SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Should or Shouldn't I??
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I did post a few days ago and said that everything is going fine with us.It is true: All is peaceful and quiet and I have not caught H in any mischief so far. No complaints here.

But I have a question to ask that is why I am posting.

H's close friend along with another man are making plans to come to see us. It is an annual trip and they spend a weekend with us.They spend their time going to sports games and having "boy" fun in the good sense of the word. There is nothing going on because our sons and our daughter-in-law are part of the people who go to these sports games. I am not into sports so I occupy myself with my volunteer work.

Posters who have followed my story will most likely remember that this friend is the one who introduced H to a female friend of his and he also wanted to bring her over to our place so she and H can spend some time together.

The question that I pose before you is this: should I, or shouldn't I confront this "friend" at some point when he gets here? The incident with him wanting to bring this woman to our house happened in March 2013, so it's been a while.
Part of me wants to tell him what I think of him and part of me tells me to let it go.

What do you all think? Should I or shouldn't
I?

Please, no posts stating why is this guy still friends with H? No posts about the whole thing is H's fault. I know that and I have dealt with it.
Please, stick to the facts and point blank answer the question.

I already have told H that I do not plan to be a good hostess to this guy any more and I feel bad for this because the other guy coming with him has no part in this fiasco and he should not be receiving the "royal" treatment from me but that is life...
I have also told H that the less I see of this man, the better off we're all going to be and he will oblige.

Thanks for the answers in advance.


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 859 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, August 10th (Saturday)

I am not one to hold my tongue, especially when I firmly believe that someone is doing something wrong.

If that man was going to be in my house I know that I would say something to him. I would do it privately, with or without my WH. It would be better to have your H with you to show that he too supports what I you are saying.

I could never "pretend" that I did not know, and I would NOT want him to think he got away with that bull****.

I think by addressing it you would send this guy a clear message that says:

1) You are aware of his actions/intent.
2) You do not appreciate it.
3) You will not tolerate it.

But that's me, I have no fear of confrontation ~ especially when I am right.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:53 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I would talk to this man about his involvement in the OW SITUATION, ORDEAL.
I this this man should know exactly how you feel about this entire OW SITUATION - and this SHOULD give him the opportunity to:
-- Explain himself and to give you a full, heartfelt apology.

That's what you deserve, in my opinion:
AN EXPLANATION about this man's involvement and a sincere apology.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6114 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Angry  Posted: 1:46 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

Yes, you should speak your mind to this pathetic excuse for a friend. Personally, I'd try to make his life a living hell while he was here in the hopes that he would not want to remain friends with your WH. Normally I try to be polite. In this situation the gloves would be OFF.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9502 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
brainless twit
Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I think I would speak with this "friend" before he arrives. I would just warn him that if he chooses to come to your home, he better be ready for your wrath. Make it clear that your H doesn't need friends who encourage him to destroy his M.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
ItsNotUitsMe
Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I wouldn't confront him, because he would never step foot in my house. I actually am sympathetic to friends that get caught in the crossfire of the A. Keeping allegiance to their friendship, I sort of understand that because they are not responsible for the WS's actions. BUT to me, introducing and encouraging an A is an entirely different situation.

I realize you asked not to ask why is your H still friends with this person, but really, that is the issue. And we are not talking about being civil at a public function like a mutual friend's party, you're welcoming him into your home overnight. I don't consider that "dealt with". He obviously does not respect you or your marriage. I don't see what good confronting him will do. Just having him there let's him know it's ok. I don't think confronting him would change that.


Posts: 1031 | Registered: Dec 2008
Andthencraigslis
New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I would confront him, but I would do it not so much in the angry way where he walks away feeling you are a b*tch and he is justified in what he did (and thus more likely to encourage similar behavior in the future). I would pull him aside and let him know the pain this has caused you and your family in full detail. Talk about how it upsets you to even have him at your house. If he is a good guy gone wrong he will feel like the jerk he is for doing this, if he is uncomfortable he may distance himself from your husband himself , and if he is just an all out a** it will make no difference anyway, so nothing lost. Hate to say it, but outright anger, treating him poorly, may backfire and may just give him an excuse to continue his enabling behavior. Perhaps even discussing this with HIS wife if he has one/you know her...Perhaps she will help make the decision for you as to whether he'll be coming over

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

ItsNotUItsMe:


I understand your point but you misread the post: I am NOT welcoming this man in my home. If I were, I would be the nice hostess that I used to be till March 2013. I simply tolerate his presence for the sake of H.

I have a dear friend whom H cannot stand, but he does tolerate her presence in our home for my sake. I am doing the same for him. The difference is that I am NOT welcoming this man to my home any more. I simply tolerate him.

AndthenCraigslist:

My dear, this guy is an a$$ 100%. Many people have wondered why my H is friends with him. That's a good question; I can't answer it, either. Even his wife's family was wondering the same thing when they first met my H at their wedding. Her family could not believe that this man could have a friend like my H. This man is a womanizer and has made a career of it. He cheated on his wife even before he married her and she knew it.

H has always been critical of him and his actions. This man is an alcoholic as well. H doesn't drink other than an occasional beer when we have people over. H won't spend all his money and all his time in bars like this man has been doing ever since we've known him.
He and his wife gained a lot of weight, and I mean a lot of weight. He, and the woman he was pushing on H, lost a lot of weight following some kind of diet. His wife is still overweight has told him that he can do whatever he wants for as long as she does not know about it. Nice, eh???? ( H told me this a long time ago)

So, whatever he was trying to do with this woman and my H was normal behavior for him and I bet you he never saw anything wrong with it.

What surprises me is that this woman, who supposedly is well educated, comes across as dignified, saw nothing wrong with this arrangement ( meaning coming to a married man's house, traveling with another married man - meaning the friend)and she got angry when I said that under no circumstances is she allowed to come to my house.
From the VAR one side conversation (H talking) I could tell that even though H was telling him NOT to bring this woman to our place, the friend still insisted until finally he got the message.

Me talking to him would not make a bit of a difference to him. I am and will always be the bad guy ( I don't care) but it will do me good to get it off my chest and tell him that my H and I do not have an open marriage.


As for his wife, I do not think it would make a difference to her, either. If she told her H that he can do whatever for as long as she does not know about it, she won't understand that it is not the norm for everybody.

Also, when H was up north this last time, this man and his wife invited this woman over to their house for an evening of games ( good games, nothing kinky). What were they trying to do? They were creating an intimate environment so she and H can get to know each other better. There were two couples in their home that evening: this man and his wife, and the woman he was pushing on H and H.Very commendable. Granted, H is 120% guilty because he took it from there and the flirting began, but the actions of this man and his wife are disgusting. I would have never allowed such behavior in my home. Had they invited one more person that evening, it would have been a totally different situation, But then the dynamics would have been different: it would not have been an intimate gathering any more....

The saddest part is that later that night the rest of our family arrived up north and nobody said anything of that evening until I saw H write something to this woman about the word games they were playing....

Anyway: both of them , this man and the wife are guilty, but H is even more so.
I just wanted to give you some more background on this man and his family life.

But I am still 50/50 on what to do. I have one more month to decide and I take all of the advice given here to heart. Thanks everyone.


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 859 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

It sounds to me like it won't make a single bit of difference to him what you say to him, so why waste the time and energy? What would it accomplish?

Personally, I think there is a big difference in your H tolerating a friend of yours that he can't stand, and you having this POS enemy of your marriage in your house.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5038 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ItsNotUitsMe
Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

To me, welcoming him is letting him in the house.

I'm curious if you have ever spoke to the friends wife? Maybe she doesn't know she is in an open relationship? (You''ve only heard this from H, right?) It seems like you consider them both (friend and wife) were setting your H up with this woman and something just isn't adding up for me. I may have missed something, this woman is just a friend of theirs and she is not an OW? I'm suddenly confused.


Posts: 1031 | Registered: Dec 2008
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Please, stick to the facts and point blank answer the question.


Sorry, but this line really struck me as funny as I considered *our* history.

So, ahem, I'll make a very serious attempt to point blank answer your question and not insert any extraneous opinions......

Do I think that you should pull (not)friend aside and 'have' your say? No. The guy is a total ass and you'll be wasting your breath. I am typically a *speak your truth* advocate, but the fact that your WH has invited this man(dick) into your home completely undermines anything that you could say to (not)friend. The (not)friend will just *eye roll* anything that you say. Basically, he will *sport* listen to you. And most likely be laughing inside to himself the whole time.

Honestly, if I were *you*, I would arrange to be away that weekend. Main reason is because of the 'other' guy. 'Other' guy isn't going to know all of the specific nuances of the situation and he won't understand why you are being such a *cold* hostess. And that is incredibly unfair to you. You shouldn't be made to look like the 'bad guy' in this situation, nor should you be forced to offer hospitality to people that do not deserve it.

Personally, I think there is a big difference in your H tolerating a friend of yours that he can't stand, and you having this POS enemy of your marriage in your house.

Me too.

So to point blank answer your question:
(if you intend to remain in your home the weekend that (not)friend is there).....Unless you are prepared to tell (not)friend that he is not welcome to step foot in your home.....keep your mouth shut.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Mamma...there's a huge difference between your friend,whose personality your husband doesn't like...and his buddy..who set him up with an OW.

The fact that you are not welcoming him into your home..but you are tolerating him...is lost on a man like this. He's there? All is good. He may have thought what he was doing was ok...and everyone around him seems to be ok with allowing him to think this..to Hell with that.

Confront.

Tell him exactly what you think of him and his actions. And tell him he is not welcome..by you...in YOUR home.

Let the chips fall where they may.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7303 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Andthencraigslis
New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Given that info, and if you really can't/ won't refuse to let him in your home. I would probably leave for the weekend myself. You don't need to subject yourself to a weekend of anger and sadness for this POS.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I am personally all about making the WS take accountability for their actions so I think I would first approach my husband and discuss my feelings about this person coming to my house. Keep it to feelings, how it feels to have this guy around and what he tried to do to your marriage. Make him have a conversation with him that you hear or are present for.

Then, if the man still intends to visit, I would have my own conversation with him when he arrives. Your husband should be present when this takes place so both he and his friend understand you are angry, upset, whatever it is you chose to convey to them. I would explain the rules of my house to him and that I didn't appreciate his actions with this OW.

If the weekend is truly horrible to get through, leave but first explain to your husband why you can't stay, again using feelings and not blame.

All 3 conversations will reinforce to your WS that what he did was wrong and, at the same time, his friend will get it.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 12th (Monday)

If your WH is serious about R, then he needs to be the one to not only tell the friend it's not cool, but to cut ties with him. Any WS that keeps someone like that in their life is choosing the A mindset over the person they picked as their life partner.

If he does prefer to keep this man in your lives, know that the friend is not a FOM. That your WH is picking his selfishness above you.

You should be focusing on what your WH is doing, the choices he's making and what he's doing for you and your M. This man...he only counts because he's like the OW, someone who actively participated in hurting the M. How your WH handles this is key.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11116 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I appreciate the response. I will keep you posted.
The annual trip has always been scheduled for the first part of October. It will be a while before I post the update.


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 859 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

If your WH is serious about R, then he needs to be the one to not only tell the friend it's not cool, but to cut ties with him. Any WS that keeps someone like that in their life is choosing the A mindset over the person they picked as their life partner.
If he does prefer to keep this man in your lives, know that the friend is not a FOM. That your WH is picking his selfishness above you.

^^^Bing^^^

You are fooling yourself with the thought that you are tolerating and not welcoming. It's helping you turn a blind eye to what is really the important question: Why is your WH still hanging out with this guy?

He is not a FOM. He does not belong in your life. He does not belong in WH's life. He does not belong in your home.

2x4 time...By allowing him in your home you are already taking it up the ass. Now you are asking us to help you decide how far up?!?!


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 830 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 17