Just Found Out
User Topic: Found Deceased WS Journal
New Member
Member # 40273
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

my WS passed away suddenly several months ago. Due to his relapses and drug addiction, the issue of infidelity came up in our marriage - both EAs and PAs. I let him know that even though he always denied everything, I'd stopped believing him. I also told him that it was difficult maintaining the intimate side of our relationship. He always 'understood' and was willing to wait until I felt better about the situation. I had also confronted him about what I believed was a sexual addiction due to his trying to hide his visiting of porn sites on the computer. He would also lie about what he was doing.
After he died, I had to look for insurance papers. He died suddenly and all of his papers were scattered in various locations around our home. I came across workbooks and journals that were part of his 12 step program recovery.
Needless to say, I came across an accounting of all of his activities with women, sex, deception that covered a period of 40 years. We'd been together for about 18 years. Everything I'd suspected and things of which I had no idea were written out in his own words.
I am totally devastated, depressed and in shock. And furious. But yet, I was the 'love of his life.'


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Vida, I'm so sorry that you found all that and now are affected!! It's very traumatizing, even if he is no longer living. Forty years! Please take gentle care of yourself, and I hope you will consider counseling for yourself to handle this shock.

{{{ Vida }}}

Posts: 1275 | Registered: Aug 2010
New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I was going to write "I can't imagine..." but I guess we all actually can. Hugs to you in this difficult time.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Welcome to SI Vida.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Even though you must have expected some of it, the reality of it, the details, must come as a shock.

Is there someone you can talk to about this in real life? A frined, a relative, a support group, an IC? Since your WH is not here to receive your anger and your distress, you will need an outlet all the same.

Hand in there and post as much as you need.

I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I'm sorry Vida. It hurts.

The hardest part of this will be learning to accept that you will never get answers or any type of closure.

I'm two years out from FWS's death and I'm only now coming to grips with this.

It ain't easy.



BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

My late STBX committed suicide almost a year ago. I had moved out almost a year before that after I found his secret "affair stash" briefcase with the viagra and the love letters. Puke.

I never confronted him because our mediators told me it would make him easier to negotiate with if he was not aware that I knew. I was fine with that.

Then he killed himself and he left his iphone unlocked for me to have. All the pics and letters and whatnot - all there. Our entire marriage had been a lie and he was doing 4 women at the time of his death and they all called me. I let them all have it between the eyes. But I can never let him have it between the eyes.

I am getting over that mainly by being glad I am alive and he is not. I never have to deal with him again. I like that alot.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this now. Please get some good counseling. I did and it helped alot.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

((((Vida))) I'm so very sorry.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8857 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Devastating really does't adequately describe the magnitude of the pain of your discovery.
Overwhelming to have the confession from the grave while you are dealing with so much.

BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
New Member
Member # 40273
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I just want to thank everyone who responded to my message. I did find a couple of meetings I can attend. I didn't realize that this was such a problem (I don't know why I didn't!). The lack of closure because of his death is..I don't even know what to call it. I'm glad i found this site. Thanks again- you've really helped me.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

((((Peace and strength ))))

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

((( Vida )))

I am so so very sorry.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Topic Posts: 12