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Reconciliation
User Topic: triggers and mind movies.
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Okay...so we all have triggers and mind movies surrounding our spouses adulterous behavior. That fact helps me to normalize this feeling. I appreciate that.

Real life triggers suck...but I can draw a parallel to what caused them and do something about it....either avoid them or engage them consciously. Most of the time I engage them...learned to NOT do this aggressively, but have learned to sit with a trigger for a while and feel it. I have parked out by the farm house where their sex took place. I go under the overpass that leads to that farm house twice a day on my travels to and from work...etc. I can handle them well now.

Triggers caused by nothing external, meaning like the farm house or the over pass or an adultery scene in a cute romantic comedy, or some other concrete example of why my mind would trigger, are tougher for me to handle.

Last night I was in the living room reading a car magazine and lightly interacting with my two daughters...wife in kitchen...totally chilling from a fast busy week at work...just got back from a casual dinner out with my family.

All of a sudden I was watching my wife give head to her pudgy AP. I could not shake it. I did not have any warning of it coming. I literally could not see the magazine I was reading. I could hear my daughters playfully interacting...but that somehow made me more angry.

I retreated to our bedroom....a few minutes later my wife asked if I was okay. I told her I felt angry and needed some time to myself.


We fought after our girls were asleep.

Miserable night.

Anyone have any similar experiences and tips on how they recognized these types of triggers and mind movies?

God be with me.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:13 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

We fought after our girls were asleep.

What did you fight about?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36918 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Initially started about the fact that my wife fell asleep while tucking the girls in. This was a point of conversation (about a month ago) regarding how we will interact more intentionally from this point forward. We agreed we would not fall asleep with our girls or on the couch in the evening so that we could have some alone time together.

It appears to be a common theme that to R within a marriage...alone time is required. Our easiest alone time is from the time girls get to bed and 11:30 at night...our agreed ending point for conversation (experience showing us we are too tired to be productive after that time).

But, unfortunately, my agitation from the earlier trigger was still residing in me....and when it appeared to me that my wife was rejecting our time together my agitation grew back up into anger....then when she used the F word within minutes of our interaction my anger moved into rage.

That, in a nut shell, is what happened last night.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:30 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Sorry kinda off topic. We kept trying to force alone time at night after the kids were in bed. We too figured it was the most logical. Inevitably one of us would be exhausted to really talk or fall asleep with the kids. We would get frustrated. "If he/she cared enough they would make sure our time happened, it must not be that important to him/her."

We found that early morning actually worked out better and easier to commit to. Coffee, conversation, and prayer are great to start the day with.. If we end up getting the time at night as well it is a bonus. And since night time no longer feels like a responsibility it tends to happen more often.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

Thanks Chico.

I am torn on scheduling vs letting it happen or not happen. I am torn because before the affair we operated in the....let it ride...mode of operation....and didn't really work out well for us. Wife is really not a morning person...and one of my daughters is (the one who is extremely in tune with us trying to be alone (knock knock...can I come in)...we lightly discussed this as an option for alone time...and .

We have both agreed an intentional approach to our marriage is needed...as well as clear priorities in our life....God, us, our kids, everything else.

I also see parts of my wife clinging to her feeling that she and I never had the animal attraction she had with her AP. Believe me when I say that I am acutely aware of how scheduling intimate time will never reconcile this feeling within her...and may actually confirm it even more firmly within her. So which is the lesser of two evils? why are my choices even considered evil?

Back to my original inquiry with this post.


Anyone have these non-physical reminder triggers happening to them? If yes, how did you process them? If no.....well then.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:47 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

We don't let anything slide at all anymore. We don't leave it until another time and for now, down time is a luxury.

Since I have changed when I deal with triggers and motion pictures, now I do it immediately instead of even waiting an hour, we find we have more time later on to relax. My husband is fine with this because my mind can take something in very horrible directions and the work involved to return from that abyss is so much more then if we talk immediately. Because of this there is lots more down time.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

The schedule/no schedule is a constant bone of contention with FWH and me. We tend to not be very disciplined that way, but inevitably we end up up too late, exhausted and angry after our son goes to sleep around 10.

The mind movie thing is tricky, but like other unwanted or obsessive thoughts, you have a few options. You can "uninvite" pudgy AP from your mind. This happened to me the other day when I was biking on a trail I knew my H and his AP ran on during their "courtship." I thought, you know -- this is MY beautiful day and MY trail and I will not give it up -- not for someone else's sordid story.

Now, if the thought is out of the blue (and I get those too -- hate them) then you can do something ridiculous to him (my preference is kicking AP in the face, ala Bruce Lee) but something forceful and pointed might let your mind move on.

Or, you can do as the buddhists do and just know that it is in your mind's nature to project disturbing images sometimes. (i.e. monkey mind). Know that it will pass like a cloud eventually if you don't let it have any weight. I know, easier said than done. I get the sense that you are thinker blakesteel -- sometimes those crap images are that - just crap. They will eventually go away.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Bionicgal...thanks for the nice almost fun post to me. I see that eve though this trigger comes to me in a different way....the same principals w dealing w it can and should be similar.

I think the 10 year old blakesteele was front and center when I felt and posted that these triggers were soooo different.

Your post nudged me enough to move up the maturity scale.

Loved the Bruce lee suggestion! I pray you are in a good spot today.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Anyone have these non-physical reminder triggers happening to them? If yes, how did you process them? If no.....well then.

1 trigger would happen throughout the day, everyday for longer than I would like to admit. Although I never saw it happen, mentally I would see him going down on the OW. It was beginning to consume me. So when that trigger image would start, mentally (in a firm voice) I would say NO and force it out of my head. Over time, the frequency of seeing the image decreased.


Posts: 34670 | Registered: Mar 2011
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

This is complete TMI but since we've been HB, I've felt a lot closer to him and therefore more open. So now when I get those nasty mind movies, I try to change it up and picture him doing it to me.

The only thing I still have a hard time with is when I picture her giving him oral sex. It was never a big thing with us in 13 years b/c he told me he couldn't orgasm that way. I never saw that as a challenge, she obviously did and it worked. Not sure how to get over that one.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

AML - I am with you on the subbing thing. I even do that with songs now. Instead of hearing them as being about them (and having it hurt), I hear them as being about us -- even if there is cheating in the song. (Since, in a sense, I am the OW to her.) I imagine her jealousy instead of mine. (She was intensely jealous of me.)

I figure, living well is the best revenge.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Bionic-I just started doing that too!!!! Songs would come on and I would imagine him thinking of her but now I picture him thinking of me :)

Oh and to the subject of scheduled vs non, I am in a place where I usually bring it up whenever I need to. We hang out every night after DS goes to bed as an effort to just be closer. We always used to do our own thing and then (before dday) when I started making an effort to interact with him, he would be on the recliner on his phone and I would be on the couch. I still have a hard time seeing him over there, especially if he has his phone. It doesn't happen often anymore because he knows.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 12