User Topic: Why did you stay?
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I've already filed for D. Now that I have my STBX is textbombing me and supposedly went NC with OW on his own.
I haven't checked because I am trying to concentrate on me.
I am telling him that he can fight if he wants, but that I am moving forward with the D at the moment.
I check the R board (we had several weeks of false R at different times) and I check the D board as well.
I am feeling ok these days, and am trying not to think about my marriage and what would need to happen for it to survive. It stresses me out to think about checking his phone, worrying about where he is, wondering if I am doing what I should or if he has the energy to continue doing what I need to do to R.
I also know there's a difference between surviving and thriving.
I do love my husband and I miss what we once had, but I know it can never be the same.
I think he's remorseful, but not enough time has passed for me to see the big picture.

I would like to know the emotional reasons why any of you stayed-was it love of who he was? was it faith in who he could be? was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what? was it fear of finding another cheater?
Has it been what you expected, better or worse? Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?

I know none of these answers are easy, and that I cannot make decisions based on your answers. I am just curious and am trying to figure out why I would give him another chance against my better judgement.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

These are all reasons why I stayed after DDay#1, now that I've had Dday#2 I don't know that I will stay.

I stayed because I believed our marriage and he deserved a second chance. I believed he could be the man I once knew, and the man I married. I made a commitment and I wanted to make sure that I gave it everything I could before I let it go.

He also listened when I told him what I needed from him, IC/MC, transparency, honesty, no contact, answering my questions, comforting me and all the emotional room I needed to heal. He appeared to be all in and completely on board with reconciling. Since I saw his supposed remorse and his actions matched his words (other than that small part about leaving his AP ) I decided to give it a go. Now that he abused the gift I gave him of reconciliation, I don't know if I can or want to extend another hand in his direction.

He swears it is over with her, but he got around keyloggers, cell phones, GPS and anything else I put in place, so I don't bother trying to track his activities anymore.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I think everyone's situation is different so even if I stayed because of XYZ, that might not apply to anyone else. I think if I had filed for divorce after DDay that would have been completely reasonable and the right thing to do.

But staying and fighting was my knee jerk reaction and it's proven to be the right thing for us.

I fought because I wasn't giving up that easily and because I owned my part that lent to our marriage being in a place where he allowed himself to cheat. I did not cause his cheating and he is completely in the wrong there. But I helped break our marriage down to a place where it was vulnerable. I just never imagined that would be the outcome.

I also fought because I love him and because we have kids. And because I've loved him for 17 years and he's loved me for most of that too.

I thought that if our marriage had been strong, this girl would not have seeped in. It was a theory. I wasn't sure because in the fog, FWH was convinced she was special and they had found something special together. But now, months later he realizes the situation allowed him to believe he'd found something special when really it was just "something" he wanted to find at that time.

We are better than we were before he ever met this girl. We are better than we were when our kids were born. We are still working, but it gets better every day. Even little steps backward are something we work through together instead of retreating to our own corners and brooding apart from one another. We were really missing a lot of coping skills.

Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

Love your story Jellybean and I can relate.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I am still working on staying. Struggling.

The truth is that I do love my WH. We do have a great connection, friendship etc...

We have kids.

But more than all that, although I am not sure about the truthfulness of what he said happened in the past and we are still working on that, he has never once wavered on his desire to be with me. I am not sure if I could have stayed if that was the case. Although I have read of other stories on here, where the couple came out just fine in the end.

I think it is just such a personal choice and the reasons are personal for everyone on here.

Just because you D, does not mean you cannot R in the future. I would be watching his actions long term. Yes, right now he is saying he wants to R. What are his actions saying? And will they keep saying he is committed to R in the long run? I think only time will tell.

Hugs Perfect life. None of this is easy, no matter which way it goes.

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 1547 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I stayed because it was the only option that I felt a complete sense of peace about. I know that sounds strange. The day after dday, I knew that the right choice for me was to stay. I played out and prayed about every possible outcome. The only one that left me feeling calm and sure and peaceful was staying. I'm a fighter and knew I couldn't leave without giving it my all. My H was remorseful from minute 1. He immediately suspended any contact he had with any of the OW and has never looked back. I loved him and he loved me and our family was built on love (2 kids and one on the way on dday). Without getting preachy, I knew that it was in God's plan for me to stay. The past year has been anything but easy as we've searched and dug and talked and cried, but our whole family is closer for it. That's why I stayed.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

My reasons are much the same as musiclovingmom's. My FWH was remorseful from the beginning, went NC right away, and has been working hard to regain my trust.

With WH#1, I had stopped loving him, so the revelation of an A was kind of a relief, as it gave me a good excuse to leave the marriage.

With WH#2--current FWH--I loved him, and knew that at some level he still loved me, too. I knew there was something there worth salvaging, or trying to salvage. Like musiclovingmom, religion played a role as well--the concepts of repentance and redemption, the view of marriage as a holy sacrament to be ended only under grave circumstances.

That said, if FWH had not shown remorse right away, I would have been to the divorce lawyer's office so fast it would make your head spin--because A is indeed a grave circumstance.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

In the very beginning, I stayed because I honestly didn't know what else to do. I was paralyzed with fear and complete shock. Divorce is exactly what he deserved at the time (I can see that crystal clear now that two years have passed), but it was the furthest thing from my thoughts.i was even one of "those" people who had always said I would leave if he ever cheated. We had been married 23 years at the time, and I couldn't even allow myself to imagine my life without him. I'm glad I didn't.

Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I do love my husband and I miss what we once had, but I know it can never be the same.

We had a good marriage before the A, but now it is better than what we had before.

In my opinion there are too many mixed emotions following D-day, making it very difficult for a BS to make a clear decision about the future. As long as you have a remorseful that is maintaining NC, I believe it is wise to wait 6 months to 1 year before making a decision to D, which is what I did. When I took my wedding vows, I said for better or worse. Now I know what was meant by worse. Before my marriage ended in D, I wanted to feel comfortable knowing I did everything I could to save it. My wedding vows required me to a least try and I am a man of my word.

Many people treat an affair and R as the death of the marriage followed by a reboot. I no longer see it that way. An affair and R is part of the ups and downs that may challenge a marriage as it runs it's entire course.

At 6+ years out, I am very happy with my choice to R. Looking back, I have no regrets.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I love all of these responses!
Thank you so much for sharing your hearts and thoughts with me.
I wish that the moment I found out that my WH would have come out of the fog. Yes, he was terrified I would leave him, but his actions continued to say that he also needed whatever it was she was giving him.
Part of my hesitation about R is that we did try several weeks at a time and it was too much work for him at the time.
He could not remain NC with her for more than a week or 2. I don't really think its about her though.
I understand the dynamics of our relationship and especially the stress of the past year which put him in a vulnerable state. However, I do not accept that having an affair was his only option. Seeking a coping mechanism elsewhere has been a pattern with him (previous 6 month EA) and that needs fixed.
We have been together 18 years. That's half my life. I love that man and I loved the life we had before this.
But this struck me, and it's what I've been thinking about lately.
I stayed because it was the only option that I felt a complete sense of peace about.

Before I knew there was another woman, when I thought he wanted a divorce for other reasons (marital re-write) I totally believed this.
Now, when I think about R, it freaks me out. I get sweaty, heart palpitations, worry, self-loathing and doubt. I worry about my children, I worry about whether or not I could go "all in". Maybe it is because we are already physically separated. Maybe it's because I have been divorced before. Maybe it's because he had an EA 5 years ago and I never felt "all in" after that anyway. How could I trust my heart to him *not TRUST HIM* but trust my heart to him...after this?
I note that a lot of people in R describe themselves as "zombies".
I don't want to live that way. My past love for him is not my future love for him.
Does that make sense?
He emptied that bank account and now I don't know if it can ever go above zero balance.
I understand the theory of "give it time". If it had been that clear cut without the TT and the lies, the broken NC and the continued back and forth, maybe I would feel differently.
Today, the only thought that gives me any peace at all is moving on.
Who knows about tomorrow?

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Just to be sure - have you looked at the other similar thread that's active now?

Shirley Glass IDs a stage call 'working on the M' that may be appropriate for you. Observe your H for some months (3? 6? 12?) If he consistently does all the things he needs to do for R, during that period, and you want to R, you can stop the D process.

was it love of who he was? was it faith in who he could be? was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what?

All of the above.

...fear of finding another cheater?

That argued against staying. The big questions in this area were: does she love me? Is she in love with me?

She said yes. I knew only tome would tell, and I was willing to give her the time.

Has it been what you expected, better or worse?

Yes. I guess this is another 'all of the above'. Even in an ideal R, shit happens, and it can be excruciating. and yet other things go better than expected.

Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?

My take is that we have to deal with the pain as soon as we have a D-Day. For us, the pain specific to R is a less unwelcome than the pain specific to D, so I'm glad we're in R.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Thank you sisoon,

Observe your H for some months (3? 6? 12?) If he consistently does all the things he needs to do for R, during that period, and you want to R, you can stop the D process.

This is kind of where I am right now. Even though we are separated, I told him I am not talking about the marriage "today" and that if he wants to fight he can. I am seeing where he goes with that. In the meantime, I am not checking up on him because it's to stressful for me. I have ways of finding out later if he kept NC or not.
I am doing my thing with my kids and continue to communicate with him about the boys.
He says he's in IC and doing everything he can to prove to me that he deserves "one last chance".
The thing that kind of throws me is that he wants to "date" or spend time with me. It's been only a few weeks since he was last with her. I am hesitant to give him that time "today". I told him we need to go a few weeks before I will consider spending time with him. He has a lot of issues about being alone, and honestly I won't be able to see how he handles them until I know he has truly been exposed to that stress.
Does that make sense?

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

We are in R because, he is repentant, upholds NC, it is what my heart says needs to happen...
I do not know exactly where you are in A journey, but it will still have to be up to you to evaluate the imput to make your life changing decisions.
I did marry for better or for worse, this A is definitly a WORSE. Still, with WH and God helping to heal me, I can do this.
It's your life, be good to yourself and seek healing. Then move forward

BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Initially I stayed because I was in shock and horribly depressed and anxious. I like all the others who have commented never though I could stayed with a cheater. In fact I believed that strong people left and weak people stayed. Boy was I wrong!! If anyone would need to leave, it would have been my fWH. After reading the SI site, I was advised not to make any major decisions for 6 months.

He had NC right away and was very remorseful after the fog started to lift. Blowing up his life was not what he had in mind with an A.

We started MC/IC right away and he started working on the "why".

Although I loved my H very much, I was not sure that I could get over the magnitude of his A.

I have never imagined my life without my H and frankly, it is difficult. He says he never imagined his life without me and that was confirmed by the OW. She said he never promised her anything and that they "lived in the moment" (she was not sorry about the A or the damage).

For now, both my feet are in R and we are both fully committed. I have moments where I spiral downward and wonder if I can really do this. But, for now, there are more good days than bad. At 6 months, I re-upped to a year.

My H is doing everything he can to help me heal and I continue to stay because I love him deeply. I have seen his brokenness and want to continue to witness his transformation.

Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I stayed because his EA woke me up. We had been living like roommates for the past couple years. We didn't fight...we barely communicated. I was numb and just going through the motions. He was working all the time so we didn't spend much time together. At times I questioned if I still loved him. I was just trying to keep it together until my son was out of high school. When I found out about the EA, the thought of him and another woman or life without him broke my heart. I realized then how much I really do love him. That 18 years is a long time to give up so easily. It made me realize that marriage takes work on both of our parts. But the biggest reason I stayed is because he forgave me when I had a brief EA 5 years ago (i never hid mine or lied about it) He's never thrown it in my face. It would have been so easy for him to do after he got caught but he didn't.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

To be honest, I mainly stayed to keep our family together. This family is the most important thing in the world to me. Once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate at that time----so WH has a few years to work on "getting it".

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I stayed for a variety of reasons. 2 years ago when I found out the truth, I wanted to hurt him badly. I knew for a long time things were not right. At that point we had been together 27 years. I took the totality of our relationship into consideration. I know that he is a decent man, in spite of his EA and ONS. He was willing to do MC as long as we needed it. We are still doing it, two years later and he is trying even if I don't see that or not in the way I want.
I also stayed because of money, to be honest. He is military and for a lot of our married life, I worked part time or was a SAHM. At my age now, and with no formal education, I can not support myself, sad to say. I also feel that what we have is because we both worked for it in different ways. I stayed and raised two sons, kept the house etc and moved my ass all over the place so he could be in the military. I have earned what we have money wise too even if I wasn't bringing home a paycheck.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I stayed because we have a long history together - we've been together our entire adult lives, it seemed foolish and terrifying to throw that all away. I think I would have an extremely hard time living the single life. Financially, my entire life would change - I would go from a comfortable life-style to really struggling to make ends meet. I would have had to give up my home and my beloved pets. I stayed because I didn't want to break up my family.

Do I love him now? I am having a hard time sorting through my emotions in order to figure that out. The IC I saw said I was suppressing my love... I don't know. I have moments of tenderness, being with him feels "comfortable" and "comforting" when I can rid my head of affair thoughts. Is that love? I don't know.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1023 | Registered: Oct 2012
brainless twit
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I stayed for 3 years trying to work things out after D-Day #1. My H was "it" for me; I loved him (and still love him) more than anyone or anything in the world. When I eventually filed for D, we were never really able to let go of each other even after it was final. I tried dating several times and I always felt horribly guilty, like I was betraying the husband I didn't even have anymore. We have been on and off ever since the D.

This time around, you have no idea how badly I want to walk away. How easy it would be since we're already divorced. But this time I feel very strongly that we should reconcile for religious reasons - not because our church is pushing it, but because I feel like that's where God is leading me. I'm trying as hard as I can but it's really difficult to believe that I gave him another chance AFTER divorce and he wasn't grateful enough to be faithful.

"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.

Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

You are breaking my heart!
I have not rescinded my divorce, it's still in the process. But every day is filled with thoughts of how much I've loved him, our history, our he loves me in his own very amazing way. (um, besides cheating on me)
I just have this feeling I will regret it if I stay. That I won't be able to live with MYSELF if I stay, because of all the things he has done and said to damage me.
I've thought that it would take Divorce for us to get the marriage right too. Isn't that so odd?
And yes, it is so hard to walk away.
I hope things get better for you, one way or another.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I would like to know the emotional reasons why any of you stayed-was it love of who he was?
In the beginning no.
I knew kinda who he was because of bad boundaries and possible A's earlier on. This A with MOW I had concrete proof of a full-blown A. I wanted him to leave was my first reaction. Then shock.

was it faith in who he could be?
No I had no faith in him at this point and it only got worse.

was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what?
No, I had suffered a couple of mental breakdowns and was not in any capacity to make M decisions at the time.

was it fear of finding another cheater?
No I think anyone can cheat.

Has it been what you expected, better or worse?
Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?

I guess I never expected to R so just being in R is a surprise to me. I have hope for what he can be. I have memories of who he used to be. So far nothing has been worth the pain that has followed my WH's infidelity. I am learning to live with it and make myself healthy and happier.

I must admit that if I had no kids I would have D'd, but right now I am staying because my love has rekindled for WH and I do not want to be a mom 50/50, but should he mess up again I will gladly embrace being a single mother.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:00 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Consider this. People are only truly ready to D when they don't feel strong emotions one way or the other toward their WS.

This was shared with me by another SI member and it made sense. If you're still angry at the WS, then you still have feelings for him. Work on those feelings. If you start to develop contempt, then maybe D is the right road. If love and acceptance start to come back, then maybe continuing to work on R is the right thing to do.

Easy to say, hard to do. I'm struggling with it myself.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I stayed because
We had 2 boys..
He was with scum..Seriously if it was about me and the marriage I believe he would of found a lot better piece of a..
I didn't want my boys to have a broken bum for a dad. I truly felt if he was not with me he would become useless individual.
I knew he had better in him. But when your family( mother, father and siblings) don't show you that you are capable of great things well you fall without their support. Usually.. Not me but another story.
As long as I had children in school I knew I would stay....

Now years later it would be the time we are together but if I found him cheating again or lied about the past I would pack his bags that day and make him leave. I would file for a legal separation. Would I divorce him I hope not! But if I should that would be ok..
Look you know your limits. What you and you can and cannot handle.. Believe in who you are...

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I am still working on staying. Struggling.

My d-day is still so recent, and people keep telling me that it's too early for me to be making decisions either way (R, or S/D?). But, I have been spending every moment since d-day weighing my options - I could move out, he could move out, I could file, I could not file... Back during one of our conversations about splitting up, I told him my #1 reason for staying (for now) was that I still loved him. Our 21m old daughter was a close second.

I still can't believe he did this to our family, so I'm having a hard time believing things will change. But I do feel like I have (or rather need) time to sort things out.

Right now, we have one vehicle (mine, from before we got married). It needs more repairs than it's worth. We'd been taking about getting rid of it for a while, and that still has to happen, regardless of what he and I decide to do. The lease on our apartment isn't up until April 2014, and it will cost 2k to break it (not to mention how a broken lease looks on our rental histories). Then there's court fees, attorneys, and the sale of all our community property (because neither of us will be in a position to take it with us). Are finances and convenience good reasons to stay married? Maybe not, but they all add to my reasons for staying and give us some extra time to see if we can make this work.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Consider this. People are only truly ready to D when they don't feel strong emotions one way or the other toward their WS.

I still love him, but as many can relate, not in the way that I used to. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I feel anger.
I do think in a way I am coming to the point where I don't care as much. Will I ever NOT care? No, he's the father of my children, was my husband for 17 years and I will always care about him.
But I can no longer take care of him and be that person who is always trying to hold him up and fix him.
Letting go of that was huge and a big part of my role in the marriage.
Do I want to be divorced? Not really. But I don't want to be married to the man who did this to me, who betrayed me, who lied and hurt me.
I just want all of it to be undone. We had something great and he threw it away for nothing.
Now he's put me in an impossible position- I don't want any of the possible outcomes. I don't want any of them.
I do think about staying, but it makes me sick thinking about them being together.
Then I think about leaving and I know how much I will miss him.
There's no easy answer. I am just sick of hurting.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

A lot of it is sheer and utter admiration for who he has become. A better spouse than most I know. I thought I had the spouse I wanted pre-A. Now I know that THIS is the spouse I want. Sure, he has faults. R isn't perfect. But the partnership itself is pretty great.

A lot of it also is that I am young-ish and would like a partner in life. Besides the A, he was a great partner. Now, he's ideal. If I were to D, I'd want to get remarried. And I know that is risky, too. So maybe it is about taking the risk you know versus the risk you don't know?

And, yes, for the kids. Not because I have the belief that they need two parents together no matter what. But because I love my WH's parenting style, I love the uniqueness of our little family. And I am scared of a stepmom. Man, I've seen it work so beautifully for so many families, but it would break my heart.

ETA: to answer your question about how R is - better than I expected or worse. Well, it has followed a fairly typical story here with false R (TT). Lots of ups and downs. What I will say is that it has been such a positive experience for me personally. On an individual level, I've become more aware of my priorities, I'm more patient, I'm a better communicator (with everyone), and I have a deep level of peace that comes after a crisis, when you do the hard work, get to know yourself better, and take care of your soul. But that can be done without R. But doing it and seeing the effects on my family unit has been very satisfying.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:35 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Initially I stayed because for me, I had to know that I had done everything I could do before I could call it quits. At the time, it had little to do with him (crazy, huh?) That's just me though.

After a while (when mr unfound got on board), I stayed because I could see he was trying. I was reserved, but watching him closely as he started his own healing.

Then, I stayed because his efforts were consistent, his progress moving forward, the changes weren't surface changes, but changes at the core. I stayed because he was willing to go to a really ugly scary place in order to not only heal himself, but our M as well.

Eventually I stayed because not only could I see the possibility of R, but I believed it.

The reasons changed over time and they were sometimes really hard to accept (within myself).

Was it worth it? yes.

Was it what I expected? Not at all. Times it was worse, times better. Having a common goal, but different paths there, yet having to travel the same road at times makes for a long journey. A long, sometimes bumpy, sometimes cruisin speed journey.

From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I stayed for the kids. I didn't want to disrupt their lives. I wanted them to live in the same house with their dogs. I wanted them to go to the same private school and summer camp.

I also couldn't imagine some other woman (insert banned description of what type of woman he would have picked based on the AP here) raising my children half the time.

My WH had been such an absentee father for the prior 3 years that I didn't trust him with them either.

We had big credit card debt and a house that needed major reno. before we could sell it.

Basically I stayed because I liked the life we had made for the kids. If he would have cooperated and just disappeared somehow after DDay and everything else would magically stay the same I would have taken that option.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I stayed for different reasons each time. The first DDay, I was desperate. I didn't know anything else and he blind-sided me with affair. I wanted my marriage and my family to survive. I didn't want *her* to *win*. I wanted to fix things that I knew were broken to begin with. Mostly, I didn't want to walk away without knowing I did EVERTHING in my power to save my marriage. If it didn't work, I could tell my two girls that I tried, but it wasn't meant to be.

The second time, I wasn't going to stay. I had a separation agreement (a very fair one, even by my lawyer's standards), I had a house to move into, a full time position at my work (I'm currently part time), and a babysitter lined up. I was GONE.

What made me stay that time? Realizing my husband was completely at rock bottom and was BROKEN. I've known this man for 18 years, I know him. I knew this wasn't him. I knew this wasn't the legacy he wanted to live. I just *knew* it. I finally asked him "does she make you happy?" and his immediate answer was "NO! I don't even want to be with her anymore. Now that it's out, I can leave her and start over". It crushed me. WHY are you DOING this then, if it doesn't make you happy? I screamed. I cried. I completely lost it. That's when he finally *got it*. I could actually see the light bulb go off in his head. I didn't see that instant moment at all the first time around. No more anger, no more accusing me, no more anything other than "I need help and I don't know where to start"

That, my friend, is the *only* reason why I stayed. And I didn't stay with rainbows and butterflies in my head. I stayed conditionally. I stayed only if and when I could see my WS continuously helping himself and helping me. I still only stay with that in mind and he knows it. It's exhausting, but it's getting better. I'm healing, as is he. Albeit slowly.

I think the bottom line is the only reason why I can stay is because I continuously see sorrow, embarrassment, and healing with him. No more anger. If you can't have that, then it's not going to work. I've found and seen first hand.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 256 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I stayed because I love him. I stayed because I believed he deserved a second chance. I believed in us. We are working thru new things now, I finally have all of the truth...but I am staying because last night after he read the article from the healing library about compartmentalization and the thread from WS about compartmentalization, he said I totally understand compartmentalization but I don't know why I did this and I need to find out why. He said I have always loved you and this has nothing to do with you. You are my best friend.It is something in me that I need to fix. There was never anything you did or
did not do to make me do this. We are going to survive this and I love my husband more than words can say.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

I stayed because--despite it all--I truly love him. He says my love is for the man I'd like him to be; I say it's for the man he is--warts and all.

I stayed because my younger children deserve to have a father--however imperfect he might be. D would mean moving back to my "home" state (which I'd love in many ways) and separating my boys from their dad. My H loves his kids, but he couldn't possibly visit often enough to fill the void.

I stayed because a D would financially devastate us both. We're so near the edge right now. After 22 years of M and living in a community property state, I'd get A LOT of alimony and child support. He'd have to declare bankruptcy which would cause him to lose his security clearance and thus his job (and any future jobs in his field). That, in turn, would negate any alimony/child support. He made the choice for those to be the consequences. But I didn't. And neither did my children.

I stayed because we've been together for a very long time and most of that time has been worth saving. I sincerely hope our future is worth waiting for.

I stayed because I don't believe I could ever trust another man. If I made such a poor decision--ultimately--about this man, how could I do any better the next time? If this particular H could cheat, believe me, any man could cheat. He was a religious, committed, conservative, brilliant straight arrow--no alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, no vices I knew of.

I stayed because marriage/love are forever for me. Even after a D, I don't believe I could ever be intimate with another man. It would--bizarrely enough--seem like cheating to me.

I stayed because I felt like my children deserved to have me give the resurrection of our M my best shot. As a perfectionist, I didn't think looking in the mirror would be possible if I gave up--even when he so blatantly gave me an excuse to do so. My children needed to see, first-hand, that walking away from trouble and sorrow and challenge is NOT the solution. If this M fails, my children need to know (and me, too), all the way to their bones, that their mother did everything she could to save it.

I stayed because he recommitted to me even though he wasn't out of the fog and wasn't over her.

I stayed because I have hope and faith that things will get better. I stayed because I contributed, unknowingly, to the problems in our marriage. I stayed because we're both learning tools that could make our future better.

I stayed--even though I don't trust him and maybe never will--because what we could potentially have together is worth one more (and only one more) d-day. I can't check up on his e-mails and texts and phone calls because that's all through work and is classified. I can't catch him in more lies because he's extremely intelligent and would learn from his past mistakes about how to hide anything. I can only make judgements, daily, on his sincerity by watching how he treats us (much better than before his A), what he's giving up (certain addictions), how he's interacting with us, how he's trying to build trust (very subtle but present), and how loving/affectionate he's being with me. He's far too selfish to be that good of an actor.

I stayed because I love him.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 3:55 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thank you all, what fascinating responses.
I am digesting and processing all of this.
I know my WS loves me, and I know I love him (warts and all).
I am just very afraid of living a life of pain and paranoia.
I've been there before and I do not want to go back.
I do love him, so much. I wish it weren't so complicated.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I stayed because of her good parts. The bad part i had hopped we could work on. (a well as mine). And thus far we have.

Such s long road though.....

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I stayed because of her good parts. The bad part i had hopped we could work on. (a well as mine). And thus far we have.

Such s long road though.....

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 34