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User Topic: ashley madison
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

my husband spent hundreds of dollars on ashely madison going on 4 dates- he says he never had sex, just took them for dinner- he also had an online affair with what turned out to be a scammer, all of this happened in july 2013.. he spent almost 4000 over the month.. I feel sick, depressed, do not want to do anything.. we fight all the time.. I am obsessed with all the details.. has anyone else had an experience with ashley madison.. it is a very immoral site.. how could he spend so much money on there...

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

I haven't had an experience with that specific website (that I know of...) but it makes me cringe every time I hear of that website.

My partner did some soliciting on criagslist and spent A LOT of money on weekend trips with random women and some Long Term Affairs. He also frequented some Swinger Websites and One Night Stand apps on his phone.

Have you gone to any sort of therapy?

[This message edited by Schilling at 12:10 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 10th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry, dargirl. You're not alone, there are a lot of people here who have been through a very similar situation.

I wouldn't believe the "no sex" thing at this point and I would protect yourself. You both need to get tested for STD's, and until you've had more time to suss out exactly how much of the story he's giving you I would be very careful. AM isn't usually where people go to bake cupcakes and discuss literature.

The weekends are a little slow but I'm sure members with direct experience will be along soon to share and help.

Sending hugs.

(((dargirl)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16307 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I'm sorry dargirl. It's really hard to wrap your head around something that was so out of your realm of possibility that could happen to you. Jrazz is right. AM is there for the specific purpose of hooking up for sex and having gone on 4 dates its highly unlikely there was no sex. The amount of money spent speaks for itself. Check your banks records, phone records, credit card statements. That may give you a good start for finding information.

My H used Craigslist & Backpage. Vile & evil sites of any definition. We are almost 6 months out from discovery & now I know this kind of activity started way before the convenience the Internet provides.

Please see your Dr. ASAP for a full panel STD screening. He needs to do the same and dont have sex with him until you see his results on paper! He will tell you anything to cover his ass right now. I say this gently...please prepare yourself for more. It's highly unlikely that this just started a month ago.

Call first thing Monday am to start finding a counselor who specializes in infidelity. It is invaluable to helping you reclaim your life. Don't believe anything he says right now. He is in damage control mode & will say whatever he thinks you want to hear. Always remember that cheaters lie! Always!

How long have you been together? Any children? Your priority right now is you. Don't try to comfort him or "be there" for him. He will try to turn the tables to suggest its partially your fault. It isn't! You may not have been perfect but you had nothing to do with this, protect yourself.

Eat when you can but, work on drinking plenty of fluids to stay hydrated. Your body is under tremendous stress right now and needs nourishment so you can think as clearly as possible.

I hate anyone has to know this pain and I'm so sorry you have to be here but, you will never find more support than you can get here. The people here know your pain and have so much insight and good advice so please kept posting. Feel free to pm me if I can help you in any way!

(((dargirl)))


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2013
nestlee
Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I'm sorry but your husband is be very untruthful. My H was on Ashley Madison and lonely house wives. It's all about hooking up..cause their modo is..life's to short ..so have an affair. When I caught my H on these sites. I confronted him..showed him the Emails..he lied ..lied..and denied. And sorry to say....I still haven't heard the truth. Put your foot down..tell him U want the truth..or he can get out. Good luck.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
Phoenix9572
Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Another victim of AM here too. My hubby was on 3 different sites. He drove an hour away one day to hook up during his work day. He has clients in this town so at first it wasnt weird but then other details didn't add up. Mine claims that the girl stood him up and that she sent him a time stamped video of her masterbating at the time they were supposed to be together. I'm learning more and more that there is something not quite right in his head/way of thinking. We have our problems but this compulsion is not because of me - it's something inside of him.
Sorry that you are dealing with all this hurt and confusion. I thought these sites were behind us but I caught him again just a week ago. We are both in IC and MC so hopefully we can work through this but it is a different animal than a LT AP. At least that's the way it feels on my side.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I believe my STBX was on AM, as the computer forensics guy I hired told me he found memberships for local dating websites for married people.

You need to take off your rose-colored glasses, Hon. People do not sign up for AM and go out on AM dates only to have a fine dining experience. There is only one reason for AM, and that is to screw people with no strings attached. If your husband went on dates, he was also having some form of sexual contact. I'm so sorry. You need to understand that cheaters lie. They lie in order to make the cheating possible, then they lie to keep you from finding out. They lie when caught so the full extent of their cheating isn't revealed. You are being gaslit.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 6:21 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9237 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

^^^^^^^
What Nature_Girl said- he did not spend 4000.00 for dinners....

Posts: 292 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I just read your profile. I am so sorry. You need to get yourself tested immediately for all STD's. You need a full blood, urine and PAP testing to screen for everything, including Hep C. Furthermore, you need to repeat some of the tests in several months. If you two engage in hysterical bonding you need to make sure he's wearing a condom. Your health is at risk. I'm so sorry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9237 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I will tell you my experience.

My XWH met his now "Owife" (what we call the OW who then becomes the wife) on AM. He told me all sorts of lies at first. He said that he "only" signed up for cybersex and that they "only" met in person a couple of times. He then said that they "only" kissed once, and then he pushed her away since he realized it was wrong.

Well, that was nothing but TT (trickle truth) because when I finally started grilling him, the story became this:

They met on AM, started meeting IRL to have unprotected sex on many occasions over the course of several months, and it only came to a temporary halt because I discovered it.

You need to get tested for STDs. I thought that my ex had just made a stupid mistake. Instead, I learned that he put my health in jeopardy and had spent at least several hundred dollars of our money (and that's only what I could trace-- there could have been much more in cash or on secret credit cards) on his A.

Take care of yourself. It was devastating for me to learn about my then-husband's involvement with AM. It is a truly disgusting site frequented by immoral, narcissistic people. My XWH's deliberate, premeditated choice to frequent AM was a huge factor in my leaving him. While no A is more or less painful than another, there's something very cold and calculating about a person who makes up his/her mind to have an A before even meeting an AP.

(((dargirl)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 12th (Monday)

thank you for all of your support- my husband is going to a councellor specializing in sex addiction and also started going to S.A.A I did go to a councellor who said he did not support victimization.. WHAT??? IF I am not a victim what am I?? I was the perfect wife.. I know some say that .. but I really worked hard to be it...
I start with new councellor this week - hope she can help me through this.. I hope I am not wearing rose coloured glasses.. I do beleive that he did not have sex with these women.. he swears he did not..
am I really being stupid?? he even told his councellor he did not have sex.. he told the councellor that he just wanted the attention in the end..
I want my marriage to work and get through this..
we do not have kids together..
he is 15yrs older than me, and has 4 grown kids, and 5 grandkids... I have two grown kids of my own.. I am 48yrs old..
have checked all the paper trails..
he did alot of talking online...
erotica site, AM , he bought girlie magazines,
am I being nieve???

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, August 12th (Monday)

If he didn't have sex or engage in sexual activity, he's the one person, the only person, who found dates via AM & CL and didn't get laid. There is only one reason to go on AM or CL. If you're looking DATE and need attention, then there are all kinds of dating sites like match.com, eharmony, OKCupid, POF, and so forth. AM, CL, AFF and others exist for an entirely different reason - no strings sex.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9237 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NedsBones
New Member
Member # 40132
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

My WH used AM among many other apps. I think I counted 27 of these types of apps when I searched his digital trail.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I totally get the obsession over details. Just today I took his secret email addresses and apps off of my phone bc I was checking them obsessively. If I have to come to my computer to look I'm less likely to do it all day.
I don't know if it's recommended, probably not, but when I found out I took xanax for two days straight and went through as much of the information as I could find. I read all the messages, talked to many of his sex partners, and watched all the videos and pictures sent back and forth in a drug induced haze. Like I said, not very healthy, but I knew I needed to see it all.
Try to give yourself a break on the details for a few hours if you can't get through a whole day. The process of discovery is exhausting. You can revisit it later.
I'm sorry you're here, but keep posting. It helps.


Me BW (31)
Him WH (31)
Married 4 years, coupled 5 years
3 year old son
DDay 7/28/2013 6:14 am

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Oklahoma
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

last night was not a good night- I told my husband that I was on this site and that others thought that IF you are on AM you are having sex- he freaked out.... he swears he did not have sex, he went on dates, spent $$ on dinner, I saw the $ on the credit card bills, he said he DID not have sex over and over again.. he then threatened to have his pay cheques sent to another account that I could not get in to...
he said he was working everyday to do good things taking it day by day but my questions on details is driving him crazy... I am a little obsessed I know.. I feel like IF I know all the details that he is then finally telling me all the truth..he went on 4 dates.. and had another scheduled but I came home and he missed that one.. he said that he probably would have had sex with the girl on the 5th date.. she was very much into going to hotel .. his councellor told him that why would you spend so much money and then not get sex.. he said he just wanted to pretend that he was the big guy.. he wanted attention.. he wanted to feel like a big wig.. the first date was with a girl who helped him setting up his am site, he is not very good with the computer..
he felt like he owed her a dinner.. she also asked for gas for car feel like she was taking advantage.. the second one was breakfast at ihop with this very young girl.. he felt like he could have been her grandfather.. he is 62... she was in her 20s.. he said it was the longest hour.. he felt sick being there.. the third one was at the ritz for dinner.. only last an hour.. then they parted.. he said she wanted him to call her but he never did.. the fourth date was a real estate person who after dinner needed to meet clients.. she dropped him at the metro.. he said he always felt badly when goig for dinner and did not even want to be there.. he felt sick.. he said.. he swears on the bible his moms grave and his kids that he DID not have sex with anyone.. he will not go to get tested for disease because he feels like it would be a waste.. not sure what to believe.. I want to obviously believe him...
I want so badly for our marriage to work.. been together 14yrs and married 11yrs..
he admits to having a sex addiction and is getting help re going to councelling and going to the sex AA- he is also going to church and reading the bible daily.. how can I move from this rut and move forward.. all of this happened exactly a month ago ...
I never knew there were so many women looking to date married men.. he has not had access to the computer re internet.. he works with government and not able to log onto anything at work..
he really says that he is working on moving forward and loves me.. sorry for the book....
need some advice and encouragement please help.. feeling very depressed and sad

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Dargirl, I am so sorry for what you are going thru.

When I saw your post, I had to log in. I beg you not to believe a word of what he is saying. He is lying.

At this moment, YOU have the upper hand in this situation. You must be strong and INSIST on his being tested, and INSIST on complete truth. And sadly, the only way he is going to believe you mean business is for you to see a lawyer, kick him out and start the 180. Now, that said, none of what I have mentioned can not be undone if he should finally come clean, and you decide to R. But for now, you must take harsh and definitive action, and you can NOT back down until he has satisfied your requirements to for R.

For him to refuse to be tested for STD's is despicable. Even if what he has been telling you is the truth, and he has not had sex, then why not be tested if it would make you feel better? By refusing he is telling you he does not value your health or sanity. He is behaving like a pig. Treat him as such.

A lawyer needs to advise you on what your rights are in the event of D. You must protect yourself financially as well as physically. Men do not spent the amount of money he has spent, and not get something for it. In your profile you mentioned he had an A 5 yrs ago, why do you believe what he is saying now? Cheaters lie sweetie. And lie, and lie, and lie some more.

You MUST get angry, and take the reins in this situation.

If he values you and the marriage, he WILL comply with everything you are asking. If he does not, then you have your answer.

Get strong. Get mean. And do NOT believe his bullshit.

Oh, and by the way, you have the right to ask, and expect answers to every single question you have even if you ask them 1000 times a day. And if he is truly remorseful, he will answer.

Don't accept anything less.

Again, I am so sorry.

Strike now while the iron is hot. If you let the TTing go on now, and accept his bullshit you will NEVER get answers. It will only continue, and get more and more difficult.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry.
Have you asked him to show you his profile and emails? If he has nothing else to hide maybe that will help prove it.
I know the feeling of wanting so badly to believe... I was phoned by OWH to tell me about the A. When I talked to H he denied and I *almost* believed him. Seems crazy now.
Anyway, I hope you get to the bottom of it and find some peace.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

My wife was on AM for 20 months. It isn't a dating site, unless you consider no strings attached sex dating. Of course, my wife was basically "dating" the one guy for 16 months. I second the suggestion that if he still has it, he give you full access to his AM account. Unfortunately, unless the save messages they only go back 30 days, but my wife had hundreds of conversations in her e-mail. They also can chat through the site. Most people set up a secret e-mail account to communicate with once they've met someone so that they don't have to log in to AM to communicate. My wife had a secret gmail account, secret mail.com account, and secret Yahoo messenger account that I wasn't aware of that she used to set up her dates. She also used our home phone, since we had unlimited calling we didn't have itemized billing (how convenient!). I would expect full transparency from him - it's likely he has secret accounts that you are aware of. My wife said she didn't have sex either when I caught her. That story evolved horrifically over time. The real truth was devastating. If he did have sex, then he is probably trying to minimize it. One thing you might want to do is get the contact information of the women he was hooking up with and tip off their husbands that their wives are putting their health, finances, and family in jeopardy. I wish someone would of told me.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3740 | Registered: Dec 2011
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Oh, and until you are solidly in R, do NOT give him info about this website. He will use it against you. And by all means do NOT give him your user name, or leave your account logged in when you are away from your computer.

There is something you can do to help get more info on whether or not it was sexual. PM me if you want more ideas.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

when I found out he signed on the to the AM site and we deactivated it, I also found more sites he had profiles and saw his yahoo account and deactivated it too, his computer at home has been out of commission I erased all the history too, he works for government and cannot go online there except for work, his emails are checked by security, the other sites were sexsearching.com friendfinder.com sex finder.com too..
very sad.. he is so bent on that he is telling me the truth.. he only wanted attention but admits that IF I did not come home he had a fifth date and would have probably had sex with her because she was hot and heavy about going to hotel... but he wanted to take her to dinner first..
he spend on average $200 per dinners each time.. except for the breakfast at ihop only $30...
I am so lost right now.. thank you all for your support... very mixed up and he is getting really angry that I keep on this... he wrote pages the other day of what he wanted in a marriage.. pages and pages.. of love notes.. I love this man...

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

It's no ok for him to get angry.

In my experience, anger was a defensive reaction when he was hiding info. Once he came clean and fully realized what he had done the anger left him like a sigh. So far it hasn't returned.

I think you need to put your foot down about the anger. It is his way of bullying you into not talking about the A's. Tell him if he raises his voice or acts angry he can march his sorry butt right out of the house.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. :(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

...he admits to having a sex addiction and is getting help re going to councelling and going to the sex AA- he is also going to church and reading the bible daily.. how can I move from this rut and move forward.. all of this happened exactly a month ago ...

Dargirl, this garbage doesn't even make sense. His excuses and lies are all over the place and aren't even rational. I also have my doubts that his 'counselor' is a certified sex addiction professional. I'd look into that if I were you.

First, he claims (as most of them do when they're caught with their pants down and want to shift the blame elsewhere) that he's a "sex addict." Nothing new, there. Most of them claim that, it seems. It's just too convenient NOT to. YET, at the same time, he'd have you believe that ALL his 'dates' were just innocent dinner dates with women he claims he couldn't get away from fast enough the moment the check came. He also claimed that he never touched any of them. All his dinners were as pure as the driven snow.

So which is it?

One can't be a 'sex addict' if all they're doing is supposedly going to innocent dinners with platonic female friends. It just doesn't make sense, Dargirl.

He can't be both. I think you need to dig a lot more to get to the truth.

Lastly, I'm sorry you find yourself here and I wish you much strength in dealing with this crappy hand you've been dealt.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:21 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I am not working, canadian citizen, just got my green card, his pension comes here and his government money comes to a joint account.. he threatened last night to change all monies to his own account which he would open and I would have nothing .. he is like jenkyl and hyde, he freaks out and gets all crazy.. I am afraid he is going to fall back into this craziness and really go out and have an affair - he is going to spend more money.. and then there is NO chance of ever working this out.....very sad

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

honey - gently - he's already had an affair..... maybe multiple.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Please see a lawyer. I have no idea what the laws are in Canada, but there are many Canadians on this site you can reach out to.

He refuses to be tested for STD's and then threatens to leave you penniless, and you love this man? His 'love' letters are bullshit if he then threatens you.

Oh, and if you have not yet been tested for STD's please do so immediately.

If I were you, I would quit talking to him for now. Read up on the 180, start making copies of all financial paperwork, and consult with a lawyer.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I have to believe him.. he swears on his kids lives... and the councellor is one I picked out who specializes in sex addiction- I go for councelling tomorrow with new councellor.. losing it...

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

dargirl,

They will swear on all that is holy to get you to believe that black is really white. He is not who you think he is. He is a lying cheater on the verge of being outed. He will lie about anything that may help him get out of this. His threatening you is another terrible red flag. Threatening and the display of anger are designed to throw you off balance and make you second guess yourself. Don't fall for it. Cheaters lie!

You don't have to believe anthing he says. Cheaters lie! You know somethings not right otherwise you would have not come to this site to voice your concerns. Load your computer in the car and leave the house. Call him and tell him you are on the way to have the hard drive analzyed. See what he says then. If it's true that he hasn't done anything then he won't care but, I think his behavior will be painfully obvious if he sees that you could actually have hard evidence. Cheaters lie!!!! Believe it honey! Sadly, it's so true!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2013
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I recently found out that WH was on AM too. It hurts and it's a terrible thing to learn, but I have to agree with the other posters here. You don't go on that site just to have dinner. And him not telling you the whole truth and saying he's going to move his paycheck makes it sound like he isn't remorseful and isn't working to recover. So I would highly recommend that you go to individual counseling and marriage counseling and that you make a plan to leave. If he turns around and becomes remorseful (truly remorseful), then you could consider staying. But if not, then you should go. Living with someone like that is no life. I'm living it now and many days wish that I had left long ago.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

These guys would sell their own mothers for a quarter if they thought they get away with their dirty deeds.

Him swearing on your kids and everything else that is holy means nothing.

NOTHING.

Mine swore on his own mother's life - and the woman was battling CANCER and her prognosis at the time was unknown!!! His own mother, for the love of God.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

very sad.. going to councelling tomorrow .... feel so lost..and depressed.. sleeping all day, not eating.. overwelmed

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

My husband swore on our children's lives. He swore on his mother's grave. He cried out to the skies for God to strike him dead with a bolt of lightning.

He still was cheating. I believed the drama & histrionics for years. I mean, who could act like that if they weren't telling the truth? How could a grown man cry & sob like that if he wasn't utterly devastated & feeling genuine remorse?

It was all an act, carefully calculated to disorient me and get me back in line.

My husband went to men's Bible studies. He can quote the Bible to you. He can make it sound like he's a repentant Christian. He now attends a Christian/faith-based group for male sex addicts.

It's all a lie. There is no fruit of the spirit. He can white-knuckle his behavior long enough to get anyone to think he's a changed man. Only he isn't a changed man. He's just learned new tricks to make it seem like he is.

Hon, I can tell you're not ready to face the truth of your life. You're not ready, and that's okay. I wasn't ready for many years. I rugswept, I gaslit myself. I stayed for years. I refused to deal with the truth because I couldn't handle it.

When you're ready you'll know it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9237 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
1devastedmom
Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

My WS also swore on our children's lives. Said he never did anything was just bored and curious. He is (was) a decon at our church, taught bible study. He got extremely angry and mean when I kept questioning him, said I would drive him to cheat because I kept telling him that I didn't believe. Wasn't until I found text messages from the last hooker he was with that he admitted then found out it has been going on for fifteen years! My WS said he never would have told me. Trust your gut and what these people are saying.

I will say that he is now a changed man and is so remorseful so there is a chance you just have to get the truth or you will always wonder.



Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

how do I move forward with this sex addict and lier? feel like my best friend and partner just stabbed me in the back so many times I cannot get up

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Sweetie. Be easy on you. This is not your fault. This has NOTHING to do with you. The man you thought you married was a fake. Or at the very least he is no longer the man you fell in love with.

Please protect you. Go see a lawyer ( find out your rights). Go see a dr and get tested. Read up on the 180. Protect yourself. He could care less about you, the only thing he is sorry for is being caught. If you play the good wife and shut up ten he wins. Don't do it. Demand the respect you deserve.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

feel like my best friend and partner just stabbed me in the back so many times I cannot get up

dargirl,
We hear you, and we know. It is a physical pain and it's awful. But it won't last forever. You will survive this and come out the other side and be happy again.
Do you have family and friends you can call on for support? Maybe someone that can come live with you for awhile and keep you company?

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 9:16 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

how do I move forward with this sex addict and lier? feel like my best friend and partner just stabbed me in the back so many times I cannot get up

You need to take care of yourself. Right now don't concern yourself with moving forward with him. Concern yourself with just your self. You're going to need a lot of excellent IC. I know some here will tell you it must be via a CSAT. I'm here to tell you that an excellent IC relationship can be had with a non CSAT. My IC is not a CSAT, and I think anyone here who's known me in the couple years I've been here can tell you that I've undergone significant growth & healing thanks to my IC (and my own willingness & determination to get better).

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. You've been through a relational trauma, it's gonna take time to work through that. Obviously you picked a winner to marry, and then you stayed with him, so you're gonna need a lot of time to work through that & figure out what went wrong with your sense of reality that caused you to be where you are now.

Choose to use this time of crisis to change your life for the better. No matter if you end up staying with him or moving on via divorce, you are facing a major life choice. You can choose to remain the person you are, rugsweep everything away, pretend everything is fine, and carry on. Or you can choose to jump off the cliff into a new understanding of yourself, your world, your beliefs, your past. It's a huge leap of faith that if you decide to jump, you will be able to eventually land on your feet & begin your life again.

Work on yourself. The only person in your life you can change is yourself.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9237 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

thank you for all of your support, I am so sad I cannot even see the light, I have no energy to work on myself at this point.. I told my councellor yesterday that I loved him.. she said why? I said he was so good to my kids, a really good step dad, they are all grown up now 24 & 27, I have no friends locally that I can rely on or talk too... I just moved here under a year ago and not working have not met many people.. it seems he just wants me to move forward.. he left today telling me to have a really bad day.. he is angry that I keep asking questions and he is angry that I am as he says NOT moving forward.. had phone calls yesterday from girls he called.. I looked up phone records from month ago and he was going crazy.. calling calling calling girls.. he says he never had sex ... he always wanted too but chickened out.. he admitted to having phone sex with girls.. and he says I am just on a witch hunt.. I feel so alone and desperate.. was supposed to go volunteer today but feel so sick cannot go now.. cannot eat , or sleep.. feeling so sad overwelmed with it..
it is eating me up.. I thrive on the details.. they have consumed me 24hrs a day..
so sad

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
dargirl
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I still need support and help on this.. he acted out twice this week.. making plans which were ruined by me .. so sad and depressed.. please help

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
84CF
Member
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Posting just to let you know, dargirl, that you are heard, and I am sorry that you are going through this.

You have a right to know 100% of the details and to expect not to be lied to further. You are not getting that, I know, but it is your right to demand it.

Please keep posting if it helps.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
surviving1963
Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

After discovering lots of porn on my husbands phone and our home computer I stumbled onto the AshleyMadison website. I had never even heard of it until then. My H forgot to log out of his account and I got right in to his profile. Can't even describe the devastation. I had myself tested for STD's. My H said it was just a joke between he and some guys at work! What a lie! You have to go to a lot of trouble join. He paid $250 for the "affair guaranteed" package. I saw the women he emailed. He said he didn't pay for it - somebody else did as part of a bet, but I also saw his debit card info on the transaction papers. Lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, minimize, minimize. What a selfish pig. He joined in 2010 and to this day his profile is still on there! H does not want a divorce - said he never even goes to this site anymore and I am a crazy stalker lady. He allso complained that it costs $50 to cancel. I checked - it only costs $19 to cancel and he makes GOOD money. Am I not worth it?!


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Decide for yourself if it matters whether or not he had sex. You know he cheated on you, whether he had intercourse or not. That alone is a betrayal. If you want the full truth or more details or less, that is all up to you.

I worry about his financial comments because, gently, that is financial abuse. Especially since you are not a Canadian resident- he knows you have little resource for obtaining money on your own.

You do have options and should you ever decide you want to leave, you can go to a woman's shelter. There they will show you the power and control wheel which includes financial abuse.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

I apologize, I mis-read. You are a Canadian citizen and as such there are resources to support you.

I am not sure what part of Canada you are from, if you are local to me I can certainly point you in the direction of financial support.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 41