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User Topic: rough day
lucy17
Member
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Today is a rough day. I couldn't sleep last night--too much of them in my thoughts. So I've just been writing and writing. I don't know if it helps.
Confusing sorrow with sleep
Restless minutes tick by
Like slowly prodding nails
In her soul.

They build themselves a little world.
Existed on another plane.
Floated on a bubble of happiness.
A perfect sphere of love and lust.
I didn't knock on their bubble.
I didn't pull on the string.
I didn't see it at all.
But someone did.
Someone did.
What if someone didn't?

"I want her so much
my blood boils.
I've never felt like this.
It's good. Oh so good.
Don't worry.
You don't exist where I want her.
You don't exist at all."

The words he said on Sunday:
I'm sorry, it's over
I love her
If only
Are different than the words he said on Monday:
I'm sorry, it's over
I love you
If only
One small change
One word
One inflection
Do I believe Sunday or Monday
Because both lay me bare and sliced through.

I will cry and I will rage
But I will never be the same
That's okay
You didn't love the old me
"Our love has lessened," you said.
"It has?" I whisper.
That's not my reality.
If we don't share reality
How do we share a life?

I'm scarred.
Can you see my scars?
So many (I love her) so deep (if only).
They'll never heal.
Sometimes they glow
With ferocious luminosity.

I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired
But he feels only lust for his mouth on her breast.
I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired
But he feels only joy when he sees her smile.
I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired
But he can only admire her intelligence and style.
I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired.
But he never will.
An I hate him for it.

"She changed me."
She doesn't get to change you
But she did
And in doing so changed me
The new me sucks
Blubbering idiot
Sleeping on concrete
Existing on coffee.

Victim.
I will never be a victim.
But I am.
A victim of your choice.
Why do you have this power?
Who gave it to you?

I'm waiting, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Riding on this train I can't fathom getting off.
But I will.
I will.
My foot is at the door.
My gaze goes to the windows
I wonder if there is more.


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 34
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 13 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

((((lucy17))))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51511 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

there is more. so much more


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Lucy17
It is hard to imagine before the DDay that the pain could be this intense, so devastating and so relentless!! Sleep is so elusive. I can be exhausted, sleep for 2 hours and wake up, just to have all these crazy realities come crashing back.
One thing I have noticed, is that on the nights I do sleep ~5-6 hours, I am stronger. Go to your doctor for something to help you sleep or try melatonin 3mg from the Heath food store. It helps.
And sleep on the couch, if necessary.
You are not alone. It is all of us with a conscience and a heart that cannot sleep...



Married 20 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 4