User Topic: A large amount of affairs go undetected!
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

This blows my mind. Look at how many of us are here and imagine that many BS never find out.

With my husbands affair I walked in a room they were in together and they Were standing much too close together for just friends. If I hadn't walked in that day I would have never suspected anything at all. Was there one magic bullet that got your antenna up? Could your WS's affair gone undetected?

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

My husband made it a year and a half after ending it without me ever suspecting.

Discovery was by pure accident on my part. Granted I was very distracted the year he was having his affair with work and my father being ill.

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Yep, totally. Got an anonymous letter.

Only red flag was deleted texts. No change in behavior at all.

Now there is LOTS of change in behavior.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I didn't suspect a thing until he came home and said he thought we needed to separate. I thought his erratic behavior was due to job stress.

I never thought he would cheat.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I never suspected his first two affairs. They were long over by the time I found out about AP #3 who I thought was #1. I still didn't know about the first two until a year after that.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I believe I read somewhere that the reason most affairs go undetected is that *most* of them take place in the early years of the marriage. You are much more likely to notie changes in behavior after many years of marriage.

While I did not "catch" WH for DDay #1 (I went looking because his behavior was suspicious), I now believe that he cheated before. Probably many times.

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Since my exfiancé before my husband had cheated on me (thus why we never married) I knew some signs. Specifically turning the computer monitor away or closing browser windows when I came into the room.

This my wayward husband did. I sort of brushed it off. Then while searching his email sent folder for an email I had sent using his email (joint hobby interest used that email). I found an email he sent to ow1. That's when I knew for sure he was cheating.

I would like to think I would have seen signs even if I didn't read that email but he managed to have online personal ads and A's plus a PA after ow1 so, maybe not.

Posts: 3057 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

The worst thing about sex addiction is that it escalates. Even though I was in the dark about the early behavior, he got more and more blatant as he got more and more devoted to his addictions. He also got more careless, in what may have been, in his opinion, an attempt to blow his cover with me, so that I would find out, and then insist he stop, as he was incapable of stopping himself.
Truly sick thinking.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3648 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I always worried my husband would cheat on me with the woman he did it with because I knew he was attracted to her. I stupidly believed them both when they said they would never do that to me. One day I chose to surprise him at work for lunch with our son and as I was waiting in the turn lane to get onto the street his building is on, I see OW's ugly green van turn onto the street. At first I thought I was mistaken and she didn't turn toward WH work so I almost dismissed it but then I followed and saw where she parked. I asked my husband and of course he denied and said he thought maybe she was stalking him, which I stupidly believed. I knew something wasn't right and I asked OW point blank what was going on. She told me that I needed to ask my husband and that's when he finally confessed. Until I caught him, though I had worried about it, I never really thought he would do it, things were great between us, better than ever. If I hadn't gone to surprise him at lunch that day it would have continued I am sure of it. WH says he wanted out by that point, that the OW had begun to make him miserable, which I believe because I know her, but he was too afraid to end it completely because she kept threatening to kill herself or tell me.

Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."

Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I felt something was off within a few weeks of when he first started to see her.

Didnt start poking around for a few more months. Felt I might just be going nuts.

WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

WH's last instance of infidelity ended in July or August 2012 and I only started to find out in February 2013.

I found out by anonymous email. WH only admitted one at first. Then in April I got the whole story (from him).


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

So true.

I have no idea how many my husband had before I caught on to him---at least a dozen years after he began cheating.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8830 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I've been married for 13 years, and over the past few weeks I've learned that his infidelity has spanned our entire marriage.

I guess I don't know any different.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I found out this year that my husband had an affair with my best friend 32yrs ago.

I didn't suspect at all and although it lasted only 6 weeks I am still in total shock. I feel my life with him has been a total lie

Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

My wh had issues with online infidelity but I realized it was than that when I found condoms in his bag after a business trip

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I would anticipate many (MANY!) affairs go undetected. In my situation, I simply did not, or could not, recognize the OBVIOUS signs of infidelity.

I trusted my husband completely. I had no experience of him as a liar, or a cheat. I thought he was the most honorable man around. I knew him only as the devoted father, husband, community member. He was all of this for many years. But even when he started to change and was (I now recognize) so obviously having affairs, I could not see it as the truth.

It was not until he met his "soulmate" and fell in lourve, that he made certain I understood he was a liar and a cheat. Of course, even though he wanted to leave our family to be with her, he denied, denied and blame shifted, in the manner of all NPDs who do get caught.

Me: BS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

The X always had female friends; OW was not unusual. If he hadn't suddenly gone silent about her, I probably never would have suspected. That was the catalyst that made me dig into his phone records, voicemail & prescription records. The rest is history.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

The day my WH ended his A I found out. Not because he told me but because MOW showed up drunk at my door to throw his ass under the bus.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I never would have guessed my H had an affair. It was four years ago and i had no clue until he told me last month. I still dont fully believe it

Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I knew something was happening before he had the affair and even confronted him about his strange behavior. It kills me that I asked him and then he still went ahead. For example, before the affair, he went shopping for new clothes and started working out by himself. I typically buy his clothes and we always work out together. I confronted him on a weekend and said the following 1) I think you have a crush on a coworker, 2)what is going on with you, 3) is this is midlife crisis, 3) do not bring a third person into our marriage and 4) I want to fight for our marriage and not let it fizzle.

Guess what he did the very next day? Texted the coworker and asked her to meet him Tuesday night by Friday they had slept together.

He picked up his Viagra prescription and that was the final bullet. I had her name at 9:39AM Friday, they slept together at noon.

I would love to call him so many names right now, as I asked him to his face BEFORE and then hours afterward he contacts her.

I knew something was going on. I felt like I was in an invisible chess game.

This is the hot topic in MC, because I cannot get past it...

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I wonder if there is any data out there as to how many As go undetected. I feel like I've seen somewhere that close to half of marriages will experience infidelity. I feel as though I hear with some frequency that a marriage is ending due to an A - so it doesn't seem like a lot goes undetected...esp. if you consider that for every M I hear about that ends due to an A, one goes into R (or just doesn't end) and the infidelity is not spoken about publicly but was detected nonetheless.

Anyway, I'm mostly just curious. I'd imagine a lot of ONS go undetected. With longer As, there are just more "chances" of being busted - as many say here - they happened to see a car, a flirty glance, etc.

And for every "smart" person electronically, there are a dozens of "dumb" ones who can't cover their tracks for months or weeks. And with so many As having a tech component, it just seems that MORE would be detected these days than ever before, when perhaps As were limited to a landline, or a work phone, or out of town meetings.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I've read that most go undetected.
When we talked to the BS of those involved in our situation three out of the four said it was not their spouse's first rodeo. Sad...

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.

Posts: 5246 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I had 2 red flags from the beginning of my marriage in 2003/2004, but I cast them aside. I had another red flag of PA in 2010, but I was pregnant with twins and did not want to face it. Reality hit me 10-8-12 when the OW mistook our home phone number for his cell phone number and left 3 messages.

BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

If I hadn't checked his phone I wouldn't have know anything. Even though he said he didn't want to be married anymore I've often wondered if he would ever told me. I will never know and most days don't even care.

There were times in the past that my gut was screaming and I asked him if he was involved with someone. Which he always denied. Also, something I will never know. Since I found SI and have read over and over again to trust your gut I do think he has done this before. I just never caught him.

Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

H had two EAs. I would have never detected any of them, simply because:

1) the first EA was taking place when I was at work. They met when I was at work and when they had their meetings. I could have ever known. I noticed a change in behavior and confronted him twice but I never suspected an EA. There was a lot going on with his parents' health and his job, so I thought the change had to do with that. It was not until the bimbo started calling our home like there was no tomorrow that I started suspecting. I played it cool, they got bolder, and i gave them enough rope to hang themselves with and they did not disappoint me.

The second EA was with a woman up north. I was told a couple of years in advance that a friend of his had introduced him to a circle of his friends and that she was part of it. I saw emails here and there but nothing in those emails to raise an eyebrow. Things started changing early in the fall of 2012 when the emails got a bit more frequent and soon early in 2013 the flirting and instant messaging and the secret gifts to her took place. I confronted and it is over.

The second EA - the start of it- I detected right away. When I saw the first flirticious ( sp??) emails I put a stop to it.So yes, the second EA could and would have gone undetected only because the woman was in another state, and his friends would not tell on him. If it were not for me snooping occasionally, I would not have found out.

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 874 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I really starting to believe that my WH was open to the idea for at least a few years. I just remember him starting to wear AXE deodorant a few years before his A. He stopped wearing it right after DDAY 2. I remember getting into his car a few times and the seat was not in the right position. I also remember finding long blonde hairs. He was also always on his computer.

Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I had no idea. XWH left the window to his secret email account open... but I think he did it on purpose because he didn't want to keep his dirty little secret any longer, yet he was too cowardly to tell me face to face like a grown-up.

But, if he hadn't done that, I would have had no clue whatsoever. The OW was LD, and since I trusted XWH implicitly, I never checked credit card statements or wondered where he was. There were a couple of things that I see as red flags now, but they were so subtle, and I never thought he'd cheat on me, so I completely dismissed them.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I am 100% certain it didn't happen at all before this year.

But as soon as he moved for his new job, it was like he became another person.

I now suspect he tried with a different D coworker as soon as he got there and she rejected him. Their relationship had been fine and extremely productive until they went on a staff training weekend together and he lied about them sharing a cabin. She refused to even attend meetings with him after that. He told me she was just competitive and crazy.

Within a few months he had moved on to another D coworker. She became OW. He swears she initiated, but whatever. He was willing.

He swears up and down OW was the first time he cheated on me. Technically I think it's true. But I don't think it was from lack of trying.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, August 12th (Monday)

He started two years in and never looked back. I had no clue.

The fact that he worked on the road didn't help. I had no way of knowing what went on out there and I trusted. Period. Full stop.

Like scaredykat said, he ramped up and was wanting to get caught. I was so clueless he had to take it to a ridiculous level to get my attention.


Silly me.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, August 12th (Monday)

The first time, no way, he was way to obvious although so very careful. Took me 3yrs to find proof. When it went underground, I would still not know if I hadn't accidentally found his web history by logging into his email that I set up for him. He never used it for his dirty work but it left a trail that found. His behavior is so diff than the first time so yea, I wouldn't have known.
He has a well behaved ow who's never contacted me, doesn't tell ppl, and he's never left a shred of evidence.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:47 AM, August 12th (Monday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, August 12th (Monday) your tag line. So fitting for myself. I don't know the past either, just bits I've put together. It's very difficult planning a future when you don't have all the pieces of the past
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, August 12th (Monday)

If my WH hadn't placed that ad on craigslist that morning..using our shared computer(not his cell,like he had been)..and had he not forgotten to log out of his secret email account..I never would have known.

As it is...I can look back over our marriage..and see red flags flying at different times...he swears he never cheated before..other than *this* time...and I have no proof that he did(he is fully aware of this)..but my gut says he did. Im quite sure there were others that I never knew of.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7674 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I wonder if there is any data out there as to how many As go undetected.

I do remember reading an article on this...maybe it was on SI. Not sure.

It was saying that more woman's A are never discovered versus males; even if their M ends, she is more likely to take it to her grave.

In my own case, my ex had many more As then I knew. Only once I began the D proceedings did more come out of the woodwork. I can not imagine how many there really were.

It doesn't matter anymore though - I got validation I was not insane so I am good.

Edited....too early on a Monday - more typos than usual!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:28 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2176 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I can believe that a lot of affairs go undetected. It's easy to abuse the trust of someone who loves you. My wife was on a dating site for 20 months and meeting with one guy regularly every couple of weeks while I was at work for sex. She used secret e-mail accounts, our home phone because the bill wasn't itemized, she knew I never looked at her phone or laptop - because she knew I trusted her. I made it easy. It was a pure accident that I discovered her affair. I'm sure her plan was to keep it going as long as she wanted because what I didn't know couldn't hurt me...until her AP gave us MRSA.

Betrayal is easy...staying loyal is hard, commitment is hard, choosing to love and work on a marriage instead of acting single and dating behind your spouses back to get your jollies is hard.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2011
New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 12th (Monday)

trust your gutt.. it never lies... IF you are feeling little twangs in your stomach.. something is wrong....

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 12th (Monday)

If I had not happened to pick up wh cell I dont know when I would have found out or how much longer his "thing" with mow would have went on. All the signs/red flags were there but I trusted him. I thought his behavior was just him being overwhelmed with life, work our kids. I trusted him 100%....I just kept giving him more space and he used it to screw mow. sure a lot of this crap goes undetected because WE trust our spouses. We should be able to. Its sad that we couldn't or shouldn't have.

I deserved the person he pretended to be. I deserve a faithful, loyal husband. I deserve a monogamous marriage. I deserve to be the
"only woman" in my marriage and in my wh head.

But whatever...

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Topic Posts: 36