User Topic: How do you tell WS things aren't working?
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 12th (Monday)

How do I tell my WH that I can not get over his EA. How do I tell him that I am not happy? How can I tell him that I can not process his betrayal?
He has killed part of me. Part of me has died. The future that I saw for us is gone and even if it existed I don't want it.
I am doing the 180 and my WH thinks I am over the A. Everything is normal because I don't talk about it or nag him.
I want out and I don't know how to tell this man I feel nothing for him any longer. The love I had for him is dead.

Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I wish I knew, it's not as easy as you think it would be is it?

I hear you on this one.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

Posts: 5450 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Your pain is so fresh? How long was the affair. Is he open, are they still seeing each other. Do u have any local support?

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 12th (Monday)

There were so many times WH would sadly shake his head at me and say "this just isn't going to work is it?"

I used to yell "Not if you don't want it to!"

I'm all set for the day I decide - I'm just going to shake my head and say "this just isn't going to work anymore". That'll be it. Because by then whatever hasn't been said won't need to be said.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, August 12th (Monday)

If your H is unremorseful, or if you're really done, continue the 180, file, and D. If that's where you want to go, why do you need to communicate with him?

My guess, however, is that you want to R and that your H is at least partially on board. If that's so, the 180 is not for you.

The 180 is for a BS who wants R but whose WS doesn't do the necessary work.

If you both are willing to work for R, communication is essential, and it's absolutely crucial that you let your H know how you feel. If you don't, how will he know what help you need.

If your H says he wants to R, communicating what you feel and want is exactly what you need to do. It puts him on the spot to show whether or not he's really willing to do the work. It also puts you on the same spot.

But don't tell him things aren't working. Instead, think about what you want, and tell him that. Lay out your requirements for R and see if he steps up.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Your dday is so recent. It is suggested that you not make major life decisions for at least 6 months because you are in shock. Your mind and spirit need time to come back in balance. You might find, after a time, that you do love him and want to R. Or you might find you don't love him and want to D. Or that you do love him but don't want to be with him anymore. In any case you might want to wait until the emotional crisis is a little less fresh before deciding. you could always ask for an in house separation, or a real sep. You could try MC. You could tell him he needs to work his ass off to help you heal because you are leaning toward D. He might surprise you or he might not. This is just my opinion but it would suck to pull the trigger on D only to find out you wish you hadn't, kwim?

Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6139 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

My fWH thinks everything is ok and that I am trying to R. I can't handle that he was unfaithful emotionally. I can't handle his infidelity in his previous relationships. To me, his EA is a sign of things to come in future. I know he so desperately is trying to do everything right, but I don't care. I am so hurt, I can't see past what he has done. I can not handle infidelity. My Dad had a LTA and I promised myself I would never put up with any betrayal. I just can't deal with a man who previously was unfaithful, swears he has changed and goes and sends personal emails to an ex girlfriend. (Slut of note who revels in wrecking marriages .) How could he bring THAT thing into our lives. I can't deal with it and I can't get over it. I am trying- I want my marriage but not if I can't trust my husband.

Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'm not the majority here, I know its recent but maybe you just know you can't. I'm sure having a father in lta has made you even more sensitive to infidelity, but some bs are just done. I
hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Who's to say you can't change your mind later if you do file.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5143 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Definitely agree with Ostrich 80, if you know you know, from what i've gathered in the US you can cancel a divorce.

In terms of answering the question there is no easy way. In my personal situation there is no freaking way I would do it at home. Maybe I would do it at a park, semi- public (bring your own car). Some might think MC is the best way. I wouldn't agree as I've heard of instances where they have tried to convince the spouse otherwise. But some say that's the best way.

This is just brain-storming, I haven't told my WH any of those things. If your WH has no clue I may personally ease into it over a few days by saying this such as "i'm feeling worse about our relationship... etc".

Hopefully someone from seperation/ divorce can pop over and give some real-life experience haha.

Personally I recommend doing some safe-guards before telling him, attained by visiting a lawyer

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

OK, so you say you want the marriage. But you also say you don't love him and you want out. Those are pretty conflicting statements.

What I would do is take care of myself. Some people do this according to the 180 - but I actually think the 180 puts too much focus on how you interact with the spouse. I'd just back off, try to clear your mind. Find something - yoga, meditation, a vacation, IC or all of the above - that takes your mind off the M, the 180, everything. Even IC doesn't have to be dedicated to the A, per se. You need space, quiet. In my opinion, that's the only way to sort through all the noise in your head.

You may always feel conflicted about your decision to stay or go - most big decisions have some remnant "what if?" - but you need to feel less conflicted than you do now.

Of course, you can stop the D or change your mind. What I mostly worry about with folks who rush into S or D (those who are conflicted) is that it doesn't make the conflicted feelings go away. It can make them worse.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to get at - but I was really heading towards D after D-Day 2, but I didn't want to jerk the process around, especially for my kids. I didn't want those conflicted feelings to permeate deeply our first steps in the direction of D. "D and you can change your mind later" was not really a desirable option for me.

Good luck.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Just tell him "this is working for me".

File for divorce. I wish I had, because it's more difficult to get one now that time has passed.

If marriage is right for you, you can get remarried.

My perspective, 3 years out...


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

AStar, I read that you're in tremendous pain. I also read that you're blocking your own recovery. That's OK for a while, but I'm hoping you're ready to move on to healing yourself.

You can most definitely deal with infidelity - you're doing so right now. I get that you don't like the way you're dealing with it, but you can change that.

One way to get unstuck is to get help from someone. It sounds like your H won't or can't do it. How about IC or a pastor or a close friend?

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 12