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User Topic: Communicating triggers
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Do you always tell your WS when things trigger you?

We dropped my daughter off at camp today, the same camp I was at last spring right before Dday. I've been really melancholy all day but have tried to put things aside to let my DD have a good camp send off and spend a relAtively nice afternoon with WS and DS. But I'm snappy and want to lash out and just feel sad.

Do I just push through it and start afresh tomorrow or do I bring it up. It just seems like every day I have something new triggering me and having to explain why each little thing affects me seems daunting. I don't want WS to forget I'm hurting but I don't want to be constantly explaining each little trigger. At some point I want to be able to retake those memories from her and for some reason going over them with WS sometimes blows them up rather than helps me work through them.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

For me it depends on how long it affects my mood. I think of the A almost nonstop. When a trigger angers me, there is really no way to keep it in. Sometimes a trigger happens and passes and then the memory of that trigger is the trigger, make sense? If you can't let it go then talk about it. If you can let it pass and say screw them and their selfishness, they aren't taking me down, then do it. I'm sorry your hurting.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I do but I'm starting to wonder if it just sets me up to be hurt again. I don't know if it's me or him. He says I won't stop until we fight and I say he sits there with this blank stare on his face afraid to say anything. It's hard for me to hide it, he can tell when I'm upset....total strangers can tell when I'm upset. It must be written all over my face.

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jul 2013
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Sorry for your predicament.

I was just wondering. I read a lot on this site about 'reclaiming' the thing that is the trigger.

I think sometimes bringing up every trigger can be exhausting for both of you - but...what if you explain the trigger, and ask your WS if he has any ideas about how you could 'reclaim' that trigger. Something you could do - or a new 'tradition' that could be started - to mark something positive.

Is that possible? Just an idea.

Sorry you are hurting.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1857 | Registered: Apr 2012
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

I get the "setting me up to be hurt again" feeling as well.

I finally did bring my thoughts up to WS a few minutes ago because he was insistent on finding out what was wrong. He hadnt realized there was any connection with the camp and the A. I guess he wouldn't since during the A he seemed to have very little concept of what was going on in the rest of the family's life.

I think why communicating triggers sometimes makes it worse for me is that the trigger is bad enough, realizing he has pushed the A out of his mind so quickly and easily that he doesn't immediately get why I'm triggering is another level of pain. I feel like he should remember every landmark and detail of the A because I do.

Yet Maybe it good that he can let OW and the A go so easily. It was like he turned off a switch and the A is gone. It isn't so much rug sweeping because he doesn't want to ignore the issues. He wants to make things better and is going to MC and IC and doing all the right things. It's just he is able to say A's over I'm done. I wish I could do the same.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Yet Maybe it good that he can let OW and the A go so easily. It was like he turned off a switch and the A is gone. It isn't so much rug sweeping because he doesn't want to ignore the issues. He wants to make things better and is going to MC and IC and doing all the right things.

Exactly. Take comfort in the fact that she was nothing. Let him know your in pain. Let him help. Let him own the pain he's caused and see how much of your life is affected by it. It will make you feel better and make him realize the full depth of betrayal. But remember he can't help if he doesn't know something is wrong. And that's the real kicker. Being helped by the source of your pain. ((Hugs))


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Yet Maybe it good that he can let OW and the A go so easily. It was like he turned off a switch and the A is gone. It isn't so much rug sweeping because he doesn't want to ignore the issues. He wants to make things better and is going to MC and IC and doing all the right things. It's just he is able to say A's over I'm done. I wish I could do the same.

It's so easy and convenient for him to move on and forget..I think that makes me angry too. When we start fighting over one of my triggers he gets up and goes in another room. I wish walking out of the room allowed me not to think about it. I don't have that option. He doesn't get it. Why should I suffer in silence over something he created.

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jul 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Bring it up.....don't burry it. Give him and your son a reason for why you were on edge. Don't let them think you are angry at them.....you are angry at the A and the trigger.

I found communication about triggers so much easier after 3 things

1) hubby had a good session in IC about what I am going through and what triggers are and why I have them.

2) I got medication to help slow the triggers and the depression down to a dull roar instead of a deafening hurricane

3) I started to understand it wasn't my hubby but the trigger that was causing my pain in many cases. I started communicating immediately when I faced a trigger letting him know what the trigger was and why it was affecting me so much. He found this incredibly helpful in understanding that he wasn't the Center of the anger or trigger. Yes he caused it to be there but now, after a year, I can objectively understand most of my triggers and deal with them quickly.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Bring it up.....don't burry it. Give him and your son a reason for why you were on edge. Don't let them think you are angry at them.....you are angry at the A and the trigger.

I found communication about triggers so much easier after 3 things

1) hubby had a good session in IC about what I am going through and what triggers are and why I have them.

2) I got medication to help slow the triggers and the depression down to a dull roar instead of a deafening hurricane

3) I started to understand it wasn't my hubby but the trigger that was causing my pain in many cases. I started communicating immediately when I faced a trigger letting him know what the trigger was and why it was affecting me so much. He found this incredibly helpful in understanding that he wasn't the Center of the anger or trigger. Yes he caused it to be there but now, after a year, I can objectively understand most of my triggers and deal with them quickly.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I am in the bring it up camp. My WH, even at well over a year out from d day, doesn't get them automatically. He usually senses something is wrong and guesses there was a trigger. Why should a friends' 3 year old's birthday trigger me? Well because she was born during the birth of the A so to speak. He (like your wh) is sometimes clueless as to what was going on in our family life at time of A, and as to sequences of events that are now burned into my brain.

I find that now I often roll through a trigger. But the cluster $*#% that this all is often leads to another related one popping up And then another and another. And I will call mercy and tell him that I am triggering and why. No one knows in our lives, except IC and a few friends an ocean or two away, so sometimes we have a hard time dealing with them at the moment if in public or with our kids.

I am in A season now, approx 20 months out from d day. Hang in there. Don't stuff it in. Take care of yourself. I know this sounds goofy, but what about a code word that means trigger? To use when you can't explain or if you don't want to....


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 10