loan. You do owe her the money after all, right?

If it was a loan, and not a gift she is trying to recollect on, yeah she should pay her, and small claims would tell her so and help set up a payment plan, so she wouldn't just be ignoring the debt. It still sounds like mommy dearest is trying to change the terms of the loan out of spite. I don't believe that deserves an acknowledgement, certainly not a nice one aimed at keeping the peace.

Maybe talk to HR about changing your withholding so you don't have to wait for a tax return. I'm sure someone smarter than me can help you with the math. Then send her the extra money with the memo line reflecting balance due as persevere suggested. If you are making even $20/month payments she is probably going to have a hard time getting this through small claims.


Posts: 3334 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I'm at the point now where I'm not going to say anything else to her. If she takes me to court, fine. I will take our agreed upon email to court showing the judge where she agreed to waiting for my tax return and when they order me to pay her, I will then set up the minimum monthly payments allowed by the court stating that I cannot do a lump sum and DRAG it out.

I will not let her bully me. This is a tactic my XWH did to me during the D and after we got divorced....and I do NOT respond well to being bullied.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

My response would have nothing to do with "keeping the peace" (I'm not sure what peace currently exists to keep, but hey, semantics) - it would be to CYA legally.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13679 | Registered: Jul 2011
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

If your relationship with your mother is stressed and difficult why borrow money? That strains even the most stable relationships. Every purchase can be a reason for resentment. Honestly if I owed someone money a party for a one year old is not something I'd be spending on especially if things were tight.

There's so much you can do for nothing that are special. Year old parties are more for others anyway.

Pay her as much as you can then never borrow another cent. No reason to hate her. You invited her in with the debt. That's a tie that was wholly unnecessary.

Your sister makes your financial decisions? That's something I'd stop as well. Other's intimate knowledge of my life regardless of affiliation.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Things weren't strained with us this badly when I borrowed the money for the medical bill. My sister doesn't make my financial decisions for me, she just thought she was helping because it discounted the bill if I paid it early. She doesn't have a say in my other finances.

The party I had for my daughter was cheap. I had it at a park and paid for decorations by going to the dollar store. Hardly a blow-out shindig. I just wanted to do something fun with my friends and family to celebrate. That's all. We don't get to do a whole lot.

I don't intend on ever borrowing anything from her again. I haven't borrowed money from her in the 34 years I have been on this planet until now. Lesson learned. The hard way I guess.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

If I were to have a response, it would be something along the lines of; I don't think the selection committe for Mother Of The Year will accept your nomination if you're taking a child to court to repay a loan that has a payment agreement arranged for 2014. I guess I'll rescind the nomination.

Hugs Shelly please keep piper away from her. It will only mess with her head.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5013 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Thank you Kajem....I agree.

I told my mom BEFORE she ever paid that bill for me that I had no idea when I would have the money to pay her back but that I promised I would. Then, I committed to paying her back that bill when I got my taxes back because I paid her back the $600 I owed her this year on my taxes. There was never a written agreement in place. There wasn't even a timeline until I made one! I am making good on my promises and despite if she and I ever speak again....she will get her money as promised.

She is only doing this to be mean and spiteful. She wants to hurt me. Mission accomplished.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:33 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I wouldn't respond - I would try to end this debt ASAP by repaying her. Is there someone else who can lend you the money to repay her then you repay them on the plan you had with your mum?

Ignore her tantrum. Let her take it to court.

She is entitled to behave in any way she sees fit. She is entitled to be a giant sack of shit and use this debt against you.

You've learned an important lesson here - you cannot trust her - you cannot rely on her.

She doesn't give a flying fuck about you or your daughter.

Once you repay her this you never have any further interaction with her.

This isn't about the $950 - it is a lot of money and perhaps she is concerned that you have no intention of repaying it but that is not what her text screams out to me.

It screams of power, control and vindictiveness.

What an ugly, ugly person she is. Yuck.

I hope you've had enough of this now. Find your anger and NC the bitch.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:26 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 31