Things are good between us- the past few weeks especially have been great. WH is loving, remorseful, attentive, open, generally being fantastic. All his shit in the past of getting defensive when I mention the A or being self pitying is completely gone and has been for a while- he , "gets it". Now, no matter where or when I mention it, he holds me and says he is sorry.
My anger at the OW who was one of my best friends is still raging, but not as brightly.
I still think getting married was a mistake and think marriage is a pile of crap now- I'm not sure that feeling will ever leave me. Marriage just doesn't mean what it did to me, even though I do love my WH.
And so it's our 1st (yep, 1st) wedding anniversary in a fortnight and I'm dreading it. I want him to do something. I don't want him to do anything. If he doesn't acknowledge it, I'll be upset. If he does too much, I'll just feel, "Well, you broke your vows, it was a joke anyway". He has the week off work and the next week we're going to Paris for my birthday. Last year, on my birthday (which was also our honeymoon) we had the biggest fight of our entire relationship which got violent on both sides, so I have that ghost to contend with now (There are mitigating circumstances here which I won't go into- basically, my family ruined our wedding night and we left for honeymoon feeling very upset, depressed and stressed because of it).
I'm not sure how to deal with this, any of this. I have no wish to punish him or to bring things up to make him feel bad. I bring things up when I feel bad, but no longer have the need to, "remind" him of what he did and how it hurt me- he knows, he really does, and he feels it acutely.
Part of me thinks I just need to, as much as possible, be in the moment. Forget the past, for a while. Lay ghosts to rest, for the time being. I don't want to spend my anniversary in tears, but I know that might happen. I try not to let resentment about that floor me, and resentment that things are only so good now because my heart got broken in the process.
Any advice? How did you deal with this?BW: 28
1 month EA/PA (no sex) with our best friend 5 months after we got married. She sang at our wedding.
Status: trying R