I cannot stop thinking about how life was before my husband's A! Every memory (even the happy ones) make me sick to my stomach.
I sat next to my baby in her bath last night, and while she played happily with her toys, my life flashed before my eyes. When I first told my H (then my fiance) that I was pregnant - we were both scared but excited). Shopping for baby clothes. Late nights laying in bed talking and laughing. My angel being born. Lunches, dinners, trips to the mall. Everything feels like a lie now.
Just over a month ago, I knew my husband would never cheat on me. I didn't think. I didn't hope. I knew. It's amazing how one thing you didn't know can make everything else seem unreal. I have lost faith in everything that ever was, is, or will be. Is the Earth really round? Are you sure there are 26 letters in the alphabet? What if I wasn't born on December 12? I've been celebrating the wrong birthday all these years!
Every time I look at my husband now I think, I don't know this man at all. Everything I thought I knew about him isn't true. When I first found out about the A I was e-mailing a lot with a friend back home, and I told her, "I don't know what to do! I still love him!" She responded, "Maybe you love the idea of him. He's not who you thought he was."
Is that true? Am I in love with something that doesn't exist? You would think that would make it a whole lot easier to leave. Why, when I can't even believe what I see in the mirror, would I want to hold on to something that I know is false?
Anyway, sorry for the depressing post. I'm feeling particularly hopeless this morning.
Some days are better than others... today is not one of those days. me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."