Topic: Is this cheating ?
Member # 40279
| Posted: 6:28 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
My husband has been acting very strange for awhile, so I decided to start checking his phone and internet history ect, I ended up finding out that he has been visiting a dating site.
I got a good friend of mine who works in IT to look into it and told me that he has been visiting the site quite often for months, should I concerned ? or confront him ? I'm confused, I don't want to lose my family of 3....help please, thanks
[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:42 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]
Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: USA
Member # 35862
| Posted: 6:31 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
To be blunt, you don't go to a dating site when you're married to just make friends.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 9-09, but I didn't feelTRUE R started until 12-09 when the fog really lifted due to a medical condition with me.
Every day gets a little better.
Posts: 584 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 30989
| Posted: 7:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
Yes. It is cheating. Men don't create accounts on dating sites to meet tennis partners.
They do it to have affairs.
Even if he has not advanced to physical affairs, devoting emotional energy to corresponding, talking with, doing ANYTHING AT ALL with women to whom he is not married is, in fact, CHEATING.
I'm so, so sorry.
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke
Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 29541
| Posted: 7:06 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
Do YOU think it is cheating? Is this OK with you?
Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2010
Member # 21886
| Posted: 7:11 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
FWW here. IMO if he isn't cheating now, he's looking to. As Flatlined said, you don't go on a dating site to make friends unless it's "friends with benefits". If you confront him, be prepared for minimizing and gaslighting - "it's not what you think" "just curious" "it's not *really* cheating if we 'just talk' and don't meet" etc. Bottom line is if he's giving attention to another woman that he should be giving YOU then it's cheating.
BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
Posts: 5832 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Member # 10866
| Posted: 7:15 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
ditto what previous posters said that even if he hasn't met anyone in person, it is cheating.
I would go a step furhter and say that in very rare circumstances do they not go and meet up with someone.
Be prepared for the:
"I'm just curious" or "I wanted to meet new people." This is not a friend's site.
I caught my XWH on Adult Friend Finder (a swinger's type site). He stuck to the "I was curious" and "It was just a lark." I believe he met with people on there.
Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
Member # 40095
| Posted: 7:22 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
My wh started out with online dating sites, moved to online sites like aff, then moved to meeting up with women for sex. It's cheating and you should definitely be prepared for gas lighting. I strongly suggest setting boundaries and going to individual and marriage counseling
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.
Posts: 222 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Member # 35971
| Posted: 8:00 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
My WH started with looking on dating sites, then collecting phone numbers and emails in hotel bars while traveling. Eventually he hooked up with a conference whore (female attendee who sees an out of town conference as a chance to party and get laid) at a work conference.
Cheating? Yes. If he's not doing it with your knowledge and permission, he knows it is wrong and needs to be hidden. It is betrayal.
Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
Dday May 2012
Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 33867
| Posted: 8:03 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
He is either actively cheating or setting the ground work to cheat.
Either easy this is a HUGE red flag.
ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 1973 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 38378
| Posted: 8:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
Yes, it's cheating. I also think of this as setting the stage.
In my mind and some friends, soon as he got the idea to hit that key on his keyboard, it was cheating. I know it may be an extreme way of thinking, but it's thought of as going outside of your marriage at all.
And, very disrespectful to you, your family and children, if you have them.
I'm really sorry.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 39858
| Posted: 9:46 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
My WH had multiple accounts on multiple sites, and engaged in at least 1 ONS with an OW he found through one of them.
And he says "I listed my status as married." As though that makes it okay. At least he's being honest with the OW. Because being honest with the OW is all that matters, I suppose.
But those OW from the sites who selectively choose married men to seduce get an ego boost knowing they've been able to get the attention of someone who is "supposedly" unavailable.
So she gets his honest status AND an ego boost.
And I get this.
BW - 41 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.
Posts: 247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 32554
| Posted: 10:07 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
Gently, the fact that he's going to dating websites means you already have lost your precious family of three. That ship has sailed.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 8782 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 35813
| Posted: 10:25 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
Yes, it is cheating, and most definitely shows the intent to cheat. I wish I would have taken it more serious when I found my ex-husbands adult friend finder profile 11 years ago. I remember confronting him and he managed to explain it away, saying he was making a profile for his dad. How I fell for that excuse I don't know because it seems so obvious now that even back then, when we were only dating, he was already lying to me and looking for hookups! I believe now that he was already sleeping with other women back then. Fast forward to now, I discovered him having an affair last year and filed for divorce. Basically I wasted my child bearing years on a lying piece if shit, ignoring all warning signs because all I wanted was love and a family. Ironically he couldn't father any children. How convenient for a serial cheater. Please, please don't ignore the red flags. Your heart and health isn't worth it. What if he is hooking up with other women? Go get STD tests. I have been there and done that, and as much as it is stressful it was a huge relief for me to know I am clean even though my ex was with numerous other women the whole time we dated and were married.
I am sorry this is happening to you but I am glad you found us. There is some very strong collective wisdom here.
Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!
"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"
Posts: 215 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Member # 40075
| Posted: 10:42 PM, August 11th (Sunday)|
Yep---its cheating. Like BCEMS, I was a sucker for a looong time (5 yrs. her 1st A)I had my head up my tail for so long, its friggin' amazing. But, when you trust, you trust, and its hard to see the red flags. Wify, sorry to say this, but this is a bigtime red flag.
Hang in there; we have your back!
Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
Divorced and Done!--7/13
Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Member # 34827
| Posted: 3:41 AM, August 12th (Monday)|
My ws has them in his web history and I don't know if he's looking, talking, or sexing but the fact that he's gone in more than once is cheating in my book. Curiosity?? Perhaps but why be curious about single women looking for men or married women looking for affairs. If he's looking, he's considering..Jmo
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Posts: 3974 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
|Topic Posts: 15|| |