SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Stuck on suspecting a lie
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

My WS has done good lately in confessing a lot of lies. He did a timeline, which I know was hard. But there is one thing that I'm just convinced that he's still lying about. He swears that he's telling the truth. He says that he understands why I question the truth, because I believed all his other lies in past. I want to believe him.. but I don't. And it's causing problems because I'm angry that I feel like he's still lying.

It's over something stupid too. After Dday, I was posting on another forum for advice. Everyone was telling me to leave, and then these two new posters gave stories identical to mine and said to stay. They used the same bible verses my WS was telling me, and they knew details of our relationship that I hadn't posted online. I suspected that it was WS, and contacted administrator. Found out IP address was 45 minutes from his town, and that the two posters were the same IP address. The administrator deleted it for violating the rules on multiple accounts.

He swears that it was not him. He's told me that he's not dumb, and he wouldn't do something like that because he knows that he would get caught. I've been re-reading old emails where I was starting to suspect A before Dday (he confessed he went out with her, but lied by saying nothing happened), and he said that same thing. That he's not dumb, and he wouldn't tell me about dinner with her because that would lead him to getting caught. My gut feeling was so strong then, and I just chose to ignore it because I wanted to be with him. Now my gut feeling is strong about this too. It doesn't really matter. I don't care if he created a fake profile. I can even understand his motive behind it. But it just bothers me that I feel like he's lying about it.

How do you handle things like this, where you suspect a lie but don't have proof? If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

suspect a lie but don't have proof?

Welcome to my world. Therefore, I do not have an answer for you. But I will tell you what everyone else has been telling me - if you have a feeling, don't ignore it. Go with your gut. After all this time you have a 6th sense... if you feel like he's lying, he probably is. Maybe the truth will come out later? But the real question is, will you be able to move forward with R if you can't get passed this feeling? I'm not saying "let it go." I'm just saying be realistic.

If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?

Nope, don't think so. At this point, there should be no more lies, about anything. My husband and I aren't even close to R, but I can tell you we never will if he doesn't start coming clean. I want everything, including the stuff he thinks will "piss me off" and the stuff I might consider to be a dealbreaker. You can never be sure what you can work through until ou have all the info.

Good luck and ::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

one thing this experience told me, is to question "coincidences"...same bible verse? 45 mins away? hmmm. What's the most logical answer? your boyfriend.

If lying as at the root of this for you, ask him to take a polygraph and have him answer all the questions you have doubt about. It's worth the cost, if it is a dealbreaker for you


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2010
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

It's way too much of a coincidence. Definitely go with your gut on this one.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

There are things I've been told since d-day that I feel in my heart and gut are total lies, but I have no proof. I've spent so much time obsessing over them, trying to find the truth in any way I can. I think I just finally realized that at some point I WILL know and I have to let it go *for now*. So, I'm putting these on a shelf until new information comes my way.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

He says that he understands why I question the truth, because I believed all his other lies in past

Generally, I believe in Occam's Razor - the most simple, likely explanation is usually the correct one. It closely resembles Gut Theory on lying. I went through this too - I strongly believed my wife was lying to me about events in her affair, just because in the context of her behavior, personality, and the evidence I had the logical and most likely conclusion was that she had done certain things that she outright denied. Little by little, the evidence was found. The lies were exposed. It made it harder and harder to believe she was being truthful (after you've been told that's the complete truth for the whatever time). You have good reason to believe he is lying. What I'd be concerned about is if they are willing to hold onto little untruths what does that say about the big lies?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

There are some things that I don't question at all, and just believe that he's telling the truth on. And then there's this, which my gut feeling just says something's off. I don't even know why he would lie about it, except maybe because he lied at first and just doesn't want to admit to the lie. But in the grand scheme of everything else that came out, this seems small and dumb.

He says that the behavior of defending the truth and covering up a lie can both be seen the same (defensive, etc), which I can kind of see. I don't know. It doesn't even really matter what the truth is, it's just that my gut feeling is bothering me.

What I'd be concerned about is if they are willing to hold onto little untruths what does that say about the big lies?

This worries me too. There's really only three things I can list that I still think he's lying about. One I've dropped as irrelevant. One I know he'll never change his story on. And then there's this. It just bugs me. I feel like I have to let it go if I want to stay with him.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
OneFootForward
Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I want to believe him.. but I don't. And it's causing problems because I'm angry that I feel like he's still lying.

It's over something stupid too.

You recently discovered the A, which is usually built on a web of lies no spider could hope to compete with. You then think you see another strand of the web float down before you, a trivial little strand. Thing is, like the fly, we get stuck on it. And the more we wring our hands trying to dismiss it the further we become entangled. Lies are like webs in that they must be cut through if you wish to escape. After hacking at them so long, we take something that looks like a lie... even if it is not... and treat it like one. Once bitten, twice shy.

Is he telling the truth or is it another fiction? I wish I could point it out. I would echo what the other have said, "Go with your gut." That said, you need to temper it until you know the truth... just don't forge it into something else!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

IMHO lies are hard to get over in trying to R. Especially if there has been several. Like the others have said you have to trust your gut. Honestly if you can't get past the lies and learn to rebuild trust you can't R. I think reconciling takes time and rebuilding trust takes time.

If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?

You have to accept they lied in the past. The fact is affairs are about lies. You have to accept you will never know all the details of the A - but that is the past. You can't accept lies happening now or in the future. You need to draw a line between now and past lies. It is important the WS doesn't lie about what is happening now or in the future. I sincerely he understands this and makes the choice not to lie anymore.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 9th (Friday)

You have to accept they lied in the past. The fact is affairs are about lies. You have to accept you will never know all the details of the A - but that is the past. You can't accept lies happening now or in the future. You need to draw a line between now and past lies. It is important the WS doesn't lie about what is happening now or in the future. I sincerely he understands this and makes the choice not to lie anymore.

What about lies now about the past? I believe he's telling me the truth a out everything in present, but suspect that he's still holding onto some lies about the past. Do you just have to accept that you may never know the truth on those things in past, and focus on present and future?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Do you just have to accept that you may never know the truth on those things in past, and focus on present and future?

That sounds like rugsweeping to me. I think that you only have to accept what is palatable to you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Hi Lonely Girl!

Boy! This post mimics mine. I just posted with the thread title "Does it Matter". You should read it because I am struggling with the same thing.

I don't believe my WH about the past either although I think he is telling me the truth now.

My post says the same thing... does it matter that I don't trust the past, should I just accept it, blah, blah, blah.

My IC keeps saying that if I want a M with my WH then I have to trust what he says. And yes it sounds like rugsweeping to me.

I am struggling too. What do we do? I wish someone would tell me.

I guess my IC has told me, but I don't like her answer.

Does that make it a deal breaker then?

UGHHHH!!!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 8:48 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1452 | Registered: Jun 2012
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 9th (Friday)

If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?
It seems like he should be more concerned that you would have to accept his lying as that means he is not rebuilding trust at all.
His failure to rebuild trust is because he has not broken his patterns yet, which is evident by this...
he said that same thing
Whether it is true or not is irrelevant when you treat the truth and a lie the same way. His reason you should believe him is that he isn't dumb and knows he would get caught? Except he was that dumb and he did get caught. So obviously his perceptions and reality do not quite match up.

That is what he has not accepted. He has not grasped that the dynamic has changed and only the pure, authentic truth in his actions have any hope of rebuilding trust. Saying he did not send those messages because he ostensibly smarter than that still smacks of a manipulative and deceptive mindset.

So the bigger question for you is not whether you can accept his lies but can you accept him as a liar.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3727 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 9th (Friday)

IIRC, your WBF found your posts on SI too..all on his own..you didn't tell him..am I correct?

Yeah...I don't think it's a coincidence that the person posting on the other site was the same person,and 45 minutes from your house..considering the identical stories they spun.

He is still lying to you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 9th (Friday)

t/j Hey Brandon! Good to see you!


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Hi broken, I actually just replied to your thread. I got a lot of "I don't knows" about questions about dates and places, then told him what I posted in your thread. He went through his bank account and created a timeline, so those questions were fixed. Maybe your WS could do something similar?

That is what he has not accepted. He has not grasped that the dynamic has changed and only the pure, authentic truth in his actions have any hope of rebuilding trust. Saying he did not send those messages because he ostensibly smarter than that still smacks of a manipulative and deceptive mindset.

Maybe this is my problem. I think he's still lying because he's using the same words, same explanations. I feel like he did manipulate me in the past, and I'm terrified of being manipulated again. His explanations whenever I suspected something in past were so logical. I'm a logical person, so I believed him. I've asked this question a hundred different ways though and I keep getting the same answer. I don't know if its a lie or not. My gut says it is. But I don't have any proof. It's not even over something important. If he confessed the truth, I'd still stay with him. But I'm hung up over the possibility of the lie. Part of me thinks I should just let it go since the answer doesn't matter. The other part just doesn't want to be the dumb girl who believes lies again


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Actually..this *does* matter.

ANY lie during R is a problem. So it does matter if he is being honest about this...if he is lying,it shows he's done little to nothing when it comes to working on himself,and it shows a lack of respect for you,and the process you are going through now,as a result of his betrayals.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 9th (Friday)

IIRC, your WBF found your posts on SI too..all on his own..you didn't tell him..am I correct?

Yeah, he did. His story is that he found SI because I put an email on here, and he googled words of email. Then he says he found my first forum a week later by googling screen name.

I think he found first forum around dday, and then found this one based on screen name. No proof though.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 9th (Friday)

ANY lie during R is a problem. So it does matter if he is being honest about this...if he is lying,it shows he's done little to nothing when it comes to working on himself,and it shows a lack of respect for you,and the process you are going through now,as a result of his betrayals.

Agreed. The lie matters. The answer doesn't matter. I don't care if he found the forum. I wasn't trying to hide it from him.

But with no proof of a lie and the fact that the answer wouldn't change R, I feel like I should just try to forget it.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:26 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 9th (Friday)

He just sent me an email saying that he read this post. He said that he considered telling me that it was him on the other forum, even though it wasn't, so I'd let it go. But he said he won't do that, because he's not going to lie to me. He also pointed out that I had let this go until last week when he confessed to seeing SI. He said he didn't have to confess that. So since he confessed that, the other stuff is true.

I'm feeling crazy again. All of that is very logical and makes sense. It totally makes sense. Just like it made sense when he confessed before dday that he had dinner with her and nothing happened. He had said that I should trust him because he didn't have to confess that. It made sense, so I decided to believe him.

The topic of the lie doesn't matter at all. But I hate feeling crazy.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 9th (Friday)

So he is following your posts here.

Other than that..what is he doing?

Why doesn't he post here? Im sure the wayward forum would be a huge help to him..and you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 9th (Friday)

It sounds like he is using your confusion against you. Consistency does not equate to honesty. Just because he didn't have to tell you something and he did doesn't mean that there isn't something else he is withholding. It's a shitty game trying to believe someone who has proven that they can lie to you over a long period of time.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I've suggested he join the wayward forum, but he's a private person.

I guess I'll just let it go for now until I have more information


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 9th (Friday)

This is an anonymous forum. So being private is fine..the great thing about posting here is..you are as anonymous as you want to be.

I suspect there's more to it,though.

If he is going to use your threads against you..to confuse you..maybe you should ask him to respect YOUR privacy and stop reading your posts.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I initially declined to share the forum name with him because I wanted to use it as my place of safety and support. I tried explaining it to him, but he kept pointing out that I was keeping secrets from him. And he searched for it and found it. It felt like a violation of privacy at first, but I don't say anything in here that I wouldn't say to his face.

I also suspect that he's looking in my phone, but also no proof. Nothing to hide, so don't care. But aggravates me that he won't admit it

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:34 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 9th (Friday)


Right after dday,I don't think a BS should be completely transparent with their WS. First,this person has just shown they can not be trusted. Second,you are entitled to a safe place to vent..sure..but also to get advice. By going behind your back,after you asked that he respect that,makes me wonder if his reasons for wanting to read your posts have little to do with your feelings..and more to do with staying one step ahead of you.

Sharing SI with a WS too soon after dday can backfire..badly. There have been WS's who share their BS's posts with their AP..and they laugh and make fun of the BS's pain. And there have been WS's who have read the advice on here..and used it to take the A underground..or just to stay a step ahead of their BS..so it looks like they're doing the "right" thing..when they're not.

That he told you it wasn't fair that you were keeping secrets from him..because you have found an infidelity support website..is bullshit. There is a HUGE difference between seeking support and advice to deal with the trauma of infidelity..and keeping secrets about fucking someone else.

But back to the topic...the reason this is holding you back..is because you know he is lying to you. Common sense tells you that. The reason you are confused is because it doesn't make sense. It makes sense that your WBF was this other poster(s) on that other site..and you're confused because he is denying it.

If you didn't ask him if it was him..and you just went on the fact,as you know them..you reach the very logical conclusion that it was him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:43 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Just something to consider Lonelygirl. I've been following your posts and just wanted to point out that there has not been one person on here who has not tried very hard to help you see how toxic this guy is for you. Not even one. For you to get two posts to the contrary that have stood out as suspicious, I think your gut feeling is dead on. Just another manipulation tactics that is keeping you off balance.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 10:51 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I'm not sure why he wanted to read the forum so badly. He kept saying it was because he suspected I was saying things that would hurt his feelings, and he wanted to read them. He also tried to get me to stop posting, because he thought strangers who don't know him would give bad advice. I think he wants to read the replies so he can tell me when they're wrong. I think he also just liked knowing whether I'm thinking of ending things and how I'm feeling.

When he confessed to SI, i think he told me he had been reading it for about two weeks. That upsets me a little if true, because that means he was lying during those two weeks wheb he was asking me for tge name. I believe he found the other website back in March though, and that one led him here since a poster recommended SI to me. I kind of tricked him into confessing SI. I asked it in a very non threatening way. Then waited a week and asked if he had found the first forum. He said he did, after SI. So it's like he confessed that he's found both of them now, and can tell me he's read everything, but I don't think he told the truth on when he found them. It shouldn't matter I guess.

I suggested a lie detector test and he agreed. That makes me think he's telling truth, but I'm also jaded enough to think that he'd agree just to make me trust him more while thinking I won't actually set it up


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I can't figure out why you keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter when it is obviously keeping you in inner turmoil. It would seem that you are so infatuated with this guy that you are willing to sacrifice so much of yourself even when deep down inside it conflicts with your own values & beliefs about what a relationship should be.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I can't figure out why you keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter when it is obviously keeping you in inner turmoil. It would seem that you are so infatuated with this guy that you are willing to sacrifice so much of yourself even when deep down inside it conflicts with your own values & beliefs about what a relationship should be.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Double post

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 11:10 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I see a lot of selfishness on his part in your last post...HE was worried you were saying things that would hurt his feelings..(really?? what about alll the hurt he has caused you??)..HE was wanting to know what was being said..HE wants to read our comments so he can tell you we are wrong.(Pretty sure most of us have been spot on so far,though)

It's all about HIM. What about YOU?

And yes...he was lying to you...while reading your posts here on SI...and he was using what you were saying..and what was being said to you..to confuse and manipulate you.

It DOES matter..it shows he is willing to lie to you..and if he is willing to lie about "small" things..he WILL lie about the big ones. This is a BIG problem...please don't downplay this.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:11 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I can't figure out why you keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter when it is obviously keeping you in inner turmoil.

I guess I'm saying it doesn't matter because the topic of the lie is not important? It'd be different if I thought he was lying about where he was last night or something. But even if he confessed that he found the forum back in March, what difference would that make? None.

I've been reading threads all day, and found one post where a woman said that she just had to let go at some point of trying to catch all the lies, and decide to move forward because the "answer" to the lie wouldn't change her decision to R.

It DOES matter..it shows he is willing to lie to you..and if he is willing to lie about "small" things..he WILL lie about the big ones. This is a BIG problem...please don't downplay this.

I don't have proof that he's lying though. Just my gut feeling. He could completely be telling the truth, and it's all in my head.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 11:30 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 9th (Friday)

It's ok for him to lie to you..as long as the subject of the lie isn't important?

I have to disagree...what difference would it make if he admitted it? All the difference in the world. It would show you he is willing to be honest about every thing..including the things he could keep secret..but chooses to be honest,rather than to lie to you.

It wouldn't change the past..he did it..it's done. But it would show you what you should expect in the future with this man..either he will be honest with you about all things..or he will pick and choose what to be honest about..and will lie to you if he feels it may cause a problem.

I respect that you have chose to ignore this and believe him..even though your common sense has told you he is lying. I get it. BTDT. But choosing to go along with this..when your gut is telling you he is lying...doesn't set you up for a healthy R.

((((LG))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 9th (Friday)

But then again, the probability is exactly what you think it is. It seems you are hesitate to create boundaries because you are terrified of having to enforce the consequences that may put this relationship in jeopardy and, trust me, he knows this.

You can choose to ignore and move on but, it will forever be in the back of your mind so is that really moving forward? Rationalizing all of these discrepancies in order to quiet those nagging feelings you have to justify staying in this relationship may work temporarily but, raring have long term effects.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's most likely a duck!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 9th (Friday)

IMHO, based on this post and your previous ones, you are dealing with a man that is emotionally abusive.

I initially declined to share the forum name with him because I wanted to use it as my place of safety and support. I tried explaining it to him, but he kept pointing out that I was keeping secrets from him. And he searched for it and found it.

And the fact that he made concerted efforts to search out the site even AFTER you specifically requested that he back off is just appalling to me and highly intrusive.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7942 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I suggested a lie detector test and he agreed. That makes me think he's telling truth, but I'm also jaded enough to think that he'd agree just to make me trust him more while thinking I won't actually set it up
My husband agreed to take one too. I think he thought it would be enough to convince me for him just to say he'd take one. And it was for a few days. As hard as I tried, I couldn't accept that he was telling me the truth. Things still didn't make sense. So I brought the polygraph back up and showed him a website of a company close by that does it. I asked him if he's still willing to take it and he says sure. I said "great, because you have an appt at 3pm tomorrow. Can't wait" Boy did he start back peddling!!! All the sudden he didn't trust the test and blah blah blah. Bottom line...he was still lying. It took me kicking him out for a week to admit it. All i wanted him to admit was that he had some sort of feelings for the OW at the time he was taking her out.

[This message edited by Scubachick at 2:01 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 642 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 9th (Friday)

My husband agreed to take one too. I think he thought it would be enough to convince me for him just to say he'd take one. And it was for a few days. As hard as I tried, I couldn't accept that he was telling me the truth. Things still didn't make sense. So I brought the polygraph back up and showed him a website of a company close by that does it. I asked him if he's still willing to take it and he says sure. I said "great, because you have an appt at 3pm tomorrow. Can't wait" Boy did he start back peddling!!! All the sudden he didn't trust the test and blah blah blah. Bottom line...he was still lying. It took me kicking him out for a week to admit it. All i wanted him to admit was that he had some sort of feelings for the OW at the time he was taking her out.

Thank you for that story. That helps me to feel less jaded and cynical.

I'm tossing around all the comments on here today. I think I might just insist on a lie detector test. That way I can just know one way or the other if he's lying. If he passes, that should help R. If he fails, then at least I'll know.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Think of this way. If he truly loves you and wants to help you heal, what a golden opportunity for him to prove he's telling the truth. He should be screaming that he wants this opportunity!

If not, why not?


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 9th (Friday)

He has said he will do it. Even said he looked up places and cost for it.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
guarded
Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

I am glad he says he looked them up. Gently though, please don't let him off the hook until he actually takes the test. Otherwise you will be stuck in my position several years out with no follow through. He will sleep like a baby believing all is well and you will still be wide awake, tormented by the questions. Believe me, it is nothing I would wish on you. A tormented mind ruins all the day to day good times. My life and husband seem perfect now, but bc my questions were never fully answered, it clouds EVERYTHING. I can't just "let it go" and I doubt that you can either, as much as you'd like to.

T/j too: Good to see a post from brandon again.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

He is wasting his time stalking you to see where you post or what you say about him.

If he is anxious about losing you and is biting his nails ( if) his efforts are better put to regaining your trust rather than destroying it more.

All of those lies and screwing with your head. It will only end one way. You gone. The lies have destroyed more in my situation than the initial offense of the affair.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 42