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User Topic: Question about moving on when OW is very involved in kids' life
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 9th (Friday)

I have a question for those of you who had the AP marry your ex, and subsequently get VERY involved in your children's lives. I'm not sure if this belongs here or in New Beginnings, but this is the forum I frequent.

The OW is now my children's stepmother, and is really taking the "mother" role seriously. I have every confidence this is not about my children, rather about me, as she has 3 young children of her own, and purposely antagonizes me. It's a long list of behavior, but I see it for what it is.

At any rate, I see her constantly, on a weekly basis. It is also complicated because the children attend the same school where I work - as of this upcoming year, OW has now joined several parent committees, which means she will be on campus (my workplace) even MORE.

I know what to *do*. I do not ever engage with her. I am NC with ex except for necessary e-mails (NEVER phone or face to face conversations) about finances or scheduling. I have them both blocked on all social media. I have distanced myself or cut off mutual friends. I did 2 years of weekly IC. I feel I have done everything in MY power to heal, move on, and set healthy boundaries.

My question is this: I hear a lot on SI about "putting the ex in the rearview mirror" and "creating an entirely new life and leave it in the past" etc, etc. I have done that in SO many ways - I am VERY happily re-married, I love my job, my kids are amazing, I'm in the best shape of my life (running daily), I have a great social life. My life is so great - except that I share 3 children with ex and OW, and they continue, 3 years later, to engage in such inflammatory and antagonistic behavior.

How do I "shut it out" when she is in my life so constantly? At parent teacher conferences? At Mother's visiting day when *I* am the mother? Etc, etc? I mean, I know what to DO (ignore, ignore, ignore) but how do I just ... not CARE that she is still so involved in my life?

Anyone else dealing with this? I feel like I am always thinking "only 9 more years" (until youngest turns 18) but I don't want to go through the next 9 years feeling that way.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 9th (Friday)

At Mother's visiting day when *I* am the mother?

Why is she there with your kids when you are there? You should always get priority in any mom activites or events that involves your kids. Let her be mother to her own kids.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Why is she there with your kids when you are there? You should always get priority in any mom activities or events that involves your kids. Let her be mother to her own kids.

I imagine because she knows it's very hurtful to me.

My husband (also faculty at our school) and I have spoken to the top administrators at our school about this. They have encouraged me to get a restraining order if at all possible, as that is the only way the school will intervene (they are sympathetic and supportive to my situation, and *personally* appalled on my behalf, but policy-wise, can't get involved).

My lawyer said that unless she actually engages in altercations or threatens me, I can do nothing legally.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Your x works there too? Man, that makes it really tough! I don't know if I would be able to take the high road and not tell everyone that his new husband likes to screw married men, and that yours was just the latest! Ack!

Are your kids in the same grades as hers? Ie. are all events together? If there is a mom's day tea or whatever, shouldn't she be where ever her kids are, and you go to your kids' classes?

Honestly, I don't know what you can do, other than do what you are doing. Keep ignoring her, keep loving your job, make sure your kids are happy, and just keep going. It sounds like you have been moving forward and have rebuilt your life; it really sucks that there is no way to leave them totally behind and not have to see them all the time.

I hope someone has something useful for you.


BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5227 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Your x works there too?

Are your kids in the same grades as hers? Ie. are all events together? If there is a mom's day tea or whatever, shouldn't she be where ever her kids are, and you go to your kids' classes?

No, my current husband (re-married) is also faculty. He is very involved in the kids' lives (we have the kids about 65% of the time), and we pay 2/3 of their tuition as well as all associated costs...but he still respectfully steps back when ex comes to school for parent events (and there was no infidelity, and he did not know ex - we began dating after ex divorced me).

Her 3 children go to a different school. She has no connection with my school other than her stepchildren.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Oh...ok. That's a little easier.

If she is only coming there for your children's events and her children don't go there, then the best thing would have been to have it in the D papers that only the parents are allowed at the parent/ teacher interviews and mark related/behaviour related information would only be given to the parents. But it's too late for that.

When it's the mother's day celebration, do your kids seem to "mind" that she is there and you are there? Do they make you both a card, or is she trying to block you out and make your children make the day about her? If your kids seem ok, then I don't know what you can do other than suck it up. If the kids would prefer it just be you there, then I'd put an email to your X saying look, this is mother's day, and she has no business being there. My H doesn't go trying to take the attention away from you when it's the father's day celebration. See what happens.

I'm doubting he will go along with that though. Hmm. I'll have to think on this one.


BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5227 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 9th (Friday)

This is going to sound a little inmature, mean girl like, but can't you surround the troops and have them do "battle" for you?? Let them make OW feel uncomfortable for overstepping her bounds? Shunning seems the easiest. She's a bold woman and if you always have taken the high road, she probably doesn't even know you're bugged by her, which is good.

How does she find out about the Mother's day thing in the first place?


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2011
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Oh, she's got some audacity!

Sometimes, I've seen where the OW does this kind of stuff because they want to play mommy. But in this case, she's got her own kids. I can only think, then, that this is her way of bonding together with your XWH, and show how *wonderful they are. what great parents they are* in their messed up mindset.

that being said, she's got some god damned nerve.

I know she's only doing it to get to you, you're not supposed to engage, etc. And I get that your school's hands are tied. But geez, I wish someone could find some reason, somewhere, to put a stop to it.



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Thanks for the replies.

She knows about all the events because my school is excellent about sending electronic weekly updates with all events. It's a very expensive private school, so there's always a LOT of social/family activities, and ways to promote the "family atmosphere" of the school.

My colleagues (kids' teachers) schedule separate P-T conferences for me because they know how upsetting it is for me to have to sit there with her.

Everyone is privately very supportive (they fill me in anytime she or ex is in the building, they let me know when ex tried to circumvent me on an academic issue without talking to me, etc) and I know they all have my back, but for professional reasons (which of COURSE I understand) they are all very polite and businesslike to her face. Heck, when my kids reach grades 9-12, it's likely my husband and I will have to deal with them as educators OF the kids.

Parents who know (I don't go around broadcasting it, but the parents of my kids' best friends know) are supportive to me, but polite to them. It's all so hard because no one wants the kids to suffer because of this (ie I refuse to let you play with them when Dad and stepmom have them).

My kids are very uncomfortable when she and I are in the same arena. My oldest knows about the affair (not from me - he was old enough to "get" that Dad left mom, mom and best friend aren't friends, Dad is now with best friend) and is VERY protective of me - will not speak her name around me, and often hovers right with me when she is around. My younger two aren't quite as informed but know that something happened since now Mom and stepmom no longer speak (and they were BFFs) so it's always this awkward, tense situation.

And no, they do not make her cards, do anything for Mother's Day, include her in parent stuff at school. I have tried to speak with ex about how uncomfortable it makes me to have her at my workplace, and I am told to "get over it. Let it go. She is committed to the children and will act as their parent."


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 9th (Friday)

This woman is trying to replace you as the mother - no doubt being encouraged by your ex. That way he will feel less guilty if THEY are all one big happy family. "See my kids are even happy with OW, so what I did was okay"

I would have a consult with my Lawyer to see if anything can be done.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9584 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
missmydogs
Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 9th (Friday)

That woman is a nutcase. She acts as though she wants to be you. I have no idea how to get that madness to stop. Perhaps a D modification, with school terms clearly laid out? Idk. But good luck to you.


Me 36
DS 16
DD 4

Divorced!

I've made a huge mistake - GOB


Posts: 70 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 9th (Friday)

First off your story always makes me both hurt for you and furious at the audacity of this OW!!

I wonder if you have made her too comfortable with your professionalism? What if you stared at her, much like you would bubble gum on your shoe, and if she looks at you, smile knowingly. Whisper at the nearest person that you would like to get the recipe for the cookies they brought, or ask if they are willing to chair some committee, while you glance at the OW.

She seems far too comfortable in YOUR space and I would do whatever I could to change that within the bounds of professionalism. Now if you accidentally provoke her to demand you "stop talking about her" then she has become confrontational and is obviously delusional and you have the grounds you and the school need to ban her from future events.

It feels like weak advice. I am sorry. I really have a ton of sympathy for you and I can easily imagine how distressing her being there is.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I'm so sorry, Hoya. I've seen this before and am told by nearly exh that it's coming...that is, only a matter of time before he will introduce OW into life out from under the rock they hide under.

It is simply not something I can imagine...the OW part in it, that is. I'm so sorry for the difficult time at your work place, as that's a hard enough thing to earn and keep in the first place. To me a workplace should be sacred, but boundaries are in question with affairs in the first place, right?

Although I'm not in the same spot but will be at some point, I wanted to say that I don't think you have to hide those feelings...I don't. I can't. It's too much.

I think it's what you do with them that's more important, like you're already doing, keeping to that exhausting and lonely high road. I commend you for already being in contact with her when you've had to, for I've said basically that I simply will not do it. Anyone who accepts OW will lose me and if/when that occurs, maybe they weren't my "friend" to begin with? That may sound harsh, but it took a long time to get that backbone.

"We" have to learn to share school events also, but luckily he doesn't yet have the audacity to bring OW-or any of the tribe-that I've seen. I think you're very strong and as I said, commend you for it.

I have a friend who is a BS, out a few years past me. OW there is a bit like the one you describe, in that she appears with the Ex and just kind of strolls around the place. She actually appears at the home of my friend and this appalls me. I see her in our town and I look the other way, while she blatantly stares at me, knowing of my friendship with the family she ruined. She also knows my story so may be another reason she gawks.

The lack of boundaries I try hard to understand but do not and I'm sorry I don't have any active advice, except...chin up!

I agree with you in your post's theories, for OW in the case of Nearly ExH made a big competition and I didn't even know she existed. It's like a contest, or game, where no one really wins and many people lose.

I hope the school year will go by fast. At school where DD goes, I finally did tell a few trusted people there, because it emotionally wrecked me to see him strut around. People knew he was gone but not yet the truth and now many do.


I hope there'll be a way to make *your* visiting days *yours* again.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Thank you so much for the replies, and empathy.

Legally, there's not much to be done. I *just* finished (signed by judge 7/29) a 10 month, $$$, modification suit that ex surprised me with. I raised all these issues with my lawyer (including her e-mailing me about kids, showing up at my work, etc) but unfortunately as long as it is "kid focused", she can serve as the person designated by ex to handle coparenting.

She has been at my home many times to pick up kids. All I can do is make sure she is not on my property (kids go out to car).

It's so hard because I have to always maintain my professionalism. She seems oblivious to any shaming behavior. I don't feel I can enlist the help of fellow parents because of my role as teacher - in several years I will be teaching these people's children.

I don't really think there's anything I can do to change the situation - I'm trying to figure out a way to get myself to a place where this isn't detracting from my quality of life. It all seems terribly unfair. My husband and I have talked about pulling the kids out of our school and putting them in public for my sanity - but I don't want their education to suffer because of this woman.

I hate feeling like a victim - I just don't know how to get myself free of this.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
vcr1995
Member
Member # 22106
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Maybe your new dh should stop stepping back at school events. If it pisses the ex off, then you have a bargaining chip to use. Your new husband will back off if his whore will.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2008
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Yuck. Just yuck. Do you have 50/50?

She is immune to shaming because she has no self-respect. Neither does her husband.

I had to have a laugh at the thought of 6 kids running circles around them at home. No wonder she is so hell bent on sticking herself in your face.

Surely there is an OH&S (stress, anxiety) angle you could use here? This is your workplace after all.

She has no business being there. None at all. I'm guessing as her children grow she'll be crazy busy with managing their activities.

If all else fails I would go down the road of "I have nothing to be ashamed of here - let her shame herself as much as she likes".

When it is all over you and everyone at the school will remember how much and how often she made a fool of herself.

With some distance you will see the humour in how ridiculous she looks doing this. You can see some of it now but it is largely clouded by your discomfort.

At the end of the day you will look back on this time and you won't remember the awkwardness but you will feel pretty damn good about yourself and proud that you maintained your dignity in the face of this fuckery.

I don't know how you do it. There is no way in hell I could stand this situation.

I would be talking to my L about having her excluded from visiting MY workplace without the children's father in attendance or something like that.

She is trying to jeopardise your job by goading you like this. If you flip out or react or discuss it with other parents etc. etc. etc. all put your job/career in jeopardy.

Fuck.That.Bitch. I'd be making sure to have a laugh with parents/teachers at every opportunity. Not about her of course but she wouldn't know that.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4578 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Fooled Me Twice
Member
Member # 34824
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I'm with vcr1995 on this one - perhaps your new husband should start taking a bigger role in terms of PT conferences, fathers day events etc. Let's see how much he likes it.

I'm really sorry for you - truly make my stomach turn as she was supposed to be your best friend.


ME: BS 33 (now 34)
HIM: WS 33 (now 35)
OW: 22, howorker (now 24)
July 2007: Porn found on computer along with profiles on dating websites.
DDay: January 16, 2012 - suspicious since Dec 2011
Divorced: June 11, 2013

Posts: 209 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Here and There
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 9th (Friday)

The OW does the same stuff to me. My XWH has actually said, "Leave me and our 4 children alone". (Her 2 plus my 2).


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1715 | Registered: Jan 2012
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Thank you all.

My husband has stepped back out of respect for the kids (he would LOVE to be as involved as possible - they are the only 3 children he will have and he loves them like his own) - he never wants to make them feel uncomfortable or caught in the middle. We both see how the kids feel "awkward" about how the OW acts - my 10 year old son has even commented to me that she "tries to act like she's our mom".

I think part of the reason my kids feel so happy and comfortable in our home is that they don't feel manipulated here.

Strongbutbroken - we have joint legal custody but I am primary physical.

Homewrecked2011 - I have been told, verbatim, "we're both going to be completely involved with our 6 kids so you'll just have to accept this" (my 3 plus her 3).

Do they read this in a manual or something?


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Ugh, hoya. Your situation really pisses me off. As a fellow teacher, I understand how you have to maintain an appropriate pattern of professional behavior. The last thing you'd want to do is jeopardize your career or your reputation in any way just because that hussy feels the need to act like she gives a shit about your kids when it's all just a bunch of manipulative BS. I teach in a different district from where my kids attend (and the OW's kids will attend), but teachers talk-- if I behaved inappropriately at my kids' school, it would get back to my colleagues, and I've been through enough without having my professionalism or emotional stability called into question.

I keep taking the high road, which is sometimes really, really hard, but like a previous poster said, at some point, you'll be years in the future, and you'll have achieved the zen state of "meh" as far as the OW is concerned. Keep something else in mind-- your youngest is still a little guy, but you have a pre-teen and a teenager. They're probably not going to be so willing to tolerate her presence as they get older. Obviously, you want your kids to be polite and decent, but I doubt that they'll be quite as acquiescent to her presence when they're older. She may find herself being frozen out by them. They will also likely put the pieces of the puzzle together (like your oldest has) and probably won't be so willing to have her involved.

She sounds incredibly narcissistic. That she could think your kids would want her there (especially without your XWH-- what the hell is that all about?!?!) is incredibly self-absorbed. Sounds like your XWH is getting exactly what he deserves in a partner, but it's a shame that so many innocent kids have to be involved.

(((hoya96)))

p.s.-- I love this blog posting (which is not mine, nor do I know the blogger) about "the cut direct." This is how I plan to treat the Owife once we eventually cross paths. I know that the Owife in your situation seems deliberately obtuse, but maybe you could employ one of these methods if you don't already? Scroll down the page to the second post:

http://www.julietmoore.com/blog/


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Hoya, your OW sounds a lot like mine, although I did not know her before discovery.

She asserted herself at every kid event, parent committee, etc. I felt she was trying to replace me in my kids life.... With my x's blessing. My kids were clueless mostly when younger. My kids were 12,10,&8 at the time. I felt so beaten by these events. Events were a source of anxiety and about how will I get through instead of being about how proud I am of my kid. It sucked.

Once the oldest hit high school (about 3 years after D) I had enough. I vowed I would be there for my kids, put my anxiety on the back burner, and concentrate on my kids. It took a lot of fake it till you make it before the undercurrent changed to her being the one uncomfortable.
The side benefit was my kids relaxing and enjoying their events like they should have all along.

I hate that my kids became a pissing contest between ow/ NW and I - that is exactly what it felt like. If she hadn't overstepped her duties I would not be in the position to claim ownership.

In my situation OW/NW is crazy, wants everyone to think that my kids are hers. When faced with a choice to attend her kids activities or my kids (with me attending) she would choose my kid's event.

OW/NW ' s actions over the last 10 years have led me to believe that her actions are more about making me jealous, than about wanting to be a good stepmom to my kids.

I am presently 10 years from my divorce, last child graduated HS. OW/NW still drives by my house monthly.

I ignored her, THAT makes her crazy. For some reason she has this need to matter to ME. She is my XH's problem-coparenting with him was mine. She is irrelevant to me.

I feel for you. It is a royal pain dealing with crazy people.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

tryingagain74 - thank you for that blog link. I love the cut direct; it IS how I currently act around OW - I can be standing 5 feet from her (and am put in that situation on a regular basis) and it's like she's a ghost. Do not make eye contact. Do not hear words coming out of her mouth. Do not see that there is someone in that physical space. But it was so interesting to read that it was a "formal" Victorian practice!

In my situation OW/NW is crazy, wants everyone to think that my kids are hers. When faced with a choice to attend her kids activities or my kids (with me attending) she would choose my kid's event.

Karem - I could relate to almost every word in your post, but this particularly hit home, since this has happened. You would think with her own 3 children, she would be too busy to be so involved with my kids, but she values "being there" for my kids above her own.

I know it is about me. And everything you wrote struck home. I truly hope that I get to a place where I see it as laughable - it was helpful to read your post because that was exactly my purpose in posting about this...to hear from others who have dealt with this and know I *can* get through this.

Thank you.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Hoya96, I've followed your story for a while because the characters, particularly your exH and ex BFF, really stand out to me as certifiable sociopaths.
My husband and I have talked about pulling the kids out of our school and putting them in public for my sanity - but I don't want their education to suffer because of this woman.

You realize this is EXACTLY what she wants you to do, right? It burns her up inside that your children go to such a prestigious school and are being provided with a top-notch education while her children are not. Add to that the fact that mom is in the same building as the kids each day taking such an active role in their lives and you have a situation that drives wifestress CRAZY. You see, based on your descriptions of her, she is "covetous psychopath" (where "psychopath" actually refers to sociopath). She cannot completely possess the people, qualities and/or things that you possess, despite her best efforts, so instead, she is hell-bent on tearing them down/reducing them to nothing so she no longer has to deal with the internal struggles over the fact that she can not possess those things.
DO NOT let her get away with that! The next time you see her at that school, know that it's because it drives HER crazy that both YOU and YOUR CHILDREN are there everyday.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Also, make no mistake - the fact that you've moved on to a happy, healthy new life drives your ex H crazy. You were supposed to crumble and never recover after he left you for your bff. The fact that your current husband also works at the school and therefore all of you (you, your H, and the kids) live and work in such close proximity threatens to make him (and by proxy, her) irrelevant. How can he stand for that when you're supposed to be the irrelevant one!? What better a way to deconstruct such a quaint and cozy arrangement than to send in what he knows to be your biggest trigger (her)!?
Keep doing what you're doing and know that it makes them itch a hell of a lot more than it's making you itch... it's just a matter of stepping back, outside of your situation, and seeing it and all of the players involved for what and who they are.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Thank you anewday78. It's interesting you say that because my IC, the school counselor, and my (former - I'm off all meds now) psychiatrist that helped me with my PTSD in 2010 all described her behavior as that of a sociopath.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Scanning over this thread I just have one main comment.
She sounds very insecure. Obviously since she was your friend she knows how awesome of a mom you are and she knows what she's up against. She's just pathetically trying her best to amount to what you already are.
You've also shown your strength and survivability by remarrying an amazing, caring man without resorting to stealing him from your BFF.
She knows she will never measure up to you, but she's doing what she can to convince HERSELF that she can.
( I guess I don't see it as her trying to prove anything to you, but only trying to prove to herself and maybe XH that she really is just as good as you. Sad really.)
I know this could be unbearably difficult, but have you thought about killing her with kindness?

Just a thought...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

It's interesting you say that because my IC, the school counselor, and my (former - I'm off all meds now) psychiatrist that helped me with my PTSD in 2010 all described her behavior as that of a sociopath.

I'm sure your therapist recommended the coping strategies you employ for that very reason. The best defense against a sociopath is an emotionless, non-reaction. Do NOT allow her to manipulate you into making concessions (i.e. pulling your kids out of your prestigious school). She's a sad, sorry joke and everybody who matters to you (including your children) know it.
Check out this excerpt from a really great book on the subject, The Sociopath Next Door: http://familypsc.blogspot.com/2008/11/covetous-sociopath.html?m=1

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Hoya, the only thing I would change is talking to your XH about it. He most likely tells her that it bothers you and that fuels her feelings of mattering . Even sociopaths have a need to matter. Your XH replaced you with her-if she can't measure up to your standards? What's to stop him from replacing her with an improved version of you!

Ignore her .... The longer she feels invisible to you. The quicker she will do something outrageous for attention. Then your school will have the information the need to ban her.

Give her enough rope to hang herself, then stand back and watch the self destruction begin.

Don't forget to pass the popcorn

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I suspect her involvement will dwindle to an all-time low as soon as your children reach the teenage years and can manage their own relationships with their father and step-mother. My guess is that they will be more than eager to express their disapproval of their step-mother. At that point THEY will make her feel uncomfortable at events and she will no longer want to participate. Furthermore, their father will not be able to accuse you of parental alienation at that point because he will have to answer to his children for any hassles he visits upon you.
I don't usually encourage bad-mouthing another parent/step-parent; however, in your case I think it's important that you inform your children on who they're dealing with when it comes to their father and step-mother. Now is not the right time for that though. You'll know when it's the right time and that is when the kids (who most likely suspect it now) will completely see the light. They won't want anything to do with either of them.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I think the fact that she knows you don't want her there makes her feel relevant and important. She feeds off of your discomfort. I'm willing to bet if you acted buddy buddy and acknowledged her some of the fun will wear off and she'll disappear. I know you don't want to do this, and it's going to be super tough, but this is where you fake it 'til you make it (or she goes away).


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I'm not sure I agree with this:
I'm willing to bet if you acted buddy buddy and acknowledged her some of the fun will wear off and she'll disappear.
I honestly think you've been handling this the best way possible. When you're dealing with a sociopath, the best thing to do is STAY AWAY. She has you targeted. Remain disengaged. The less she knows about you the better. The more she knows about you and the closer you reel her in, the more and more dangerous she becomes. As the children get a little older, THEY will drive her away - and I don't think you'll have to wait another 9 years for that to happen because your oldest son is already showing signs of resentment towards her. I'd say you have about two more years of this BS before your oldest son begins to express his disdain for his step-mother more freely to her and your ex H. That's when the shit hits the fan FOR THEM. You see, the funny thing about younger siblings is they take cues from their older siblings. The moment your oldest begins to push step-mom away, the two younger children will almost immediately catch on and follow his lead. The beauty of this for you is that THEY will let her know she is not wanted and she can't argue much with that. At this point, your ex H will most likely start playing the parental alienation card but you wont have to worry much about that because it wont actually be YOU that's alienating the younger ones - siblings talk/stick together.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 4:09 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

She sounds very insecure. Obviously since she was your friend she knows how awesome of a mom you are and she knows what she's up against. She's just pathetically trying her best to amount to what you already are.

myperfectlife - several of my girlfriends who know her well (there was a group of us, 6, that were all best friends. They all stopped speaking to her as soon as the affair was disclosed) say the same thing. They say to take it as a "compliment" because I was the only one worth trying to "beat".

anewday78 - I have the sociopath next door. Chilling how close to home it is.

Hoya, the only thing I would change is talking to your XH about it. He most likely tells her that it bothers you and that fuels her feelings of mattering .

Kajem - I do not speak to XH about anything except finances/scheduling. I tried to discuss this a year ago when my younger 2 first came to my school and she (having just married him) starting showing up on campus, but was told to "get over it, she is a parent to our kids and will be involved in their education". I realized then how useless it was, and how truly disordered his thinking is, and haven't engaged since.

My husband and I gather support at the school and rely on our colleagues, but don't ever engage with XH or OW about it.

Regarding how to deal with her - all the professional advice I've sought about this (most notably my IC who began working with me back in 2010 for my 1st Dday) say absolutely do NOT engage. Ever. She feeds off my anguish. I have not spoken to her since the day I found out about the affair and plan to never, ever speak. to her. Even if she's at my children's weddings, grand kids' birthdays, whatever. I will never acknowledge her.

Thank you SO much for all the support. It is so helpful to be heard and validated.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jun 2010
Topic Posts: 32