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User Topic: Got dumped out of the blue
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I got dumped out of the blue, via text message of all things. This by the man whom I just planned Labor Day weekend in Napa with. His reason: he does not trust me.

Backstory: he knew I was going to be out for GNO. My girlfriends and I had planned to be at a certain location and I had mentioned it to him. Then one of the girls changed the location last minute to a different place to try something new. SO was out of town anyhow, I did not mention the change of venue. Well, instead of coming back to town on Saturday, he came back Friday night, expected me to see me at this place and did not. He did not contact me, only when I texted him to check in he blew a gasket at me that I was not on GNO but lying and cheating. And that we were over!

I can't even begin to understand. Accusing me of lying and cheating after what I have been through is almost worse than the breakup itself.

Needless to say I tried to explain the situation to him but he had worked himself into such a paranoia that there was no way to have him see his error in judgement.

He was cheated on in his marriage. Not sure I did something to trigger him. I am just stunned, stunned and really hurt to be dumped this way.

No new relationship for me ever again. I made myself vulnerable again. Never again.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 11:59 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

OMG I'm so sorry! I thought things were going so well.

My gut response is the "He who smelt it dealt it." here, which doesn't offer much solace. Has he been insecure (regarding your relationship specifically - not his past) like this previously? If not, it seems like he may be projecting something happening on his side of the fence.

Whatever the reason, it's heartbreaking and I'm truly sorry. If he was going to wig out like this at any point, you dodged a longterm bullet here.

Please let me know if you need anything. I'm here for you.

(((fraeuken)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:04 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to. - Robin Williams

Posts: 16774 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I'm sorry but it sounds like he has some serious unresolved issues. This exactly what we don't want to take into our NB.

I understand being upset you weren't at the place you said you were going but why not just call/text and ask ?

Without him doing his own work, you dodged a bullet that would have come out later in the relationship.
You can't fix him, we have learned that lesson well.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20340 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I learned in counseling,,,"what do you KNOW, versus what do you THINK?"

It's unfortunate he didn't try to find out the truth before the blow up. He's probably always going to be like this---maybe he has always been this way......


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2024 | Registered: Jan 2012
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

So sorry. He really jumped to conclusions, and probably would do it again...do you really want to live like that?

As for this

No new relationship for me ever again. I made myself vulnerable again. Never again.
I've felt this way time and time again, but you know what? Hearts heal...your's will too....(((fraeuken)))

[This message edited by better4me at 12:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3062 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Sweety, I think you dodged a bullet. Why the hell was he looking for you on your GNO? That says more about him than anything you could have done. I have a feeling your life with him would have been one mistrustful encounter after another.

I am sorry that you're hurt, but try to see the bright side.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19946 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Sweety, I think you dodged a bullet. Why the hell was he looking for you on your GNO? That says more about him than anything you could have done. I have a feeling your life with him would have been one mistrustful encounter after another.

I was going to mention this too, why would he be trying to track you down on a GNO? And really who has concrete plans for something like that?


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Thanks and I know I might have dodged a bullet. Doesn't lessen the hurt right now. I am sure glad my best friend from Germany is coming to visit tomorrow. I need the distraction.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

(((frauken)))

This sucks. And you're right -- even knowing that you dodged a bullet doesn't make it hurt any less. But you are strong and resilient and learned some lessons from this which will help in your next relationship!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3295 | Registered: Dec 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

(((fraeuken)))

I'm so sorry. To be accused of something and then broken up with out of left field? It has to be painful, confusing, and frustrating. Sending you strength and huge hugs.


Posts: 34421 | Registered: Mar 2011
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

In your first posts about him you mentioned he seemed a bit insecure about the age difference.

I think he may have decided to test you. It just seems a bit too deliberate to show up at the place you were supposed to be at on a GNO. Who does that? An insecure person...


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17280 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Aw, that sucks. I'm sorry Frauken.

Sadly I can see myself reacting in the same way he did. Not that I would accuse the person of lying and cheating - but I may well have ended the relationship if I was told one thing and found out it wasn't true. But that is why I am not in, or looking for a relationship. I'm not ready - I'm guessing he isn't either.

[This message edited by Take2 at 1:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I agree. There has been a continues underlying insecurity about the age difference even though in our daily interaction and physically it did not ever matter. Or so I thought. And I let him know when he brought it up that I have never been with anybody as passionate as him and that it was not an issue ever.

I don't want to be tested. I am loyal to a fault. I was very clear with him that I will never tolerate infidelity and will never be unfaithful because I have been on the receiving end of it.

Looks also like he left town. Not showing up at church, his friend mentioning to me this morning that SO is not picking up his phone. I am worried about this side of him. Goes to show, love makes you blind.



Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I am so sorry, fraeuken... this really sucks. Even though you dodged a bullet, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

(((fraeuken)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15378 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I predict you will hear from him after he calms down. I think he it sounds like he thought he was doing something romantic (going to stop by and meet your girlfriends) so when he didn't find you, he felt rejected in two ways.

Idk what you want to do about it when you hear from him b/c his actions are over the top. I guess it will depend upon what he says. The feelings he's having I get, it's just what he's doing with them that ... give pause.

I'm sorry to hear this. But you know what? You reached out, enjoyed yourself, learned that you're ready to date and ... you are. This one just may not have been it. You've nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of.

(((frauken)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3041 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Oh frauken, I'm sorry to hear this.

His reaction, though, is very similar to reactions that my ex-shat would have to things he was feeling insecure about...right down to the disappearing act. I think that you will hear from him again. If you do, please, proceed very cautiously.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Thanks you all :-) Church was comforting and put things into perspective; now I am re-organizing the kitchen and getting the house ready for my friend to arrive tomorrow (her first time to the US). I picked a nice bottle of wine, got some steak for the girls and me for dinner and will just relax with a movie on my brandnew couch.

I will admit I miss him and I miss the thought of his embrace and kiss and the feeling of just chilling with him like we did so many nights for the past few weeks when my DDs were gone on vacation with their father. I will miss the laughter and the conversations. But I do see the red flags - as passionate as he is, he is very jealous, he can be controlling and I think because of his own unresolved hurt in the past he would not be the stable partner I need. I learned from him I can love again and I experienced a level of passion I never have in my 44 years. Maybe that's all it was meant to be.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

(((fraeuken))))

I hope you have a good visit with your friend.


I learned from him I can love again and I experienced a level of passion I never have in my 44 years. Maybe that's all it was meant to be.

um... that is a lot!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5741 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I learned from him I can love again and I experienced a level of passion I never have in my 44 years. Maybe that's all it was meant to be.

That's a wonderful attitude, and I'm happy for you that you learned that much (and experienced a higher level of passion). When the pain fades, hopefully it will help you to move on, knowing that more/better is out there.
I also, like the others, think you dodged a bullet here. The need to defend yourself must be strong for someone as loyal as you.


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

((Freuken))


I'm sorry this happened.

I had a wonderful 4 month relationship with someone during the first summer I was dating again. It was passionate and intense and doomed. It still hurt but it did remind me I could feel again. It took a while to recover but I did and dated and loved again.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8434 | Registered: Apr 2008
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I echo the poster who pointed out that it was odd he was looking for you on a GNO.

This bothers me in a big way.

I am a BS (and I don't have an SO, so take this with a grain of salt) but I would NEVER go looking for someone while he was out with his friends. Ever.

It's not that he cannot trust you. You haven't done anything wrong. He can't let go of control enough to trust ANYONE.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

So, he called a little while ago. He is in the hospital. I knew in my gut something was going on. He had a bad knee injury last week and it became a major issue that could potentially have cost him his leg. I am glad he is in the hospital and getting care.

It does not change anything about the situation. But I do believe the true reason came out. He told me he had hoped that I would have not responded to his text message dumping me. That I would have not cared enough about him dumping me. Well, he was wrong...I raised hell with him, not wanting to be accused of something I did not do and not wanting to lose him.

He told me that he feels guilty about being with me, that I have many years ahead of me with many options and choices and that he is much closer to his end of life. He feels he is wasting my time because now I am still young and vibrant to find an SO closer to my age who might become my husband and be with me growing old; a role that he cannot fulfill because of our age difference.

I get it, but it does not make it easier. Do I wish he was younger so we would not have this problem? Sure. But at the same time, he would not be the person I fell hard for if he was younger.

So here I am, trying to distract myself and all I am able to do is to think of him and the great times we had. Dancing, having a picnic, chilling and watching a movie, just holding each other, him taking care of me when I broke down over not being with my daughter on her 16th birthday.

I feel like I lost something very special to circumstances that everybody but me cares about.

What a mess, going from being blissfully happy to this.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

((((Frauken))))

What a bum deal.

But seriously, who wants to hook up permanently with someone whose baggage weighs so much and occupies so much space. Basically he isn't ready for an honest healthy relationship and you don't deserve what he's done.

It might help if you think hard about what you lost versus who you lost. The trappings of a relationship can be replaced. And the heartache of being with someone who isn't well equipped emotionally to be in a relationship - well you can let it go.

Dodged a bullet. It coulda been worse. It coulda happened 3 or 5 years from now.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

((((((frae)))))))


Me: 41
Two boys: 17 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25509 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, August 12th (Monday)

No advice lady just ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, August 12th (Monday)

(((fraeuken)))

I was in a similar situation with my exSO, not the age difference, but him believing I am better off without him. Our backgrounds are drastically different, economic situation, the way I "look" (I dress conservatively while he has tats and dresses very edgy). I tired to explain to him that those "things" didn't bother me...but they bothered him. He would say "people think we don't match".

It boils down to his insecurity was the real issue. He couldn't simply be happy I was there and cared for him. So, it had to end. I know, for me, I don't ever want to have to convince someone to be with me ever again.

I'm sorry you are hurting.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 12th (Monday)

It has been a rough night. I did not realize how vulnerable I let myself be again. I guess that is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. I am glad I could be vulnerable but the pain has brought me to my knees again.

I have decided to completely withdraw, 180 him to gain my strength back. It won't be easy because we are in a small town and our paths will cross. I thought I would never hurt like this again. Breakup's suck, from now on it will be only me, my kids, my friends and my work. Time to let go of the notion that somebody would want to be with me for good.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Sweety, I think you dodged a bullet. Why the hell was he looking for you on your GNO? That says more about him than anything you could have done. I have a feeling your life with him would have been one mistrustful encounter after another.

^^^This. I consider this stalking. How many other times has he done this that you don't even know about? RUN, RUN, RUN. I wouldn't even attempt 180, I would do complete NC.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Time to let go of the notion that somebody would want to be with me for good.

I know you''re hurting and feel blindsided (again). But truly, this is all about his own insecurities and nothing to do with you. Just like with your xWH, it''s ALL him and NOTHING to do with who you are.

I can appreciate the thought that giving up on dating and being happy by yourself is comforting. If you choose that route, that''s fine. I care very much for the guy I''m dating but even I sometimes think, it''s really not worth the trouble. But that''s a different thing than thinking you''re alone purely b/c no one wants you. That''s nonsense and you know it.

((((frauken))))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3041 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 12th (Monday)

This guy sounds like a huge emotional drain. He broke up with you because he wanted you to validate his feeling insecure? Seriously???

I agree that you dodged a bullet and are much better off without him.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13648 | Registered: Jul 2011
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I am just incredibly tired. I feel I keep on giving just to get the "it's not you, it
's me " speech and off they go. I always struggled with not feeling good enough. Situations such as these set me back big times.

Thank you all. I hear you. My heart is still reeling, once the pain subsides I knows head will prevail.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 12th (Monday)

My heart is still reeling, once the pain subsides I knows head will prevail.

Seriously, if we could make a pill that could bring head and heart together on the same plane, it would make us billionaires. Not to mention, at peace.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Seriously, if we could make a pill that could bring head and heart together on the same plane, it would make us billionaires. Not to mention, at peace.

I am with you; you would think they would have come up with something like this by now. Broken hearts have are as old as mankind, maybe somethings are not meant to be healed by anything other than time.

He ended up in the hospital on the weekend; prior to him leaving town he had a knee injury that became so infected that he ended up with sepsis and he had to be admitted. It was touch and go for 48 hours until his body responded to the treatment. He reached out to me to apologize for his behavior on but was really weak and we did not talk very long.

I did go and see him yesterday; nothing will change with regards to our relationship but it was good to talk things through and get his apology.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

(((fraeuken)))


You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to. - Robin Williams

Posts: 16774 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Hope you are feeling better after talking with him and hearing his apology.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3062 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 35