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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Hey, I'm back
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

If anyone remembers me, lol.
I'll try to make this short. When I called my brother to tell him my marriage was over, he insisted that I come stay with him, take time for myself to figure out my life, what I want, where I'm going. (I was a SAHM) I couldn't let go of control and leave. My house was on the market, my DD getting ready to go to college(then we kept her home due to financial issues related to S), my DS was gutted over the situation....
Months later, my brother died suddenly on the day I got the call that our house definitely sold. At that time, X was trying to get me back....being open, letting me drop by unexpectedly and ask to see his phone, etc. When I came back from the funeral, X had a date that day and couldn't see me. Huh?
I struggle with regret over the lost time I could have, SHOULD have, spent with my brother. Struggle with denying him the chance to help me, and he wanted to so badly. A week before my brother died, he was making plans for when he retires in 8 years. He's 8 years older than me, so of course you know where my mind went.
X was supposed to take me to Paris for my 50th birthday, and since I'm not 50 yet, I thought that dream was on semi-permanent hold. Then the money came in for the house and I decided (with the encouragement of my therapist) to take a break from my life, but instead of going to my brother's empty house I went to Paris and rented an apartment for a few months.
Now I'm back and have no more money, lol, but I learned important lessons.
1. while we make plans, the clock is ticking. We don't know how much time we have left. Don't put your dreams on hold.
2. I didn't miss X. Not at all. In fact, when I did think of him, it was along the lines of "if he were here, I could never do this"
3. I am perfectly fine alone! I had no friends, other than Facebook. No one even spoke my language except a few waiters at a burger joint next door that I frequented and I didn't get lonely.
4. I did get bored. Next time I disappear from my life I will stay a few weeks here, a few weeks there. :)
5. Now that I am back, I need contact with X again.
WTF? I have to somehow stop this. We have a good, cooperative separation. But he has a new GF who is crazy insecure about me. Yesterday I asked to meet X for coffee, because since I got back, we haven't been alone to catch up, etc, and I had some stuff to discuss about the kids and I don't like email and texts for long conversations. Anyway, he had a huge fight with his GF because he apparently lied to her about meeting me, she got suspicious and showed up at his work. He called me and told me she "wouldn't let him" see me, and told him to tell me to just email him. So now I am dealing with my own feelings about this. My first reaction is "nobody tells me how or when or in what way I can speak to the father of my children" My second reaction is what if my future BF pulls a stunt like that and my honest answer is that I wouldn't put up with it, and I'd tell him so, which leads right around to X's failings as a man, and always putting me last. We spoke last night and he warned me that she is going to make him send me an email, like a NC except kids/finances.
::sigh:: I know this board is huge on NC, but really, I don't want that. I have accepted my X and his inability/unwillingness to be faithful. I am at peace with it. He does feel remorse, and talks often of it. Just the other day, he again apologized and said he takes full responsibility. So I have to figure out why now that I am home, I feel the need to see him when I was so happy without him. And just how I want to handle this crazy insecure new GF without letting my pride/territorial tendencies get in the way.
Example: DD Parent's weekend is coming up. X and I would likely cooperate financially and drive the 14 hours round trip together no problem. But new GF would likely not "allow" it or insist on going. My children have adamantly stated that they do NOT want to meet any of Dad's GF's so I know X's decision would be to stay home, thus choosing a woman over his DD for the whoknowshowmany-th time, damaging her and their relationship. Is that his fault, or new GF's for being so freaked out? Or mine for maintaining contact? (which feels perfectly normal and civil to me)
Wow, well I didn't expect this to be so long, but there it is. Now I'm going to hunt for all familiar names and see what's happening! I hope I find some finalized D's, and healed hearts.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Is that his fault

Yes. Period.

Given your ex's history, his GF is right to be insecure. If you want a relationship to work, you have to put it first. So if his girlfriend is uncomfortable and your ex actually wants a relationship with her, he really should be limiting contact with you to only kid or finance related things. He will always be the father of your children but he is no longer your husband. Let him go so you can find someone else to share all your excitement and news with. Your "need" to talk to him will hold you back from that.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4161 | Registered: Sep 2005
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Of course she is going to insist on NC with his ex... He's a liar face cheater! I'm sure she knows what she has, and must mark her territory.

You need to stop thinking you can be his friend. If he's going to allow his GF to run his life, there is nothing you can do about it. Nor should you want to. Let him go and begin your new life.

You cannot manage his relationship with your kids. That's his responsibility. Step away from the flames!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Well, that's an SI welcome back.
Just what I needed to hear but don't want to hear. :)
Thanks. I do want to point out that they are not exclusive.
I kind of think he talks about me too much because he made a comment that all these women couldn't wait for me to go out of the country.
Thanks for the replies and the wake up.
Purple Rose, congrats! Nice to see things settled in your tagline.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I love how you went to Paris!

I think you need to work harder at breaking the connection to your X. You need to detach more. His relationship with his GF is not your business, and you need to not put yourself in the position of being an emotional OW for him now that he has a GF. I'm betting there is a wee bit of smug satisfaction in your psyche that you can hurt her, but you need to purge yourself of that. It's for your own emotional good as well as the emotional good of your children for you to be strong on your own two feet and not in any way involved with any drama associated with your X or his GF.

Are you open to IC?

ETA: Wait a minute. I was just reading your stats in your signature. So, you're not divorced yet?

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 3:22 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I agree with Tearsoflove.

His girlfriend probably understands that your ex has boundary issues and is (rightfully) afraid of him being unfaithful. She is probably certain that if *you* are willing to be with him in a way that disrespects their relationship, he would happily follow your lead. Your ex has already shown disrespect and created more distrust by lying about the contact you two have. His fault.

Rather than find a better boyfriend whom she can trust she has decided to try to feel more in control of the situation by demanding certain actions from him. This doesn't make him more trustworthy but it probably makes her feel a little more comfortable about the connection you and your ex will always have. Her choice, her fault.

Having so much contact with him is bound to stir up old feelings and allows him to have an impact on your life once again. That part would be your fault. However, anything related to his relationships has nothing to do with you anymore. Let him deal with his own self-created drama between him and his GF and him and his children. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make things between him and your children better. He has to want that and be willing to work that out on his own. It sucks but it's the only way to keep his dysfunction from invading your life again.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

ETA: Wait a minute. I was just reading your stats in your signature. So, you're not divorced yet?

No, we have no plans to divorce. We went the LS route.

ETA: which is maybe why I am having a bit of a hard time letting go of my territory, lol.
Also, I am in IC but this came up between appointments. Last time I barely talked about him, just about not missing him while gone.

[This message edited by stillstrong at 3:43 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Warning t/j

What is the difference between a legal separation and a divorce? Why one and not the other? Most people I know of get the legal separation and after a time roll it into the divorce. I assume there is a logical reason to not divorce.

No wonder his gf is laying down the law/boundaries to him.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5333 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I don't blame the girlfriend. His tract record is reason enough.

He needs to support his daughter by going to parents' day on his own. When you're not together you have separate expenses. That's just the way it is.

You do need to detach more. I feel I could be friendly with my STBX. I don't hate him. I'm sad for him that he made such poor choices. But I know that he can never be my main confidant again. There are times I want to text or call to share news but that part of our life together is over. Now we share two amazing children. Our lives will intersect because of them forever.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

What is the difference between a legal separation and a divorce? Why one and not the other? Most people I know of get the legal separation and after a time roll it into the divorce. I assume there is a logical reason to not divorce
.

The differences:
We still file income taxes married filing jointly (not our choice, IRS rules)
I am still covered on his health insurance plan
We are still the designated beneficiaries of each other's 401K, his company's life ins. and he needs my signature to change me as beneficiary on anything at work. (If I worked I would also need his signature and he would be default beneficiary)

I wanted legal sep mainly because of finances, with COBRA and all that crap, and he agreed. Neither one of us ever intends to marry again, but we can always go ahead and file for D if things change.
There may be other reasons but honestly it is such a normal part of my life now that I don't even think about it, or remember every reason for doing it.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Maybe something to explore in IC is why you are creating your own Drama Llama and needing to control how your X communicates with you, and getting him in situations that make it so he can't have a secure relationship with a GF. He "let" you drop in a check his phone - and you DID! Why? What do you care? Are you really just trying to control him, and if so, WHY?

Obviously you are having trouble letting go. Otherwise, why the LS instead of D?

And why are you getting bored? Are you holding out some part of yourself because you are not fully D'd from your X? Are you "putting your life on hold" because you actually want to go back to your X, and can't move forward without him in a fully independent, free, happy way?

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother (((((stillstrong)))))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1222 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Maybe something to explore in IC is why you are creating your own Drama Llama and needing to control how your X communicates with you, and getting him in situations that make it so he can't have a secure relationship with a GF. He "let" you drop in a check his phone - and you DID! Why? What do you care? Are you really just trying to control him, and if so, WHY?

No, that was back just before my brother died, when X was trying to get back with me. He was in-between girlfriends. I dropped by work to see him for something, and on the spur of the moment asked to see his phone because I was trying to see if I could trust him again.
I'm not controlling him. I texted asking to meet and he said yes. It's any new GF's that I don't want to control how I see, communicate with him. (I said that's a reaction I felt. I haven't expressed it anywhere but here in this thread) I didn't get him into any situation with this GF, who I have to re-emphasize, is not a committed relationship. He chose to lie to her about seeing me to avoid a confrontation. She caught on and made a scene. The only way I think I am adding to the drama is when he asked me to create a secret email account that we can use together, and I said no, I will communicate with you in the open.

Obviously you are having trouble letting go. Otherwise, why the LS instead of D?

Mostly financial

And why are you getting bored?

I was bored in Paris, that part of the post had nothing to do with X


Are you holding out some part of yourself because you are not fully D'd from your X? Are you "putting your life on hold" because you actually want to go back to your X, and can't move forward without him in a fully independent, free, happy way?

No, I most definitely do not want to go back to him, and he knows that. I told him directly, sometime after I came home from the funeral to find that he had made a date with someone while trying to reconcile with me.

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother (((((stillstrong)))))

Thank you

[This message edited by stillstrong at 4:33 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Just FYI, all of the financial things you're mentioning can be handled in a divorce judgment. No, he won't be able to keep you on his insurance. However, it can be written into the final judgment that he provides you with health insurance or a portion of your self premium.

The IRS does not dictate how you file your taxes. You can file married/separate or married/joint. It's your choice. Further, there can be a significant tax advantage to being divorced, having children & filing head of household, especially if you're getting the dependent credits.

You can make just about anyone you want as the beneficiary of your insurance contracts and financial accounts.

You can structure your divorce judgment to say just about anything. As long as you & the hubs agree to it, the judge normally will sign off on it. I mention these things because they're "true facts", as zefrank likes to say.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Just FYI, all of the financial things you're mentioning can be handled in a divorce judgment. No, he won't be able to keep you on his insurance. However, it can be written into the final judgment that he provides you with health insurance or a portion of your self premium.
The IRS does not dictate how you file your taxes. You can file married/separate or married/joint. It's your choice. Further, there can be a significant tax advantage to being divorced, having children & filing head of household, especially if you're getting the dependent credits.

You can make just about anyone you want as the beneficiary of your insurance contracts and financial accounts.

You can structure your divorce judgment to say just about anything. As long as you & the hubs agree to it, the judge normally will sign off on it. I mention these things because they're "true facts", as zefrank likes to say.

He couldn't afford to help me with my premiums, and since the insurance was $30 or so through work, we agreed to this as a solution.

Yes, we can make anyone beneficiaries, but if we are still married, my signature is required, which ensures that I won't lose my share if (divorced and) he decides to change beneficiary for no reason, or re-marries and wife #2 gets it. See, the insurance I am entitled to in the agreement IS his work life. Otherwise he'd have to get a new, expensive policy whereas this one is free.

Maybe it's the FAFSA that won't allow you to list separately, or file separately? Or maybe it was just for last year since we were married part of the year? If what you say is true, that's great, and I will look into it.

Anyway, I didn't want to go to court to fight for less than LS would give me for practically free and we each were willing to legally separate rather than divorce so it worked out well for both of us.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I hear you.

I think you should expect continued drama from whatever GF he has in the future. Any woman would rightfully be upset if her BF was spending 14 hours in a car with his wife, going off to kid-related activities. Any woman with half a brain would realize her BF was not ever going to be fully available to her, and would most likely assume that you would be a permanent threat to her relationship. And rightfully so, since you're still legally married and don't act like you're fully separated. You're going to have to accept this kind of drama, right?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

Any woman with half a brain would realize her BF was not ever going to be fully available to her, and would most likely assume that you would be a permanent threat to her relationship.

Well, he does tell every woman he dates that he will not commit, that he can't be faithful, etc. So therefore no woman should ever expect him to be fully available to her. Right?
I just don't get it. (By the way I haven't even mentioned parents weekend to him yet, that was an example. I just consider it completely normal and financially practical to share expenses) My DD's boyfriend's parents are amicably divorced. She is re-married but the boy's father came to visit and stayed in the spare room.
DD's friend's parents are divorced and we didn't even know it because they live in the same house and co-parent. On Prom night we all went out to dinner together, no BF's or GF's, just the bio parents. They didn't sit next to each other but it was lovely and much better than the other girl, whose divorced parents both bailed on her because they fought about the dinner.
Are these the exception to the rule? I feel like I am in the wrong for having an amicable, cooperative relationship with my ex? We don't hate each other.


So I have to figure out why now that I am home, I feel the need to see him when I was so happy without him. And just how I want to handle this crazy insecure new GF without letting my pride/territorial tendencies get in the way.

This was my original question from my first post.

ETA: NatureGirl, I apologize, I didn't see this at the top of your response.

I hear you.

He just called me and when I answered the phone he said "Hi Babe". Haha. Maybe we are a bit too close. I asked why he called me that and he immediately apologized, but...

[This message edited by stillstrong at 10:46 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Well, he does tell every woman he dates that he will not commit, that he can't be faithful, etc.

I have a slightly different opinion. There is nothing wrong with what you want to do.

I think new GF should have a seat and a muzzle.

If in fact he did disclose to her that he was still legally married, and had no intentions of changing that, and talks about his wife (which seems clear since she knew about you leaving the country) - then she went into this with open eyes. New GF is dating a married man. He is NOT avaiable. She has no business trying to change an arrangement that she signed up for by agreeing to be his gf.

You and your H have an agreement. Your business - financial, children and it sounds like, emotional, is not completed. You have both agreed to maintain these ties for your own reasons. If you want to talk to him about your children or your finances or whatever - and he is agreeable, then you should, and gf should butt out.

GF should not expect the same relationship dynamics from a willingly still married, separated man as she should from a divorced man.

If GF wants a whole relationship she should move on.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 826 | Registered: Dec 2005
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I do want to point out that they are not exclusive.

Did he tell you that?

How do you know he was telling the truth? Just sayin...


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I have a slightly different opinion. There is nothing wrong with what you want to do.

I think new GF should have a seat and a muzzle.

Hey, phillygirl, I really like you!
Thanks for your comment, it's good to hear I'm not the only one in the universe that feels this way.

Did he tell you that?

How do you know he was telling the truth? Just sayin..

I do believe him, because he had a GF before, and effed it up by cheating on her. (I really liked her, too. Never met her, but she was respectful of me, my kids' wishes, etc. Even apologized to me once when, before separation was legalized, and before marital home was sold, X invited her over. I wanted to drop by for mail or something, he told me I couldn't because he had company, I got pissed, so she used his phone to ask permission to call me, then called from her phone and apologized. I liked that she didn't hide her phone number either) He said from now on hew was going to be open with everyone he dates, and complains that they all agree at first, then after dating for a bit, they all start to freak out.
Yes, "they all" as in, many. That's why I don't have much sympathy for this GF. She was dating someone else too, then broke up with the other guy and now wants to change the rules, I guess. I'm just mad that my little world is changing because she gives him crap.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by stillstrong at 2:34 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 19