We are in A season. There were 6 weeks in particular that were awful. During the time the A was in full swing and was happening under my nose, I was working for some friends at their cafe and loving it.
fWH''s A started when he was away on a contract. When he got back I immediately asked him if he''d slept with anyone, and he lied to my face. The A continued behind my back, while I was running around taking care of our DDs during summer break, and juggling work, all the while my fWH was lying about working and was spending his days in a hotel room with her. Although I very strongly suspected something, I had no proof. Less than 3 weeks later, I''d had an emotional breakdown/complete burnout and quit working for them (on good terms).
I have not been able to step foot in the cafe since my last day of work there. I''ve had minimal contact through FB with the friend I was close to. She''s invited me a few times to go out or come by the cafe, but I haven''t been able to bring myself to do it.
I''ve driven by the cafe several times, but normally avoid that street if I can, and I have to look away. The sight of the cafe makes the memories flood back and I shake and cry...
I can''t allow myself to remember how quickly I went from blissfully naive to completely blindsided by my fWH''s A while working there.
At 10 months out I am still so sad and angry. And I know I can''t see the one friend without fucking falling apart. I am sick and tired of always falling apart. The last 6 years have been pure hell. The A was added to a long list of other personal hardships and professional failings, including devastating infertility.
I saw the cafe friend today, and I didn''t have the courage to say hi. I feel like an awful person. I started to tear up and shake when I realized she was nearby. I also felt very angry at my fWH for putting me in this position. We were in a public venue where everyone knows me and I knew I couldn''t speak to her without falling apart right then and there. I am soooo tired of crying like a baby in public. I used to struggle after losing my business, then I was crying at the drop of a hat for years over all the pregnancies I lost... I am tired of being that girl.
I spoke to fWH about it. He thinks I should bite the bullet and meet with her. If tears and blubbering can''t be avoided I should arrange for it in private.
I don''t know how long I can go on avoiding her like this and hating myself for it. I feel like such a coward right now. I didn''t use to be like this.