SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: in R but the things he says....
melamber
Member
Member # 38591
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 12th (Monday)

makes me wonder if he gets it. Then i wonder if i'm over sensitive.
I cant fault how much his change since d-day to show his commitment to me and how sorry he is.
But 2 things he says now and then bugs me.
The 1st is he says his hurting has much as me. How he feels guilt and is ashamed by his actions. How he hates what his done.
The 2nd is when he says he knows and understands how im feeling because his ex cheated on him.
Both these makes me feel i want to explode at him. How dare he say that to me.
He should be feeling all them things but its nothing to what im feeling.
And to compare me to him when he was cheated on him makes me feel sick.
Makes me want to scream "then why would you do it to me".
And it is different because we are married with kids. Different because im hurting now.


D-DAY -22ND OCT 2012
MARRIED 9YRS
ME-31YRS
WH-33YRS
KIDS-THREE -8,5 AND 1
STATUS- ?

Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: uk
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I have moved from anger to sadness in this area. I have come to realize that my hubby was nearly as broken over this as I was but for very different reasons. I used to be angry at him for saying he had a hard time talking about things because they hurt him too much.

Now that I have come a long way out of my very deep, black ,nasty, horrible hole and have gotten a good grip on my depression and hurt I am able to see what he has been feeling all of this time. I understand his pain now and I feel it almost as deeply as my own. Was it easy to get to this point....HELL NO. Was it necessary, you bet it was.

A truly remorseful and shamed WS is in a whole world of their own hurt. To say which is greater is not the issue. It is obvious the BS pain and hurt is greater. But to deny the pain of the remorseful WS is a stumbling block that will probably derail the best R intentions.

For me, I knew I had finally started down the path of real R when I was able to look across the dinner table at my WS, hold out my hand, and say it was now time to start working on relieving his pain. The tears in his eyes said all I needed to hear.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
ifinallyfoundme
Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, August 12th (Monday)

A truly remorseful and shamed WS is in a whole world of their own hurt. To say which is greater is not the issue. It is obvious the BS pain and hurt is greater. But to deny the pain of the remorseful WS is a stumbling block that will probably derail the best R intentions.

For me, I knew I had finally started down the path of real R when I was able to look across the dinner table at my WS, hold out my hand, and say it was now time to start working on relieving his pain. The tears in his eyes said all I needed to hear.

I would also add getting past the need or feeling to inflict punishment!


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I think a remorseful WS does feel pain..shame..and all sorts of other emotions..none of which feel very good.

A WS has the luxury of knowing the whole story. They don't have to wonder what else there is to know..when the other shoe might drop..they don't have to deal with the pain of broken NC..they just *know*..and we don't..we wonder..worry..wait(for nothing..something??).

I don't discount the pain they feel..I have read many of the FWW's posts here..and it's clear they get it..and they have real pain over this.

But there is a difference.

I don't think you're being oversensitive. Next time he says that,ask him to describe how he believes you feel. Then tell him..and ask him to tell you exactly how he feels. Not to compare..but to understand and become more aware.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:29 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7257 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 12th (Monday)

For me, I knew I had finally started down the path of real R when I was able to look across the dinner table at my WS, hold out my hand, and say it was now time to start working on relieving his pain. The tears in his eyes said all I needed to hear.

TxsT, that is so awesome. I can only hope to be in that place someday.

melamber, you are oversensitive. But that's how you're supposed to be right now. Every little thing is going to get to you. Everything that doesn't sound right or look right, or feel right is going to bug the hell out of you. That's okay.

As far as how much your WS is hurting, right now this isn't about him. Although I'm sure it's true, he needs to realize that as the BS, your feelings, wants and needs come first. My H isn't there yet either, but I'm hoping he comes around.

As for comapring betrayals... if this really bothers you I would tell him so. Remind him it's different, and (again) how this isn't about him right now. Tell him you'd appreciate it if he didn't compare you and him. If nothing else, you can say that you're having a hard time sympathizing after what he did. You don't have to be nice, but if you're not honest it won't stop and your anger will prevent you from healing properly.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
ifinallyfoundme
Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 12th (Monday)

As for comapring betrayals... if this really bothers you I would tell him so. Remind him it's different, and (again) how this isn't about him right now. Tell him you'd appreciate it if he didn't compare you and him. If nothing else, you can say that you're having a hard time sympathizing after what he did. You don't have to be nice, but if you're not honest it won't stop and your anger will prevent you from healing properly.

It sounds as though H is going through withdrawals...expect him to say all sorts of crazy stuff. If he continues NC with AP things will get better.

How you do it angry, vengeful, mean spirited all day long will be a detriment to your recovery. Be firm, be clear, but move on. Be positive and work toward the goal you two have set forward.

Save the bitch boots for a spouse who breaks NC. Getting angry, acting crazy isn't a good look or feel for the BS as well.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Krazy.....I am glad you mentioned that she should speak up and tell her WS how she feels about his statements. That is such an important part of getting beyond this. I think it is true to say that in almost 100% of A's one of the leading issues, besides lack of intimacy, is really bad break downs in communication, proper communication. We all talk but is what we are saying getting through to the other person? Is what they are hearing what we intended to say?????? I know in my case our communication was the leading cause of my H's A. At first he thought it was the lack of sex but came to realize that it was his inability to express how the lack of sex was hurting him and this our marriage that really set the wheels in motion. Most LTA sufferers like me have not one clue the other spouse is in an A....that's cause the communication link between us is so skewed.

I now speak openly and from my gut. I don't care if my hubby likes it or not but I have learned to speak with kindness and non judging so that he listens and hears what I am trying to say. Let your hubby know how you feel when he talks like that. If you have to tell him the physical changes that go on in your body that you can't control right now. Tell him, if you could control them you wouldn't need AD meds and MC. Once he gets that you aren't attacking him but what it is he is saying I think he will put a bit more effort to express himself in more appropriate ways.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 12th (Monday)

he says his hurting has much as me. How he feels guilt and is ashamed by his actions. How he hates what his done.

I am really struggling to be able to listen to my WH without totally breaking down. I have not yet reached a point where I can listen well. I do have some compassion, but a lot of anger and jealousy there too.

But to deny the pain of the remorseful WS is a stumbling block that will probably derail the best R intentions.

I agree, and will work on that. And tell him I will work on that!

ask him to describe how he believes you feel. Then tell him..and ask him to tell you exactly how he feels. Not to compare..but to understand and become more aware.

Great advice. We learned this at Retrouvaille, but haven't been doing a good job at communicating lately. (If we had this communication thing down pat, we probably wouldn't be here in the first place, perhaps?) ugh.

you can say that you're having a hard time sympathizing after what he did. You don't have to be nice, but if you're not honest it won't stop and your anger will prevent you from healing properly
.

And more good advice - thank you!

It sounds as though H is going through withdrawals...expect him to say all sorts of crazy stuff. If he continues NC with AP things will get better.

If A ended while he was still in the emotional high of it, it seems like the withdrawal is harder and takes longer IMHO. I just want to know HOW LONG until his head is completely out of his derriere????

Be firm, be clear, but move on. Be positive and work toward the goal you two have set forward. Save the bitch boots for a spouse who breaks NC.

Again, good advice I will heed.

Thanks to all of you. This thread was super helpful to me. Melamber, hang in there! I totally get it. I really truly get it.... Best to you!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 3:25 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 649 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Just to be clear, it''s important to realize that an A is not the result of any failing in the M but very much a symptom of a WS'' brokenness. I am a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of person and my fWH had every opportunity to share with me intimately and in complete safety, throughout our 12 years together, but he chose not to. I shared everything with my fWH, he shared the bare minimum. He chose not to share with me because he''d chosen not to trust anyone beyond a certain point, a long time ago, long before he met me. It''s another symptom of his brokenness.

No M is perfect, but do not let anyone tell you that lack of communication in your M was the reason for your WS'' A, or anything you did or didn''t do.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Just to be clear, it''s important to realize that an A is not the result of any failing in the M but very much a symptom of a WS'' brokenness. I am a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of person and my fWH had every opportunity to share with me intimately and in complete safety, throughout our 12 years together, but he chose not to. I shared everything with my fWH, he shared the bare minimum. He chose not to share with me because he''d chosen not to trust anyone beyond a certain point, a long time ago, long before he met me. It''s another symptom of his brokenness.

No M is perfect, but do not let anyone tell you that lack of communication in your M was the reason for your WS'' A, or anything you did or didn''t do.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Both these makes me feel i want to explode at him. How dare he say that to me.

And to compare me to him when he was cheated on him makes me feel sick.
Makes me want to scream "then why would you do it to me".

I would say go ahead and ask him these questions. He needs to put aside his hurting and step up to help you.

Is he in IC? That is the place for him to work through his guilt and shame and self-hatred. It's likely the roots of those things were there inside him before the A, and he should figure out why (prime suspect = FOO).

I hope you can tell him to discuss his hurt over his ex's A with his therapist, not you. He does need to answer the question of how he could put aside his first-hand knowledge of being a BS, and have an affair himself.

If your H really understood how you are feeling, he would not ask for your sympathy or compare to him being a BS. To me, a good way for my fWH to show that he is trying to understand how I feel is anticipating possible triggers and addressing them. And asking me how things he said during the A made me feel and then listening to my answer. Or letting me vent without getting defensive, and asking me if I have any questions or anything I want to get off my chest about the A.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:23 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 12th (Monday)

The 1st is he says his hurting has much as me. How he feels guilt and is ashamed by his actions. How he hates what his done.
The 2nd is when he says he knows and understands how im feeling because his ex cheated on him.

I agree with TxsT that who is experiencing the greater hurt isn't really the issue. But it wouldn't surprise me if what he says is true. I'm 6 months out and am starting to believe that my wife's pain has exceeded mine. Because her pain is borne out of shame and regret, and that's the toughest kind to bear in my opinion. But what difference does it ultimately make? The two of you have to find a way to heal together.

As for the 2nd...

Makes me want to scream "then why would you do it to me".

Exactly, I'm with you on this one. Saying things like that doesn't help a bit.

Sorry melamber, but am glad to hear that he's showing his commitment to you post d-day.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1351 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 12