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Just Found Out
User Topic: Who is just "done" now? I feel nothing.
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 12th (Monday)

I found out one week ago that my H of 13 years was having an affair for 1.5 years. He confessed, but it was out of no where and done in the worst possible way that was about him clearing his conscious and getting this burden off his chest. He said he loved me but her too and wanted to have both. I said get out. We were happy, despite usual busy life, young kids, etc, i thought we had a good marraige. I loved and trusted him completely and he was lying to me for 1.5 years. He brought this woman into my home, had her meet me, had her meet my kids. It is sick, sick, sick, sick. Somehow I am surving, holding it together for the kids. Getting therapy, trying to get support. I feel a range of emotions, but basically I just feel like it is over. I see him as a weak, pathetic person. I know it was not about what lacks in me, it was about what lacks in him. I do not love him. I could never forgive what he did to me and how he risked the great life we built together for someone else. I have read a lot of these posts and seems like people want to try to reconcile. I can't even understand that. If someone broke that trust and risked it all, how could you ever go back. Is it that I do not love this person or is it a stage people go through? Help, not sure what to do now.....


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Hello Sleepless,

I am sorry to hear your story. My WH and I were also married for 13 years and have 4 children. He also cheated on me in the worst way and I also am having a hard time believing I can love him the same again.

The trust is gone, the person who you thought was your best friend, is a liar and someone you frankly do not know so what you are feeling is normal. But, if it has only been a week, you can expect you may go back and forth many times. I have days that I hate him and can't imagine he could do this to me and the next day I almost "get" why he did what he did and try to have faith that we can survive.

It is VERY difficult and you are most likely still in shock so what you are feeling this week may not be what you're feeling in a month or 3 months.

My WH also thought he fell in love with this OW (who knew me and our family also). This hurts more than just a PA I think. I'm so sorry...PLEASE post your thoughts, it really helps. And reach out via PM if you need to.



Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, August 12th (Monday)

Sleepless.....one thing that is usually missing in many of these conversations is the STORY, the whole story about your journey.

Your journey is very different then mine in a few key points......your husband is not remorseful, he professes his love for the OW still, he has brought her into your families immediate world. If this was my situation I would have done EXACTLY what you did....got out!!! And I would have done it as fast as you did as well! I deal in realities, in truths. At least your husband is being truthful with you, even if it might not be the truth you want to hear. And you are being mature about the fact that your gut is telling you it is over and get out.

In my situation my hubby no longer wanted the A, the OW or anything to do with the A. He had come to his own realization how stupid and disgusting his behaviour was. He was ashamed at himself. He has been remorseful and hard working towards R. He does not want ANYTHING to do with the OW. I see this on a daily basis and honestly feel it in my gut.

What it sounds to me like you are doing is cutting your pain and losses short in a situation you know you don't want to have anything to do with. I applaud your courage and your actions. I am sorry you are going through this, I am sorry all of us are going through this.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:57 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 12th (Monday)

For some people infidelity is a deal breaker. The trust is gone, the love died a sudden death and there is no possibility of R. There is no shame in that.

If that is the case for you, I would communicate that very clearly and take the necessary steps to protect yourself legally.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 12th (Monday)

The statistics show that people do stay together after infidelity if both partners are willing to rebuild the marriage. It doesn't happen overnight.

I feel like you...my SAWH had an affair for 2.5 years. I suspected something but was gaslit every time I tried to bring it up. He's a good actor and protected his secret life. It must have been his #1 priority, because everything else in his life - family life, career, health - kind of deteriorated while he was with AP.

Here is some of the BEST advice I have gotten along the way since DD 5 months ago.

*When you don't know WHAT to do, don't DO anything.

*Take care of yourself/put yourself #1.

*Older women have said they wish they'd gotten divorced sooner (at 45 vs 55) - they hung on too long/did not get out faster.

* Your relationship can't start to heal until you know everything and the affair is OVER.Done. No contact.

* progress is slow...it did not happen overnight and it's going to take time to figure things out.

In my case the marriage was already in troubled waters and I was ready to make a change around the time I discovered the affair was in fact going on.



BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
jtom
Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 12th (Monday)

My EXWW LTA was a deal breaker for me also. Iam right there with you on this.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
ItsNotUitsMe
Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 12th (Monday)

My XWH left 30 minutes after confrontation on d-day. He knew it was a dealbreaker and it was over the minute I found out. There was no real discussion of what do we do now. D was a given. I loved him, but it went out the door with him.

Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 12th (Monday)

For some people infidelity is a deal breaker. The trust is gone, the love died a sudden death and there is no possibility of R. There is no shame in that.

If that is the case for you, I would communicate that very clearly and take the necessary steps to protect yourself legally.

I agree with this 1000%. If you know you're done, then move on.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5189 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Thank you. I do feel like it is a deal breaker. He is pressuring me to get back into the house. Wants to R, and I am like NO WAY. He is shocked I won't allow him back in the house to sleep in guest room and co-parents the kids. The sight of him makes me sick. I wish I didn't have to talk to him at all, but I do because of the kids. Is there a forum or website for people who do not want R?


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 12th (Monday)

You might be more comfortable in General or Divorce/Separation rather than JFO. Check it out.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5189 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I have similar feelings Sleepless34. My H was having an EA with an ex girlfriend. So yes I feel I am done less than a month after DDay. I can't handle his infidelity and I don't have the energy or will to fix what I didnt break. Dont get me wrong: before DDay I was completely in love with H and was happy and fulfilled- idiot. I didnt see any wayward behavior so it hit me out of the blue. You know what, I can not fix this situation and I can not fix me. A of any sort is a deal breaker. I told him before we got married. So I am done- I don't even want to try to R because on my heart he isn't the man I married.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
AStar
Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I have similar feelings Sleepless34. My H was having an EA with an ex girlfriend. So yes I feel I am done less than a month after DDay. I can't handle his infidelity and I don't have the energy or will to fix what I didnt break. Dont get me wrong: before DDay I was completely in love with H and was happy and fulfilled- idiot. I didnt see any wayward behavior so it hit me out of the blue. You know what, I can not fix this situation and I can not fix me. A of any sort is a deal breaker. I told him before we got married. So I am done- I don't even want to try to R because on my heart he isn't the man I married.


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Wow , so sorry to hear your story but you will be going in and out of love and hate (fine line) for me I still do and my ww has a full time boyfriend and we are in middle of a divorce ( nasty ) I also have two young children. You are right as far as infidelity being a deal breaker. In my opinion and situation there is no going back. How can you ever trust that person after such a betrayal? My stbxw denied the affair for a 1.5 years and made me believe I was nuts and jealous and controlling until I caught her in a hotel! Then all my suspicions were correct all the way down to since when and with who! She new me and she new she had to get caught because for me that was the deal breaker ! Stay strong and use the anger wisely. Protect yourself legally and kids. I know now a mans opinion is probably the last you want to hear but I do feel your pain and not all men are cheaters so good luck in your situation. Journal, read books ( not just friends by Shirley glass) exercise , take care of YOU now. Let him feel the pain and loss and maybe he will come around but do you really need or want him back after? No , but the power will feel awesome. Good luck and stay strong!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

He said he loved me but her too and wanted to have both.

Wow. Seriously. He said that out loud??? Did he really think that was some sort of option?

It is no wonder that you don't want to reconcile with this person. And honestly, it probably wouldn't work. Unless he can get his head straight there's really no point.

BOTH of you??? Sheesh.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
hill
Member
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

It was a dealbreaker for me. I hired an attorney within two days of D-Day.

One thing- YOU left the house?? If possible, HE needs to leave the house.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by hill at 9:50 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 3153 | Registered: Sep 2006
lostintally5581
Member
Member # 37908
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I am almost 8 months from DDAY. In the early weeks I couldn't look at my WH without thinking who is this man? today it is a bit easier. They all say to not make any life changing decisions so early on, which in my case I didn't. I still don't have everything I feel I need as far as pertaining to the A and I probably never will. All I know is that I for what ever reason still love this man with all my heart. It helps that he was super remorseful and willing to do anything and everything in the beginning that it has continued everyday since. I have seen a great change in the person he is. no I don't trust him at this point and he understands that. Is accountable with his whereabouts. It may be a dealbreaker for you but you have to give yourself some time to come to terms with the hurt you are experiencing. I still don't know if I want to be married to him in a year. but today when i woke up I did. Taking everything day to day in my case.


There better not be a "next time"

Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: a mere speck in a much bigger picture
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Lost....I love the message at the bottom of your post.....the one about there better not be a next time.....isn't it sad there had to be a first time?

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Dear sleepless34,

My Dday was 8 1/2 months ago. I found text messages he was sending the OW, confronted him that day. He didn't admit to the affair, but said he wanted a divorce and asked me to leave - and go to our 2nd home. I did. The thought of looking at him, disgusted me, knowing that he had lied and deceived me for nearly 5 months.

I was devastated. I loved this man with all my heart, expected to grow old with this man. He is actually the only man I have ever been in love with. I had no idea the affair was going on, was completely blindsided.

The pain, it was excruciating. But, I knew in my heart, that I could never trust him again. Never. He showed no remorse, accountability or compassion. I filed for divorce in January. Mediation is set for October.

I know in my heart and mind, this is the path for me. There is no reconciliation for me. Even if he knocked on the door and wanted to work on the marriage, I am too far down the road to take him back. I deserve better. I deserve an honest man, a man of integrity. A man who will commit to me, communicate with me, honor me and respect me. My husband is incapable of that.

I am so glad that you recognize that his affair is not a reflection of some lack in you. It is him. I read as much as I could on narcissism - to help me understand what had happened and to understand that his affair was about him, that I was not at fault.

There is a forum for BS going through divorce and separation. Please talk to an attorney, find out what your rights are. Line up support, post here often, feel free to PM me any time!!! WE are here for each other and we will come out the other side, stronger, better, more loving and more compassionate.

((hugs))
dawn58


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your responses. You don't know how much better it makes me feel. So many people dealing with this crap, kinda makes me sad for humanity though. Well, last night I was hitting rock bottom. While 2 days ago he was begging me for forgiveness and to go to counseling, last night he had the balls to say he wants to be with her in the future. Well surely I am done with this marraige, but it felt a little better at least thinking he didn't want it to be over. No, he is in love with her he says. He stopped being "in love" with me a long time ago because I didn't seem to "desire" him anymore. He says it is all him, nothing I did, blah blah blah. I deserve better blah blah blah. Isn't this just the same old story really? He met some Ho' in a chat room as a way to get some sex and then feel in love with that Ho' and now wants to be with her? Seriously that sounds messed up. I can't imagine these things work out because the affair is about someone making him feel better about himself, stroking his ego, having new sex. He will still be broken with or without her. I feel bad bad bad bad bad though anyway. I don't want him back, but I want him to want me back.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Jewlz
Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

One thing I can tell you is that the ho from the chat room does not "love" him! He does not love her either. He is just selfish and loves the way he feels.

Tell him this, send it in writing too because when his little fake fantasy is over, he will remember that you knew it before he did that they are both immature selfish idiots.

So sorry, you are so much BETTER than they are. Remember that and hang in there because he will wake up and realize what a jerk he's been and how stupid he is being.


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Jewlz......

Great post!!!!! I also feel A's are not at all about LOVE. They start as a sexual attraction......they only think they are in LOVE. Yeah, there is the off one that works after, but statistics show that the number of them is extremely low.

Puppy love was always hell wasn't it? You thought everything in the world was RIGHT. This was going to last forever. Maybe if some drug company can reproduce the chemical reactions that happen during an initial sexual attraction puppy love might last forever. A's can last a long time because of the absence of all those real world shit disturbing things that happen in a real marriage.

I too am very worried for society and humanity. It is sad to think of what all of this stupid behaviour is causing in the world....shattered lives, broken families, dysfunction everything!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Actually, I did send him that in writing. I said you felt bad about yourself and she made you feel better. You thought there was something missing with us, but that something missing was within you. Any woman that would be with a married man is someone who is desparate and cheap and pathetic, she accepted the worst parts of you. I said some choice things that I know hit hard. I told him what was going to happen next. He was going to realize how he lost everything and then resent her for it when the exciting affair becomes real life. I said when she has to deal with your lazy ass on the couch and your farting, she won't desire you so much anymore either. Then you are going to realize what you lost and it is going to feel really bad. But I will have moved on. Moved on to a better husband (with larger penis, had to say that just to be mean) who is a great guy and more sucessful and kinder, and a better Dad. and you, you will be eating take out fried chicken for Thanksgiving in some sad little apartment.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I said when she has to deal with your lazy ass on the couch and your farting, she won't desire you so much anymore either...But I will have moved on. Moved on to a better husband (with larger penis, had to say that just to be mean) who is a great guy and more sucessful and kinder, and a better Dad. and you, you will be eating take out fried chicken for Thanksgiving in some sad little apartment.
In the midst of your devastation you still have a great sense of humor.

My own heart is always aching when I read here on JFO, but this time I LOL!

sleepless, you take care of yourself. You're doing things right, and WH will be the bigger loser.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 23