Just Found Out
User Topic: What the f***
New Member
Member # 39988
Flame  Posted: 2:46 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Can anyone help me with this
Is it just me or does anyone else see it as I do
Am just entering 3months from confronting WH over what has been an 18 month affair -they met at a 4 day music festival and it started from there in 2011.
He went to the festival vwith his friend and they camped for the 4 days in his friend's campervan/ tents.
Last year my WH and his friend went to the same festival picking up OW on the way and my H spent the whole time with her.
My H's friend has suggested H and I go to same festival with him and his partner and camp in the van or tents with them (as H did with OW) next week and my H thinks it's a good idea!
I am absolutely livid about this suggsestion and feel it's incredibly crass and inappropriate- I feel it would be rubbing my face in it -do I want to be where they were together and slept together not f****** likely, do I want to be reminded of their affair for the duration of the festival or be around his friend who was a party to the affair- big emphatic NO from me
I have told my H this is how I feel about it and was greeted with derision and a suggestion I was being unreasonable! I suggested that he might as well pick OW up on the way and carry on where they left off.
Seriously Seriously can anyone tell me if I am being unreasonable because I don't understand

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: LostSoul
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, August 9th (Friday)

You are not being unreasonable. In fact, I'll go you one better. You and your husband need to cut all ties to that friend. He's not a friend to your marriage, he's an enemy to your marriage and actively participated in the destruction of your marriage. That friend needs to go away permanently. Now.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I could agree more with the post above.

This "friend" is an accomplice in your WS's affair, he knew, approved and facilitated.

A true friend would have said "hey mate, what on earth are you doing?".

This is not a friend of yours, or your WS, or your marriage, and probably has the same porous boundaries as your WS.

If your WS won't end all contact with him, unfortunately it shows where his loyalties lie, obviously having a "good time" is more important than making his BS feel safe.

He needs a touch of reality.

I'd be telling him if he goes, to keep right on walking.... but that's just me

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I would seriously consider your H attitude about this. Its apparent he enjoys this festival and wants to go. Yet he did not even think about how you would feel considering what happened in the past. Its very selfish thinking and not conducive to R. He is also deflecting blame on you by saying your being unreasonable. Another red flag that he don't get it. And I'm with the rest about the friend. This guy is no friend of the M. When I think about all of this, what exactly has your H done to show you how committed he is in this R ? Sounds to me he really has not changed much. But that my .02 cents.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Honestly? He doesn't sound ONE BIT remoseful at all for what he did.

If he truly were, he'd know damned well this lame music fest of his is a HUGE source of pain and humiliation for you. If he were truly remorseful, he'd actually think twice about even going, considering what he's done to you in the past.

He's unbelieveably selfish and self-serving and is STILL thinking only of himself, just like he did in his affair.

I don't think things will change much until he's truly remorseful and GETS what he's done.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 9th (Friday)

((((LostSouls)))) Everyone else is seeing it as you are. The idea is painfully insensitive at best. In my eyes, it reads as cruelly indifferent to you.

Stand your ground.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25754 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 9th (Friday)


^^^^^I just want to agree and support what everyone else is saying.
You are NOT in any way being's this:

He's unbelieveably selfish and self-serving and is STILL thinking only of himself, just like he did in his affair

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I don't think you are being unreasonable for not wanting to go. But, I do want to offer that your husband may not see it the same way you do. I know that I can go places with my fWH that I associate with the affair, and I will trigger like crazy. He doesn't even think about it -- I am not saying he never triggers or thinks about it, but what seems significant to me does not usually elicit the same reaction from him.

But, if it is going to be a trigger-fest for you, then no way. He should support you 100% on that.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 9th (Friday)

You're not being unreasonable.

It's time for that festival to be a thing of the past.

Sorry, dude. You created a perma-trigger. That was your choice. The consequences? You're done.

Oh--and yeah. That "friend?" He's history, too.

Has your husband shown any remorse? What is he doing to make you feel safe in your marriage?

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:23 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
sinsof thefather
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 9th (Friday)

This is no 'friend' of yours - this is an enemy of your marriage - and that your husband has even *suggested* this to you speaks volumes about his awareness of what he has done - and volumes about his remorse too.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Ok, I just want to be sure about this.
I have told my H this is how I feel about it and was greeted with derision and a suggestion I was being unreasonable!

Because of're asking if you are, in fact, being unreasonable.

I assume you were utterly stunned by his...reaction...and that was a rhetorical question, right?

I could understand the suggestion of you attending if he had this moment cluelessness fueling the idea that it would be a way to reclaim the event so it belongs to both of you. The moment you let him know how horrible that idea really was, especially including the "friend" who enabled the A, it should have been all engines in reverse on the idea.

Wow, what self-centered...person. I think it boils down to him not wanting to lose this festival with his "buddy" and thinking if he lets you tag along then it will all be ok.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 9th (Friday)

This is no 'friend' of yours - this is an enemy of your marriage - and that your husband has even *suggested* this to you speaks volumes about his awareness of what he has done - and volumes about his remorse too.

When my ex was having his A, he had a friend who was supposed to be my friend too, who helped him. He went on 'double dates' with my ex and the OW. He went on vacation with us to disney with his wife, all while the A was going on and never told me a thing. He helped him cover it up.

When A was discovered one of the first things I did was send this so called friend an email telling him that I thought he was the lowest scum on the earth and no friend to my marriage and he was no longer welcome in my house. I also told him he would have to live with the knowledge that he helped destroy an inncoent 8 year old boy's family and hoped he was proud of himself for that. Best thing I ever did, these people are hindering any chance you have at R.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
New Member
Member # 39988
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

Thankyou to all of you that responded to my post - sorry not provided any update sooner- glad to see I wasn't being unreasonable. I will admit I wad incandescent with anger when I wrote my post - I admit I was actually physically shaking with anger.
I have told WH to go to his precious festival with his friend and enjoy himself and whilst he's at it why not collect the OW on the way so it can be just like old times for them and he can spend the four days with her.
I honestly don't think he sees that there is anything wrong with it and I question if he is committed to reconciliation or whether he thinks his affair is something that will be forgotten about.
I am not going to issue an ultimatum but I can't see how we can move forward as it stands and whilst it seems he is putting his friend first.
I have told him there is no way I am going to the festival and it's his choice as to whether he does or not- am sorely tempted to change the locks if he goes and pack his stuff for him and leave it outside
Thanks again folks for the support I could really do with it right now.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: LostSoul
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

You may not be legal changing the locks - but nothing says you can't add some.

DO be prepared to enforce your boundary with support, (friends, family, neighbors, do you have a L?) to head-off the dramatics.

His derision of your feelings is so wrong. Be prepared for resentment - if you state the boundary and consequences & he opts not to go.
Resentment will show you loud and clear he's not remorseful too (as if derision isn't enough - geez!)
Get a L.

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

If he goes, you will be sick the entire time. I believe it is time for you to evaluate where you are in your marriage.

Do you want to be treated as though your feelings do not matter? If he goes, he is telling you just that.

I would let him know that if he chooses to go, then you will choose to re-evaluate your position on remaining married to him.

He is a complete ass hat.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 11:18 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

No decent guy would treat you like is emotional abuse.

See a counselor,, tell him he only gets to stay married to you if he sees a counselor, too.

Be prepared for him to NOT "get" this. He is seriously screwed up.

Not sure if he is a drinker, or not, but in Alanon I learned, you can't outsmart an alcoholic, simply do what is best for you.

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I have told him there is no way I am going to the festival and it's his choice as to whether he does or not

I think that you handled this very wisely....

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Not unreasonable at all, in fact your reaction is completely sane and normal..

I would make it a condition of R that there is complete NC with your WH's musical festival friend..

I would also make it a condition of R that your WH stops tossing your feelings aside in favor of his and everybody else's..He may need IC help in doing his.

IC beneficial to you as a place to vent, get feedback and have help in rebuilding your self esteem..

Your WH reminds me a lot of my WH in many ways when it comes to partying or doing what he wants to do and with whom he wants to do it with..

If I stood in the way of what WH wanted to do he vomited out the "You are unreasonable" nonsense to me as well..

When I was young before we married, I should have considered WH's choice of friends a major red flag as to what kind of asshat he was/is..I was too young, naive to see the handwriting on the wall

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:31 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I would accept, and then use those campervan and tents as fuel for the campfire I danced around wearing nothing but woad and vengeance.


Not only are you not being unreasonable I'm amazed he is still friends enough with that couple that there would be such an invitation extended.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7484 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 39988
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Thanks Guys for all the messages -you have no idea how much I appreciate them-it's such a relief to see that others agree with me as otherwise I feel so alone with all this.
The festival is only a couple of days away and I still don't know how it will turn out. Part of me expects H to come out with some trite rubbish about having time to evaluate things and part of me thinks he won't go but be seething inside about not going. I'm adamant I'm not issuing an ultimatum but I have decided if he goes he might as well keep on going because it shows me that it's more important than our marriage (although I kind of guessed our marriage isn't that important as he had his affair which must be pretty special to throw away nearly 17 years together 15 of them married).
Am trying to prepare myself for the worst - will keep you posted
Thanks again for the support kinda need it right now

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: LostSoul
New Member
Member # 37891
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

which must be pretty special to throw away nearly 17 years together 15 of them married.

No is wasn't/isn't special. It was cheap and nasty and pathetic, just like every affair is. Your marriage was special and worth something, his affair was not!

Me; BW
Him; sadly passed away now...
married 24 years
including 10 years of false R
3 wonderful grown kids
Divorced Dec 2011

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Australia
New Member
Member # 39988
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Folks here's the update....
Festival was from Thursday to Monday just gone (ended 19th August)
H didn't go in the end - I certainly was never going to go as I previously mentioned.
What I wasn't prepared for was that H made no mention of festival as it came closer and never mentioned it from last Thursday to Sunday - I had previously seen an email from H to festival organisers asking that his tickets not be delivered to our home address but to one of his friends (another superb friend to him - a lowlife sh** in my book that knew all about the affair and was also in touch with 'her') - I waited for him to tell me about this and gave him what I think were ample opportunities to do so but by Sunday I couldn't keep it to myself anymore and brought it up.
H reacted as if I had slapped him in the face and couldn't have looked more uncomfortable and guilty about it. He insists he had the tickets go to his friend so as not to upset me by then turning up at home and got his friend to sell them on his behalf. He may be telling the truth - I'm not buying it ......
I find it hard to accept his logic in these actions -I already know about the festival and that he had ordered tickets in advance ( you have to as they tend to sell out) so as far as I'm concerned all he had to do was say the tickets were coming, that they had arrived and that he has sold them.
By his actions and secrecy I'm left convinced one of the tickets was for her and for all I know he's given the tickets to her -he's adamant this is not the case. For all I know he's met up with her to give her the tickets. It's like he doesn't get it and yet again I'm left wondering what the hell I'm doing here

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: LostSoul
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

I'm glad he didnt go lostsoulss.

Sometimes, it takes them time to undo the selfishness we tolerated so long.

His friends hopefully will be the next thing he lets go off.

I'm very uncomfortable my h still has occasional contact with some people who helped assist him in his a. I can not do much about that as it is work related.

He wouldnt dare say he was going to hang out with them somewhere. He wouldnt be coming back here.

Progress i guess.

Hang in there,,,,,,

Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
New Member
Member # 39988
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Thanks kiki1
I am left wondering what I can do and whether its worth hanging in there.
My concern is that he has again chosen to hide something from me -there's been secrecy and collusion between him and his friend -some might think I'm being anal over this and making too much of it but it's major to me. The fact that he's been secretive and omitted to tell me hurts and just reminds me of the deceit and collusion around his affair. The fact his friend has helped him again hurts as I know this friend colluded with him over the affair, knew about the affair and was even in contact with OW.
It leaves me questioning where H's loyalties lie -sure as hell doesn't feel like they are with me.
Can anyone tell me that this gets any easier
Any advice welcomed.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: LostSoul
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)


Have a talk with him. Tell him you are starting over with him, and his behavior from that day on will be used by you to determine whether you will stay with him.

Tell him the rules. You will find great lists of ground rules/boundaries here on SI.

For starters:

#1 No more A's
#2 No more secrets, about anything. That means, no more doing things to "protect" your feelings either. If he messes up he needs to fess up to you, not try to cover it up.
#3 End friendships with all people who knew about the A and didn't tell you. No sneaking to communicate or get together with them. He will balk. It is either them, or you. Period.
#4 You get access to all phones, computers, etc. and you can check them any time. Don't forget, you can also check the phone bill for all phone numbers dialed.

I'm glad he didn't go to the festival, but his sneaky move regarding the tickets is a red flag. Don't. Believe. A. Liar.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
New Member
Member # 39988
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Thanks for the advice -am willing to take a chance and try.
I would just like the hurt to be over -I'm fed up of feeling physically sick and having all the 'worst case scenarios' on a continual loop going round my mind.
I feel like I'm stuck on a hamster's wheel going round and round but not actually making any ground.
It's like one step forward two steps back constantly. It's like a seriously messed up 'Groundhog Day'.
All of the secrecy around the tickets has sent me backwards-I now wonder if he hasn't told me about that (and why wouldn't you if it was all above board and innocent) what else is lurking waiting to bite me on the a**.
I don't know how much more I can take.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: LostSoul
Topic Posts: 26