Just Found Out
User Topic: Jerked around over and over
New Member
Member # 40054
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, August 12th (Monday)

In three weeks time, my lying cheating husband of 30 yrs has taken me on a horrific roller coaster of ups and downs. A month ago I was married to a nice guy, who was a little distant and irritable at times, but I gave him space to work it out. Not that he communicated anything with me. 3 weeks ago, he confessed to going to strip clubs for the last 4 mos and sharing his distress over our marriage with strippers. I felt betrayed, hurt, and knocked off my center. 2 weeks ago he tripped himself up in speaking about this and came clean to having a sexual encounter with a former stripper 2 weeks prior. I was angry, said we couldn't have a marriage with him seeing, talking, texting, giving money to her. He would not agree to no contact with her for 24 hours. Then he came to me and said he would stop all contact, and he would work on our marriage. He went on a trip to help our son move, (near this b!tch). He called me every night, he had assured me he would have no contact. He came home last night, I knew something was off, he admitted he took her to dinner 2 times. He says he did not have sex with her, but he spent time getting to know her better, he gave her money. He said he knows there is no future with her because she has every bad habit he dislikes, (she is 1/2 his age). He says he knows it won't work. I'm cut off at the knees in pain, trying to grasp at some hope, but there isn't any and I'm having a hard time dealing with the truth of all this. My last words to this SOB last night, I asked him to verify if I understand his position- it is this- He will continue to text, talk, and give this bimbo money, he cannot commit to making our marriage work. He says he loves me, will always care for me, financially. I said this wasn't enough, that if he is still in contact with other piece of sh!t, we have nothing to work on and that I would be seeking legal advice for a divorce. He spent the night in another bedroom, said nothing to me as he left this morning. He is expressing that he knows I don't deserve this and that he doesn't love nor like himself over this,his apologies seem very empty and useless to me right now.
I had let myself hope for so much when he agreed to no contact so now that I realize how things are I am hurting very badly. I keep asking mysel what should I do - Am I doing the right thing? I have seen a counselor twice but all the hope that I expressed makes it laughable right now. It hurts so bad.

BS-me(52) WS (53)
M 30 years
DD July 21, 2013
TT Until November 23, 2013
R - Work in Progress

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2013
New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I'm new too, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. The pain is incredible, I know. Take care of you.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I'm sorry you're going through this pain. Honestly, your WH is a fool if he believes that she reciprocates any of his feeling and attachment. He's an easy mark to her.

You drew your line in the sand, so follow through or else he will see that he can do what he wants, you'll fuss about it but let it go.

Your value is more than what he's giving you. He's basically making you beg him to stop seeing a prostitute.

Go see a lawyer, see a few. Go to the Healing Library and read BS FAQs #11. Start the 180. It will help you focus on YOU and start the healing process. Go to the Separation/Divorce forum further down on the main page and ask what you need to do to prepare for filing for D. They know what papers you should gather and what you can generally expect. Split your saving and checking in half...protect your money from your WH and his coin operated screw toy. Be sure to ask the lawyer about recovering the funds he's given to her.

Above all, take time for yourself. Know that this is messed up, no matter what mind games he might play.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11216 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
New Member
Member # 40242
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I am new to this as well, but just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this and that I sympathize with you as I am going through a similar circumstance. The hurt is immense.

Me-BS 35
Him WH -36
Married 9 years, together 17
D-Day 8/3/2013
children-3 year old, one due Nov

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 12th (Monday)


I am so sorry he has put you in this position. Please see this thread and get your own things in order:

The STD testing and lawyer visit needs to happen ASAP. It is important you know your legal options right now, in case there are deadlines or if it matters if he files first. And start doing the financials, you are entitled to that money he has wasted on infidelity. Even if you never actually start divorce proceedings, you need to know what your options are and what you are up against. Hopefully being married 30 years will work to your advantage legally.

I also advise seeing a CSAT or trauma specialist for yourself rather than a garden variety IC/MC. This is advanced messed up crap he has placed on you, and you need a pro to help. Don't waste any more effort on him or whether he will decide to do the right thing. Focus on yourself.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I So can relate to the OW 1/2 age pain. In my case she was younger than our daughter. That is rough to deal with.
Look at the articles in the healing library that is a great place to start.
Stay strong and put your boundaries in place.

BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I agree totally with Hathnofury. You can't do anything to snap him out of this but go forward with a separation and divorce. He is deep, deep, in the fog of an affair right now, even though I doubt the OW has any real feeling for him. He is just an easy mark for her.
He may come to his senses, but you have to take care of your self right now.
After 33 years of marriage, my husband began an affair with a woman 17 years younger. Lasted a long time, so I know what this feels like. We all know what kind of pain you are in and the doubts you are having.
But until he is out of that FOG there is nothing else you can do but appear strong and protect yourself.
Hugs and more hugs.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
New Member
Member # 40054
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thank you all for the sane words of advice, it is helping me stay focused on what the truth is here. I keep allowing myself to hope for a change, even though he is expressing no intention ending his relationship outside of our marriage. I have to continue to protect our finance which he is draining off to this bimbo at a devastating pace. I need to accept that all his actions say this marriage is over. I need to move on in as healthy a way is possible.

BS-me(52) WS (53)
M 30 years
DD July 21, 2013
TT Until November 23, 2013
R - Work in Progress

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2013
New Member
Member # 40054
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

It has been over a month since I last was on this thread and as I read it back I realize what a fool I've been. I've fallen for his lies about how he will break it off with his coin operated screw toy about 3 times since Aug 15. But in the end it all leads back to this last post. Yesterday he said he will continue to do what he wants - and there is nothing I can do to stop him. This is no different than a month ago. Only I've been through the wringer believing there was hope. He still has the gall to say he hasn't "decided" what to do -give up the crack whore stripper of 4 months to work on our 30 yr marriage or -give in to the fantasy of a life with this crack whore stripper. The way I see it he has decided because he talks to her every day and he sends her hundreds of dollars every 4-7 days. I'm not sitting by and taking this crap anymore, love doesn't mean being sh!t on like this.

BS-me(52) WS (53)
M 30 years
DD July 21, 2013
TT Until November 23, 2013
R - Work in Progress

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Go see your lawyer protect your assets.
Remember his cheating has nothing to do with you. Out him to your children and his family.
Eat well drink plenty of water and sleep.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Secrets Kept
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Have you set all his shit on the curb & changed your locks yet?

Is he so stupid not to realize his little stripper is only there for the $$$? And when she didn't give him sexual advances.....doesn't he realize its because she doesn't want to have sex with him....only get the$$? She will drop hiym in a heartbeat if the $ stops. Hello WS......its her job & way to support herself. And he is probably not the only sucker she is stringing along.

My heart breaks for you & I am so sorry. Please keep us posted. Everyone @ SI is here for you.

Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

So so terribly sorry for your devastation. Your husband sound like mine ( twins separated at birth). No just foolish men thinking a woman 1/2 their age are interested in them.

Stupid foolish men thinking with their penis. Willing to risk it all for a bimbo

For the decent men out there that rant isn't meant for you. There are some on this forum

BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

He still has the gall to say he hasn't "decided" what to do -give up the crack whore stripper of 4 months to work on our 30 yr marriage

Gently, yes he has decided. He has decided to be with her over his marriage.

By not instilling and committing himself to NC he has made his choice.

Time for you to take care of you. 180 and see an attorney. Get your duck's in a row.

If you continue to allow yourself to be treated as an option, he will continue to treat you as one.

I know this isn't easy but right now the only consequences to your husband's behavior is an upset (understatement, I know) wife.

He is doing what he wants, when he wants. He is cakewalking. Close your bakery.

Be strong. You deserve more. You matter.

Sending hugs and prayers.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

You can not R with a WH that refuses to give up his OW. That is impossible. You need to protect yourself and your assets now. See an attorney and get your ducks in a row. I am so sorry you are going through this, but at this point you have to start protecting yourself. If he comes around, then fine, maybe you can get to a point of R, but until he sees consequences, he will not stop. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

STunned Honey - He has lost his ever loving mind, and you need to protect yourself. If your H suddenly showed up at the house shooting up meth, and heroin what would you do? Protect yourself and your assets first. Deal with his crap secondarily. Same deal here.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go see an attorney, and file for D. It may not be what you want, but you have to protect you. Please don'tlet this idiot back into your bed. YUCK>

You need to go get STD tested right away as well, and then if you are emotionally struggling, it's understandable talk to your Dr about anti anxiety, and antidepressant meds.

(((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Well Stunned, there's no fool like an old fool, is there? Sigh.

I think you're being extremely strong and very, very smart to get to a lawyer to protect your assets.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 16