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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I simply Cannot Fathom Betrayal
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Angry  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I cannot. Its not in my DNA, language, level of understanding, I CANNOT.

I have never hated anyone, but I do him. I have never treated anyone so coldly, but I can with him and not feel any sorta way about it. I cannot fathom how this dude married me and then complains I am not really what he wanted. So rather than showing me what he needed by BEING that himself, he went back to a chick that he obviously never left.

I CANNOT DO THIS. I CANNOT. The level of disdain was oozing out of my pours when I saw him. Its even easy for frown at him and has become automatic. He is going through some pretty hard times, and I could give two shits...when normally, Id be all hands on deck to try and help out.

I seriously wish I have never married him. I see no point in anybody going through this level of pain. NONE...DEATH is more concievable than BETRAYAL.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I feel you. Believe me.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I feel you OP. Every. Single. Word.

I was actually thinking about this yesterday after he picked up our children for an overnight visit. He makes me sick. Being within a certain distance of him feels awful. My ex is going through self-created hard times and normally I would want to do anything I could to make it easier on him no matter what the cause. But the cold-hearted, disrespectful and disgusting way he treated our family has changed all of that.

His feelings mattered more to me than anyone else on this Earth and now it's the exact opposite. I can't understand what kind of disgusting creature could do what he did and NOT feel remorse. OK..I do know. A narcissist POS! To me, that is the picture of evil.

To hurt people and destroy lives and keep going like they were justified to hurt them in that way? I don't get how anyone can think that way.


How can someone see someone break down repeatedly in front of them and see the pain and hard changes their children are going through as a result of their actions and act like the only pain that exists is their own?


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 12th (Monday)

@ Housefullof love

EVERYTHING you posted relates to me EVERYTHING!!! He keeps saying it takes two...yeah, you and her, I didnt make you choose that response to what you felt like you werent getting.

and when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he turns it back on how he is being affected....Well, yeah, you big dummy, you are the one that did all this.

I cannot....I just cannot....wrap my mind around this. I keep saying that I will let it go, but I simply cannot. I need to know why he did this to me. Not the details of the affair, but why he did that to ME? I have never hurt him, always had his back, and he turned his on me...I simply cant get my head around that....


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I keep saying that I will let it go, but I simply cannot. I need to know why he did this to me. Not the details of the affair, but why he did that to ME?
Nikki - challenge yourself here. I would contend that he didn't do it TO YOU, but FOR HIMSELF.

You were not part of his equation, no matter what he says. It's a brutal realization, but there is power and strength there. (((((hugs)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25744 | Registered: Aug 2011
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I would contend that he didn't do it TO YOU, but FOR HIMSELF.

^^^this^^^ I was in your shoes and felt the way you do simply trying to wrap my head around his actions. I will never understand such cold-hearted betrayal because I am not wired that way, but I have decided I cannot dwell in that. He will never be able to provide an acceptable answer so there is no point expending the energy looking for something that does not exist. My POS used to yell at me all the time that I wouldn't let things go...meaning I wouldn't willingly sweep everything under the rug and pretend it never happened. He does not 'get' why I need to understand. That searching will suck the life right out of you, and they are not worth that. I finally had to accept the above. It was not about me at all. It is all about his extreme selfishness - his sick willingness to put his personal sexual gratification before his family and everything he claimed he held dear. That is the way he is wired, and you can't understand crazy unless you are built the same way...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:49 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I feel the same way. I kept feeling this NEED, this drive to try and understand why he did what he did, and HOW he could do what he did, and what role I must have had in the blame. It was agony.

My IC gave me some great advice. She said: "You will never understand how he could do this, it will never EVER make sense to you. And honestly, you don't want to understand it... because the only kind of person this behavior makes sense to, is the kind of person who could DO IT to someone. That's the person HE is, its not the person YOU are. You are better than that."

Hearing that from her gave me a feeling of relief... I stopped trying to understand his actions and the motives behind them. Because the truth is that they had really nothing to do with me and our marriage. It was who he was long before I met him, and it's who he will still be till the day he dies.

It's like trying to understand what someone did wrong that made them a victim of a serial killer. They did nothing wrong... the killer was fucked up in the head long before they met their victim. That's an extreme example but you get the idea.

I still feel some anger towards my XWH... but mostly I feel disgust for him as a fellow human being. I feel pity for his children, worthless, USELESS, selfish "father" that he is to them... And I've decided that I hope he and OW stay together forever. Because she deserves whatever pain he might inflict on her, and because if he's with her, then he's not hurting anyone else like he did to me.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 915 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Dadtryingtocope
Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I cannot....I just cannot....wrap my mind around this. I keep saying that I will let it go, but I simply cannot. I need to know why he did this to me. Not the details of the affair, but why he did that to ME? I have never hurt him, always had his back, and he turned his on me...I simply cant get my head around that....

NikkiD - This was probably all of us. We never believed we were doing anything wrong and in truth we probably weren't. I am the same as you, I never hated anyone as much as I do my ex. What she did to me, our kids, our families is unacceptable, it's completely wrong, it is wrong on every level for us. Of course he turns it back to himself as a pity party. Blame shifting, pity parties, etc. all the norm for people in denial of what they did and how it affects others. Gypsybird has it right on - we will never understand the why. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your kids.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 12th (Monday)

If I was never in the equation, that would be GREAT!!!!! If I wasnt what he wanted, he shouldnt have married in the first place. He coulda just been single...why in the sam-hell did he bring me in that mess!!??? <<<<thats rhetorical..Im just super pissed today


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
kecampbe
New Member
Member # 40285
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 12th (Monday)

NikiD - your situation sounds extremely similar to mine although you seem to be a little farther down the path. I just moved out and my husband is NOW missing me and wondering how we got here. We got here because of his choices. I'm trying no contact but he is pulling out all the stops. Typically I'm there to pick up all the pieces and all I'm getting from him is a pity party on all the things he is missing now. Yeah buddy....you should have thought about that before having two (that i know of) affairs spanning over the last year and a half. How did you handle communication and pressure from him?? I haven't pulled the trigger on divorce. I'm taking it a day at a time and seeing where this change takes me. Thank you for your post. Glad to hear I'm not alone.


Me: 32
WH: 32
DD: 3
Married 5 years
D-Day 1: April 11, 2012 (1st OW) - never really ended
D-Day 2: Oct 2012, last straw was July 8, 2013 (2nd OW)
Status: Separated

Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I hear you! It seems you hit the nail on the head with your post for many of us. I stopped asking myself the "why's" because there will never ever be a reason that justifies his actions. Never. "Explanations don't help the pain." ~ Rick Warren

I also don't get how they think we can be "friends". Idiots. Hugs NikkiD! I completely understand what you are feeling.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I haven't experienced the death of a spouse, but I absolutely, 100% agree that death would have been far easier to cope with than THIS.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 12