SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: What are you afraid of
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 9th (Friday)

In terms of my letting go and forgiveness, I am trying to figure out what I am afraid of....

that he will do it again?
that I won't know if he does?
that I will have wished I would have left?

What are others afaid of that gets in your way of reconcilliation?


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 9th (Friday)

That he will stay and think about her anyway.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 9th (Friday)

The illusion of progress.

That any change on his part is temporary or imagined and that I'm caught in complete delusion.

That all this effort and pain is for nothing.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 9th (Friday)

That my unhappiness will make WH look elsewhere for companionship.

That I will lose the desire to continue fighting for my M.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 9th (Friday)

That he's still lying to me, and I'm the naive girl who believes him.

That he doesn't really love me the way I deserve


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Jul 2013
3kids30years
Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 9th (Friday)

All of the above -

Unfortunately.


BS (me) - early 50's
WH (him)- mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling. Still waiting for a timeline.

Married 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day


Posts: 197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
Audrina
Member
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 9th (Friday)

You know what?
I was thinking what to answer but I just realized that...
I don't think I am afraid anymore.

Because I am a survivor and that if he EVER strayed again, I would hand him his shoes.
Just knowing that, empowers me.


Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 260 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
Stillhurt123
Member
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I'm with Audrina...I'm not afraid at all anymore.

Things happen, crazy things happen...but these last couple of years have been so tough...just so tough on me, my kids etc.

This is MY life, MINE...and only I can choose how to spend it.

I'm able to see past this...he does it again, yep it will hurt like an SOB, but hey in reality, it's his loss and it will hurt him more...I have my plan...step by step of how I will leave. It will be quick, like a bandaid and I will survive.

I will not forgive my FWH...nope, I can't. I can accept it, move forward, move beyond. I won't forgive him, I won't forget it. It's in my past, part of our history, it has made us who we are today for better or worse...

Now, keep in mind, my eyes are wide open...I am no fool, we are doing great, he has appeared honest, but I won't put anything past him and I probably never will. I still check his phone once in a while, still check his email, FB etc once in a while. It is something that I will do until I die because it makes me feel better. But I'm not 'afraid' of him doing it again.... I will deal with it if it comes up.


Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I'm afraid of never finding peace again....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4524 | Registered: Dec 2010
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Wasting more of my life.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Wasting more of my life.

Ditto and what Audrina and Stillhurt said.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:41 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 9th (Friday)

that he will open a door to her in guise of the "kids"

that I won't know if he does it again

that I will never stop the spontaneous tears that hit still

that I won't ever have a more than a week I don't think - How could he do this to me? to us?


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 982 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
DancinOnThinIce
New Member
Member # 29873
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 9th (Friday)

That this is just a lull in the storm. Ultimately that this is the best it will ever be. It's not. I was happiest about 5 years before the shit hit the fan. Of all the things, this was the third time. And honestly it was the last I'll ever accept. I never thought I was unworthy until I want a divorce came out of his mouth. I'll never think I'm worthy of his attention again. He's too often proven I'm not. He truly proved it by letting this one teach him that all the things I told him were important were. He planned her proposal. He never did that with me. I've never felt worthy and I probably won't ever.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW
Kids: 3 DD
D Day: 9/23/10
Status: R

I've never been good at sharing. ~ me


Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: dancinonthinice
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 9th (Friday)

That he's lying, not remorseful and will never stop. That I'm wasting my life with someone who doesn't respect me.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
huRtZ413
Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Im afraid i wont have my shit together if and when he does it again....

I want to get through dental hygiene school and get big pay! if i can finish school before it all goes down hill that would be the idea time being ill be just out on the hunt for a high paying job that me and my girls will be fine and not need child support or any effort on his part .


and also that he does it again ....
i want to be married because i love him and for the kids and because im in the middle of trying to establish myself and i want to see where this all goes


-so him leaving, or doing it again!
-me trying to support two little girls with very little money and no credit history .
- me not loving him anymore



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
CLRhope4her
Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 9th (Friday)

He stays because he should love me

He wishes he could go because he does love her

Someday he'll leave and my daughter will be partially raised by OW

I'll be sad forever


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 9th (Friday)

This is a sad thread :/


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4524 | Registered: Dec 2010
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I don't think I am afraid anymore.

Whoever said this hit it on the head.

I went through hell on earth once, I'm not doing it again, not even partially, no day hikes, no approaches to it, no virtual reality trips, no nothing.

One of my greatest fears was of losing my wife, because I not only love her but I value her companionship greatly.

I had a wife before, who I felt the same way about, who left me over new-found religious convictions that I didn't share, and that was just awful. But it was understandable, after all who can compare themselves to God? It's pretty easy to understand someone leaving you for God.

However, tread to the infidelity aspect again, either emotionally or physically doesn't matter, and I'm done that very day.

That was the worst experience of my life, hands down. I'm not being compared to any other man, or woman, (or God for that matter), again, by anyone that I love, and putting up with it for even a shake of time. Start comparing and I start vanishing.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Walking
Member
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

We are not in true reconciliation, we are in not divorcing limbo, at least today.

my fears:
that my WH is settling for me, rather wanting to be with me. That financial issues are what is tying us together.

That ultimately our family will break up because he will never be remorseful and I will never forget.

I'll never feel like me again, I feel hollow.

[This message edited by Walking at 5:23 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Stillhurt, you said it best.

I am afraid of looking back and realizing I lived my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. It may never happen, but he has set the stage for me to think that way.

Im afraid of living my life afraid.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 655 | Registered: Jun 2012
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

You know what?
I was thinking what to answer but I just realized that...
I don't think I am afraid anymore.
Because I am a survivor and that if he EVER strayed again, I would hand him his shoes.
Just knowing that, empowers me.


This ^^^^^^

Although I wouldn't hand him his shoes.... I'd hand him the back of my sweet ass.... as it walks genteelly away from him

I have no fear now and am glad I decided to R as I have no regrets and have a shiny new contrite and remorseful man to show for my troubles.

The man he was pre and during A? You can keep that asshole but this man- the fabulous H he has become? This H doesn't give me any cause to fear.

Hopefully you will be where I am one day and feel no fear.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Thanks to those of you who showed us that we can move away from our fears and live in today. Living a fear filled life is horrible and I don't want to do it anymore.

For me I have needed to recognize what I am afraid of, look it straight in the eyes and know that I want to live a life filled with love instead of fear.

Again, thanks to everyone for sharing.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

Snakes and clowns. After more than one DDay and 3 years of healing myself and ditching my co-dependant ways, I'm not afraid of anything as far as my M or my relationship with my wife goes.
That being said, if she woke me up dressed as a clown, holding a snake, there would be a incident.

Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
CLRhope4her
Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

Thanks Gipper-that made me laugh. Needed that this morning


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2012
melamber
Member
Member # 38591
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Never being "me" again.


D-DAY -22ND OCT 2012
MARRIED 9YRS
ME-31YRS
WH-33YRS
KIDS-THREE -8,5 AND 1
STATUS- ?

Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: uk
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I am well past the fear stage. In the early days, I feared wasting my time. Eventually, I came to accept that trying to put the pieces back together wasn't a "waste" of my time. If my kids were worth trying for, then it wasn't a waste.

I never feared "losing" him. Lord, I often wished he'd just go and stop being so dogged about staying together so I could go on my merry way.

Like others, if it happens again, he gets his walking papers. Game over. I think I would heal and move on quite quickly. Which is hard to explain, because while I love him deeply and am invested in my marriage, I could also readily move on if he were to betray me again. Perhaps this is just differentiation at work. I'm healthy - with or without him.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 12th (Monday)

My biggest fear is that he would do it again and if he did do it again, fully now knowing the agonizing pain an affair causes--well, that would make him a heartless monster--I don't think I could survive the pain again honestly.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 760 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 27