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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I think he forgot visitation...again.
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 9th (Friday)

And we have a court date for the order to show cause. I checked the court website to see if he's been served...it's not posted yet but his lawyer was granted a motion to withdraw as ex-shat's counsel.

I feel sick to my stomach. Like on D-day. Why? I told Teslet yesterday that dad was coming today. Interestingly, he has not said a word about dad today and he was very excited yesterday to go to dad's. Look, I'm going to be honest here, I don't want to text this idiot and ask him if he is coming to get his child. I'm so tired of dealing with him. This is the weekend I let him switch to because of the last time he 'forgot' he had Teslet and scheduled himself to work OT instead. How hard is it to write a fucking date down? How hard is it to check the google-fucking-calendar?
He is hurting his child and he never has to look at the pain on Teslet's face. He never has to watch Teslet suck it up and carry on. He never has to see the resulting tantrums that get set off by nothing. Teslet is so much better off with me. I wish this fucker would go away and never come back. FTG.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4629 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
welcome14
Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 9th (Friday)

((tesla))
No advice, just wanted you to know I heard you and understand. Maybe the lawyer withdrew because he was tired of dealing with the asshat behavior as well, so there's a lot of validation there if true. So, all I got is...
FTG!!


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1198 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 9th (Friday)

That may be what's happening, Tes. He may be doing the slow fade out. It's what I saw with my ex. I think after reading stories here, it's pretty standard MO for a marriage that ended because of infidelity.

And yes, your son is lucky to have you. I don't buy into the crap that it takes two people to successfully raise a child, but it does take at least one loving and committed person who has the child's best interests at heart. That's you i.e. Teslet is ahead of the game.

Teslet is going to see, no matter what you do, who STBXH is. We can buffer it for them until they get older, but sooner or later, they connect the dots.

((Tesla)) Give Teslet a hug. Enjoy your time with him. Rinse and repeat.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 9th (Friday)

FTG. Jagoff.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7647 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I don't want to text this idiot and ask him if he is coming to get his child. I'm so tired of dealing with him.

I get this. Believe me, I do! But instead of framing this as you doing him a favor with the reminder, look at it as doing yourself a favor so you can get off the pins and needles and deal with the weekend starting right now.

Also, not that it would, but if this were discussed in court, given the many available forms of communication available, the expectation is that you use them to communicate. Sharing custody with an idiot is no fun. Just make sure, in every instance, that you are not playing HIS game.

(((hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5821 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 9th (Friday)

He just texted saying that he would be here later tonight to pick up Teslet. So, I guess the crisis has been averted (or delayed).

This guy is incapable of being consistent. His loss.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4629 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 9th (Friday)

CG - you are right. It gets so old. But the whole 'coming up in court' thing is kinda why I try to give the guy a clue.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4629 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Well sure, because in court, if he forgot it would be because you made him forget. You and google conspired to fail him. He had anxiety induced amnesia from you stressing him out. He would have been there if you told him! and/or sent a driver and a personal assistant to see to all the important stuff he needs to do but can't REMEMBER.

Expecting him to do the right thing or remember stuff is so UNFAIR you know.

I have missed seeing you on the boards.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5821 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 9th (Friday)

his lawyer was granted a motion to withdraw as ex-shat's counsel.

IF only it were so easy to withdraw from being the wife.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5821 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 9th (Friday)

IF only it were so easy to withdraw from being the wife.


Thanks, I needed that!


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4629 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 9th (Friday)

FTG - what a fucking ASSHOLE


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2587 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 9th (Friday)

IF only it were so easy to withdraw from being the wife.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9672 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Ugh. If he makes a habit of it, quit mentioning it to teslet, keep an overnight bag ready to go and let his visits be “suprises.” (((tesla and teslet)))

Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I know it happens but I just can't believe it. How can you 'fade' away from your own child?

He has EOW - you think he'd just be itching... dying to see his child.

I get it friend. I'd be heartbroken for my girls. I'd hate the uncertainty. I'd hate trying to manage their expectations in regard to him.

I don't even know what advice to give but I'd be tempted to lock in a time for ALL handovers with a 15m grace period either side. Big changes (ie: from AM to PM from the set time) require 24h notice by text. Last minute changes (ie: car broke down, running late but pickup within however long it takes to get from his place to yours) required by text within 15m either side of your set time.

If he misses the window he misses his weekend. He can still fade if he wants to but you're not on pins and needles for more than 15m and you can better manage Teslet's expectations.

My girls always ask both of us who is going to pick them up the next day. I think it makes them feel secure. I couldn't stand it if he started pulling this shit.

He is helping your case by being a colossal fuckturd but nobody wants this limbo for their kids. Nobody wants their kids to be let down time after time.

((((Tesla))))

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:48 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 9th (Friday)

If he misses the window he misses his weekend.

This sounds good..... but I found it IMPOSSIBLE to enforce. We were doing pick ups in a public place at the time. This meant that the boys knew we were waiting on dad. He would be late. They would get antsy. If I were to try leaving they would panic, fearing to enrage their father, or they would get upset with me for not being more tolerant and patient.

The above scenarios are why I decided to have pick ups and drop offs at my home. He is late. The boys count on him being late and plan things online with friends. He doesn't call or text. He acts amused if the boys call and ask what his ETA is. At least this way our lives are not disrupted by his complete refusal to abide by a schedule.

This is one of those things that even if you get it spelled out to the minute how do you enforce it? No one is going to arrest him for it. You could take him to court ($) for contempt and then what? Most people get tired and/or broke trying to force an asshat into compliance.

Find some way that his behaviors don't yank your chain or teslet's best you can.

slight t/j I can remember getting this type of advice a couple of years ago, and it was NOT what I wanted to hear. Now here I am giving all practical advice. Ha!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5821 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 9th (Friday)

SBB, that's the part that I don't think I'll ever get used to...I've said it before...I hate watching Teslet feel insecure. It's one of the things I will never forgive ex-shat for.

Kiddo just got picked up and usually he is so excited to see dad that we don't get a proper good-bye. I just tell him good-bye a little before...no big deal. Today, while ex-shat was waiting at the door, Teslet hugged me twice and told me he loved me twice. Unsolicited. Sigh. Just rips me up.

Luckily, school is about to start and I won't have to worry about his shitty pick-up routine for much longer. He'll pick Teslet up from school. But we are going to get something in place for next summer...because I don't want to feel like this. I tell you what, dealing with that imbecile is like trying to nail jello to the wall.

ETA: dammit, CG, I don't want to hear that!! Ugh! just so tough for me to deal with and not feel stressed about it.

[This message edited by tesla at 6:12 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4629 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I know! Wouldn't it be nice if Oompa Loompas met him at the door with appropriate consequences for his behaviors!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5821 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 9th (Friday)

This is the super sucky part of all of this. xWH has been slowly seeing less and less of IrishLad. Went from 1 ON a week to EOW (no big deal 2 nights EOW, same amount of time) Then weekends were starting to be skipped. Didn't take him on 4th of July (no worries, we had a blast) now, he will no longer do week long visits in the summer. It astounds me and one time when I took him up for the weekend THEY set up at the time THEY set up, THEY weren't home. THEY forgot. Then they were all pissed caused I waited at oldest son's house until I knew they were home and IrishLad was with them. Yup, this truly sucks.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 9th (Friday)

t/j.......
CG, that would be a wonderful sight to see, Oompa Loompas giving the WS's a dose of reality.


Oooooh, CG make up that Oompa Loompa song for us


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Ok, who can resist?


Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got some cosmic karma for you
Oompa Loompa doompadee dee
If you are a douche you will lose your dignity.
Who do you blame when your life is all shit?
ho wife's a bitch? that's what you get

Who can imagine you'd sink so very low
You're not unique... as we all know
Let's hear an "F. T. G."

Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
Without an assclown your wife will go far
Your kids will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5821 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Coraline
Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I'm sorry, tesla. He just sucks. I'm glad at least that the school year will make it easier.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, August 9th (Friday)

tesla, I don't know why, but I picture your ex-shat as this guy who is constantly lying on an old, overstuffed brown plaid couch with a beer bottle dangling from his hand and his head encircled by a thick haze of smoke from his bong. As he stumbles toward the kitchen to get some Cheetos because his stripper whore isn't getting them fast enough to satisfy his munchies, he thinks to himself, "Wuz I supposda do somethin' today?" He scratches his belly, encased in a stained, white t-shirt, and rubs his hand through his rather unwashed hair, making it stand on end. Clearly unable to think with his two brain cells, he grabs his snack and stumbles back to the couch, stuffing Cheetos in his mouth while he watches [insert the most inane TV show you can think of] and while you wonder why he hasn't picked up his son yet.

I'm not surprised that he forgets visitation. He sounds like an entitled teenager who thinks that his life should be an unending vacation filled with drugs, booze, and illicit sex. There isn't much room in there for parenting or being responsible, and that's why he's with the stripper whore and not you. She still thinks his behavior is cool, while you knew it was best to get yourself and your son away from a manchild who will likely never grow up and be the father and husband that he ought to be for his family.

Sorry that there wasn't any advice there-- just affirmation that you're a good mom and that you are so much better off without his toxic presence in your everyday life.

(((tesla and teslet)))

Oh, and FTG.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 9th (Friday)

CG Awesome.

((((((Tesla)))))). ((((((((((Teslet)))))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5081 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

CG - Best. Song. Ever. I can hear them singing it in my head, too.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2514 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

CG - why you gots to make me spit my coffee all over the keyboard? Love it!

Trying, he's actually a pretty in shape guy...but everything else sounds about right. I had to hold in my laughter when I opened the door because he's trying to grow a beard and mustache. (Or maybe he's just too lazy to shave.) He's half Asian and cannot grow any facial hair...it looked so scraggly and sad. Plus he's growing his hair out long but I've noticed that his hairline is receding...he kind of looks silly to me.

Oh and amusing story...one time Teslet came home saying that dad said he should grow his hair out long like daddy. I told Teslet that when he could grow a beard that he could grow his hair long too. Wonder if Teslet makes a comment on his dad's ability to grow facial hair this weekend.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4629 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Ha ha ha! My XWH can't grow any facial hair either! I guess I hit the nail on the head when I describe our exes as manchildren!

ETA: Mine also has the receding hairline although he isn't trying to grow it out. If he did, it wouldn't grow long; it would grow out in a big puff like a cotton ball. Actually, I think I'd pay to see that.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:08 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

I have heard that those with NPD tend to fade out of their children's life, esp when their ego kibbles that they get tend to fade off, or if they found a new source for their ego kibbles. It's sad for the kids really.

My ex hasn't seen my daughter since July 15th. He owes me both CS and daycare, and has now gone into hiding, not answering texts or emails. Luckily for me, I don't think she's that attached to him. It would break my heart to watch her be heartbroken by him.

It is sad for your boy, really, but I think he's not falling for his snake-charming anymore.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

I'm sorry Tesla. I hope you are now enjoying a quiet weekend.

<If he misses the window he misses his weekend.>


This sounds good..... but I found it IMPOSSIBLE to enforce. We were doing pick ups in a public place at the time. This meant that the boys knew we were waiting on dad. He would be late. They would get antsy. If I were to try leaving they would panic, fearing to enrage their father, or they would get upset with me for not being more tolerant and patient.

The above scenarios are why I decided to have pick ups and drop offs at my home. He is late. The boys count on him being late and plan things online with friends. He doesn't call or text. He acts amused if the boys call and ask what his ETA is. At least this way our lives are not disrupted by his complete refusal to abide by a schedule.

This is one of those things that even if you get it spelled out to the minute how do you enforce it? No one is going to arrest him for it. You could take him to court ($) for contempt and then what? Most people get tired and/or broke trying to force an asshat into compliance.

Find some way that his behaviors don't yank your chain or teslet's best you can.

slight t/j I can remember getting this type of advice a couple of years ago, and it was NOT what I wanted to hear. Now here I am giving all practical advice. Ha

^^^
I could have written this entire post word for word! It has been my life for the last 8 years. Very true. You just find a way to deal with it. Sucks though.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2011
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

CG... Best Oompa Loompa song EVER!!

Tesla, you are a great mom and Teslet knows he can rely on you. Asshat makes his own relationship with Teslet and over the years you will both see how important that relationship is to Asshat. They make their own karma sad to say. You and Teslet will be fine.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Hi tesla, sorry to hear you and teslet are still dealing with asshat. I love tryingagain74's description.

t/j My X is Asian with hardly any facial hair too, and it's actually a concern for me when I start dating. I have sensitive skin and he's the only guy who ever didn't leave beard burn all over my face. :)


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I hear you Tesla. I know exactly how infuriating this is and heartbreaking it watching your boy hurt.

My exwh does this EOW. My ex flouts the court orders and does what he damn well pleases. Our court orders state he has to pick up our son from my home at 4pm every other Friday. I have to email every. single. week requesting time for pick up. I get a variety of answers or no answer. This week, I get an email saying 4pm as court order states why are you keep asking. My reply if I could rely on you been there at 4pm every single pick up I wouldn't have to ask. Our son needs to know what time he can rely on his father to pick him up. He turned up at 6.15pm. My kid was so angry and hurt yet again. I dread the anxiety meltdown from my kid every single visitation. There is not a thing I can do as I can't afford to take him back to court. I wish he would just fade out. He starts to do this and then suddenly becomes interested in the kids again, it hurts more this way for everyone.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Just saw this now.
Tesla, he is such an ass. FTG.
I have tried to keep visitation details from my girls when I'm not sure if ex will really follow through.
That sometimes backfires. They weren't ready to go with him this weekend (only for a few hours to a street fair).
He then called me with one DD melting down that she was bored and wanted to come home. She said she didn't know they were going there and there was nothing to do etc.
So trying to sheild them from dissapointment if he didn't show up backfired on me because they weren't prepared to go.

I know that eventually they will figure him out. They know he's not reliable and they know the OW comes first.
They are 9. Testlet is 4?

Poor little guy.
I hope he's feeling better back with you now.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 8:47 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 32