Just Found Out
User Topic: Now what?
New Member
Member # 39824
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

My WH who was cheating on me for the last 5 months is completely spiraling out of control. At first it was me who fell apart. Looking back I think he liked me in that state because I still felt like I needed him. Now it has been just over one month and I am holding myself together pretty well considering. He lied about everything. In fact the night I found everything out through a mutual friend, he was still talking to the OW. Now he is drinking heavily because I asked him to leave the house and stay with his mom until I could think straight.
this past weekend I took the kids to a friends camp where I am from and he completely went off the deep end. Drinking heavily and taking pills which he was perscribed to help him sleep from all the axiety issues in the last 5 months (no I understand the reason behind is anxiety). He called and texted me constantly demanding to talk to the kids. Tonight when he dropped the kids off he just looked awful and he was holding his chest and acting really very bizarre. I am worried about. Him hurting himself. I called his father and sister so they could keep an eye on him, but ip now I question is he doing this to make me feel bad and want to take him back. Is he that desperate?

Has anyone else had this situation?

When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Northeast
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

but ip now I question is he doing this to make me feel bad and want to take him back. Is he that desperate?
Has anyone else had this situation?

Yes and Yes.

Don't try to fix him. Don't ask others to check on him. He is an adult. Let him act like one. This is no different than the 2 year old who throws a tantrum and bangs their head on the floor.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 903 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

FWH spiraled out of control as he was going NC, going through withdrawal, etc. It's hard, but I had to let him fall.

Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I question is he doing this to make me feel bad and want to take him back. Is he that desperate?

Hi Joyless29,

My guess is that the behavior is not an intentional ploy to get you back. Rather, you are seeing just how bad his coping skills and self-soothing abilities are. He is numbing his thoughts with alcohol and pills rather than address the issues. He his accepting the role of victim in this drama of his rather than taking responsibility.

There is nothing that you can do to help him with this, and the call to his family to keep an eye on him was a nice gesture. This is all on him. He needs to work through his Whys?, as in why he had an A, but before he can do that he needs to sober up and take responsibility.

Continue to focus on you and your children.

dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Leave him to his behavior- it is self destructive. Is this his way of winning you back?
I am sorry but he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and try a different approach.
He needs to fix his own issues first. I know the above seems cold, but you need to take care of yourself and your children first.

Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 12th (Monday)

He cannot fix you, and you cannot fix him. The only person that you can fix is yourself. You do need to keep enough tabs on things to make sure that he is capable of caring for the children when they are with him, however he has to fall as far as he has to fall, to either hit bottom and bounce back, or hit bottom and flatten out. I know it''s hard we''re wired by past emotions and by our feelings to worry about them. But you have to take care of yourself as first priority and your children as second priority. He cannot be a priority right now because he has fired you from the position of wife. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 6