SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: How long does this roller coaster ride last?
IslandGirl18
Member
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Some days I am ok. I don't think I will ever be the person I was before he betrayed me. I sure do miss her, the old me. I hate the word affair btw. Anyway, some days I really wish I left him. I want to be divorced. I hate my life. But more than anything....I hate that I love him. I hate that I have compromised a value I held dear by staying with this man who made solemn vows to me.

Honestly, I don't know if I can get past the deception. I don't know if I will ever trust him. When he asks me what my days will be like, I immediately wonder if it is because he wants to make sure I am busy so he can cheat? Even though I believe their thing is definitely over.

Then we are together and I am fine. I'm not 100% but I am light years from where I was with DDay.

I have worked so hard on this marriage. I am exhausted. I just don't know if it is worth it.

When does it stop? When do the mind movies end? When do the triggers end? When will I live a day where it never crosses my mind?

Sometimes I will be out and I will watch other people. They laugh, smile, talk with their companions. I feel like I have a scarlet letter and everyone who looks at me sees me as a worthless woman. Unlovable, her husband lied and cheated on her. She is damaged goods.

I envy other couples. I know all relationships have issues, but I don't think I can get passed this. No matter how hard I try.

Does anyone feel this way?


me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012

Divorced


Posts: 103 | Registered: Sep 2012
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

You are only a short time out from discovery. The rollercoaster will get less bumpy as time goes by.

The best advice I can give you from where I'm at, is to ask. Ask any question you have. Holding it in will only harm you. He isn't aware of your feelings.

You said you are believe their thing is over. Do you really? Maybe tell him you would like to meed him for lunch or something. See his reaction.

I know what you mean. Your H betrayed and now you feel like you are betraying yourself. That for me is one of the hardest things as a BS to work on. I always said I would leave if he cheated. I am still here. I constantly remind myself that in my vows nowhere did it say I would leave if he cheated. I believe in my vows even if he broke his.
Loving him in sickness and health is part of the vow. I am sure when a spouse cheats he or she is sick in all the ways possible. Mind, body, heart, and soul.

Mind movies - I have to turn off. If we're doingsomething and I start to picture them doing it I mentally tell myself to turn it off. TIme will help fade the movies. Triggers may not be as often but I fell that there will always be some.

This still may be a deal breaker for you. It is hard to deal with when you compromise your values. Have you gone to IC? It really does help.

You said you have worked hard on the M. What had he done? Does he do everything you ask to help you heal? The WS participation is crucial to healing a BS and broken M.
I can only answer for me, but I also fell the same way you do.

(((HUGS)))


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

((((HUGS)))))))

I could write your post most days. Our Dday's (initial ones anyways) are similar.

I seem to have 3 "me's" during this time period. The predominant me is the one you described. Most days, I think I just can't do this. It feels like too much damage has been done and I *WON'T* get over it. Somehow I keep telling myself it takes TIME and consistent actions from WH. He has just recently *REALLY* began to get it, sorta getting it since March. That's how I get by. On the hope that people are right, it does just take time.

Then there is the me that thinks MAYBE we can do this.

Then there is the me that KNOWS we can. Sadly, this one is brief and the least common "me" I have.

Just keep swimming.... (if your WH is doing what you need anyways)


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

1yr out, and I'm still on the roller coaster, but it is much more subtle now.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 8th (Thursday)


..

When do the mind movies end? When do the triggers end? When will I live a day where it never crosses my mind?

..4+ years out and still struggling with the knowledge that 40 years of my life was based on a total lie, by my gf/wife and my best friend..

..it is simply incomprehensible

..

I have worked so hard on this marriage. I am exhausted.

..we are never the same people again..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Baldeagle
New Member
Member # 40194
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I find myself ready to rage out while doing simple task because it eats at me constantly. I have to actively restrain myself around others. Hurts so bad even a year later.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

(((IslandGirl18)))

Feeling the same here.

Really identified with sodamnlost's post, can't really add anything to that.

I am a completely different person. I used to have a constant smile, now I'm a constant zombie.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:17 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

OMG Islandgirl, I could have written this post, it's all that I question and wonder about.

Some days I am ok. I don't think I will ever be the person I was before he betrayed me. I sure do miss her, the old me. I hate the word affair btw. Anyway, some days I really wish I left him. I want to be divorced. I hate my life. But more than anything....I hate that I love him. I hate that I have compromised a value I held dear by staying with this man who made solemn vows to me.

Yes, yes and soooo yes. Especially the compromised value thing


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
EchoLawrence
New Member
Member # 40204
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Oh, yes. What I really miss is the old 'Us'. Everyone I knew was jealous of our relationship, like everybody had issues with their SO's but us. We used to talk about how lucky we were to find each other so early in life. "We're so fortunate we got to grow up together, and now we'll grow old together."

I really miss that innocence. Some days I can't bear it.

[This message edited by EchoLawrence at 5:47 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Me: BGF 25yo
Him: fWBF
Together 9yrs
Online EA, then after Dday, became PA. A has ended and we are in R.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: All Over The World
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Well describe and accurate after my first year...it gets better slowly...I am at year 4. The second year is more focused on finding yourself and less on the A itself and less on him...the other stuff ...the anxiety, th triggers,the regret, the resentment, are stiil there but they don pop up as much...I think you will soon find that your own preservation revolves around getting to know the new stronger you.

Yes it is exhausting, but like all rides, it slows down before it stops.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
CatchyUsername
Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I too could have written your post. I am only 3 months into this and I am EXHAUSTED.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
IslandGirl18
Member
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I sincerely appreciate the replies from everyone. Sadly, they make me feel better. Well, maybe not better because of why we are here. I don't feel so alone. I am grateful for that. I do go to IC. I went today. It helps me. My therapist says its a long road. Ugh. I told WH that I wanted to talk tonight. He was all for it. But I just don't feel like it now. I'm too tired. I don't want to hear anything from him.

Thank you my SI friends. You help me so much.


me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012

Divorced


Posts: 103 | Registered: Sep 2012
SmallButStrong
Member
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Amazing, I have a similar D-Day and feeling the same way. Some days I'm SO positive and *almost* grateful for the opportunity to become better. Then I still have days where I am filled with anger and rage and scream in the car while pounding the dashboard. Most days are somewhere in between - which I call my "apathetic" days. I feel like we'll be fine, but I'm just sad and still angry. I feel like I keep my H at an arm's length these days because I feel so vulnerable when I open up and let the "good" flow in.

The crazy thing is that we are all supposed to "fix" our marriages now, but who wants to meet the WS' needs at a time like this? We need to take care of ourselves.

As my H says: he was unhappy before the affair, unhappy during, and now he just wants to be happy. Well, that's great for him! How am I supposed to make him happy now when I WAS HAPPY before all this and now I'm in the darkest place of my life.

The aftermath is such a battle because the BS and WS are at such a different place in their heads.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 9th (Friday)

As my H says: he was unhappy before the affair, unhappy during, and now he just wants to be happy. Well, that's great for him! How am I supposed to make him happy now when I WAS HAPPY before all this and now I'm in the darkest place of my life.

The aftermath is such a battle because the BS and WS are at such a different place in their heads.

I think this is the hardest part of R for me. My WH says the same "just wants to be happy" in the meantime I feel gutted. How do you feel happy when you are gutted?


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Phoenix9572
Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, August 9th (Friday)

IslandGirl - you are so not alone. I struggle daily with all the issues you described. There are days were my WH is kind and loving and I start to believe its true because I want so desperately to believe his actions and words are true. Then a trigger will fire and it all comes crashing down like waves pulling me under.

I know I'm fighting depression through all of this to the point I'm thinking about medication. I'm tired of questioning everything and snooping around to double check that what he says is not another lie. I don't want to live my life like this forever. I just want to feel like someone loves me truly and honestly. No games, no lies, no deception. I just want to feel safe again.

I used to also say that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I've learned that you really never know where your line in the sand is until you are faced with that dilemma. Even now I wonder how much more I would take and still stay by my vows and keep my self respect. I can tell you that the line has moved much further way than when I first made that promise to myself. It's difficult to reconcile things when you feel you have compromised your core beliefs.

Crazyblindsided:

I am a completely different person. I used to have a constant smile, now I'm a constant zombie.
I've learned the art of hiding everything behind the "smile". However, if you know me, the light in my eyes is gone. I feel like an empty shell these days.

now I'm in the darkest place of my life.
I said these exact words to my WH this morning. However, I'm holding on the belief that like my user name, I will rise from the ashes and be stronger than I ever was before. There will be things I miss about my old self but as many people have pointed out on other boards - now is the time to focus on me and help make me the person I need to be for myself.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I have the same feelings.

I definitely do not feel like the same person. The conflict in me is that is a good thing, I am stronger and more self aware than ever, the bad thing is I am not the good things anymore either. I feel either flat or so sad, I never feel free from the pain.

It is like a heavy burden that I can never put down no matter what I am doing. My joy is gone. My trust is gone. My belief in love is gone.

Everything just feels empty, not worth it.

I feel like I am betraying myself now.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

Does anyone feel this way?

100% I could have written your post and I totally identify with what sodamnlost said too.

I wrote a post a little while ago: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500750&AP=1 and I STILL kinda feel like that!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
Indecisiveme
New Member
Member # 40263
Frustrated  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I am new to SI, but it is very comforting to see that others are feeling the same way that I do. My 1 year antiversary of DD will be Aug. 30th.
I hate how much I have changed. I miss the old, happy me. Mostly, I hate that I have lost my patience. I get angry over minor things that wouldn't have bothered me pre-A.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 12th (Monday)

It helps a great deal to know that so many of you are facing the exact same emotional rollercoaster. I, too, am just EXHAUSTED. Hurting from the emotional whiplash. One moment, I am empowered, the next I am weak and gutless. Still trying to find "me". The new "me" -- I know the old "me" has died a miserable death and is never coming back.

I grieve the wonderful family relationships we had with our kids. I feel like so much of my life's "work" to raise happy, well-adjusted kids was all in vain. Their suffering is unbearable to watch. Harder because even they want different outcomes - R vs D. Any road we travel brings additional hurt, it seems.

This weekend marked 6 months since Dday. I was hoping for more clarity, more healing, more peace by this point. It just takes longer than any of us conceive that it will. The damage done to us is very, very deep. It seems the WS's often don't "get" that. But all the BS's sure do. That is why I am SO grateful to have found this website recently.

(((IslandGirl))), I could have written every single word of your post. Wishing us all healing.... (((BS's)))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 657 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
HopefullyLost09
New Member
Member # 40252
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I am new here and have never posted until now. I have just post stalking I guess you could say, lol. But this post spoke to me a lot. I am only a month (exactly today) from D-day so my rollercoaster, movie reel, etc is SUPER fresh. SIGH. I am giving a shot at quoting some of the thing that spoke to me in this thread below

I hate that I love him. I hate that I have compromised a value I held dear by staying with this man who made solemn vows to me.

This was all I could think especially in the beginning, I hate that I love him. I despise that he broke the vows he made to me, that I made to him and truly believed it and thought he did the same. It was always a deal breaker, and I guess I have learned now that things aren't so black and white.

I don't think I will ever be the person I was before he betrayed me

Another realization I had SUPER early on. I don't even know yet all the ways in which this will change me. I am scared my husband will like this new person, or more importantly that I will.

Everyone I knew was jealous of our relationship, like everybody had issues with their SO's but us

This has been a big one for me. People truly always did look at us differently, as the example, etc. I really did set our relationship apart from others. I guess I was living in a dream world. I guess I was gullible... Am I being gullible again now? These are the things I struggle with currently. I feel trashy, things feel tainted... Everything looks different.

I should end this with that I am overall positive and hopeful and in a good place. But there are definitely many triggers and hard times, and those hard times are REALLY hard. But we have good times too, and I truly can see our bright future together, but not quite like before. Through different eyes now. Perhaps more mature or awakened eyes...

Shrug


Me: BS - 26
Him: WS - 26
3 kids: 6, 3, and 1
D-Day - 07/12/13
R-Day - 07/22/13

One day, one emotion at a time... Together.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 20